FicWad

SO it's been literally FOUR YEARS since I started this story and I doubt any of my previous readers are still here... But I remembered how much I enjoyed writing this fic and decided to carry it on!
Hope you enjoy it! R&R please!

Panda'xo



The past few weeks had been the worst of my life. Worse than when I thought I’d killed Ray. Worse than when we first went on the run. Worse than when I heard the news that… Okay. Not the worst of my life, I thought as the images of my wife and children passed through my mind; but they were still bad.

Mikey, Ray and Gerard hadn’t spoken to me since that night. After Gerard and I kissed, and Mikey prised us apart and punched me in the jaw. I guess I’d crossed the line, big time. But I wanted for him to know that it wasn’t a random drunken fling, it wasn’t me trying to make Gerard feel better in some deranged way. I loved him, and I had done for years. But Mikey didn’t understand that.

Gerard had been averting my gaze every time I’d seen him at dinner or during training. He didn’t come to my room anymore, and I didn’t dare go to his. I knew it couldn’t be anger causing him to act this way, as he was the one who had kissed me first. It was shame. He was ashamed to have kissed me, and that cut me deeper than anything he could have done. Even if he’d laughed right in my face when I confessed my love, it would have been better than this. I just couldn’t understand why…

Well, it was probably because it hadn’t been long since we’d found out our wives and children had been murdered, I thought to myself bitterly. But I wasn’t the only one who felt this way… there’s no way he would have kissed me for no reason, especially after all he’d been feeling… Getting off with someone for the fun of it would have been the last thing on his mind after that. But why couldn’t he just talk to me?!

I felt my anger bubbling up, and I supressed it. Again.

I’d been feeling angry a lot lately, but I couldn’t allow for myself to be so stupid again. My hands had only just healed from last time, and I still felt like an idiot for having a temper tantrum. I know that everyone deals with hurt and loss in different ways, but why couldn’t I just cry and feel down for a while instead of having silly fits of rage? It was so childish.

I wouldn’t be able to ignore it forever, though. I needed to do something about this. I’d been thinking about talking to Gerard ever since it had happened, but I had wanted to give him time. Without cell phones, and clocks, and calenders, time was a very odd concept here; but I’d been mentally counting every day since the kiss. The sunset I could see from my window ticked off day 29 in my mind. Just over 4 weeks. More than enough time for someone to get their head straight, I would hope.

Tonight was the night. I couldn’t leave it a whole month; I needed everything to be out in the open. I took a deep breath, still having no idea what I would actually say but knowing that now was the time, and headed out to the hallway.

I passed River Dragon and Acid Rain talking, although they both became silent as I got close, which made me feel like I was back at high school. They were just being teenagers, I guess, but it still felt a bit shitty. I had no reason to believe that they were talking about me – after all, this drama only really extended between the four of us, even though everyone had probably learned about it by now – but it definitely felt like they were. Maybe I was just being paranoid.

I sped up the stairs to the top floor, thankful that my ankle had finally stopped causing me pain, and stood outside Gerard’s door. I pressed my ear to it for a few seconds, trying to listen to see if Mikey or Ray were in there too, but heard nothing. I knocked once, not wanting to speak as he might not open the door if he knew it were me.
“Who is it?” Damn.
“It’s Frank… please.” I sighed, knowing that this whole thing was probably pointless.

I couldn’t hear anything for the next few seconds, and in my mind I was planning how long I could stand at the door and wait without seeming like a creep, when suddenly the door opened.

He looked a little dishevelled, with his hair messier than I’d seen for a long time, and sleep in the corners of his eyes. We were silent for what seemed like an eternity, before he stepped to one side to allow me inside. I hesitantly sat on the end of his ‘bed’ as he sat at the other end. He looked tired, and I realised I may have just woken him up and instantly felt guilty.

I sighed, and begun trying to explain myself. “I’m sorry. I know it was horrific timing, and I shouldn’t have said what I did but… Fuck’s sake, Gee, I really meant it. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. It’s just always been there. You… You weren’t the only one I loved,” I gulped, as I felt a twinge of pain in my chest for Jamia, “but it’s still always been there. I loved you in a different way… I guess I always wanted something more, but at the same time I was content with you just being in my life as my best friend; but so much has changed and it’s just been building up and up.”

I said it all so quickly, I wasn’t even sure it made any sense. But I was glad he’d waited patiently for me to finish and hadn’t kicked me out or something.
“I know.” He whispered. “It’s been like that for me, too.”

It took me a minute or two to take that in. He’d always felt it, just like I had. Half of me wanted to do cartwheels and jump around like an excited child, but the other half… The other half was crushed, by how he’d been acting for the past few weeks. If he truly loved me, why has he been putting me through this?
“So,” I finally began, “why have you been ignoring me for the past few weeks? If you feel the same way… it doesn’t make any sense. If you love me too, then why have things been this way?” I couldn’t deny that my heart leapt when I said he loved me. He started to bite his lip as he thought of a reply, and all I could think was how much I wanted those lips on mine. God, he looked sexy biting his lip; he needed to hurry up and say something otherwise I didn’t think I could control myself.

“It isn’t right.” I felt my stomach drop; what did he mean?! After years on the run, this was the only part of my life which did feel right; my only constant in an ever changing world which constantly scared me.
“Mikey… Well, I don’t think he knows or understands how we really feel, but he still made a few good points when he spoke to me that night after it happened. About how we can’t be doing this so soon after we found out…” He took a deep breath. “How this whole thing could tear up the group.”

“But, don’t you see? It already is! It’s already tearing us apart! Not because we love each other, but because it’s been turned into this horrible thing. Like we’re being dishonourable and disgusting. There’s never going to be a good time for this to happen… I think at any point in our lives it may still feel like it’s too soon, but I also think that being with someone you love is the only way to get over a tragedy. We aren’t forgetting them, we aren’t saying that they didn’t mean the world to us – because they definitely did, and still do. We’re just being ourselves. No one is supposed to be broken forever. I feel like… a part of me might always be broken in a way, knowing that I will never have them back, but I also know that this is right.” I paused, staring at him as he stared at his shoes, not wanting to look me in the eye.

I shuffled along to the side, closing some of the gap between us, and cupped his chin in my hands so that he would look at me.
“One thing I do know is that this feels more right than anything has since we went on the run. It’s kept me sane, and it’s kept me going. I fucking love you, Gee.” I let go of him and put my hands over my face, not wanting to see him anymore. If he looked ashamed, or disappointed, I wouldn’t be able to take it. He had said he loved me too… Why couldn’t that be enough?

“It’s been the same for me.” He whispered, and I realised that he wanted the exact same thing that I did. But he didn’t know how it could work.

Mikey had been one of my best friends for years, so I couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. He knew that Gerard and I were close – heck we’d kissed on stage for years and he never had an issue with it – he must have realised that it could have been something more? Although… I guess we were married, so he wouldn’t really have a reason to picture us together. Just because I’d felt this way for years, doesn’t mean that others have seen that I’ve felt this way.

He needed to understand that this was real.

“I’ll talk to Mikey… When he knows that this is so much bigger than a drunken kiss, he’ll have to accept this. He needs to.” With the knowledge that Gerard loved me back, I finally had enough resolve to confront Mikey about this whole mess. I began to stand up, when I was pulled back down onto the blankets, tumbling onto my side. Gerard’s lips were on mine before I had a chance to steady myself, and I let out a small hiss as I landed a little awkwardly on my wrist, but I didn’t want to break away from him.

His hands found their way into my hair, pulling me closer to him as my eyes flickered shut. My mind went completely blank, and I could see, think, feel, was him. I briefly pulled away, just so that I could look at him. I wanted for this moment to be etched in my mind for as long as possible, in case this didn’t change anything and he went back to ignoring me. His eyes fluttered open, and he gave me a small smile before pulling me closer once more. God, I wanted him.

I hastily wrapped my arms around him, closing the gap between our bodies so I could feel him pressed against me. He gave a tiny moan as I grinded ever so slightly against him, revelling in the touch, driving me crazy. We could have been kissing for seconds, minutes, hours – I didn’t know, but I was enjoying every tiny moment.

“For Fuck’s sake.”
We sprung apart, jumping at the intruding voice. I hadn’t heard any footsteps, or the door opening. Yet somehow Mikey had got in the room, and looked like he was going to punch me again. I glanced over at Gerard, who had hunched his shoulders and was staring at the floor. Looking guilty and ashamed, again. My breath caught in my throat, sounding like a hiccup, but feeling like my heart had stopped. He was ashamed of being caught with me, ashamed to be kissing me, and most definitely ashamed to love me.

“Frank. What the fuck are you doing?!”
I glanced back to Gerard, to see if he would jump to my rescue. After all, this was the second time that he had initiated the kissing, yet I seemed to be the only one being blamed for it. He said nothing.
“I… Mikey, I love him. This isn’t a game.” The silence was deafening.
“No, you don’t. You’ve lost a huge part of your life and you’re trying to cling to what’s left.” His words burned through me; how could he say something so cruel? How could he take everything I’d been through, everything I felt, and belittle it into something so selfish?
“I. Love. Him.” I growled through gritted teeth. Gerard lightly touched my arm, evidently sensing my anger and wanting to help me stay calm. I knew it must be difficult for him to be stuck between me and his brother, but I couldn’t deal with how Mikey was handling this situation.

Mikey just stayed silent, staring at us both.
“How long?” He asked, finally.
“To be honest-“ I began, but Gerard cut me off.
“Always.” He said with a slight sigh.
“But… You were married?” I flinched a little at the word ‘were’, but I could definitely understand his confusion.
“It’s… complicated.” I started, “It’s just… always been there. Jamia… was… my world. I still love her… But I love Gerard. It’s difficult to explain. I’ve just always felt it, but it could never mean anything before, I could never do that to Jamia because I did truly love her. I’m not making any sense, am I?” I rested my head in my hands, trying to think of a better way to explain it to someone who had never felt this way. It was easy explaining it to Gerard, because he’d been going through the same thing; but Mikey was a different story.

“I… I get it.” Gerard and I stared at him.
“You do?” Gee asked, curiously.
“Yeah.” He bit his lip, and Gee and I shared a glance, but we could both see he didn’t want to open up about it.

“Just… Frank?”
“Yeah, Mike?”
“Don’t hurt my brother.” Mikey scowled, pointing his finger at me. Gerard giggled at his attempt to look tough, and Mikey gave a weak smile in return.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”