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Chapter Three: Confusion

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My heart hurt. The terror in her eyes at the site of Red X throwing himself off the tower only made my blood boil hotter. Starfire, my Starfire; did I have the right to call her that? Either way, I saw her kiss him back. I saw her close her eyes and allow him to take her lips into his. I would've threw myself onto the roof, ran over and knocked that bastard out had I not been in complete shock and turmoil witnessing such an intimate moment between the criminal and the princess.

My fingertips were completely numb by now from clenching and unclenching my fists in rage. I couldn't think straight; I began pacing back and forth across the roof in front of the captive alien, muttering to myself, trying to work through these emotions so I didn't accidentally say or do something I knew I would regret. Bruce, my adoptive father and more famously known as Batman, always called me a hothead and warned me to keep my temper in check when I felt myself getting too worked up. He advised that if I didn't have access to my punching bag or workout room, that I should just pace, jog in place, take deep breaths, blah blah blah. A bunch of shit, honestly. But, nevertheless, here I was, taking in a few deep breaths in between my uncontrolled growls and walking back and forth. I tried to keep my gaze off the girl, who was still silent up to this point. Unfortunately, I remembered she was still a damsel in distress, and stopped my pacing. I glanced down at the vial by the girl's foot and quickly grabbed it, opened it, and poured it on part of the sticky material binding the alien. The goopy substance began to dissolve into a viscous liquid so I quickly began tugging it away from Starfire until she was free. She rubbed her upper arm and I could feel her staring at me but I refused to meet her gaze. I turned away from her, debating whether or not to just storm back into the lonesome comfort of my room or to stay and hear her out; I chose neither.

"Robin, are you-"

"What the hell, Starfire?" I cut her off, spinning around to give her a deathly glare. The tone of my voice must have startled her because she jumped slightly, taking a step away from me. I ignored the hurt and fear in her eyes and continued allowing my raw emotions to spew from my mouth. "I saw you kiss him. What, are you attracted to him or something?" She shook her head slowly, "No, I just," her voice sounded almost airy, as if she were in some kind of a daze or simply unaware of how to answer such a direct question. Starfire let out a frustrated sigh, "I do not know what came over me."

I scoffed. My hands flung out angrily to enunciate my irritation with her response, "You don't know what came over you? So you admit it, you kissed him back!" She winced. "Robin, I do not feel for the Red X. He is a criminal." Her voice remained calm and unwavering, but I could sense the tears burning her eyes and the back of her throat, aching to be let loose, "I do not understand why I allowed him to… I lost control of my senses." She was no longer looking at me and was instead staring down at her feet.

I walked over to her. I placed myself right in front of her. I always had a problem with needing answers; answers to everything from the criminals we hunt down to situations like this. I hated being uninformed or unsure of someone's motive, and right now, I wasn't sure of Red X's true reason for his action, if there was one aside from selfish male-driven desire, and I also wasn't sure of Starfire. I lowered my voice slightly since I was now so close to her. "After everything that X has done to our team; tormenting us, taunting us, stealing my damn suit… just," I felt myself soften slightly as the real question my mind was begging to ask left my lips. "…why?" Her body tensed as that one word was spoken. She was still staring down at her feet, and simply shook her head back and forth in response. I saw tears threatening to spring in her eyes, but my rage overpowered my compassion as I began pacing angrily back and forth in front of her again after realizing I was not going to get a real answer from her. I ran an irritated hand through my hair, tugging at it slightly as if it would help me register the words she hadn't spoke. "When I was Red X, you acted as if I had betrayed you. But now the tables have turned, yeah? Now you are attracted to the bad boy persona?"

She was nibbling on her lower lip and I could tell she was slightly confused. "Turning the tables? I do not understand… I am also now confused as to why you are so angry with me. Are you upset that I did not kiss you when you were the evil Red X?" My body was hot with agitation, but her words sent a different wave of warmth through my veins. Was that why I was upset? That it was him she kissed instead of me? Was I just jealous, or was it a mere concern for the affection she seemed to show to one of our team's worst enemies? I finally looked at her. "I, I…" The anger flared once more; looking at her like this just brought back that atrocious image of X holding her so closely to him and her allowing it. That sick, bubbly hot feeling was thick in my gut as my mind began formulating possible other scenarios and ideas about the thieving bastard and my teammate. I turned back towards her, "Was this the first time?" That got her attention; her head snapped up, those emerald eyes wide in shock at my question. "I have never had relations with such a man!" Somehow, the appalled tone she spoke with eased my fears ever so slightly, but I was still fuming. "How dare you accuse me of a deceit like that!" She held out her hand towards me, taking a step closer. "Robin, I am sorry for what has occurred tonight, I truly am."

My jaw tightened. "Forget it, Star. I'm not dealing with this anymore tonight. I'm going to bed." She was still standing like a statue in front of the door. Her eyes shone in the moonlight as fresh tears began to form and she withdrew the hand she had used to reach towards me, and was now holding it against her chest. I knew I was hurting her again, just as I promised I wouldn't; but to be fair, this was her fault. She was the one that was hurting me. It was only fair for me to return the favor. I rarely allowed anyone to get inside of my heart and the one time I do, this happens. I couldn't look at her anymore. I quickly made my trek to the door, slightly shoving her shoulder to move her out of the way before slamming the door behind me, leaving the confused and heartbroken girl alone on the roof. The roof was a horrible idea; I was certain now I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight, yet instead of her parading through my dreams like I had originally feared, she would be haunting my nightmares.

SSSSS

I found myself in some kind of daze after Red X's lips left my own. Had he poisoned me? I felt light headed; had his previous attack not still held me to the wall, I feared my legs would have given out beneath me. My lips tingled with a pleasant burning sensation and I was certain he must have somehow poisoned me with his display of misplaced affection. I had never felt such a strange sensation; like a quiet flame had been placed close to my lips, but only close enough to allow me to feel the pleasurable warmth without actually singeing my skin. I rather enjoyed this foreign feeling.

As a Tamaranian, my emotions are far stronger than those of people on Earth. This meant not only was this new-found feeling overpowering my senses, but it also meant the guilt was also heavy in my lowest stomach, threatening to shred through the organ all together and leave me open and vulnerable; more than I appeared to be already in my current predicament. I was not supposed to feel the 'fluttering' feeling for such a being; a criminal. I had only ever felt the worms with wings take flight within me while around Robin; that was the only man I was supposed to feel this for. I could not stop the questions from growing louder and louder until they were almost as shrill as a shrieking glorbok, racking around the confines of my brain, begging every neurologic process to give myself a logical response, Why? Why?! What have you done?!

I felt the tears threatening to fall, but I could not allow such an act in this moment. I seemed to regain myself from my previous daze, only to see a very angry Robin standing by the edge of the roof and Red X throwing himself backwards off the ledge. I felt my heart stop for a moment, for what, fear for his safety? I did not understand. I was consumed with confusion. My lips had touched others in my life, since that is the way my people learn the foreign tongues (haha…. I didn't mean to word it to sound like this but I left it in because, I mean.. c'mon xD) of other cultures and planets. I was staring blankly at Robin as he began pacing back and forth in front of me. He did not speak, merely making a few angered snarling sounds and muttering incoherent babble beneath his breath. I was too busy thinking back to the first time I met Robin, and the 'kiss' we shared. Had I felt this back then? I already knew the answer before I even asked myself the question: no. I had never felt this. But why? He is the reason I have stayed on Earth after all of this time; the reason I gave up the throne on Tamaran; he's the reason I have not accepted any of the 'coming on's' to me from other men. So why could not this wonderful, joyous feeling consume me when I had kissed Robin? Why must it feel this way when someone so dangerous and bad did such an act without asking for my consent? I truly was confused by my own actions; it only made it so much more painful when Robin too was asking me for answers that I just did not possess; we both had the same questions for what happened yet neither of us had any answers. The argument between us stung. I could no longer hold the tears at bay after seeing the hate behind his mask. Him shoving me out of the way so abruptly to get back into the tower, slamming the door after him, of course it had not hurt me physically, but emotionally it did far more than just bruise me, as did his words.

I stood up there alone for only a minute after he left to try and compose myself and attempt to reorganize my scattered thoughts and feelings. They were overwhelming. I released a sigh, as if that gust of air from my lungs would carry all the questions raging inside of me and with the new breath, return with the answers. Unfortunately, Earth air did not work that way. I wiped the tears off my face, then decided maybe I should go for a walk; sleep would not come easy if I could not gain control of these thoughts. I decided that even if these thoughts could not be reigned it, I could at least tire my body out enough to hopefully welcome the sleep from exhaustion.

It took a few minutes before I was even able to get off the roof and I ended up still falling on my butt in the grass anyway. With my flight depending on my favorite emotion, joy, it was difficult to come up with something to help lift me. I tried to think of Robin, but naturally that led to only memories of tonight and that horrible look he gave me before going back into the tower. I thought of our other friends, but then a new thought hit me: what if he told the rest of our friends what had happened? Would they, too, hate me? Would I be cast out from the Titans and from our home? No, I had to get off this roof, I had to stop worrying at least until I got onto the ground. Sadly, the only thought strong enough to ease me back down to land was the thought of the kiss; until I got close to the ground and was once again plagued with guilt for having such elated thoughts over my unforgivable mistake.

I quickly stood and straightened out my skirt before beginning my trek through the peacefully quiet streets of Jump. I had been walking for quite some time now without truly paying close attention to which direction I was heading or from which I had came from. It was a good idea though, this walk; I was already beginning to feel a lot of my consuming guilt and confusion dissipate with every step. Luckily, my plan had been to exhaust my body so my mind would be forced to rest as well, and it seemed to be working so far.

A dog barked in an upstairs apartment; a cat was lounging lazily on the lid of a full garbage can, and I found myself smile at the simplicity of it all. I had yet to see another person, but due to the time, I was not surprised. The bricks of the buildings on most of the streets I had been down were illuminated by the street lights, giving them a soft, amber glow. I found myself already feeling so at peace that I was humming a tune quietly to myself.

I turned off from one street and headed left towards another block, until I noted that there were very few lights lining the dim street. I actually do not think I had ever been down this street before. I quickly decided to avoid that block in exchange for one with a few more lights. Just as I turned my back on the ominous street, a familiar voice broke through the silence from the shadows behind me, sending a chill of both excitement and fear down my spine.

"What's the matter, cutie, afraid of the dark?"