FicWad

I can't think straight; I can hardly think at all, what with Mariku being so close. It feels as though the temperature in the room has suddenly rocketed to a height rivaling that of the sun's surface, and it has become all the more difficult to breathe.

Not to mention that Mariku leaning against my shoulder really is not helping the matter.

I am beyond grateful as Dorobou rises, stretches a bit, and yawns. "Ryou's right, we had better go. There's no telling how long it will take to unpack."

"Oh, did you only just arrive in town?" Mariku asks, looking first at Dorobou before smiling down at me, and all I can think to do is nod dumbly.

It seems as though some higher power wants our gathering to end abruptly at this point, because Yuugi and Anzu's daughter bounds into the room, wailing about how she can't find her favorite doll. The others take this as their cue to dismiss themselves quietly and go their separate ways until Dorobou, Mariku and myself are the only visitors remaining. I am more than anxious to leave, but Dorobou's face has taken on a greenish tinge, which I do not doubt can be blamed on the large quantity of onion dip that he insisted on eating, despite my warnings regarding what happened the last time he'd done that. I swear, he will never learn.

"Go back to the apartment without me," he insists, already heading in the direction that Anzu had pointed out for the bathroom, Yuugi having disappeared to take care of the missing doll situation. "I'll head back soon enough, but for now, I need some private time to pay homage to the porcelain god." Rolling my eyes at his crudeness, I can do little else but agree to meet him at home later.

Home... could I really call it, the apartment in which we had spent less than an hour as of yet, my home? I don't feel any particular attachment to the place; it is simply somewhere to stay while hiding from the rest of the world within Domino, avoiding what is closing in... what is already much too near.

"Would you mind terribly if I accompanied you?"

I look up from my thoughts-Mariku is watching me, a small smile on his face. God, how I've missed his smile. "No, not at all, Mariku-kun." I'm surprised that I don't stutter over my words.

Taking to the streets, we walk for some time with a peaceful silence between us, but that silence is broken when Mariku speaks. "What made you decide to come back?" I blink at him for a moment, unsure as to what made him ask that question. He seems to take this to mean I don't understand what he's asking, as he continues, "I mean, I'm sure now that you're out of college you can find work wherever you want. I just wanted to know if you came back because you intend to look for work in the city, or..." he shrugs. "Maybe something else."

"Mariku-kun..."

He suddenly laughs. "Don't mind me, I'm just curious. I just think it's unusual that you had make such an effort to get away from Domino only to return a few years later."

"What do you mean?" How did he know that? I hadn't told anyone my college plans!

"Oh, come on, Bakura-kun. All the others couldn't wait to tell everyone the moment they'd received their acceptance letters from Domino University. Well, not Kaiba, but he's not one to flaunt that sort of news anyway." He stops walking and pulls me to a stop beside him. "You were the only one who never received a letter... and why was that? Because you'd never even sent an application. You didn't need to say so; it was too obvious when you suddenly took off for some college on the other side of the country. So tell me, Bakura-kun, why come back now? Why, after all that effort to get away?"

I can't say anything; no words can find their way from my mouth. I wanted so much to deny it, to say that wasn't the case, that it wasn't true, that I had sent an application but it never went through, but he would know I was lying.

He just smiles at me after a moment and shakes his head. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me. It's your own business. I shouldn't have gotten mixed up in it. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Mariku-kun," I tell him. After that, the conversation quickly dies.

Within a few minutes, we reach the apartment complex. He doesn't ask to be let in, nor do I ask if he wants to come in, but he follows me inside as I unlock the front door and turn on the light switch.

"Nice place," Mariku comments as he closes the door behind himself and glances about the apartment.

"Yeah... it's okay, I guess." I can't even remember why we're here for a moment, until I recall how much unpacking needs to be done. "Feel free to look around, Mariku-kun.... I need to unpack." Seeing him nod, I head towards my bedroom, rather eager to remove myself from his presence.

I want to be near him, but being in such close proximity to him made me so immensely uncomfortable. It reminds me of stories I'd heard in the past about a place in the Afterlife, before being able to enter Paradise.... Because one's soul was not completely pure, being in a place of such pure bliss was so agonizingly painful, for the soul knew that it was unworthy of such happiness-and so it went to another place for some time to purge itself of its impurities, until it was ready to encounter Paradise. (1)

But would I ever be worthy of being in Mariku's presence? It certainly doesn't seem so...

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. Or maybe I'm not being hard enough by thinking that I might actually have any sort of chance with him.

I sigh, fully aware that I am simply dragging myself in circles and getting nowhere with this train of thought. I resume my unpacking, pulling articles of clothing out of one of my suitcases and placing them in the dresser drawers. It would be best if I finished before Dorobou returned, since it would be an... interesting experience to try and get him to unpack his belongings in any fashion even remotely resembling tidiness-or for that matter, to do anything other than just dump out his suitcases' belongings on the floor in a pile that would likely be labeled "Dorobou's Crap Mound: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Approach."

"Hey, I remember this... from Kaiba-kun's tournament."

Turning around, I see Mariku sitting on the edge of my bed with the photograph I'd placed there earlier in his hands. His expression... he looks so sad. But then, who could blame him? That picture had been taken shortly after he had been rid of his dark half, and due to the proximity of those events, a number of painful memories were likely brought back to him.

If this is true though, he hides it well as he smiles and motions for me to join him. "Do you ever wonder how things might be now if the past were different?"

"Different in what way?" I ask, temporarily abandoning my suitcase and sitting beside him, though reluctantly.

"Oh, I don't know... just different. Like if Yami no Yuugi-kun had never reawakened, or the same concerning Dorobou, or if I hadn't been so screwed up from my childhood and hadn't developed my own dark side. Or if our friends' relationships had been different-if Yami no Yuugi-kun somehow had managed to kill Kaiba-kun as he'd threatened so many times to do, or if Yuugi-kun hadn't gotten Anzu pregnant during senior year of college, or... if they'd ended up with someone else." He looks up from the photo to me. "Or if you'd gone to Domino University instead of some damned far-off college I've never even heard of before."

"What..?" I am fairly certain that I'm gaping slightly at his suddenly sharp tone. "Mariku-kun, I...I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?"

He shakes his head. "It's not that you did something wrong; I just hadn't expected it, not from you. You were the last person I'd expect to take off the way you did, with hardly a word, let alone no notice beforehand." Mariku sighs and turns his glance to stare at the wall for a moment. He doesn't look at me as he asks, "I just want to know-why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were close, but apparently not close enough for you to care to tell me that I might never see you again. Didn't it occur to you..." He pauses and suddenly stands, taking a few steps away, putting some distance between us-and although physically it is comparatively small to the distance I created five years ago, it's like he is trying to recreate the emotional separation that I had caused.

"Bakura-kun, you know that I didn't have many friends in my childhood. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost someone close to me."

As I listen to him speak about how my sudden departure affected him-how badly it had hurt him-my thoughts wander elsewhere, within. Was all this my fault? By running away from Mariku and the feelings I hold for him, have I made it impossible to ever have those feelings reciprocated? Have I hurt him while trying to emotionally shield myself?

Have I been selfish more so than I've been stupid?

"Mariku-kun... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you..." I want to tell him why I left like I did, but I can't, not now. "I suppose I thought it would just be easier for everyone if I left without saying anything."

He narrows his eyes at me, and I feel a lump forming in my throat, choking me. "How is that easier, Bakura? Or when you say easier for everyone, do you mean easier for you?" But then his glare suddenly softens, and he takes a step towards me; I back away.

"...I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"But you're right," I admit, trying not to choke as I hold back my tears, "I thought it would be easier for me, at least-but I shouldn't have assumed that it would make it equally easy for everyone else, for you and the others."

He doesn't say anything to that, so rather than press the conversation any further, I resume the unpacking of my belongings. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known that leaving as I did would have some consequences, but I had not expected anything like this... Why? I don't know. Shit, I never should have come back...

But what would that have accomplished? Although it might have prevented me from hearing how my absence has hurt Mariku, it would not have changed the fact of what I did, nor its effects. Selfish, that's what I'm being-stupidly selfish. No matter what I think, it always leads back to my selfishness. My leaving in the first place was selfish, as I had tried to save myself from heartbreak; my returning to seek what I'd been too scared to face before, holding some futile hope that Mariku might feel the same way. Is there any escape from these tormenting thoughts? Or, by seeking escape, is that just further proof of my selfishness? I don't know, and my head is starting to hurt from this train of thought.

"Is it really so easy to take the easy path?" he asks me as he lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I think for a moment to search for an answer. "No... but it's less difficult than facing a more painstaking path that you are afraid to take."

"What is it that you're afraid of, Bakura-kun?" Mariku rolls over to look directly at me. "What were you running away from when you left?"

How can I answer that-how, after avoiding it for so long?

Yet.... doesn't he deserve an answer? Doesn't he deserve to know why I caused him pain, despite it being unintentional?

Don't I deserve some peace of mind?

No-no, I don't. But he does.

"I was running from you, Mariku."

He sits up and stares at me; I cannot read the expression on his face. "What? But why?"

"I can't say... not yet. I'm not ready. I'm sorry...."

"I see." His stare softens, and my heart hurts as I see a sadness in his eyes. "I don't know why you would be afraid to tell me something, or why you would run away like you did, but I trust you, despite that. Whenever you're ready to tell me whatever it is that you are hiding from me... you know I'll listen, Bakura-kun." He then leans over to where I am sitting on the floor beside my suitcase; my eyes widen as he kisses me lightly on the cheek and whispers Salaam (2) into my ear, and before I can say anything, he leaves my room. Moments later I hear the apartment door open and close, but I don't move; I can't.

Slowly, I raise my hand to my cheek. It's warm, startlingly warm...whether from the kiss or from blushing out of shock or embarrassment-perhaps both-I cannot tell.

I cannot help but think I have come too close to Paradise before completing my purgatory state.

Yet, what if the fire of Paradise is meant to be the purging flame?

I don't know. This is all so confusing....




Notes:

(1) This is based on the Catholic belief of Purgatory, mostly from something I remember my Theology teacher mentioning in junior year.

(2) Peace.