FicWad

It was cute- or considered cute- when a feline would place it’s soft furry paws on its owners lips and eye lids while the owner slept; it was not cute- not even considered cute- when your feline was a grown man who just happened to be an evolved form of a cat. “Dave! Dave! Psst, Dave! Hey Dave!”

Dave woke up, but instead of seeing the top of his military gray alcove, he saw Cat, he was hovering above Dave’s face, Cat’s face darkened in the shadow thrown by the dim lights. He glared up at the feline man before tossing over to his side, making Cat jump down to the ground. “Bugger off.” Dave’s chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to make Cat disappear.

“But Dave, this is really important!” said Cat.

Without turning over, Dave sneered. “Did you discover your reflection? And have just forgotten you did that last smegging week?” he hissed. “I don’t care if you find yourself hot.”

Cat poked Dave in the back. “Well, I am hot but no!” said Cat. The black with it’s stars seemed endless and listening with it’s own quiet. “This is Rimmer!”

“Rimmer is asleep like I would love to be again!” hissed Dave turning over to face Cat. There was a little, persistent ache in his right shoulder. “Rimmer is in his bunk, sleeping!” Cat took his arm and pulled him out of his bunk. Dave landed with a hard thud, was Cat space-fried stupid? Dave would need some superior fucking psychiatric drugs. “Great, now you woke up Rimmer! I won’t hear the last of this for months!”

Cat made him look at Rimmer’s bunk. It was neatly made and looked like he had not been there for some time. “I was trying to tell you this discovery had to do with Rimmer!” said Cat. “He’s elsewhere on here, with a woman.”

Dave looked up at Cat. “A woman?”

Cat laughed. “Yeah, that uptight smeghead and a woman!”

While that was surprising, what was more surprising was the fact another person was on the ship. “Is she a hologram?”

An amused grin twisted Cat’s mouth. “No, but she doesn’t seem too friendly, she won’t talk to Rimmer,” said Cat. “But she’s great at staring contests. She doesn’t blink!”

“Is she frozen?” asked Dave. He did not wait for Cat to answer and he left the room in search of Rimmer and the freeze chambers, his eyes blazing in excitement. “If I were a freeze chamber, where would I be?”

Dave took a right when Cat coughed. “Wrong way.” He followed the man cat to a new part of Red Dwarf he had never been to before and this was not a big ship by anyone’s standards. A heavy looking door stood open and Cat and Dave stepped through the door and into the room like hallway. Lined on either side of them were chambers where one could freeze another being.

“Did that smeghead find an alien?” hissed Dave.

Rimmer stood at the last chamber, it was a larger chamber, maybe built for aliens with three heads or three bodies, his head raced with the possibilities on what kind of female alien Rimmer had found. Dave watched as Rimmer placed his hand on the window. The air in this part of Red Dwarf was dry and smelled really stale. “Goodnight, love,” he said to the being within the chamber.

Cat and Dave squeezed between two chambers, so Rimmer would not see them. The hum of the chambers was so loud; they could not hear Rimmer all that well. “And…is…that…the…story…do…have…to…tell…Rimmers…they…out.”

This part of the Red Dwarf looked like the sort of place you saw in a sci-fi movie, where there’s little left of a crew and an unknown alien takes it upon himself or herself to snack on the remaining crew. “Oh bloody hell, he made copies of himself!” moaned Dave. “And he made a female copy of himself. G-d help him if she’s hot!”

Rimmer walked down the hall and closed the door behind him. Cat jumped out from between the chambers and started towards the end of the hallway. He urged Dave to come out as well. “I wanna show you the kittens.”

Dave’s face twisted with disgust, a feeling of nausea billowed in Dave’s stomach after Cat’s words. “You had sex with the female Rimmer?”

Cat curled his upper list in disgust. “What? Ewww! No man, she ain’t no cat,” laughed Cat. “She came with two kittens.”

Dave made his way towards the end chamber, Cat following him. In the window he saw a woman, hair in a messy braid and down around her calves were two, very young children, boys. “He made a female copy and two children copies of himself?” asked Dave.

Cat pressed a hand to the button that unfroze the chambers. A siren sounded, making Cat go between two chambers again. Holly’s voice boomed. “Unfreezing has begun!”