FicWad

In all my years, I'd not once believed that I would look back on my high school years with anything other than regret and humiliation. I had left Domino in some childishly vain attempt of finding myself anywhere other than the place of my young adulthood and so many memories, but it is true when people say that each person's past haunts him for the rest of his life, and so naturally I was bound to return at some point or other-it simply depended on when I would come to realize that the inevitable would occur sooner or later and some twist of fate would lead me back to the city that I had once called my home.

But what is home, exactly? People say that home is where the heart is, but what answer do they have for someone who has lost sight of where his heart lies, for one who cut himself off from the world out of his fear of pain and reality? One could then easily go on to argue the defining lines between reality and delusion, but that would lead away from my point. Then again, that in itself depends on whether I did in fact have a point or not when I began this train of thought.

Domino... the thought of that city brought up so many memories that I had considered buried with the years from long ago. They brought so much pain: that of my first encounter with my dark half, of broken friendships, of all the death and destruction that surrounded all of us who were connected to the Dark Powers. Reflecting on this, it was no wonder that I had left as soon as I had graduated from high school, going off to college as far from my past as I could. Back then, I didn't regret my decision to leave-at least, not immediately. Naturally I was loathe to leave those whom I considered my friends, but my desperate need to escape drove me to go through with it. It wasn't long afterwards though that I realized that I had made a brash choice, but by then there had been no possibility of turning back, so I had no choice but to attempt to leave my past behind me, relinquishing all to memories overshadowed by regret, while trying to find a new path for myself apart from everything that had once been a part of me.

Is it any surprise that even after all these years I cannot let go of the strings that I believed I had severed so long ago? Perhaps it is not that I cannot let go, and rather it is that the strings are eternally connected to me and that I am unaware of some hidden puppet master who is not yet ready to release his pawn. But if this were true, then what is there for me to do in order to play out my unknown part? I can't return to Domino-not just can't, but won't. I will not subjugate my former friends to the twisted fancies that plague my mind at the cost of possibly and very likely having to leave them once again.

Yet I cannot help but wonder what would happen if I were to return. Would he be there? Likely not, for his home was in Egypt, not Japan. But still, who is to say for certain that he had never gone back? After all, he too would no longer be tied down to college, considering whether or not he had gone to college in the first place, since he had been taught at home for the majority of his childhood.

He and I were similar in a few ways other than that neither of us was born in Domino. There was also that eternal sense of not belonging. Neither of us was ever truly considered a part of Yuugi-tachi-we were just too different, too disconnected from the rest of the world. I suppose that may have been one of the reasons for my attraction to him. Maybe some part of me believed that we could be all each other needed. After all, who needs the world when you have someone to love?

And then there is always the fact that the Dark Powers had given us our own personal hells in life. There is little else in the world more disturbing and horrifying than knowing that a part of you finds pleasure in killing, in seeking power whilst causing others terrible pain, in being generally amoral and sadistic. It makes you feel... dirty. It makes you wish you were no longer yourself, that you could disappear or die or just do anything to erase the feeling of guilt and disgust with yourself.

I suppose that it is somewhat easier for me than for him, since the other part of myself is more or less just the resurfaced memory of an ancient tomb robber rather than a suppressed part of my present identity. Yuugi-tachi used to tell me that this should make me feel less guilty about everything that I... he... has done, but it doesn't. It only succeeds in making me feel even more worthless. If my sole purpose is to serve as my other self's pawn and that I am just the byproduct of his reincarnation, it is more than difficult to find much meaning in life. Yet ever since Yami no Yuugi attained the Dark Powers and was able to rid me of the former tomb robber's presence within me, it has been easier to search for the meaning that I used to be unable to follow. However, Yami no Yuugi's refusal to kill my other self or even seal him away for eternity and his choice to grant my other self a separate body of his own has managed to cause me nothing but trouble for years.

"We're out of peanuts," he grouses, crossing his arms over his chest and sinking deeper into his seat after tossing away an empty peanut bag over his shoulder, which managed to land on the head of a man who is sleeping in the row behind us. Luckily, the man has yet to wake up and notice the garbage on his face.

"Please, just try to behave yourself," I plead with him, but he seems to be ignoring me as he occupies himself with a magazine.

At times, I believe that he is worse than any brother could ever be, since he manages to act like both an incessantly irritating older brother and attention-requiring younger brother simultaneously. I wouldn't dare leave him to his own devices for more than a few minutes at a time, seeing as I prefer that he causes no damage (physical or mental) to himself or those around him, yet his constant presence can become more than a bit nerve-grating, especially when he is in one of his moods.

"Dorobou, (1) please!" However, it is too late. I can't help but groan as a rather large and equally incensed woman begins screaming at him, holding her wailing child close, threatening to do horrible things to him that I would rather not think about for popping her daughter's bubble gum and causing it to plaster itself all over the poor girl's face. At this point I choose to feign sleep and take no part in the dispute.

When the woman starts in about how she is going to have to cut her daughter's hair, he comments, "Well, she shouldn't have been chewing the stuff if she was worried about getting it in her hair. That is what kids generally do, you know. Get it in their hair and everyplace else." At this, the woman made a sound that conveyed both disgust and indignation, most likely at the thought that her precious child could ever do anything short of perfect as Dorobou suggested.

"Whatever makes you think that?" she sneers, and I have the distinct feeling even though my eyes are closed that she is glaring at me. "Is it because your little brother got gum in his hair when he was younger?"

The woman's insults are beginning to annoy me, so I don't attempt to restrain my foul mood as I say, even though I do not open my eyes to look at her, "I do not chew gum, nor have I ever. It's disgusting and can too easily become a habit. Besides, unlike some people, I do not fancy a haircut due to irresponsibility."

I suppose that she left shortly after I spoke, since as I awake from my "sleep" she is no longer there and Dorobou is grinning at me oddly. "It looks like someone is in a nasty little mood today," he remarks, crossing his arms behind his head, but his grin quickly evaporates. "You're nervous about going back, aren't you?"

"Whatever makes you think that?" I ask in a mockery imitation of the woman's question from earlier.

He raises an eyebrow, which he does so often that he knows it annoys me. "The sarcasm, for one thing."

"I suppose that does give it away," I admit with a sigh. "Though it's not so much that I'm nervous, but more that I'm..."

"Worried?" he supplies. "You shouldn't be. If he isn't there, we can always go to Egypt and hunt him down."

I simply nod and a silence falls between us as he nods off to sleep, not bothering to mention that the possibility that he may not be in Domino was not what worried me. The thing that concerned me was that he would very likely reject me. I haven't heard hide nor hair from him in nearly five years, and so much can change in a few years. He could easily have become someone different from the boy I had fallen in love with years ago, even if my mind refuses to believe such a thing and continues to imagine him exactly as he always was ever since his dark self was banished-sweet and thoughtful; careful yet adventurous; innocent without the ignorance that so often accompanies it; beautiful in every way possible.

I am not obsessed. Really, I'm not.

My thoughts are interrupted when Dorobou starts muttering in his sleep. "Damned peanuts! Will destroy... with hellfire and brimstone..." (2)

Sometimes I wonder about him. Almost the entire time when he was literally inside my head, he was little else but bent on world domination and seeking the Dark Powers, but ever since his goal was made impossible by Yami no Yuugi he has been acting strangely, almost as if he doesn't take anything in life seriously any longer. Perhaps this is because he was so suddenly uprooted from the life he knew that he has come to regard everything as a joke and as nothing very important, and I suppose this makes sense for him since nothing ever was very important to him aside from achieving his goal.

Compared to Dorobou's goal, mine seems much more practical yet so much more difficult. Is there really much of a difference between attempting to move mountains and trying to move someone's heart? I do not know. I am not sure that I want to know.

Just then, a voice comes over the train's announcement system. "Next stop, Domino City." It feels as though that voice is sealing my fate and making it impossible for me to turn back at this point, though this is not an unfamiliar feeling, since I had felt it once before when I was leaving the city to which I am now returning.

Perhaps this is a stupid idea... I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have brought myself to this point, I shouldn't have torn my heart apart over this all over again. It was impossibly difficult to leave the first time, and there is no assurance that it will be any less so to leave after this. I don't want to be tied down to Domino-I want to be freed of this longing inside myself to see him again, but there seems to be an invisible tether binding me to him and to this place.

Why can't life be simpler? Why can't we detach ourselves from our feelings and emotions as easily as we are detached from the world? It just doesn't seem fair.

But then again, nothing is fair in life.

"Ryou, are you ready?" I hadn't noticed Dorobou staring at me and waving his hand in front of my face, which I believe is turning rather red now, and he shakes his head at me. "Come on, it's our stop."

Silently, I pick up my bags and follow him off the train and through the station. I'm not ready... I'm not ready to believe that I am back here, nor am I ready to face him. God, why can't I say his name, let alone think it? Maybe because it is too painful. Maybe because, once I say it, I will feel that I am committing myself to something over my head. But then again, what in life is worth it if it is too easily attained?

This thought doesn't comfort me much, but still, it is something to keep me going on this ridiculous quest... though if I keep this up for much longer, I may as well be chasing windmills like some mad knight-errant. If that were the case, at least I would have the one person that I always strive to impress, the one whom I am destined to love only from afar, the one whose life I will hopefully touch and change for the better-my Dulcinea... (3) my Mariku.

It takes me a moment to realize that we are standing outside of an apartment complex and a taxi is speeding away from the curb where it dropped us. I suppose that Dorobou understood that I needed time to think about everything, about why we are here and what I aim to do, and took care of getting us where we need to be. Even though he can be a general pain, he can also be surprising at times, especially in cases that require being considerate. Maybe there really is more to him than I thought.

After picking up the keys from the landlady, we head up to the fifth and top floor where the apartment that we had called ahead to arrange is located. Dorobou takes no time in covering the essentials as he dashes around the apartment, searching for his basic needs. I hear small snippets of things like, "Damn it, where's the beer?" and "There has to be a remote control around here somewhere," but generally ignore them, since he will eventually either find what he is looking for or send me to a store to do his dirty work, since he is almost religiously abhorrent of going shopping.

While Dorobou continues to scour the apartment, I go to check the telephone answering machine. Dorobou had insisted that we inform my old friends of our visit, and as much as I had not wanted anyone to know, I eventually gave in and called Yuugi to tell him when we were coming and to give him the apartment telephone number, believing that he would undoubtedly call the others and spread the word. He sounded surprised yet happy when I called, but apparently didn't feel compelled to let me know how everyone's lives were going, which I suppose he decided to leave for after Dorobou and I arrived.

If the flashing light on the machine is no indication, then the pre-recorded voice informing me of four calls certainly makes my stomach twist. Jonouchi, Honda, Yami and Yuugi had all left messages demanding that I call them back as soon as possible so that we could arrange a group outing.

Since Yuugi had been the only one I had called before, I feel more comfortable as the phone begins ringing on the other end than I would if I called any of the others. However, this small security flees as the other end is picked up and I hear Anzu's voice.

"Hello?"

"Ah... Anzu, hi. Is Yuugi there?"

"Oh, Bakura-kun!" she says, clearly surprised to be hearing from me. "Yes, Yuugi's here, hold on." I hear some faint shuffling sounds before Yuugi comes on the line.

"Bakura-kun! How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answer, feeling a slight smile tug at the corners of my lips. Even after all these years, he still has his ability to make anyone smile, no matter the circumstance. If that can remain for years, maybe other things can remain unchanging as well. Maybe Mariku is still just as I think of him...

"You didn't have a difficult time on the train, did you? You sound kind of tired."

"No, I didn't... Hey, how did you know I came by train?"

"Ah, just a guess."

A guess my foot. Somehow Yuugi knows more than he should, and I have a feeling that a little bird by the name of Dorobou told him. My suspicion is confirmed as I look up from the telephone and see him smirking at me. "What else did you tell him?" I hiss, but quietly enough so that Yuugi doesn't hear.

"Nothing much," he responds airily, and I know I won't be getting any more information out of him at the moment.

"So, Bakura-kun, can you and Dorobou come over? The others are coming too, and I thought you might want to see them... you know, since it's been so long."

Of course, Yuugi just had to add that last bit to make me feel guilty enough to agree, which unfortunately is working. "Sure," I say, repressing a sigh, "of course we'll come."

"Great! Drop by in about an hour, all right? See you then!"

As Yuugi hangs up, I can't help but feel like I just walked into a death trap. However, this trapped feeling dissipates slightly as I glare daggers at Dorobou, who continues to smirk. "What did you mean by 'nothing much'? I know you're up to something, so don't try to talk your way out of this."

He looks a bit ruffled as he says, "Me, up to something? Now why would I be up to something?" I simply respond to this with a glare, and he goes on, "Oh, come off it, Ryou. I thought that you would appreciate getting back together with Yuugi-tachi, but apparently I will always be held in suspicion! Oh, why are you so cruel to me?" By this point, he has buried his face in his arms crossed over the table.

I wait a few moments before asking, "Are you finished yet?"

Dorobou's head snaps up and he shrugs. "More or less."

Sighing, I exit the kitchen and head down the hallway towards my bedroom, but pause when I come to the mirror and reach into my pants pocket to pull out and old group photograph of all of us that was taken shortly after Battleship and Alcatraz. It's funny to note how little my appearance has changed during the past few years. Other than gaining a few inches of height and hair length (which, no matter how much Dorobou insists, I will never cut to a shorter length), nothing else seems to have changed. Even if I haven't changed that much externally, though, I can't say the same for internally. Back in high school, I had little if any direction in life, but now... Well, perhaps I do professionally, but does that really matter if I feel as incomplete as I do and am searching for my way back to Mariku? The only direction I seem to currently have is whichever one will lead me to him.

"Are you ready to go?" I hear Dorobou call from the doorway. "We're supposed to be there in fifteen minutes!"

Have I been staring at this photograph for that long? I guess that just goes to show that it is so easy to get caught up in time with one's thoughts, which are entangling enough on their own. Everything is so confusing; I don't know where to start on my quest to find Mariku. Who is to say that he is even in the country? He and his family left so abruptly those years ago... perhaps that was their way of saying that they had no intention of becoming attached to us, or perhaps they did so to ensure that they would not become attached. If the latter is so, then I believe that I can somewhat relate, for I know how difficult it is to leave behind a place you consider home, even if only for a short while, and the people you know. The longer you hold on, the harder it becomes to let go, and harder even more so when you know that you have no choice but to release your hold on what you've tried to grasp for so long.

"I'm coming!" I call to him, but before I go to where he is waiting for me, I dash to my room and place the photo on the bed. Maybe it is time that I let go of the past-I didn't act upon my feelings when I had the chance, but if I let go of old failures, I may still have some chance, even if only a very slim one, to do something about it now. Mariku may still be in Domino or some other part of Japan, and if he isn't, then I will find him... somehow. All that matters is that I not give up and that I continue to chase these windmills, no matter whether they turn to into giants or into cloudy trails of lost dreams.

*

Dorobou had eventually become fed up with waiting for me and pulled me by the arm out of the apartment, and his strange need for perfect punctuality allowed us to arrive at Yuugi's place precisely at noon. Not so surprisingly, everyone else was already there and seemed to be waiting for us rather anxiously, as if they hadn't believed that we would show up.

It is so comforting to know that my friends have such unwavering faith in me. Note the sarcasm.

Speaking of them, I admit that I was quite surprised when I found out that they were all in solid relationships. Yuugi and Anzu are married (which explains why Anzu had answered the telephone when I called earlier) with a two year old daughter, and Jonouchi and Mai are expecting their first child within the next month. Although not married, Yami and Kaiba live quite happily together, as similarly do Honda and Otogi. Yami and Kaiba I never could have foreseen from how they acted towards one another in high school, but Honda and Otogi were rather obvious back then. I suppose nothing is always as it seems.

I also manage to make note of how Kaiba and Jonouchi are actually acting civil towards one another and stupidly ask why this is so, deciding a moment after asking that it would probably have been much safer to just let the peace continue. However, it turns out that the reason for their lack of fighting is due to Mokuba and Shizuka's engagement, which I certainly did not expect.

Although the day is proving to be most informative, I somehow feel that everyone is just making idle chatter, as if waiting for something to happen. If they are expecting me to pour out every detail of what has been going on in the past five years of my life, they are only kidding themselves, because I have no intention of reliving that time. Although it is true that I made friends when I went to college, I had felt lonely, aside from Dorobou's near-constant presence. I missed Domino, I wanted so badly to return... but I didn't dare, because Mariku might have been there. Thinking back, I can see now that I had been foolish for thinking that way, especially since the reason for my return is to find the one person I had so long attempted to avoid at all costs.

"Well, we should be going now," I announce as I stand up from my seat on the sofa. "Dorobou and I haven't unpacked yet, and the longer we put it off, the less likely we are to ever get around to it."

Dorobou makes a snorting sound, as if I were accusing him of being something akin to a procrastinating child (which I do not doubt that he is), but Yuugi rises quickly from where he was sitting on the arm of a chair. "Do you have to leave now?" he asks, shooting a quick glance at the clock, which reads five of one o'clock. "Can't you stay for just a bit longer?"

Raising an eyebrow in a way that could almost compare with Dorobou's habitual way, I regard Yuugi with a skeptical look. I thought there had been something peculiar about how he had seemed to so want for me to come when I called, but the way he is acting now is downright suspicious, and the feeling I'd had of walking into a trap resurfaces with shocking force.

Before I have much of a chance to dwell on this, there is a knock at the front door followed by the sound of the door swinging open, and an unwarranted shiver runs down my spine.

"Hey everyone! Sorry I'm late, but my sister had me on babysitting duty."

I feel my eyes widen and heart freeze as I hear his voice. My feet, on the other hand, are begging my mind to be permitted to run away as quickly as humanly possibly if not faster, but my brain seems to have frozen over as well. Even so, my entire body turns to liquid fire the moment Mariku walks into the room and sends a smile my way.

"Bakura-kun, I didn't know you were back! Long time no see, ne?" he says as he perches on the arm of the sofa, beside the place where I had been sitting. I simply nod and reclaim my seat, feeling a slight tremor travel through my body when the object of my affections leans slightly against me for balance. I should be happy that Mariku was still here, still so close-though not exactly in the way I had expected-but I'm not.

This may be because I feel that my windmill has suddenly transformed into an unconquerable giant.





Notes:

(1) Dorobou means "Thief."

(2) The ridiculous thing about this is that I've actually known people who have talked like this in their sleep. It makes for rather useful blackmail material if you happen to have a tape recorder handy. :P

(3) Don Quixote reference. Man of La Mancha rocks.