FicWad

The Winter Soldier & The Constant - The Diner


You are frantic but try not to show it as you hurry along the streets. You are hoping to spot him any time now. He was supposed to be at the rendezvous twenty minutes ago but there has been no sign of him. So knowing the route he was to take, you follow it hoping to see him.

Crowds of people block your view but you know that it would take only one glimpse for you to see him. You stop, unsure as to why. You look around and although you cannot see him something jars you.

You slowly do an about turn, knowing that you have missed something and then you see it, hidden away in your subconscious. Over the road is a building made up to look like a railway car diner from the 1940's. You know the Winter Soldier's origins and you saw a similar diner in the newsreel footage of Brooklyn all that time ago. They had interviewed the staff, whom had spoken about both boys coming in usually after art college.

You cross the road. Whilst doing so you think you see him inside and your heart misses a beat: he is all right, he is safe. As you get closer you can see that it is him; he looks like anyone else sat there eating, leather jacket, long hair, and gloved hands. Always gloved in public. Hydra doesn't want anyone to remember the metal.

You take a deep breath and enter.

The smell of frying onions and coffee hits you and you are aware of how hungry you are but it just makes you feel queasy after the scare you have just had.

A waitress is walking over to you but you indicate you are with the gentleman at the back. She seems relieved and you feel if she could, she would tell you rather you than me, honey.

The Winter Soldier has that affect on people.

As you approach the booth he looks up and reaches under the table; but when he sees it is you his whole body relaxes.

You look into his eyes. There is nothing there. You sit down opposite him.

And that is when it dawns on you he has been eating. The dregs of a coffee sit next to an empty plate.

The waitress comes up and before you can say anything he indicates he wants another coffee.

“Same for her,” he says and the waitress looks at you. You just nod and try to smile.

You are aware of the time. You are now forty-five minutes late and you have not answered the trilling of the phone in your pocket. You both carry locator devices: if you don’t start back soon there is going to be trouble, and the last thing you want is them coming for you both. If they think the Winter Soldier has engineered this himself there will be serious consequences. You can already hear them in your mind giving the order to wipe him.

Where do you start? How do you handle him?

He has sat back against the booth and is looking at you and you have no idea of what is running through that mind of his.

The waitress brings your coffee and you thank her. She tears off the bill and tries to hand it to the Winter Soldier, but he makes no effort to take it so you reach out and again thank her. She leaves, and you are sure she believes you are crazy for being with this man. If only she knew.

You look at the bill and try not to show your surprise. He had ordered a hot dog. You look up at him but there is no help there.

You clear your throat. “So did you enjoy your meal?”

He doesn’t say anything; just nods his head once.

“Good, good...” the conversation trails off and you pick up your cup, aware of your hand trembling. He leans over and puts his own over yours as if to stop it. He takes his hand away and you find yours is steady.

You take a sip and put the cup back down. “Do you want to talk?” You look at him.

He doesn’t reply. You look around. There are a few people eating, a family arguing over putting on the jukebox and what to play.

Then you look at your watch and lean forward so only he can hear you. “We have to go.”

He says nothing just watches you, cold eyes assessing.

You are getting worried. You do not want him to be hurt and you certainly don’t want the people in here to be hurt either. “We are late and we're going to be very late by the time we get back to the car. If they come looking for us a lot of people are going to get hurt...I...” And you emphasise the I, “...don’t want that to happen.”

But he still just sits there and you look down at the table. He watches you make a decision.

You stand up and pull money from your pocket. “I don’t know how you thought you were going to pay, you don’t carry any cash.” You are getting annoyed. It is rare for you to get like this and when you look at him he smiles. He actually smiles, just for a few seconds, then he stands up. As he moves past you he leans in close.

“Thats what you're here for, isn't it?” He doesn’t break his stride. Did he just make a joke? Or was he serious?

You hurry over to the till and give the woman enough to cover the meal and a tip. The waitress smiles at you.

“Good luck with that one honey,” she says and winks. She smiles but it is a sad smile. You nod as if everything is okay.

By now he is on the street and you have to run to catch him up.

You are on borrowed time and at the rate he is going you are going to have to run all the way just to keep up.

*

He is on the way back to meet up at the exit point when he catches sight of what looks like a railway carriage parked on the pavement. A wave of familiarity washes over him. He has been getting these feelings a lot lately and they make him nauseous. He is sure he has seen this place before – or if not this place something similar.

He crosses the road. It is some sort of dining place and out of the corner of his eye he sees himself and a young skinny blond boy enter it. He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts. He needs to get back to the car, back to the base to give his mission report. If he doesn’t they will be angry with him but even though this is going through his mind his hand is reaching out to open the door.

The smell of the place hits him, so familiar. Coffee and something else, something that reminds him of those...what were they called...hot dogs that Freya had given him that time they broke down but in some ways the memory is older than that.

A woman comes up to him but looking at him now she is unsettled. He can see it in her eyes.

“Why don't you take a seat, honey.” She points to a table by the door but he ignores her and heads for a booth in the back, sliding into it so he has his back against the far wall and he can watch the entrance.

The waitress follows him over, a coffee pot in one hand and an empty cup in the other.

He isn't sure what to do but she does not know that. Food and drink have always been brought to him before; he never chooses what he eats and drinks.

“Coffee?” she indicates the pot and cup and he nods. She fills the cup and puts it in front of him. “Cream or milk?”

He doesn’t reply.

When he had first entered she had been impressed: nice leather jacket, 'gorgeous to die for' looks but when she saw his eyes she rapidly changed her mind. This one is dangerous, to be avoided. There is something about him that worries her.

She moves away to get a menu and when she comes back she puts the milk next to him and then hands him the menu. He doesn’t take it, just shakes his head.

“Sorry Hon, you have to eat to stay. Can't do drinks only, not at this time of the day.”

She would be quite glad if he got up and left but he doesn’t make any move to go. Just as she thinks she is going to have to call Tom from out the back he picks up the menu and although the array of food panics him but she would never know. Then he spots the hot dogs. He says the words. They sound strange; he rarely talks and to say those words which sound so funny strikes him as odd but she is obviously happy with his choice and moves away.

When she comes back he is still trying to grasp the memory that had struck him outside. He is sure he has seen the young slim boy in his mind before; every so often he flits through the Winter Soldier's thoughts and he never knows who he is or where he comes from.

He makes up his mind to ask his Constant as he knows she doesn’t report any of the conversations they have. She is the only safe line he has. He says her name quietly to himself and wonders how he knows about her. How does he know he can trust her with his life?

The waitress sets down the hot dog and he can smell it, his mouth waters.

”Enjoy,” she says drily and then moves off again. A young family have just come in and she is more likely to get a tip out of them than she is him. It also gives her an excuse to get away from him.

As he sits there eating he is totally focused on everyone else in the diner. Is this what its like to have a life?

Then the door opens, he reaches under the table for his gun and his heart stops. It's the woman, his Constant, Freya, and he sees the utter panic in her face. He seems to know everything about her face, he has studied it a million times, touched her long hair, seen her cry, heard her in pain but rarely seen her smile or laugh. And the pain always seems to be his causing.

She sees him and a change comes over her, she does smile and her relief is obvious. He has finished the food and wants to tell her about finding this place and ask her about the blond haired boy but he knows he can't - not yet.

The waitress murmurs something to her and Freya points towards him. He can tell the waitress isn't very happy about Freya’s choice in men.

She hesitates slightly and then sits down opposite him. She doesn’t know what to say to him and he waits, studying her, the way she moves, the way she carefully chooses her words.

The waitress approaches them and he is annoyed; he doesn’t want anyone with them, but he knows he is in the wrong and doesn’t want to make a bad situation worse. He indicates for more coffee and tells her to pour one for Freya as well. He can tell Freya has seen what it is he ate and in her eyes is this glimmer of hope which he finds endearing. She is remembering their time before from the car park. A moment's hesitation comes over him. Should he be remembering? He is not supposed to carry memories with him, only what is relevant to the missions.

She has spoken to him. He stops for a moment and then realises what she has said and nods in reply.

She picks up her cup but her hand is trembling so hard he is worried she will burn herself so he covers her hand with his. Even through the leather of the glove he can feel the warmth of her skin and he would do anything to be able to kiss, it, rub his thumb over her palm and tell her everything will be all right. He lets go, her hand is steady and just before she takes a sip she smiles at him. It is rare, his heart jumps a beat.

“Do you want to talk?” she asks quietly and he knows if he said yes she would stay there and listen to everything that would pour out of him, all the pain, the hurt, the feeling of doing wrong, the blond haired boy, the feeling of being somewhere similar before and the growing dread of going back to his masters.

But he can see now is not the time to ask Freya who the blond haired boy is. Maybe later, and then maybe that will put him to rest and he can stop haunting the Winter Soldier.

He is listening to what she is saying, they need to get back, she is right. She stands up and he is surprised, she rarely takes the initiative. She seems to be pretending to be a little annoyed and he smiles inside to himself. She asks him how he thought he was going to pay and for a minute he wonders that himself. It wasn't something that had occurred to him but as he walks past her he says quietly.

“Thats what you're here for, isn't it?” Because deep down he knew he wouldn't have to pay as she would always be there. She would always find him no matter where he found himself.

He has cracked his first joke in decades and it feels good to see her face, surprised and a little amused.

Then he is back out on the street and his training takes over. Back to work. He realises that she will take the blame for his little misdemeanour and he needs to get them back on track as quickly as possible.

He sets a fast pace with her following.

*

Before driving away, you put a call through to Felix and explain that there is a delay on the freeway; a car has broken down and blocked one of the lanes – you are not lying exactly because it is true, there is a broken down car. It's just not causing a delay.

Felix though seems distracted and tells you to get back as soon as possible and that whilst the Winter Soldier is in mission report, you are to report to Alex Pierce's office.

You hang up, worried. The Winter Soldier looks at you.

“Tell them it was me if they question it,” he says, and you smile at him.

“If I tell them that they will put an even tighter leash on you. I think, really...” you look at him seriously, “...we need to keep this to ourselves. Okay?” But he just looks at you. “Okay?” you are firmer this time and he nods. “Besides which, I get the feeling this is about something totally different.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you think it's something else?”

“Woman's intuition.”

As a reply to yours, he grunts, leaving you in no doubt about what he thinks to that.

When you finally get back to base the Winter Soldier is taken for mission debrief and you make your way to Pierce's office, letting out a sigh of relief when you see it is Maggie waiting for you.

She takes you into Pierce's office.

“Alex is on the base but is overseeing mission report. I wanted to...I wanted to be the one to tell you this,” she says as you both sit down and your stomach falls.

She tries to smile.

“It's nothing for you to worry about, I promise.” But you have known Maggie long enough to know when she is lying – well, no, not lying - just not telling you everything.

There is coffee between you on the table and she pours you both a cup. You are grateful for it; the day has seemed to last forever and the shock you had when you thought you had lost the Winter Soldier is still with you. What would have happened if you hadn't found him?

“Freya?” Maggie says, and you look up and realise you have zoned out.

“Sorry, just a long day thats all. Go on,” and you focus on her.

“There is no easy way to tell you and I don't know how upset you will be...but Jackson Caldwell died last night, and...well I know you worked with him for a long time.” She takes a sip of her coffee, watching you carefully.

You feel as if you have been punched in the gut. “Jackson? How?” For some crazy reason you think of the mission the Winter Soldier has just been on. Maggie reads your mind.

“It was natural causes. It was his time, Freya. He was seventy-eight you know, that is a good age for anyone.” And she passes you a tissue. Your eyes have welled up.

Why are you crying for a man who controlled an organisation which brings destruction to so many people? Who wanted power over love? And then you realise. You are not crying for him. You are crying for yourself. It is another person in your life you have lost, and as bad as he was he always championed both you and the Winter Soldier.

“What does that mean?” you ask, clearing your throat, and Maggie frowns slightly as if to say she does not understand your question.

“To me and Ja...the Winter Soldier. How will it affect us?”

Maggie is quiet for a moment and looks down at the cup she is holding. She seems to make up her mind about something. She puts the cup down and crosses her arms leaning in slightly closer to you.

“We are safe to talk in here, but nowhere else. You understand that don't you?” You nod, leaning in as well.

“Alex is not fond of you. Not because it's you, but because he doesn't see why you are needed. He doesn't want to admit there is a flaw in the Winter Soldier, that he is human and has needs like all human beings. Jackson was the one at first who insisted you are kept on the project. I know Alex has his own plans and he is to succeed Jackson. I know that you are included in those plans but...” here she pauses and you can see she is trying to find the right way of wording what she is going to say. “Freya...you really need to just step very carefully. When we first met I told you that if he says jump you ask how high...” And you nod. “Well, that still applies. Don't cause any waves, don't make any noise, just stay in the background and he will forget you are here.” She takes your hand.

You nod again, tears threatening, but you don't want to cry - you want to whimper because you are frightened and you cannot help it. You are only human too.

“You're not alone. I'll be here. I will do what I can, all right?” She kisses your bangs and then looks at you and you can see tears in her eyes as well. “Just keep a low profile and we will get through this.”

You nod again. God. I hope he doesn't find out about today is all you can think.

*

The Winter Soldier need not have worried. When they get back to the car Freya telephones Felix and tells him they have had problems with the traffic; she even makes up an elaborate story about a broken down car blocking the freeway but Felix is distracted and tells them to get back as quickly as possible.

He goes through mission report but does not mention the diner. He has found that if he doesn't mention things in report then they stay in his mind longer. He is not sure what to do with that knowledge and his rebellious side puts the memory away safe and sound.

When he returns to their quarters, Freya tells him about Jackson Caldwell. The Winter Soldier can see the news has upset Freya but he is not completely sure why. But he remembers Jackson Caldwell and for the first time realises that there are people he has known who have grown old by his side. Grown old and died.

He also wonders at himself. How he can feel nothing? Should he actually be feeling something?

Whilst he watches Freya put a meal together for them he tries to think of all the people he has known and he again remembers the young blond haired man. Should he ask her if she knows who the man is? Is he someone who at some time fought by his side but has since grown old and died...? When he thinks this, a great sadness comes over him and he finds it difficult to breathe.

“Are you all right?” Freya asks, sensing something is wrong, and he tries to smile but it is more a grimace. “Tell me,” she says sitting down next to him.

“Are there many people who have died during our time together?”

She tries to smile. “More than I can remember.”

“How long? How long have you and I been...” And he looks around. “Here?” But Freya knows he doesn't just mean this base. She is holding a cloth which she begins to fold and he can see she is trying to figure out what to say. What to tell him.

“In all honestly I gave up counting the years a long time ago but...I think we have been here long enough that no-one we knew at the beginning is still with us.”

“How long do you think we will be in this...life?” he asks and she sees him rubbing his temples and knows his head is beginning to hurt. He is thinking too much, beginning to question things, to rebel.

“I don't know. I truly and honestly don't know,” she answers, and stands up - but before she goes back to what she is doing she kisses his forehead.

“But you won't be alone, I'll always be here with you. If of course that helps at all.” She laughs gently to make it into a joke but he knows how serious she is, and the fact she said it does help.

“Come on. We had better eat before it gets cold.” She turns back to put their dinner out and he knows she is distracting him and he is glad.

He doesn't want to think any more.

*

Jackson Caldwell walks the path some people find themselves on. To one side Hell, to the other just a mass of darkness and for the first time ever he feels fear. He sees shades of other people but there is no one to talk to. No-one stops to help him. There is just the path.

The air around him is cold but silent.

He realises now there is no end game. Hydra was wrong. He was wrong. And there is nothing that he can do now to put that right.

He will be on this path for a very long time as there is no one to pray for him - no-one to offer redemption because that is something he does not deserve, and he is beginning to comprehend that.

And deep down, he knows that one way or another, when he finally leaves this cursed path all that will be waiting for him is Hell. He knows now it is exactly what he deserves.

----------------------------
Authors note - I would just like to say thank you to all of you who are following The Constant, it is much appreciated.
I promise we are slowly edging our way forward in time and therefore towards a certain tall, blond (well I always think of him as blond) strong, Marvel super hero.