FicWad

Its been two weeks since the night Gerard and I went to the cemetery, and I haven't seen him since. I was hoping that night would have brought us closer together, but it seemed to have done the opposite. I'm more distant from him than ever before. I was hurt knowing he was ignoring and avoiding me. I don't know what I could have done or said to make him never want to see me again, and not knowing why just made it hurt even more. I felt lost. I wanted to talk to the guys about how I felt, but me and Gerard agreed not to tell them about what had happened that night, so I bottled my emotions and kept my mouth shut.
"Hey, are you okay?" Mikeys words brought me back to reality. Everyone else was busy so we decided to have our own little lunch date.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" I continued to poke at my lomein with my fork. I didn't really have much of an appetite.
"well, you've barely said anything since we've gotten here, and all you keep doing is playing with your food." Mikey gave me a concerned look and forked a piece of his chicken and broccoli into his mouth. His concern touched me.
"I don't know, I just don't feel that hungry." I went back to playing with the noodles.
Mikey pushed his glasses up his nose. "Okay, and what's the reason your so quiet?" I didn't like all of these questions.
"I'm just tired." I lied. well, I didn't lie, I was tired, but I just mainly wasn't in a talking mood. So short answers were all Mikey was going to get. It seemed like he was about to drop everything and quit the questions because he was silent for a moment, and I felt relieved. But of course, he continued.
"I know your lying Denille. You haven't been yourself for the past couple of weeks, I can tell when something is wrong. And something is definitely wrong. The guys have noticed and are concerned too. You know you can talk to me about anything right?" He said softly and placed his hand on my arm. This almost brought tears to my eyes. I considered Mikey as my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love the other guys like brothers, but I felt the closest to Mikey. I mean, shit, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have all of these incredible friends. I owe my new found happiness to him. So, I decided to confide in him.
I sighed and put down my fork. I looked him in the eyes a moment and gave him a soft smile. "Mikey, you are my best friend, of course I know I can tell you anything, I trust you with my life." I paused, he looked at me intently.
"So then tell me what's wrong." He urged me to continue. He placed his hand on my forearm again and waited or my response. I shut my eyes and sighed. I wanted to-no, I NEEDED to tell him at least part of what was bothering me. It was only fair.
"When I was fourteen my parents died in a car accident. Its still very hard for me to accept, so I get into a funk every now and then. I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner. I just wasn't ready to talk about it." I looked down at my plate and swallowed back my tears. Mikey just stared at me with wide eyes. He was starting to make me uncomfortable. "Mikey, are you alright?"
"Oh shit, I'm so sorry." He said while shaking his head, I can tell that that was the last thing he expected me to say because he looked nervous and unsure of how to react to the words. I really threw him a curve ball on that one. I gave him another smile to ease him.
"Its okay, don't be sorry. I should have told you a while ago. I feel better now that its off my chest." It was true, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad Mikey knew.
"So, if you don't mind me asking, who do you live with?" Mikey looked confused, he was trying to put all of the pieces together.
"I live alone in the apartment. I used to live with my aunt, she was my only relative, but we didn't get a long so I moved here when I turned eighteen to be closer to my parents. They are buried in the same cemetery as your grandma. That's why I didn't invite you guys over to hang out, I wasn't ready for you guys to know yet." I was trying to make him understand.
"Wow, I had no idea. Well, your always welcome to stay with any of us, you better know that by now." He said that like he was talking to a child. I nodded my head at him. "Of course I do."
He looked uncomfortable again. "Are you going to tell everyone else?"
I thought about the question a little before answering. If it felt this good to tell Mikey, then why the hell shouldn't I tell the guys? It would be amazing to have the reassurance of them knowing my past, and it would be nice to know I don't have to keep it a secret anymore.
"Yeah, I think I am, I feel ready to tell them." My answer seemed to please him. He smiled a big smile at me and it made me giggle.
"Good, I'm glad your going to talk about it. We love you Denille, we consider you as a sister and will protect you and care for you as one. If something is ever bothering you, don't be afraid to tell any of us, were always here for you, especially me." Mikey looked me directly in the eyes with a serious look on his face, which is how I know he meant what he was saying because Mikey very rarely has a serious face on. His words made me cry. No one has ever said that to me before. he made me feel like I had a family and that I was loved, feelings I haven't felt in years. I got up from the table and went over and hugged him as tight as I could.
"Thank you." I whispered into his shoulder. He didn't say anymore, he just hugged me back and squeezed me tight. After our little moment I took my seat back at the table and wiped my stray tears. People were starting to look at us funny. I looked over at him and saw him smirking. "What's so funny?" I asked with a sniffle.
"Nothing, its just that, for a moment I honestly thought you were upset because of Gerard again." My head shot up to look at him. "Again?" I tried to play dumb.
"Yeah well, you always complain about how you think he hates you, and he has been pretty distant lately. So I just assumed." I took the opportunity to see what Mikey thought about his brothers behavior.
"What's going on with him?" I asked curiously. Mikeys face dropped with disappointment.
"I'm not sure. You know, we used to be so close but ever since grandma died, he barely tells me anything anymore. And too be honest, when you came around he became even more distant. I wish he would just talk to me about it." Mikey frowned and looked at his half eaten meal.
My heart went out to Him. I felt sorry for Mikey, he felt like he was losing his brother. Him of all people didn't deserve that. "I'm sure he will be okay." I tried to comfort him but I was fucking terrible at making people feel better. I was also concerned about Gerard. If Mikey was worried about him, then something must be wrong. I decided I needed to talk to Gerard the next chance I get and figure out what is going on. Not just for me, but for Mikey.
We finished our lunches and headed back to the Way Household to wait for the rest of the guys. Mikey convinced me to tell them about my parents tonight. I felt like a nervous wreck. Not only because I was going to talk to the guys about this part of my life that I have been hiding, but because Mikey had mentioned that they were going to practice tonight, which meant Gerard will be here. I don't know if he knows I will be there as well, and I certainly don't know how he will react. Fuck, I don't even know how I will react.
By the time 6:30 rolled around all the boys had arrived, all but one.
"Does anyone know where Gerard is?" Bob called out from inside of the fridge, he grabbed a twelve pack of beer. Everyone exchanged glances and shook their heads. "So, no one has heard from him all day"? Bob seemed more angry than worried.
"Ill go call him." Ray stood up and fished for his cell phone out of his pocket, then proceeded outside. While Ray was outside calling Gerard, Mikey spoke up.
"Guys, I know we need to practice tonight and everything, but Denille has something important she needs to talk about with us." Mikey said while fussing with his bass. I gave him my best 'What the fuck?' face and he just looked at me with his best 'Don't worry, you've got this' face.
"Are you pregnant?" Frank came over and plopped his little self in my lap. Me and frank were both the same height, we stood at a whopping 5". I wrapped my arm around his body to secure him as I rolled my eyes at his question.
"No Frank, I am not pregnant." he looked at me and his eyes lit up. I knew exactly what he was thinking. It was so easy to read that little shitheads mind. "Oh I know, your-" "I have not fallen madly in love with you nor do I want us to sneak off and run away to Mexico, Frank." He put on his pouty face and crossed him arms. Ray suddenly walked in looked pissed the fuck off.
"Gerard's not coming." He ground out while running had hand through his big curly hair and paced the room.
"What the fuck, why not?!" Bob yelled now even more angry than before.
"I don't fucking know, he wouldn't give me a reason, he just kept fucking saying he couldn't make it. I just got so pissed off I hung up on him. I'm so sick of this shit. The fucker wasn't even sorry about not coming." Ray stormed over to his guitar, I've never seen him so pissed off before. I looked over at Mikey, he had a worried expression on his face. My heart began to race, was he not coming because I was here?
"I'm not going to let him be the fucking reason we don't become successful, we need to do something about him." Bob chimed in again. That was the last straw for Mikey. He wasn't going to let his friends talk about his brother that way.
"Guys come on, he will come around. We cant do this without Gerard, we need him. He loves to sing and he is fucking passionate about the band. He's just, he's just going through some shit right now. Things will get better." Mikey got quiet and looked at his shoes. I felt bad for him. Gerard's actions were affecting his friends and his family and I wasn't going to sit here and watch it happen anymore. I needed to talk to Gerard ASAP because things needed to change. But in the meantime, I needed to change the subject and I needed to do it fast before someone in here looses their shit. Ray opened his mouth to yell something back at Mikey but I interrupted him.
"Hey guys..." they all averted their eyes onto me, Even frank who was still in my lap. I looked at Mikey. "This might not be the best time, but I really need to talk to you guys about something." Mikey realized what I was doing and smiled at me with relief. I smiled back when I saw him mouth 'Thank you' at me. Just as I expected, the guys forgot all about Gerard and gathered around me to listen to what I had to say, thank God. I braced myself and then opened up and told them everything and anything I could think of about my past. I told them about my parents, my horrible aunt, Denise and my money situation, I even brought up my thoughts about suicide, something I didn't tell Gerard about that night I was with him. When I was finished the four boys did nothing but comfort me with hugs, kisses and their words of understanding. I have never felt more safe and accepted in my life. These guys are my family and would do anything for me, and for that I was eternally grateful.
"I fucking love you guys, I really do." I muffled into what I think was Mikeys chest as all four of them embraced me into a suffocating group hug.
"We fucking love you more!" Frank cried out loud.
"Can we drink some beer now please?" I pried myself from them, I loved the guys and their hugs but a girl needs to breathe.
"Amen to that." Ray said while grabbing beers and handing one to everyone. "All of this touchy feely stuff has made me thirsty." Mikey raised his beer above his head to make a toast.
"To Sarah and Shane, thank you for bringing this wonderful friend into our lives." Mikey turned to look at me. For the first time since their death I didn't get emotional when I heard their names, I felt grateful.
"TO SARAH AND SHANE." the boys cried in unison while raising their beer bottles. We then proceeded to chug our drinks.
The night proceeded as it normally did. With alcohol and music. Although the boys were disappointed with Gerard for not coming, they were still coming up with some killer tunes. These boys are going to hit it big, I just know it.
I decided to head home a little earlier than usual. Today was a little overwhelming and I felt tired, so at around 11:30 I left for the bus since everyone else was too drunk to drive. On the way there, I decided to make a quick stop to see my parents and tell them about my day and how I was finally able to talk about them and feel okay about it. I got off the bus and began walking, it was only a few blocks away and the night was beautiful. summer was coming to an end so the air was a little crisper and the sky was clear so the stars were shining bright. It was a perfect night. When I got to the cemetery I snuck my way in as I always do and took my usual path to them. I sat down in my spot and told them all about the events that took place today. It was the first time I did so without crying and it felt so good.
When I was finished talking to them, I got up and brushed the leaves off of my jeans and decided it was time to head home. Except when I went to leave, I felt a strange feeling run through me, something I couldn't describe. It was as if something was telling me I wasn't finished here yet and not to leave the cemetery. I decided to follow my gut instinct and take a little walk around to ease my mind. As I walked up the path, I saw an empty vodka bottle.
"Fucking people." I muttered angrily to myself. I was disgusted that people could just leave garbage on peoples gravesites. Like seriously, how fucking disrespectful! I picked up the empty bottle and threw it in the nearest trash can I could find, it must have been just opened tonight, because it still smelled strongly of alcohol. Smelling the booze reminded me of the night I got wasted and Gerard brought me here. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Elena. Of Course! I should visit her while I'm here. I'm sure Mikey would appreciate it if I brought her some flowers. I picked the remaining flowers left of the season, then made my way up the path, trying to remember where Gerard led me that night. Things started to look familiar, so I kept walking in the same direction and eventually spotted the mausoleum. I smiled proudly to myself knowing that I remembered where it was. I took a step closer to the grave and as I did so I heard a noise, it sounded like footsteps. I froze and dropped the flowers out of fear. I looked around with wide eyes to see if I could find what was causing the ruckus. I saw what looked like a shadow walking around the small building.
"Fuck." I whispered to myself. I freaked and jumped behind the nearest bushes to avoid getting noticed. I peeped my head out just enough to see who or what was roaming around, hoping it wasn't the cops. They were always looking for trespassers here late at night. The person stumbled out, and they looked like...well, they looked quite drunk. But when I saw the face of who it was my breath caught.
"Gerard?" I stood up from the bushes completely shocked. He swayed his whole body towards me to get a look at who I was.
"Wha- what are you doing here?" He was so drunk he could barely get the words out. I crept from the bushes and made my way over to him. Well, now I know where that empty bottle of vodka came from because he smelled just like it.
"I can ask you the same thing." I felt the anger building inside me. "So, this is what you were doing all night? You ditched and disappointed your friends to get fucking wasted?" I raised my voice a little. I was disgusted by him. He didn't answer me because he was too focused on keeping upright and not falling down. "Gerard! are you listening to me!?" I took a few steps closer to get his attention. He looked at me, but now he was angry.
"That's none of your fucking business!" He swayed and yelled almost at the top of his lungs. "None of your fucking-" I raced over and clamped my hand to his mouth to shut him up.
"Shut the fuck up you idiot, before someone hears us and calls the cops!" I whispered to him roughly. The last thing I needed was to get caught in the cemetery with a drunk Gerard. he stumbled again and lost his balance this time. He fell to the ground with a hard thud. "Shit Gerard! Are you alright?" He laughed a little and then mumbled something I couldn't understand. I knelt beside him and placed his head in my lap. He closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath. "Gerard?" I needed him to look at me. He opened his eyes and attempted to look into mine, but he was having a hard time focusing his vision. I looked at him and all my anger faded away. I've never seen him look this bad before. His skin was pale and he was sweating, his eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a sweaty, greasy mess. I wiped away a few strands of hair that were hanging in his eyes. He was finally able to focus, and he looked into my eyes. The redness of his eyelids made his look greener than usual. It looked like he had been crying. But I then saw something in his eyes that I was all to familiar with, something that scared me. It was pain. Pain, sorrow, despair. My heart broke seeing him like this. He then opened his mouth to speak.
"I don't want to anymore. I want it to stop. Please make it stop." His eyes never left mine as he pleaded with me. His arm wobbled up and his fingers found and started playing with a few strands of my hair that were hanging over my shoulders. I knew what the words meant and they terrified me. He wanted his life to end. He couldn't take it anymore. Suddenly everything made sense. He wasn't acting like a piece of shit on purpose, he was depressed and this was his way of coping with it. I thought about the times I wanted to end my life, I understood how he was feeling and knew how hard it is. I placed my hand on his cheek and stroked his soft, pale skin with my thumb.
"Its going to be okay Gerard, I'm here now." I so desperately wanted to help him, to protect him. He didn't say anything, he just closed his eyes and nestled his head in my lap. I needed to get him out of here, some place safe. I thought about driving him back home in his car, but then I figured I would just bring him to my apartment since it was closer. I considered calling Mikey, but I didn't want to worry him and I was nervous about how everyone would react to Gerard being this drunk and skipping practice. Right now I just needed to focus on getting Gerard home safe. I lifted his head off of my lap and gently placed it on the ground. I needed to get him standing up. "Come on Gee, I need you to stand, I'm going to bring you home." I said softly while attempting to lift him off the ground. He seemed to comprehend what I was doing because he slowly stood up while I helped him to gain his composure. I wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I wrapped mine around his waist. I then tried to stumble Gerard back to his car. It took longer than expected because I had to take a few rest stops along the way, but we finally made it to the parking lot. Gerard's car was the only one there. I practically had to drag him to the passenger side. I opened the door and shoved him into the seat the best I could and buckled him up. He kept mumbling words but I couldn't make out what he was saying. "Don't worry Gee, everything is okay, I'm going to help you." I reassured him again, he mumbled something else I couldn't understand so I just ignored him and shut the door. My arms were shaking from holding his weight. I got into the drivers side and reached over into Gerard's pocket to fish out his keys. His head was hanging low and his shoulders were slumped. He looked terrible and that made me worry even more. I put the keys into the ignition and started the car, I then made my way back to my apartment. When we got there, I pulled up in front of the building and parked the car. I sat there for a minute so I could prepare myself to carry Gerard again. Normally I just take the stairs since I'm only on the third floor, but I think the elevator was going to be put to good use tonight. I got out of the car and rushed around to the passenger side. Gerard was still slumped in his seat. "Come on Gee, were here." I coaxed him in the most soothing voice I could speak in. I shook his body lightly to wake him up a bit, but he didn't budge. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him out. I wrapped his arm around me again and I dragged him to my building. I sure as fuck was getting a workout tonight, his weight was now starting to make my legs buckle. I sent god a silent prayer of thanks when arrived to the elevator because I didn't think we were going to make it for a second. I pressed the buttons and waited. The doors shut and while the elevator brought us up the floors I held him tightly in my arms. I know what he was feeling and my heart ached for him, nobody should have to go through this kind of pain. I heard the bell ring and the door opened up to my floor. I brought a stumbling, half passed out Gerard to my door and unlocked it. I used my remaining energy and strength to bring him to my bed. I would let him sleep in my bed and I would take the couch tonight. I sat him on the edge on the bed and unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off his shoulders. I then went to my dresser and found a pair of franks pajama pants, he lent them to me to sleep in during a sleepover one night and I just never gave them back. I walked back over to Gerard and unbuttoned his black jeans and slipped them off of him one leg at a time. He started to mumble something again so I looked up at him. He had a slight smirk on his face. "Sorry Gerard, not tonight." I said as I slipped on the pajamas. The little shit probably thought he was about to get the blowjob of a lifetime. I pulled the elastic band of the pants up to his waist and pulled the covers back. I layed Gerard in my bed and put the blankets over him. His eyes were closed and his breathing was starting to return to normal. I turned the lamp off and went to the kitchen. I was still contemplating calling Mikey to tell him about what had happened. I looked at the clock, it read 12:47AM. I decided not to tell him, it was late and I wanted talk to Gerard first when he becomes conscious again. I then went into the medicine cabinet and took two pain relievers out and got a glass of water. I went back into my room and found Gerard sleeping peacefully on his side. I placed the pills and water on the nightstand and turned to walk away but something stopped me. I turned back around and took a moment to study the drunk, sleeping Gerard. Even when he looked this rough, the boy was still so fucking beautiful. I sighed to myself and walked out of the room to the couch. I layed down to try to get some sleep, but there was so much running through my mind sleep was impossible at the moment. I thought about what would have happened if I didn't find Gerard tonight. Would he have attempted suicide? Were those his intentions tonight? The thoughts made me feel sick to my stomach, so I shook them from my brain. I decided to make a silent vow to myself to keep Gerard safe and help him through this. Although I was still weak and working on bettering myself, I was going to protect Gerard. It didn't matter what I had to fucking do, he was going to be okay.