FicWad

Author's Note: What inspired me to write this Ren and Stimpy fanfiction was after watching my favorite episode Haunted House. Did some research on the episode on that site Ren and Stimpy wikia. I learned that the Haunted House episode was originally going to be a Tiny Toons episode. This is a true fact. Hampton Pig and Plucky Duck were going to be in Ren and Stimpy's roles. It was rejected and given to John. K. Rightfully so.
Then I recalled that Super Mario World episode, "Gopher Bash" and often wondered, what if the script to Gopher Bash had been given to John K? Hated that episode Gopher Bash so much and how Mario acted like an uppity older brother who thought he knew the truth about everything. And Mario acted so faithless, overbearing, and condescending while Luigi acted like a complete crybaby douche! I wanted to jump into the screen and slap Mario senseless then hit him and Luigi with a birth order ray gun! Let's face it, Gopher Bash should've been a Ren and Stimpy episode! So let's find out what it would've been like, shall we?


Ren and Stimpy presents:

A Narwhal Puppy Production:


Alien Caveman Farm


A spaceship that was being driven by Space Commander Ren Hoek and Cadet Stimpy was flying through space and about to make a crash landing. The spaceship was rolling around in circles which made Ren and Stimpy scream in terror. Once it finally landed, a farting sound was heard. Out came Ren and Stimpy who put an American flag on the planet. Ren looked at Stimpy with such animosity in this eyes and slapped him. "You just had to fart een thee gas tank, deedn't you Steempy!?" asked an indignant Ren. "I'm sorry Ren, I can't help that I can't control my bowels!" began Stimpy sorrowfully. "So you use the gas tank as a toileet! Need to go back to diapers perhaps! You really are an eediot! Now look at us! Millions of light years far away from Earth! We don't even know where we are or where we've landeed!" shouted Ren.

Stimpy reached for the transmission radio and Wulbur Cobb was calling them from a toilet. "Cadet Stimpy and Commander Hoek, come in!" said Wilbur Cobb. Ren takes the radio away from Stimpy and talks to Wilbur Cobb. "What ees eet boss?" asked Ren. "According to the coordinates you both are on the planet Stone Age. It's residents are alien cavemen who live by picking berries. Thry need to learn how to farm! You both must teach these caveman the basic elements of farming then you can both go back to Earth. Over and Out." Wilbur Cobb ordered them as the transmission radio began to fade. "At least we know where we are!" said Ren.

Ren and Stimpy began to explore their surroundings. Ren begins to take notes about the way the alien cavemen were living. "These notes I'm takeeng, we study them later, hear me?" asked Ren, "HEY! I'm talking to you! HEAR ME?" Stimpy got scared of the alien cavemen as they were staring at Ren and Stimpy. They witness that Wilbur Cobb was right about the way the alien cavemen were living their lifestyle. That the alien caveman really did live by picking berries. "Look at these poor unfortunate cavemen, Ren! Maybe they do need to learn farming!" said Stimpy with concern. "You teecheeng these caveman how to farm? (laughs) You can't even take a pees by yourself!" said Ren to insult Stimpy.


"Hey, Ren! You don't think these cavemen want to eat us? DO YOU? Maybe they'll tie us to sticks and burn us........" said Stimpy cravenly until Ren slapped him again. "Do you know who you're dealeeng weeth?! These are cavemen are friendly, see?" said Ren. Some caveman stand around and grunt and make flatuance sounds. Some of the cavemen offer them berries. "So let's conceentate on the meesion and teech these dark and lost souls to farm!" said Ren in a faithless tone he puts his hand on Stimpy's shoulder. "Wheech ees why I'm putting you on the job!" said Ren as he thought the idea of teaching berry picking cavemen farming was a stupid idea so he let Stimpy handle the job. "Oh Joy! As Powdered Toast Man would say, Leave everything all to me!" cheered Stimpy. "That's a beeg meestake!" said Ren. Wilbur Cobb calls them again and says, "If Stimpy wants to teach the cavemen to farm let him! You there....hello...." Ren heard the transmission radio but didn't bother to answer. "All right, Caveman come gather around thee!" said Stimpy. Ren just stood there with his arms crossed waiting for Stimpy to make a mistake that screws everything up. "First we learn how to PLOW"! announced Stimpy. Ren mumbled to himself rolling his eyes, "Plow! Yes, go ahead Steempy! PLOW! He can barely plow een bed let alone a farm!"


*





A few yards away, some evil gophers were spying on Ren, Stimpy, and the cavemen. They decided to hatch an evil scheme. The gopher minions whose names were Crash and Digger were talking to their leader whose name was Spencer. Crash, Digger, and Spencer were your typical villains. Spencer was the narcissistic Machiavellian leader, Crash and Digger were the eager to please lackeys. "This is badder than bad!" exclaimed Crash. "This is baddest!" continued Digger. "If those cave people are able to grow their own food, I'll never be able to subjugate them." said Spencer. "Unless your repulsiveness, we stole all those crops!" suggested Crash. "We can start a famine! The cave people will have to come to me for food! It's brilliant! Glad I thought of it!" exclaimed Spencer then he went on, "I'll lead the details in good claws, if those cave people get anything growing, I am counting on your little freaks to plan to have that happen!" "We will not fail, oh mighty great one!" said Digger. Spencer, Digger, and Crash were beginning to move forward with their evil plot.

Stimpy was now teaching the cave people how to use a plow. Ren was watching and observing Stimpy making certain Ren thought Stimpy knew what he was doing mentoring the cavemen about farming. As he watched Stimpy tie a rope around a brontosaurs' neck and Stimpy poked the hole into the dirt with a plowing rod that he was about to put into his anus. Ren looked at Stimpy at what he was doing and made a snide remark, "Steempy has always been obsessed weeth the buttocks!" Afterwards, Stimpy pulled down his spacepants then jammed the plowing rod into his anus. "All you gotta do is jam the stick into your butthole and make a straight line. Go Bronto pal!" explained Stimpy to the cave people. The Brontosaurus walked behind Stimpy who was walking backwards smiling, as the Brontosaurus walking a straight line. "It's a cinch". said Stimpy as he enjoyed the vibrating sensation he was getting from the plowing rod that he jammed into his anus. The plow was working perfectly until the Brontosaurus began to speed up when he saw a ball and decided to run after the ball that sent Stimpy flying. The plowing rod flew out of Stimpy's anus and the Brontosaurus still had the plowing rod moving in the ground. "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH JJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY!!!! REN STOP HIM!" Ren did nothing but stood their and watched Stimpy's accidental circumstance as he was flying around when the Brontosaurus was running to get the ball. The Brontosaurus got his ball and sent Stimpy flying into a tree. "See cave people! I told you he was an eediot!" said Ren. The cave people just stood there in apathy. Stimpy's face was flattened by the incident then he got himself unstuck from the tree. A big gaping hole from where Stimpy landed was made. Stimpy put his hand inside and ate some sap. "Sappy, isn't it!" said Stimpy. Ren asked, "You worm! Any other bright ideas, geenius!" "PLANTING"! squealed Stimpy cheerfully.

The caveman were being lead by Ren and Stimpy to the place where Stimpy used the plow. "You guys know how to plant, right?" asked Stimpy. The caveman just started in mid distance. "It's just putting things on the ground! Good thing I brought along my latest invention!" said Stimpy. "Oh, crap!" facepalmed Ren. Stimpy put his hand down his spacepants and pulled out a machine that looked similar to a grinder. "The planter!" proudly stated Stimpy. Ren rolled his eyes, "We're doomed now!" Stimpy got out a bunch of seeds and put them in the planter. "Allow me to demonstrate!" said Stimpy. The seeds were set into the ground where Stimpy had plowed. Stimpy used a turn dial on The Planter to plant the seeds. "Bah Dah Boodie Poopie Peepee The Fly that married the bumble bee!" sang Stimpy until he ran out of seeds. "Well, whatdoya know! Ran out of seeds!" said Stimpy. Thinking he got some more seeds, he unknowingly grabs Ren and puts him in the Planter. "Here's some more!" said Stimpy. Ren was screaming obscenities in protest! "Let go of me you Lemon Mercheent!"

Stimpy uses the turn dial and still doesn't know he has Ren inside the Planter. Ren was being torn literally apart, "Must save my skin! Must save my brain! Must save my everything!" Stimpy used to turn dial and Ren was being slowly processed out into the dirt where it was plowed. Stimpy unwittingly planted Ren. "This is even better! I just got fertilizer!" Stimpy cooed! One of the cavemen whispered into Stimpy's ear telling him he mistakenly planted Ren. Stimpy jumped into the air with his eyeballs bulging out and his tongue shot straight forward. Stimpy ran to where he planted Ren. He took off his spacehat and began to cry. "Ren! (sniffle) I commited an act of mayhem! I'm so sorry! I thought you were fertilizer! Please let me know if you're okay!" Ren's fist protrudes out of the ground and punches Stimpy square in the nose. "Thanks, I needed that!" sighed Stimpy contentfully. Ren bolts himself from the ground where Stimpy planted him and much to their shock and dismay, as they witness the cavemen were planting each other. Both Ren and Stimpy jumped in mid air and screamed with their eyeballs and tongues shooting out.

Ren said, "Thees farmeeng scheeme of yours was desteened to fail! Look at theem! Look what you createed!" The cavemen were still planting each other. Stimpy responded mournfully, "Maybe this isn't going to be so easy! Unless!....." "Oh boy! Here eet comes!" said Ren. "We teach them to plant with water! There's hope after all!" said an optimistic Stimpy as he put his finger in the air.




*


After seeing the cavemen try to plant each other. Stimpy tells them, "If you want your plants to grow up big and strong, pour some water on it!" The cavemen follow Stimpy's advice and pick up a wishing well from the ground. "WATER WATER WATER WATER WATER!" chanted the cavemen. "NO! NO! NO! NOT THAT WAY! GEET A BUCKEET OF WATER!" shouted Ren and at the cavemen. The cavemen don't listen so they continue to lift the wishing well out of the ground and pour the water all over the area Stimpy had plowed. A massive flood ensues as the water rushes around washing away Ren and Stimpy in the process! Ren and Stimpy were getting swept away by the water rapids caused by the cavemen picking up the wishing well until they both bump into a rock. "So, how's your stupeed leetle farmeeng project comeeng along?" asked Ren callously. Stimpy answered buoyantly with his finger in the air "RESPLUNTANT! AND REFRESHING!" Stimpy then urinated in his spacepants and made a diarrhea-like sound. Ren handed Stimpy a broom and screamed, "CLEAN UP THEES MESS!" "Yyyyyeeesssss......sssssiiiiiiirrrrrr"! simpered Stimpy.

A whimsical voiceover is heard that says, "137 Years Later!"

Overtime, The Alien Cavemen have adapted to Stimpy's way of farming. The whole planet was now a vast farm field land. All sorts of vegetables were growing. Carrots, Celery, Potatoes, Cabbage, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Peppers, Rhubarb, Mushrooms, and Onions. Even Ren was impressed. "Welp, I have to hand eet to you, Steempseen! These cavemen have really modeefied to your teacheeng theem how to farm!" said Ren. "Oh, it was nothing! You have a way with words, Ren!" said Stimpy bashfully. "Peeople have always said you were good at groweeng! Even eef eets not sometheeng in your pants!" said Ren. "That's why you always tell me I'm the dumb fat one, oh father figure of mine!" said Stimpy as he hugged Ren tightly until Ren's eyes popped out. "Thees meesion turned out better than I expecteed!" said Ren. "Remind me to have Space Command increase your salary!" said Ren. Stimpy gets a celery stick and licks it and says, "Why not increase my celery!" said Stimpy laughing hysterically as Ren punched him in the face again. Ren's and Stimpy's proud moment came to a grinding halt as one by one the vegetables begin to disappear from the farm fields.


Ren began to suspect that Stimpy was behind the disappearance of the crops he grew. "Wait a meeneet! I know why these crops are deesapeareeing!" said Ren suspiciously. "Who could've possibly done such a cruel and heinous act?" asked Stimpy all concerned. Ren grabbed Stimpy by the collar of his spaceshirt and said, "YOU! YOU'RE THE CULPRIT! YOU DEED THEES! You deedn't care about theese caveman!" began Ren. "Now don't kill me Ren! I has nothin' to do with this grand theft auto...." Stimpy pleaded innocently. "You grew theese veggies for yourself! So you can eet theem like a peeg!" said an angered Ren. As Ren was cross examining Stimpy, more and more vegetables were disappearing. Ren and Stimpy both saw what was going on, and Ren was finally convinced it wasn't Stimpy. Crash the evil gopher from earlier came up from the farm field and said, "Come and get me, dope-a-zoids! If you dare!" The cavemen just stared and grunted as Ren and Stimpy ran after the gopher Crash. Before they could catch Crash, a bunch of killer alien looking weed plants came up from the ground of the farm field ground in place of the vegatables. "Ren! I've heard of weed killer! But killer weeds!" said Stimpy. "RUN!" Ordered Ren! "Theese way!" "Now that-a way!" Where ever Ren and Stimpy seemed to run, the killer weeds kept blocking their path. Ren! Please run of of ways!" begged Stimpy. "The onlee way we could run to now ees eento trouble!" said Ren fearfully!

Underground, Crash Digger, and Spencer were moving the killer weeds like marionette puppets to chase after Ren and Stimpy who were screaming on top of their lungs frantically that their lungs jumped out of their mouths. Crash, Digger, and Spencer had all the crops in a bag. As luck would have it, the Brontosaurus that Stimpy used for the plow came and ate all the killer weeds. Much to Ren's and Stimpy's relief. The Brontosaurus continued to eat the killer weeds. "Get 'em Tiger! Smorgasbord!" cheered Stimpy to the Brontosaurus. "Heet theem from the left! Heet theem from the right! Left hook! Body blow!" clamoured Ren. Crash, Digger, and Spencer couldn't believe what what going on. "What is happening up there?" asked Digger. "All of our killer weeds are being eaten up there! Investigate this at once!" barked Spencer. "We will!" said Crash. The Brontosaurus was eating the last of the killer weeds. Crash and Digger didn't know what to do. Spencer yelled, "Don't just help them! Stand there!" Crash and Digger were grabbing the last of the killer weed and was now playing a game of tug of war with the Brontosaurus over the killer weed. Spencer screamed as saliva was sprouting from his mouth, "You are the two most incompetent cronies I have ever hired!" The tug of war struggle continued with Crash, Digger, and the Brontosaurus. Until the Brontosaurus pulled Crash, Digger, and Spencer up from under the ground.

Once Ren and Stimpy saw the evil gophers, Ren confronted them. "Evil alien gophers, eh?" began Ren as he was shaking his fist in the air. "You plant peelfereeng peenheads! So you were the culpreets all along! Sorry I suspecteed you, Steempy!" "It's all right." said Stimpy forgivingly. "Just get our crops back big hero!" said Stimpy again ringing his hands. "Nope! You're helping to geet theese crops back! You're not going to seet around while I do everytheeng!" ordered Ren. "Okay, I help!" gave in Stimpy. Crash yells, "Listen to me you feline and canine crossbreed mutt hounds!" Digger then finished Crash's sentence, "You'll never see your precious crops again." "See we all work together and we're so loyal that we finish each other's sentences!" laughed Spencer evilly. "Not eef we have anytheeng to say about it, Parasites!" said Ren and he and Stimpy both chased Crash, Digger, and Spencer they were preparing to make their getaway. "The only way your cavemen are going to eat is by shopping at the Gopher Mart!" said Digger. "We have discount prices there that can help you save money!" said Crash. "See you in layaway chumpos!" said Spencer. Digger, Crash, and Spencer jumped into the hole that was made by Crash and Digger when they were playing tug of war with the Brontosaurus over the killer week. The Brontosaurus comes up to Ren and Stimpy and says in a deep voice, "I'm telling you guys. Good luck." Ren and Stimpy then fall into the hole. "You filthy swines! I WILL KILL YOU" screamed Ren as they yelled arter Crash Digger and Spencer.

Crash, Spencer, and Digger made their getaway by going into a pipe that looked like a cave. Stimpy wondered, "Hey, which way did they go?" Ren lead Stimpy to the same pipe that was big enough to be a cave where Crash, Spencer and Digger made their escape. "Perhaps they went that-a-way!" said Ren. Stimpy rolled up his sleeve and revealed a vein popping muscle and shouted, "NOW! IT'S TIME FOR A GOPHER BEATING!" Ren put his hand on Stimpy's shoulder. "Take eet eesy there, pal of mine! The cavemen could just go back to peeking berrees! Like I told you before thees all happeneed!" assured Ren. Stimpy was now growing distraught by all the events that surrounded they've persevered. "Awwww, no they can't. Oh, Ren. I was so sure that we'd have a wonderful crop. I thought the cavemen didn't have to pick berries anymore. And they didn't......now they don't have any food stored for the winter....." said Stimpy how was now histrionic and began to cry uncontrollable. "And it's all my fault! WAAAAHHHHH! HAAAAHHHH!! HAAAAAHHH!!! HAAAAAAHHHHHH! WWWAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! WWWWWWAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Stimpy was crying his eyes out until his eyeballs were spurting from his sockets that it looked like gushing geysers. Stimpy then was gagging until he vomited. Stimpy continued to cry loudly and eyes spurted out of his sockets again, then choked up once more until he vomited. Ren then decided that he's had enough, so he slaps Stimpy silly. "Of course eets all your fault! You beeg!" yelled Ren as he slapped Stimpy, "Fat....." Ren slaps Stimpy again, "bloateed.....eediot!" yelled Ren then stopped he slapping Stimpy and calmed down stopped with his hysterics.

"Pull yourself together you seek leetle money!" ordered Ren. "You want those crops back or not?" "I guess". said Stimpy who was dull and listless after Ren slapped him. "That's exactly what we eentend to do! We need to geet those crops back! Besides, no creepy Gopher is going to mess weeth my eediot sidekick, right?" vowed Ren as he stood in a heroic pose. "Oh Ren! You are so brave and true blue!" said Stimpy as he stood up. "Wreest een the meedle! All for one and one for all!" saluted Ren. Stimpy put his wrist in the middle and Ren did too. "I am honored to be your idiot sidekick!" said Stimpy as he emphansized the H. Ren looked at the screen in confusion. Then Ren and Stimpy go into the pipe that looked like a cave and began to fall that looked like they were falling from the sky!



*


An announcer voiceover is heard and begins to ponder the fate of Ren and Stimpy as they continue to fall from what looks like the sky. The announcer boasts, "How will our heroes get out of this one? Will they get back the crops stolen from the cavemen from those conniving gophers? Is this is end of Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy? Will this end happily or will it end........" Ren shouted at the voiceover, "SHUT UP!" The place where Ren and Stimpy were falling had skeletons, Mr. Horse, toilets, brians, buttocks, hairballs, salve, Powdered Toast, Dog Water, and Logs

"Ren!" said Stimpy. "What ees eet man?" answered Ren. "Where are we falling into?" asked Stimpy again. "Maybe we're een another dimenseen!" said Ren. "What do you suggest we do oh great Commander in Chief?" asked Stimpy. "PANEEK!" screamed Ren. As they were falling into oblivion, Ren and Stimpy were screaming again in extreme intense agony. As they continued to fall Stimpy asked, "What are we falling to?" Ren responded with angst, "Stop askeeng me these questeeons you stupeed neencompoop! I DON'T KNOW!! Ren and Stimpy's falling plight finally ended when they both landed on a trampoline and bounced off and launched into the air until they landed on a platform that had a door. "Let's see what's een thees door." said Ren.

Much to their surprise, the door lead to a board room that had Crash, Digger, and Spencer in it. It looked as though they were having a business meeting. Spencer was in the front of the room with an oversized notepad, that had colored squares ranging from big to small. Spencer pointed to the notepad with a swagger stick. Ren and Stimpy secretly spy on the gophers. "Since we've stolen those crops from those cavemen, our profits and benefits have gone up sky high!" announced Spencer. Crash and Digger cheered really loud. "This calls for a celebration!" said Crash. "Gopher Mart, here we come!" said Digger. "Lets dance like the Irish!" said Spencer. Ren and Stimpy decide to make their move. "Steempleton! Seense thees was your idea, you take them down!" said Ren. "Oh rapture! I know just the thing!" said Stimpy as he reached into his spacepants and took out some wooden mallets and a record player that had a vinyl record on it that played the Happy Happy Joy Joy song.

Crash, Digger, and Spencer were cheering until they hear this: "Hello Boys and Girls. This is your old pal Stinky Weesleteets! This is a song about a whale...... no this a song about being happy! It's a Happy Happy Joy Joy song!" The Happy Happy Joy Joy song began to play. As Ren and Stimpy ran into the board room in slow motion, Crash Digger, and Spencer screamed in fear, "CRASH! DIGGER! STOP THEM AT ONCE!" Ren and Stimpy knocked out Crash, Digger, and Spencer with hammers repetiticiously, moving to the beat of the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. "HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!" the song continued to play. "Make them stop make them stop!" cried Crash. "I HATE THAT SONG!" screamed Spencer. Ren snuck over and took the bag of crops the Gophers stolen from the cavemen. "I don't feel so good....." moaned Digger. Crash, Digger, and Spencer have been defeated. Stimpy still was dancing to the Happy Happy Joy Joy song, until Ren yelled, "STEEMPY! COME ON! LET'S GO! BEFORE THEY REGAIN CONSCEEOUSNEES!" Stimpy didn't listen. "DEEDN'T YOU LEESTEN TO ME?" yelled Ren who then yanked Stimpy out of the board room who was still dancing to the beat of the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. Crash, Digger, and Spencer who were almost comatose said, "We.....will......get....that.....dog and cat......" strained Spencer. Crash and Digger said, "They....won't.....know....what......hit.....them....."

Meanwhile, Ren and Stimpy went back to the farm field Stimpy created. Ren had the bag of the crops. "We saved thee crops, cavemen!" said Ren as he let the vegetables out of the bag. The cavemen were all happy that he started to hug and kiss the vegatables they grew that the cavemen all started to act like Stimpy. "After all that hard work, they start acteeng like you!" said Ren. "They had a great teacher, Ren! I was a great influence! Maybe I'm not so stupid after all!" said Stimpy triumphantly. Wilbur Cobb calls them from their transmission radio. "Well done, Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy! You brought farming to these cavemen! You both did your job well. You guys can go home now!" said Wilbur Cobb. Stimpy began to cry, "I've bonded with these cavemen. Do we really have to leave?" "Guess we have to. But, don't worry, pal. We can see theem some other time." assured Ren. Stimpy sobbed hysterically and asked, "What do we do until then?" Just as Ren thought he never had to see the cavemen again, Wilbur Cobb calls them again from the transmission radio. "You guys can stay...." said Wilbur Cobb. "WHAAA!!!!" said an astounded Ren. "You guys need to teach them one more thing....." said Wilbur Cobb. "Hear that, Ren! We're staying! OH JOY!" cheered Stimpy. "What do we have to teech theese cavemen now?" asked Ren.

Ren and Stimpy were now teaching the cavemen how to play baseball with sticks and melons. "Botteem of the Seventh, two outs...." said Ren as he was the pitcher throwing the melon. Stimpy was up at bat, and hit the melon. "YAY! That was a hole in one!" said Stimpy. The cavemen were cheering, and Ren said, "You mean a home run, you......ehhh whatever." The baseball game continued on as so. Stimpy couldn't be more happier to stay with the cavemen. Ren was still yearning to go back to earth but eventually accepted his fate. Ren and Stimpy both came up to the screen in between the game and said, "I love living with these cavemen! We have a happy home here!" said Stimpy. "I guess". said Ren dejectedly.



The End



The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production