FicWad

Sometimes I believe that I am, on a subconscious level, quite masochistic. After all, what other explanation is there for my being here in the first place? If I'd returned to Domino and Mariku weren't here, I would have undoubtedly gone into a fit of depression for the umpteenth time in my life; and if Mariku were here, well... here I am, a confused bundle of emotion, doubt, and who knows what else.

At times I find myself wondering what would have happened if things had transpired differently from how they actually had those many years ago. What if I'd never come to a point where I found myself questioning my sexual orientation ever since having met Mariku? What if I had told him of my confusing yet honest feelings back then? Would he have laughed at me, accepted me, ignored me? Or what if I'd just never met Mariku in the first place?

It is usually by that point that I simply give up such a train of thought. As I am going to do now.

I can't believe I just froze when Mariku did that. I don't understand what's wrong with me... Well, I know what's wrong with me insofar that I am utterly inept when it comes to dealing with romantic feelings, but that's besides the point.

Or maybe it isn't. At least, not entirely.

It was just a part of the customs of his land, that was all. It held no deeper meaning than exactly what it was. And "what it was" is most definitely not an indication of any romantic feelings he might hold for me. Absolutely not. Because that would be absurd. And it would also cause me to have a complete mental breakdown. It shouldn't, not since the entire reason I came back was to find some answer to the questions plaguing my heart-but perhaps that is why it would cause such a reaction from me, because I cannot handle the possibility of such a thing truly happening. I know that it seems self-deprecating to think in this way, but I hardly deserve to receive any reciprocated feelings from Mariku... not after the suffering I've caused him.

"It's not that you did something wrong; I just hadn't expected it, not from you. You were the last person I'd expect to take off the way you did, with hardly a word, let alone no notice beforehand."

But I did do something wrong. As unintentional as it had been, I hurt him... and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. He deserved an explanation, or at the very least some notice... no, he deserved a full explanation. What would just a word of farewell have done? "Well, I'm off to college now, which just happens to be on the opposite side of the country, and you might never hear from me again. Bye!" Somehow, I think that might have been worse than my little disappearing act.

"I just want to know-why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were close, but apparently not close enough for you to care to tell me that I might never see you again. Didn't it occur to you..."

I should have told him, I really should have, but I was too afraid... afraid of what he would have said, what he would have thought, how it would have affected our friendship. If he knew what I'd wanted to say but couldn't put to words, then he would have understood why our closeness made it so difficult for me to tell him. It was because I valued his friendship so much that I was petrified of what might have come of my confession. It seems somewhat stupid now, that I valued our friendship so much that I couldn't bear to put it in jeopardy by bringing my deeper feelings to the table... yet it also makes some sense. After all, isn't it always hard to give up something you already have for a chance at something more?

However, the fact that I didn't do anything might have put our friendship in more danger than my admittance of feelings for him could have. He said that he still trusts me, but to what extent? I hurt him... The one I care for the most, I caused him pain. How can he trust me?

"Bakura-kun, you know that I didn't have many friends in my childhood. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost someone close to me."

But he'd said that. So maybe... maybe this isn't such a desperate situation. Maybe I haven't completely ruined our friendship through my utter stupidity.

"I don't know why you would be afraid to tell me something, or why you would run away like you did, but I trust you, despite that. Whenever you're ready to tell me whatever it is that you are hiding from me... you know I'll listen, Bakura-kun."

He really does still trusts me. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve any kindness from him for what I've done-or failed to do, as the case stands-but he still trusts me. He'll still listen to me.

I don't know if I've ever been so grateful for anything in my life.

Just then, I hear the door open. I assume it's Dorobou, even though he doesn't announce his presence, so I just continue to sort through the suitcases. I already put all of my belongings away in my room and put most of his things away in his, and there's not much left. I suppose that when you're so caught up in thought, simple tasks can be done in a short amount of time.

I am, however, slightly annoyed that he does not at least come and see if he can help in any way, and am fully intent on informing him of this as I head towards the front of the apartment-but when I reach the living room, the thought flees my head. Dorobou and Mariku are sitting on the sofa together and apparently were having a conversation until my entrance interrupted it.

"I caught him as he was leaving," Dorobou explains with a slight smirk. Damn him. "Surely you have better manners than to kick friends out so quickly after visiting, Ryou?" Damn him to hell.

"No, it's all right," Mariku protests, "I'd left of my own accord. Besides, I really ought to be going..."

"Nonsense," Dorobou cuts him off. "We haven't seen you in years-surely you could spare a few hours for old friendships' sake?"

Mariku glances at me from the corner of his eye before looking away quickly. "I suppose... but I should call sister."

Dorobou waves a hand, then nods towards the kitchen area. "Oh, sure, the phone's in there."

Shaking his head, Mariku rises. "No, thanks, I have a cell. I'll be back shortly..." he quietly excuses himself and exits the apartment to make a call to Isis.

As soon as the door closes, I openly glare at Dorobou. "What's the matter with you?!"

He raises an eyebrow at me. God, I hate it when he does that. "What's the matter with me? What's the matter with you is a better question, Ryou. Wasn't he the reason you came back?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"Exactly! And now that you've finally gotten a chance to talk to him, you're just going to let him leave? I bet you haven't told him yet-no, I know you haven't."

I do not even try to hide a scowl. "Of course I'm going to 'let him leave.' What the hell did you expect me to... oh my God, I'm not going to complete that thought, and don't you dare answer it."

His smirk widens into a full grin. "Hey, I'm not the one who thought that. You were."

I am about to tell him to go do something rather rude to himself, but at that moment Mariku opens the door. "Did I interrupt something?" he asks, looking at us strangely and tilting his head slightly. Not that I can blame him for such a question, given the circumstances-and the fact that I look very much like I am about to try and strangle Dorobou, while he just stands there with his arms crossed, grinning.

"Nothing very important," Dorobou answers ever-so helpfully. "What did you need to call Isis about?"

"Oh... sister said before that she needed me to baby-sit again tonight, but apparently she changed her mind. And she kind of told me not to come home." Is he blushing? "I'm not very surprised by that, though... she's probably angry."

"Angry? About what? And since when does she have a kid?" This stream of questioning makes it somewhat apparent that Dorobou has not fully mastered the art of subtlety.

"I think she's angry because of the choice of clothing I picked for the twins when they got the clothes that they had been wearing dirty. It seems she's very picky about that." He laughs nervously. "And I'm not surprised you didn't know, but sister and Rishid got married four years ago. Their children are three years old."

"...Oh," is all either Dorobou or myself can manage to respond.

"You said she told you not to come home?" Dorobou asks, and before Mariku can respond or I can say anything, he continues, "Well, you're more than welcome to stay here tonight. Actually, we insist that you do. Isn't that right, Ryou?"

I strain to put a smile on my face as I silently vow to kill Dorobou quickly later for this. "Of course!"

"In fact, you can stay here for as long as you want."

Change that. I'm going to kill him in a very slow and very painful way.

"Thank you, that's very kind of you, but I don't think it's a very good idea." Mariku protests. "You've only just arrived, and..." he looks at me as he trails off.

And you probably don't want me here, Bakura-kun. Isn't that what you were going to say? He doesn't need to say it; I already know that's what he's thinking.

"No arguments!" Dorobou exclaims with a grin that really does not suit him at all. "You're staying, and that's that."

"Mariku-kun..."

Maybe...

"...you can stay if you want."

Maybe this can work out.

"I'd like it if you would stay."

I'd like to tell him how I feel.

He smiles at me. "I'd like to stay, too."

I hope I can gather the courage tell him...