Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy
Beach Blanket Griffin
0 reviewsJoe Invites Peter to go investigate crime caused by an evil cult in Atlantic City. Cleveland and Quagmire are also along for the ride.
0Unrated
Family Guy Presents:
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Beach Blanket Griffin
On a Monday afternoon, Peter came home from working at the Brewery and he was now sitting with Lois watching television. An announcer on the TV said, "We now return to MTV's Broke Ass Game Show!" The Television showed a bunch of twenty something men sitting around and screaming in tremendous pain and dragging their bloodied buttockses on the ground. "We got our asses broken by machines!" the men screamed. "What the beep kind of game show is this?" one of the men asked yelling at the screen. Lois commanded Peter to turn it off. "Turn that off, Peter." "Your bitch is my command." snapped Peter. "And I thought MTV's Jackass was bad." said Lois. The doorbell rang. "Go get that, Peter." said Lois. "Just got back from work, and I want to be comfy." cried Peter. "No excuses, you're supposed to be the man of the house! Get the door!" barked Lois. "Don't wanna!" cried Peter again. "Peter, just because you came back from work, doesn't mean you're excused from doing work around here!" said Lois.
"Besides, who's gonna make me? You answer it! You're closer!" ordered Peter pointing at her. "I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO BY YOU, PETER!" shouted Lois as she then grabbed Peter by the hand and threw Peter across the room toward the door. "WOAH!" hollered a shocked Peter as he was being thrown. "HA! Still got it in me!" Lois said proudly. Peter mumbled "shitty piss ass bitch! Answer the door." Then answered the door and it was Joe. "Hey, Joe. What brings you here?" asked Peter. "Remeber when you helped me solve all those crimes a few weeks ago? asked Joe. "Think I do." said Peter. "The Police Department put me on a case in Atlantic City New Jersey. They want me to take down a Satanic Cult." explained Joe. "I like where this is going." said Peter being very pleased. "They want me to take you there and help me. Are you willing to do it? asked Joe. "You're asking ME to go solve some more crimes for you! Freakin' Awesome! I'm in!" said Peter.
Cleveland and Quagmire come to Peter's door wanting in on the action. "Not so fast!" said Quagmire. "You guys aren't going nowhere without bringing us." demanded Cleveland. "Sorry guys I would invite you.....but they want me only to bring one friend." said Joe. "Awww, come on! We always have fun together!" said Cleveland. "If you bring us along, we can be Four Guys Having An Adventure again!" said Quagmire. "Nope sorry, just Peter is coming with me. Can't go against the rules of the Police Department handbook!" said Joe. Cleveland murmurred but nobody heard him, "I know what he can do with that handbook!" "I need to go to Atlantic City, Joe! Especially this time of year! Don't you know how many chicks in bikinis I can get laid with?" begged Quagmire.
"Peter let's go. Maybe next time, guys. I promise!" said Joe as he and Peter went into Joe's police car and drove off. Cleveland and Quagmire felt like they've been left behind and let down that they can't join Peter and Joe like they always do. "Dammit! Son of a bitch! We gotta find a way to get to Atlantic City and join Joe and Peter." said Cleveland. "I know! Haven't felt this let down since I saw Scooby Doo Goes To Cleveland!" said Quagmire.
Cutaway Scene:
Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and Fred were walking down the streets of Cleveland Ohio. "ZOINKS! This place is spooky even in daytime!" said Shaggy as him and Scooby were eating dead fish from the lake. Scooby sees a masked ghost and says, "THESE FISHES ARE DELICIOUS, RAGGY!" said Scooby, "Rut Ro!" The masked ghost had Daphne stuck in a basketball hoop. "Freeze right there, ghost"! said Fred. "Jinkies you're not a masked ghost! You're....." said Velma as she unmasked the ghost underneath was LeBron James. "LEBRON JAMES?" yelled Velma, Fred, and Shaggy, and Scooby. "Yeah, that's right! The economical structure of this city of based on me! Deal with it." said Lebron James as he shot a gun at an oncoming police car. Shaggy, Velma, Scobby, and Fred all stared in shock. Daphne says, "Isn't anyone going to get me down? HELLO!!"
*
While Peter went with Joe to Atlantic City, Lois was cleaning the house. Lois was singing the Four Non Blonds Whats Up. Stewie was on top of the staircase armed with a mini cannon. Lois continued to sing and it aggravated Stewie. "I'm going to put an end to her insufferable screeching of a one hit wonder 90's song!" vowed Stewie. "I wake up in the morning and I step outside And I take a deep breath and a get real high......" sang Lois. Stewie gets a months old stale blueberry muffin and puts it inside his cannon and gets ready to fire it at Lois. "In no time at all, Lois will be singing like Alvin and The Chipmunks"! said Stewie.
"And I said, Hey Yeah Yeah Yeah! Hey Yeah Yeah! I said Hey! What's Going on"! sang Lois. "FIRE!" yelled Stewie when he shot the cannon and the blueberry muffin sped out like a hot knife though butter. "And I try! Oh My God! Do I......" Lois sang until the muffin hit her on the head knocking her out. Lois fell to the floor and was comatose. Stewie assumed the muffin landed in her mouth. "Yes! I did it! Victory is mine!" cheered Stewie. Brian came to see what Stewie was up to. "What are you clamoring on about?" asked Brian. "Lois was singing and it annoyed the shit out of me! So I gave her the business!" Stewie said proudly. "What do you mean?" asked Brian. "I shot a muffin in her mouth!" said Stewie. "Come see!" Brian and Stewie walk up Lois who was out cold. Stewie then sees his plan went awry when Brian and Stewie discover that the muffin hit Lois on the head and she was bleeding from the side of her head. "OH NO! It wasn't supposed to go like this!?" yelled Stewie. "Quagmire will kill us both!" yelled Brian. "She's bleeding from her head, let's see if we can revive her!" said Stewie.
Brian and Stewie try to wake up Lois but she was unresponsive. Lois does come to for a minute and she throws up and goes back to sleep. "Oh no! We need act fast!" said Brian. "I have some breath savers!" said Stewie. "No, not like that ass! We need to get her to a hospital!" said Brian. "No! If we do that, she'll know it was me!" said Stewie. "Maybe you should be punished for this. You've gotten away with too much...." said Brian. "Still upset about what I did to your car?" asked Stewie. "No time for that! She's not answering us!" said Brian as he tried to shake Lois but didn't get a response from her. "I just wanted her to stop singing and when the muffin hit her mouth I was hoping she was going to....." explained Stewie.
"Leave your explanations at the door. We need to get her some help! You tried to kill her, didn't you?" asked Brian. "Not really! Just wanted her to play a hilarious prank on her!" Stewie said in consternation. "Oh, if she finds out this was my doing, she's going to punish me! She'll make me watch Stuart Saves His Family On A Loop until I turn into Al Franken!
Cutaway Scene:
Stewie has his back turned as he was watching Stuart Saves his Family on the television. Brian walks in and says, "Stewie? Stewie? Hello? Talking to you here!" Stewie begins to cry, "I can never get married to a handsome man now." he cried. "What do you mean?" asked Brian. "No one will ever date me or find me attractive." sobbed Stewie. "It's not all that bad. Single life is cool!" said Brian. Stewie slowly turned to to face and Stewie now looks like Al Franken! Brian screams in an alarming dread. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Stewie! You turned into Al Franken!"
End of Cutaway.
*
In Atlantic City, Peter and Joe were walking through the boardwalk next to the beach. "Ahh! The beach in Atlantic City! Gambling, sand, surf, beautiful girls! Perfect place for a guy!" said Peter in a content state of mind. "You know Peter, if you help me solve this case about the Satanic Cult, I will let you have some salt water taffy while we're here!" said Joe. Peter squealed in delight like a child. "Or who knows? Maybe the force will like you so much, they'll let you be my partner for good! Like an Honorary Cop!" said Joe. "That sounds Holy freaking awesome! Imagine me, Peter Griffin! A man of the law! I might even become like Judge Dredd!" Peter exclaimed.
Cutaway Scene:
Lois and Brian were on the driveway of their house. "What could be keeping Peter so long?" asked Lois. Brian points to an oncoming motorcycle. "Holy beep that can't be him!" said Brian in horror. Peter is driving down the streets of Quahog in a futuristic looking motorcycle dressed as Judge Dredd. Peter is shooting in a laser gun in the air and while screaming, "I AM THE LAW!" shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW!" shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW"! shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW" shoots laser gun and Lois and Brian in their arms and they scream. "DAMN YOU PETER!" yelled Brian.
End of Cutaway
Joe and Peter were still walking on the boardwalk. "Sure is good that it's just you and me!" said Joe. People were in beach clothes, and swimwear were walking around and some people were at the beach swimming in the water and getting a tan. The beachgoers had no clue about the Satanic Cult. "When will we find this Satanic Cult?" asked Peter. "Patience Peter. We'll find them soon. And when I get my hands on those sons of bitches I'll sacrifice them to the GODS!" yelled Joe. Unsuspectingly, behind Peter and Joe came two familiar voices. "Party Over here!" "Heh Heh! All Right!" the voices said. Peter and Joe were both startled. "Someone's mugging us!" yelled Joe. "Or worst yet, rape!" said Peter. "My favorite word in the world!" said one of the voices. Peter and Joe turn around and much to their relief, it was only Cleveland and Quagmire. "Cleveland and Quagmire?" said Peter in shock and awe. "How did you guys get here?" asked Joe. "I flew a helicopter." said Quagmire. "We wanted to come along too, you were wrong to deny us." said Cleveland.
Joe facepalms, "Why did you....." Peter laughs, "hee hee hee hee, this is the part where he's going to say, 'but...but...but" then finally Joe gives in, "All right. You guys can come. I won't tell the force you guys joined in. Don't have much of a choice." Quagmire looks at the woman beachgoers. "After this is over, I'm going to bang so many chicks!" "Guess I can bend the rules just for now!" said Joe. "It's so good to have the gang together." said Peter. "We always work better when we're all a team." admitted Joe. Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were walking along the boardwalk. "Hey, let's make fun of those record commercials from the 80's and 90's about love songs." suggested Cleveland. "Sessions Presents.....Beach Love Songs from the 1970s!" began Peter. "Terry Jacks, We Had Joy We Had Fun....." said Quagmire. "Rupert Holmes, If You Like Pina Coloda!" said Joe. "R. Dean Taylor, Indiana Wants Me!" said Peter. "Jim Croce, Bad Bad, Leroy Brown!" said Cleveland. "Seals and Croft, Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel Fine!" said Quagmire. "Olivia Newton John, I Honestly Love You" said Peter. "Lobo! I'd Love You To Want Me!" said Joe. "10 cc! I'm Not In Love" and Cleveland. "Dan Fogelberg, "Longer Than!" said Quagmire. "AND MANY MORE"! they all shouted and laughed.
Their fun came to a grinding halt when an explosion was heard from far away. Beachgoers were screaming, yelling, running for their lives. "REPENT! REPENT!" "IF YOU'RE A VIRGIN GET AWAY" "SATANISTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" they all screamed. "Heh heh, too bad it's not me those chicks are running away from! OH!" said Quagmire. "That's it! The Satanic Cult is here, I KNOW IT!" said Joe slamming his fists into the arms of his wheelchair. "What should we do? We don't want them crazy ass Satanists to see us." said Cleveland. "Good point, we need to disguise ourselves." said Joe. "We didn't bring any costumes!" said Peter. "Don't need costumes, Peter! Follow me!" said Joe.
Joe lead Quagmire, Cleveland, and Peter to some changing stalls. "We will knock out whoever comes our way and take their clothes!" said Joe. "Oh boy the old knocking out some dudes and getting into their clothes gag! Love that!" said Peter. Two blacks and two oriental men were running their way, and Peter and Joe knocked out the black guys and obtained their clothes. Cleveland and Quagmire do the same to the oriental men. "Good work, team! Let's change into these guys clothes in those changing stalls." said Joe. "These guys clothes would fit me!" said Peter. There were only three changing stalls so Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire went in them. They all hid the black men and oriental men behind some trash cans. Peter tries to go into the stalls Quagmire was in, "Dammit Peter find your own I was here first!" Quagmire punched Peter into the ground. "Boy, I haven't felt this much of a wallop since Batman vs Superman."
Cutaway Scene:
Batman and Superman were punching each other in a wrestling ring. "I'M BATMAN!" "I"M SUPERMAN!" "I'M BATMAN!" "I'M SUPERMAN!" "I'M BATMAN!" "I'M SUPERMAN!" It continues on until someone in the audience says, "WHO CARES? YOU'RE BOTH OVERRATED DOUCHEBAGS! RETIRE ALREADY!"
End of Cutaway.
*
Brian and Stewie were in the bathroom and the bathtub was full of water. Frantically and full of panic thinking the worst. Brian and Stewie were washing Lois's head wound that was so bad that a part of her brain was showing. "Where in the hell did you get an idea to do this to Lois?" asked Brian demanding an answer. "In a Munsters Episode! It worked so well when I played the scene in my head." said Stewie. "And you thought it would actually work in real life?" berated Brian. "It seemed so...." before Stewie can finish, Brian said, "In this day and age I thought kids knew better than to imitate things they see on TV!" "We need a plan!" said Stewie. "Always bailing you out as usual. All right, how about this? We take Lois to a hospital in a town where nobody knows us..." said Brian devising a plan. "Great idea! Then we can use my mulitverse device and get a Lois from another universe and pass it off as the real Lois!" said Stewie.
"That's good Stewie. Then we'll bring the real Lois home after she gets better!" said Brian. "Most importantly, I'm going to be totally off the hook for this." said Stewie. "Keep in mind one thing, this is last time I am saving your sorry ass! Next time you do this to Lois, you're on your own!" warned Brian. "Fair enough, understood. I refuse to go down for this. I shall not be penalized by Lois for this! I'd rather watch Meg have an IBS attack!" said Stewie.
Cutaway Scene:
Meg is on the toilet in the bathroom. "Ahhh, great! Now I am going to meet my friends at the mall". Out of nowhere, a woman with long curly spiral red hair appears before Meg. She was wearing an opaque spandex jumpsuit with a picture of intestines on it. "Oh no you don't!" she said. Meg screamed, "Who are you?" "We have that thing!" said the woman again. "What thing?" asked Meg in fright. "Diarreah and Abdominal Pain! Who makes the decisions in your life? I do!" boasted the woman in the opaque jumpsuit. Meg cried, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
End of Cutaway
Brian and Stewie drove to Woonsocket Rhode Island and dropped Lois off by throwing her out of the car at the hospital at the entrance to the Emergency Room. Lois was taken right away. "Nobody knows her here!" said Brian as he stops the car and him and Stewie go out. "Did you bring your Multiverse Device?" asked Brian. "Sure did. Ready for this?" asked Stewie. "Ready as I'll ever be." Stewie pushes the button to the multiverse device and they both disappear. When they reappear, Brian and Stewie are in a jungle land. "Where are we??" asked Brian. "Hopefully, we're not in the Disney universe again." said Stewie. They explore their surroundings and find the dinosaurs from The Land Before Time movies.
"What the deuce?" yelled Stewie. "Who the hell are these dinosaurs?" asked Brian in disgust. "They're from that movie The Land Before Time, Lois and the Fatman have me watch them all the time and they think it's my all time favorite movie." answered Stewie. Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, and Petrie walk up to Brian and Stewie. "Hey, guys! Want to live with us in peace and harmony?" asked Ducky. "No thanks! Peace and Harmony is not my thing!" yelled Stewie. "Must've taken a wrong turn, push the button!" yelled Brian. Stewie pushes the button and the disappear from the Land Before Time universe. Brian and Stewie reappear again in the futuristic Quahog universe. "This takes me back." said Brian. "The future place where Quagmire cured himself of AIDS and where we saw a so called hot Meg!" said Stewie. They see Lois walk down the street she had her hair in a frizzy afro, knee high shoes, was wearing hot pants and a tube top. Future Universe Lois sees Brian and Stewie, "Hey, Brian and Stewie, what are you guys...." before Future Universe Lois can finish, Brian and Stewie grab her and push the button to the Multiverse Device. Brian, Stewie, and Future Universe Lois were at the original universe.
*
At Atlantic City the Head Priest of the Satantic Cult who were all wearing robes and goat masks were in a nearby church. The Head Priest was watching Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire the whole time. "Attention my minions!" said the Head Priest. "Look for these four funny looking men for me. Once you do I have an announcement to make to the people of Atlantic City!" said the Head Priest as his dispatches his evil minions to look for Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.
At the changing stalls walking out was Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were wearing the clothes they obtained from the black and oriental men from earlier. Joe was wearing a black tank top and white trunks. Cleveland was wearing a pink t shirt with light tan trunks, and Quagmire was wearing a purple tank top with green trunks. They were waiting for Peter. "Why hasn't Peter changed yet?" asked Quagmire. Peter came to them and was still in his usual clothes. "Here I am guys." said Peter. "Why haven't you changed into your disguise?" asked Cleveland. "Was waiting for you guys. Now that you're done, I'm going to use these stalls." said Peter as he walked into the stall again, this Peter walks into the stall and a woman inside screams. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!! YOU SICK TWISTED PERVERT!" Peter was then punched out again and flew out of the stall into the ground. "CRAP! Son of a bitch! Second time today!" screamed Peter.
Joe said, "See what you did, Quagmire?" "I didn't do anything! Why are you yelling at me for, dick?" asked Quagmire. "Always thought you would end up doing something like that. Wanted to prepare myself." said Joe. "Go behind the bush and change." suggested Cleveland. Peter goes behind the bush and changes into his disguise. Peter comes out and his disguise was too small for him. Peter was now wearing a red and orange striped t shirt that had his fat stomach protrude out and wearing blue jeans that only came up to his thighs. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire laugh at him. "You can't wear blue jeans! You're too much of a fat ass! HA HA HA!" the three of them laughed. "SHUT UP! I have a glandular problem!" said Peter. The four of them had their backs turned and some of the Satanic Cult members walked passed them and began causing more explosions and getting away with it. One of the Cult Members took an iPhone picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.
"Heard more explosions!" said Quagmire. One of the Cult Members said from a distance. "There's going to be a sacrifice today! Get ready!" "Sacrifice? Holy crap! Feel sorry for whoever that is!" said Peter. "Exactly, Peter! We need to investigate and find out who it is!" said Joe. "Hope it's not any of these hot women!" said Quagmire. More beachgoers were running and screaming. Joe didn't notice the explosions because Peter distracted them about getting into his disguise. "How could I have missed those explosions?" asked Joe to himself. "Let's ask around and see if anyone knows who it is." said Peter. "Those white girls in the bathing suits. We'll start with them. said Cleveland. Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire walk up to the girls in bathing suits. "We'll disguise our names." said Joe. "Hello, my name is Rodney Hardwick!" said Quagmire. "I'm Shelby Anderson!" said Cleveland. "I'm Wilcox Connors, and this is our friend, Abraham Hamilton!" said Joe as he was introducing themselves. "Why did you give me such a lame name?" asked Peter. Joe shushed Peter. One of the Cult Members was on his cellphone calling the leader, "We found those clowns!"
"We're new here in Atlantic City, so we thought we'd get some deets from a couple locals! Download me!" said Quagmire. "Ask them about the sacrifice!" said Peter. "We're gaining their trust!" said Cleveland. "So girls, why don't you show us around." said Joe. "Yeah heh heh! Or you can show us the ladies locker room!" suggested Quagmire. "We can do that." said the girls reluctantly. "Guys, wait for me outside!" said Quagmire. "But Glenn..." said Peter, Joe, and Cleveland at the same time. "I said wait for me outside while I (beep) these chicks!" yelled Quagmire. The girls were hesitant because they were in shock after the explosion. Before they can do anymore, an airhorn was heard. All the beachgoers along with Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were walking to it.
*
The beachgoers gather around the nearby church to hear what was going on. "We'll hide." advised Joe. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire hid behind a casino. The Head Priest of the Satanic Cult was on a balcony was about to give a speech. The beachgoers watched in fear. The other members of the cult were outside the church. "Greetings people of Atlantic City! As your high priest......." the Head Priest went on. Peter snickered and said, "That priest is high? He must be totally wasted!" "Quiet Peter!" hushed Cleveland. "There is going to be a sacrifice tonight! I just found some people who I am going to eliminate!" the Head Priest continued. The Satantic Cult members put a screen and showed a picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "If any of you see these assholes, bring them to me and I will give you all a handsome award for 100 thousand dollars!" The beachgoers were no longer afraid of the cult. The Head Priest went on, "These dickwipes have been after me and my minions! So please! If you see them, bring them to us! Once they're no longer a problem, there's going to be a party!" the beachgoers cheered. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were none too pleased that they were targets for the sacrifice. And yet, they were relieved because they were in disguise. Peter began to hyperventilate and sweat very profusely.
"OH NO! OH NO!" breathed Peter very hard. "Don't worry, they won't recognize us! We're disguised! Remember?" said Quagmire. "Those people are going to look for us! WE ARE the sacrifice! Our lives are over!" cried Peter. "Calm down, Peter! You're almost as annoyingly stupid as Brian was when he auditioned to play guitar at a dive bar". said Cleveland.
Cutaway Scene:
Brian walks into a dive bar and sees some seedy looking men and a woman inside. "I hear you're looking." said Brian. "We're thinking about it." said one of the men. Brian hooked up his guitar to an amplifier. "We're listening." said the other man. Brian began to play guitar with a coke bottle and played a hard rock tune. The seedy men and the woman looked at Brian funny but were impressed. "Why the (beep) is he playing with a Coke bottle!" "Who cares! Let him finish!" said the seedy men to one another. "You're in!" they said. "I'll think about it!" said Brian trying to be cool.
End of Cutaway.
The beachgoers were running around looking for Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "Aw, shit! They're all looking for us!" cried Peter. "I don't want to be thrown down a fire pit! Wah hah hah!" "We won't be! We just have to get this cult!" said Joe. "We're going to get away before it could happen!" said Quagmire. Joe found one of the bombs that the cult used earlier. "This will come in handy." Joe said. "You don't understand! Our lives are over! This Cult is going to murder us! They're going to......DESTROY US ALL!" yelled Peter.
Afterwards Peter was running around Atlantic City screaming "DESTROY US ALL" nonstop. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were chasing him around. Peter ran around the beach, the boardwalk, five star hotels, and casinos screaming, "DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!" with Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire chasing him trying to calm down Peter. Which was actually a good thing because it made it difficult beachgoers and the Satanic Cult for track them down. Peter stopped for a minute to get a hot dog, "One hot dog please!" he said. Then Peter continued to run around again after eating the hot dog yelling, "DESTROY US ALL!" As Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were chasing Peter, Cleveland hollered out, "You're acting all batshit crazy there, Peter!" "Dammit Peter, you're embarrassing me in front of all these sexy broads!" yelled Quagmire. "DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!" yelled Peter.
*
Meanwhile back in Quahog, Brian and Stewie had Future Alternate Universe Lois with them. She had fainted after being in shock after she saw what the real Quahog looked like, so that made good for Brian and Stewie as they were giving her a makeover to make her look like the real Lois. "Oh boy! Giving makeovers! Loving this so much! This makes me wish I could've been on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!" said Stewie flamboyantly. ''Why does that not shock me.... Why aren't you even scared that this plan could go wrong!" said Brian. "Plan will work, so let me have a little fun with this makeover for now!" said Stewie! Anyway once she comes to, we'll pass her off for the real Lois! Peter's such a dumbass! He won't know the difference!" said Brian. Then a knock is heard at the door. Brian and Stewie shrieked. "Oh no! It's probably Carter!" said Brian. But the voice was Lois. "Hello? Did I just get locked out of my own house!" asked Lois. "That's LOIS? How could it be?" asked Stewie. "I got a plan! Follow me!" said Brian. Stewie and Brian went outside to greet Lois. "Hey, Lois! Welcome home!" said Brian. "Just got back from getting groceries. Going to clean the house now that Peter is in Atlantic City on a mission with Joe." said Lois. "Wait here for a minute." said Brian then him and Stewie ran back inside. "Lois was supposed to be in the hospital with a head injury that you caused!" said Brian. "It appears that my Multiverse Device must've dropped us off at the moment before it all happened! We're completely off the hook!" said Stewie happily! Brian looked at the knocked out Future Alternate Universe Lois and said, "So we don't have to do any of this!" said Brian. "To think of all the trouble we went though trying to cover it up. We went to extremes."
Stewie gets a ray gun and says, "Exactly! We have no use for you!" zapping the Future Alternate Universe Lois back to where she came from. "You know what? In a way I just obliterated her without injuring her! But someday mark my words Brian! Lois will die in the worst possible way!" said Stewie. "Okay, Lois you can come in!" said Brian. Lois walks in with the groceries. "Why don't you put away the groceries and I'll put Stewie in his playpen." said Lois. "No problem! I'll help you with the cleaning as well!" said Brian. "Woah! Brian! You're such a help lately. Maybe I shouldn't make fun of you anymore." said Lois. Stewie was being put into his playpen by Lois and once he gets in his bedroom he hides away the cannon in his weapons room and says, "I'll use this again someday. When the time is right, I will kill that insolent slutty whore MILF of a mother of mine!" said Stewie. Downstairs Brian says, "Please don't sing any 90's one hit wonder songs." "Why not?" asked Lois. "Just don't." said Brian. "All right. Let's sing something from the legend that is David Bowie instead while we clean." "Sure! That song Let's Dance reminds me of when Peter and I were first married!" said Lois. Brian helped Lois to clean the house as they sang.
*
Back at Atlantic City, Peter was still going around saying, "DESTROY US ALL!" Peter's fearful run around comes to an end until all the members of the Satanic Cult comes up from behind them. "Excuse me," said the Head Priest. "It's them." Joe whispered. "We're doomed I tells you, it's Doomsville, baby!" said Peter. Gosh Peter, shut up!" demanded Cleveland! "You wouldn't happen to have seen four men have you?" asked the Head Priest all nonchalant. "Whatever do you mean?" asked Quagmire suspiciously. "The four men we're after one is a fat guy, a cripple, a black and a skinny guy with a long nose. Seen them around?" asked the Head Priest. "No, we haven't.....why do you ask?" said Joe getting the bomb ready. "Are you sure," asked the Head Priest again. "We promised these people a sacrifice!" "Here, hold this for us!" said Joe handing the bomb to the head priest and his followers. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were secretly sneaking away. "Wonder what this is?" asked one of the cult members seeing the bomb, in minutes much to Peter's, Cleveland's, Joe's, and Quagmire's relief, the bomb went off on the Head Priest and all the other Satanic Cult members blowing them away. Some were killed, some were injured. A bloody mess was left. The Head Priest said, "Those sons of bitches! They'll pay!"
Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire cheered at their victory! "YES! YES! YES! ALL RIGHT!! ROCK AND ROLL! GIGGITY! GIGGITY! AWESOME! SWEET! WE DID IT! ANOTHER CASE SOLVED!" the four of them cheered. More trouble brewed ahead when the two black guys and Asian guy whom they had stolen their clothes from who were both naked now, came around the corner. "That's dem! That's dem dere!" said the black men. "The hell! Who are they?" asked Peter all clueless. "Those are the dudes we stole their clothes from to disguise ourselves." said Quagmire. "Hey, Cleveland! You speak Ebonics, what did those black guys say?" asked Peter. "For (beep)ing out loud!" said Cleveland. The Asian guys say, "You stole clothes us! We get you! You need beat! Get 'em!" Then Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire have another chase on their hands! "I think we need to get out of here!" screamed Quagmire! "Let's not hang around for them to beat us!!" said Joe! The song The Ghost Inside by The Broken Bells played as the Blacks and Asians were chasing Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire out of Atlantic City. Peter had Joe's wheelchair "Put me back in my chair! I can outrun these guys!" said Joe as Peter held his hand that caused Joe to fly in the air. The chase continues until the four of them go into a forest and find some train tracks that had a train running on it. Peter threw Joe into the train and jumped aboard. Cleveland and Quagmire do the same. The make their getaway leaving the blacks and Asians in the dust. Joe got his chair back.
"The only thing you're getting from us is that dust you're eating! Later losers!" shouted Peter from the train. "Bet you're glad we came along, huh Joe?" asked Cleveland. "I could've done it just with Peter, but it's good to have friends to help you!" said Joe. "Between the four of us there's nothing we don't do!!" said Quagmire proudly. "Guess my panic mode was the one that saved us all, right!" said Peter. "That's true. Say listen Peter, would you like to help me solve another police case? I can make you all honorary cops, what do you say?" asked Joe. "Thanks for the offer, Joe..." said Cleveland. "But to be honest..." said Quagmire. "Being a cop sucks! I'll stick to my Brewery Job. Don't want to me an honorary cop like you offered, Joe. So, Honorary cop my ass!" said Peter. "Guess I'm fine with that. Leave the crime fighting to the professionals!" said Joe. "You can say one thing about it." said Quagmire. "It was an awesome experience we had!" said Cleveland. "Too bad I didn't get to have sex with any of those sexy woman beachgoers!" said Quagmire. "There's always other times for that." said Joe. "You know what? What we did back there, we're Four Guys Having an Adventure Again!" said Peter. "YAY!" the four of them cheered. "We have the best time together!" said Peter.
The train is still in New Jersey and was about to stop at any moment. The four of them see a sign that says, "Atlantic City Starts Here". "Wait a minute where is this train even headed?" asked Peter. "Hopefully to Quahog." said Joe. They see the helicopter that Quagmire used earlier. "Glenn and I used the helicopter there, want to go home that way?" asked Cleveland. "Let's do that." said Joe. "Better than going on that train to who knows where ville! If this is what it takes to get out of Jersey! I'm for it!" said Peter. So, with that, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire jumped off the train and went inside Quagmire's helicopter and flew back to Quahog. Peter says, "Uh, Joe. I don't think there's room for your wheelchair." Joe groans sadly. "Want to have another adventure again?" asked Cleveland. "You bet! But next time I want to get laid!" said Quagmire.
The End
The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production.
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Beach Blanket Griffin
On a Monday afternoon, Peter came home from working at the Brewery and he was now sitting with Lois watching television. An announcer on the TV said, "We now return to MTV's Broke Ass Game Show!" The Television showed a bunch of twenty something men sitting around and screaming in tremendous pain and dragging their bloodied buttockses on the ground. "We got our asses broken by machines!" the men screamed. "What the beep kind of game show is this?" one of the men asked yelling at the screen. Lois commanded Peter to turn it off. "Turn that off, Peter." "Your bitch is my command." snapped Peter. "And I thought MTV's Jackass was bad." said Lois. The doorbell rang. "Go get that, Peter." said Lois. "Just got back from work, and I want to be comfy." cried Peter. "No excuses, you're supposed to be the man of the house! Get the door!" barked Lois. "Don't wanna!" cried Peter again. "Peter, just because you came back from work, doesn't mean you're excused from doing work around here!" said Lois.
"Besides, who's gonna make me? You answer it! You're closer!" ordered Peter pointing at her. "I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO BY YOU, PETER!" shouted Lois as she then grabbed Peter by the hand and threw Peter across the room toward the door. "WOAH!" hollered a shocked Peter as he was being thrown. "HA! Still got it in me!" Lois said proudly. Peter mumbled "shitty piss ass bitch! Answer the door." Then answered the door and it was Joe. "Hey, Joe. What brings you here?" asked Peter. "Remeber when you helped me solve all those crimes a few weeks ago? asked Joe. "Think I do." said Peter. "The Police Department put me on a case in Atlantic City New Jersey. They want me to take down a Satanic Cult." explained Joe. "I like where this is going." said Peter being very pleased. "They want me to take you there and help me. Are you willing to do it? asked Joe. "You're asking ME to go solve some more crimes for you! Freakin' Awesome! I'm in!" said Peter.
Cleveland and Quagmire come to Peter's door wanting in on the action. "Not so fast!" said Quagmire. "You guys aren't going nowhere without bringing us." demanded Cleveland. "Sorry guys I would invite you.....but they want me only to bring one friend." said Joe. "Awww, come on! We always have fun together!" said Cleveland. "If you bring us along, we can be Four Guys Having An Adventure again!" said Quagmire. "Nope sorry, just Peter is coming with me. Can't go against the rules of the Police Department handbook!" said Joe. Cleveland murmurred but nobody heard him, "I know what he can do with that handbook!" "I need to go to Atlantic City, Joe! Especially this time of year! Don't you know how many chicks in bikinis I can get laid with?" begged Quagmire.
"Peter let's go. Maybe next time, guys. I promise!" said Joe as he and Peter went into Joe's police car and drove off. Cleveland and Quagmire felt like they've been left behind and let down that they can't join Peter and Joe like they always do. "Dammit! Son of a bitch! We gotta find a way to get to Atlantic City and join Joe and Peter." said Cleveland. "I know! Haven't felt this let down since I saw Scooby Doo Goes To Cleveland!" said Quagmire.
Cutaway Scene:
Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and Fred were walking down the streets of Cleveland Ohio. "ZOINKS! This place is spooky even in daytime!" said Shaggy as him and Scooby were eating dead fish from the lake. Scooby sees a masked ghost and says, "THESE FISHES ARE DELICIOUS, RAGGY!" said Scooby, "Rut Ro!" The masked ghost had Daphne stuck in a basketball hoop. "Freeze right there, ghost"! said Fred. "Jinkies you're not a masked ghost! You're....." said Velma as she unmasked the ghost underneath was LeBron James. "LEBRON JAMES?" yelled Velma, Fred, and Shaggy, and Scooby. "Yeah, that's right! The economical structure of this city of based on me! Deal with it." said Lebron James as he shot a gun at an oncoming police car. Shaggy, Velma, Scobby, and Fred all stared in shock. Daphne says, "Isn't anyone going to get me down? HELLO!!"
*
While Peter went with Joe to Atlantic City, Lois was cleaning the house. Lois was singing the Four Non Blonds Whats Up. Stewie was on top of the staircase armed with a mini cannon. Lois continued to sing and it aggravated Stewie. "I'm going to put an end to her insufferable screeching of a one hit wonder 90's song!" vowed Stewie. "I wake up in the morning and I step outside And I take a deep breath and a get real high......" sang Lois. Stewie gets a months old stale blueberry muffin and puts it inside his cannon and gets ready to fire it at Lois. "In no time at all, Lois will be singing like Alvin and The Chipmunks"! said Stewie.
"And I said, Hey Yeah Yeah Yeah! Hey Yeah Yeah! I said Hey! What's Going on"! sang Lois. "FIRE!" yelled Stewie when he shot the cannon and the blueberry muffin sped out like a hot knife though butter. "And I try! Oh My God! Do I......" Lois sang until the muffin hit her on the head knocking her out. Lois fell to the floor and was comatose. Stewie assumed the muffin landed in her mouth. "Yes! I did it! Victory is mine!" cheered Stewie. Brian came to see what Stewie was up to. "What are you clamoring on about?" asked Brian. "Lois was singing and it annoyed the shit out of me! So I gave her the business!" Stewie said proudly. "What do you mean?" asked Brian. "I shot a muffin in her mouth!" said Stewie. "Come see!" Brian and Stewie walk up Lois who was out cold. Stewie then sees his plan went awry when Brian and Stewie discover that the muffin hit Lois on the head and she was bleeding from the side of her head. "OH NO! It wasn't supposed to go like this!?" yelled Stewie. "Quagmire will kill us both!" yelled Brian. "She's bleeding from her head, let's see if we can revive her!" said Stewie.
Brian and Stewie try to wake up Lois but she was unresponsive. Lois does come to for a minute and she throws up and goes back to sleep. "Oh no! We need act fast!" said Brian. "I have some breath savers!" said Stewie. "No, not like that ass! We need to get her to a hospital!" said Brian. "No! If we do that, she'll know it was me!" said Stewie. "Maybe you should be punished for this. You've gotten away with too much...." said Brian. "Still upset about what I did to your car?" asked Stewie. "No time for that! She's not answering us!" said Brian as he tried to shake Lois but didn't get a response from her. "I just wanted her to stop singing and when the muffin hit her mouth I was hoping she was going to....." explained Stewie.
"Leave your explanations at the door. We need to get her some help! You tried to kill her, didn't you?" asked Brian. "Not really! Just wanted her to play a hilarious prank on her!" Stewie said in consternation. "Oh, if she finds out this was my doing, she's going to punish me! She'll make me watch Stuart Saves His Family On A Loop until I turn into Al Franken!
Cutaway Scene:
Stewie has his back turned as he was watching Stuart Saves his Family on the television. Brian walks in and says, "Stewie? Stewie? Hello? Talking to you here!" Stewie begins to cry, "I can never get married to a handsome man now." he cried. "What do you mean?" asked Brian. "No one will ever date me or find me attractive." sobbed Stewie. "It's not all that bad. Single life is cool!" said Brian. Stewie slowly turned to to face and Stewie now looks like Al Franken! Brian screams in an alarming dread. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Stewie! You turned into Al Franken!"
End of Cutaway.
*
In Atlantic City, Peter and Joe were walking through the boardwalk next to the beach. "Ahh! The beach in Atlantic City! Gambling, sand, surf, beautiful girls! Perfect place for a guy!" said Peter in a content state of mind. "You know Peter, if you help me solve this case about the Satanic Cult, I will let you have some salt water taffy while we're here!" said Joe. Peter squealed in delight like a child. "Or who knows? Maybe the force will like you so much, they'll let you be my partner for good! Like an Honorary Cop!" said Joe. "That sounds Holy freaking awesome! Imagine me, Peter Griffin! A man of the law! I might even become like Judge Dredd!" Peter exclaimed.
Cutaway Scene:
Lois and Brian were on the driveway of their house. "What could be keeping Peter so long?" asked Lois. Brian points to an oncoming motorcycle. "Holy beep that can't be him!" said Brian in horror. Peter is driving down the streets of Quahog in a futuristic looking motorcycle dressed as Judge Dredd. Peter is shooting in a laser gun in the air and while screaming, "I AM THE LAW!" shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW!" shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW"! shoots laser gun again. "I AM THE LAW" shoots laser gun and Lois and Brian in their arms and they scream. "DAMN YOU PETER!" yelled Brian.
End of Cutaway
Joe and Peter were still walking on the boardwalk. "Sure is good that it's just you and me!" said Joe. People were in beach clothes, and swimwear were walking around and some people were at the beach swimming in the water and getting a tan. The beachgoers had no clue about the Satanic Cult. "When will we find this Satanic Cult?" asked Peter. "Patience Peter. We'll find them soon. And when I get my hands on those sons of bitches I'll sacrifice them to the GODS!" yelled Joe. Unsuspectingly, behind Peter and Joe came two familiar voices. "Party Over here!" "Heh Heh! All Right!" the voices said. Peter and Joe were both startled. "Someone's mugging us!" yelled Joe. "Or worst yet, rape!" said Peter. "My favorite word in the world!" said one of the voices. Peter and Joe turn around and much to their relief, it was only Cleveland and Quagmire. "Cleveland and Quagmire?" said Peter in shock and awe. "How did you guys get here?" asked Joe. "I flew a helicopter." said Quagmire. "We wanted to come along too, you were wrong to deny us." said Cleveland.
Joe facepalms, "Why did you....." Peter laughs, "hee hee hee hee, this is the part where he's going to say, 'but...but...but" then finally Joe gives in, "All right. You guys can come. I won't tell the force you guys joined in. Don't have much of a choice." Quagmire looks at the woman beachgoers. "After this is over, I'm going to bang so many chicks!" "Guess I can bend the rules just for now!" said Joe. "It's so good to have the gang together." said Peter. "We always work better when we're all a team." admitted Joe. Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were walking along the boardwalk. "Hey, let's make fun of those record commercials from the 80's and 90's about love songs." suggested Cleveland. "Sessions Presents.....Beach Love Songs from the 1970s!" began Peter. "Terry Jacks, We Had Joy We Had Fun....." said Quagmire. "Rupert Holmes, If You Like Pina Coloda!" said Joe. "R. Dean Taylor, Indiana Wants Me!" said Peter. "Jim Croce, Bad Bad, Leroy Brown!" said Cleveland. "Seals and Croft, Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel Fine!" said Quagmire. "Olivia Newton John, I Honestly Love You" said Peter. "Lobo! I'd Love You To Want Me!" said Joe. "10 cc! I'm Not In Love" and Cleveland. "Dan Fogelberg, "Longer Than!" said Quagmire. "AND MANY MORE"! they all shouted and laughed.
Their fun came to a grinding halt when an explosion was heard from far away. Beachgoers were screaming, yelling, running for their lives. "REPENT! REPENT!" "IF YOU'RE A VIRGIN GET AWAY" "SATANISTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" they all screamed. "Heh heh, too bad it's not me those chicks are running away from! OH!" said Quagmire. "That's it! The Satanic Cult is here, I KNOW IT!" said Joe slamming his fists into the arms of his wheelchair. "What should we do? We don't want them crazy ass Satanists to see us." said Cleveland. "Good point, we need to disguise ourselves." said Joe. "We didn't bring any costumes!" said Peter. "Don't need costumes, Peter! Follow me!" said Joe.
Joe lead Quagmire, Cleveland, and Peter to some changing stalls. "We will knock out whoever comes our way and take their clothes!" said Joe. "Oh boy the old knocking out some dudes and getting into their clothes gag! Love that!" said Peter. Two blacks and two oriental men were running their way, and Peter and Joe knocked out the black guys and obtained their clothes. Cleveland and Quagmire do the same to the oriental men. "Good work, team! Let's change into these guys clothes in those changing stalls." said Joe. "These guys clothes would fit me!" said Peter. There were only three changing stalls so Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire went in them. They all hid the black men and oriental men behind some trash cans. Peter tries to go into the stalls Quagmire was in, "Dammit Peter find your own I was here first!" Quagmire punched Peter into the ground. "Boy, I haven't felt this much of a wallop since Batman vs Superman."
Cutaway Scene:
Batman and Superman were punching each other in a wrestling ring. "I'M BATMAN!" "I"M SUPERMAN!" "I'M BATMAN!" "I'M SUPERMAN!" "I'M BATMAN!" "I'M SUPERMAN!" It continues on until someone in the audience says, "WHO CARES? YOU'RE BOTH OVERRATED DOUCHEBAGS! RETIRE ALREADY!"
End of Cutaway.
*
Brian and Stewie were in the bathroom and the bathtub was full of water. Frantically and full of panic thinking the worst. Brian and Stewie were washing Lois's head wound that was so bad that a part of her brain was showing. "Where in the hell did you get an idea to do this to Lois?" asked Brian demanding an answer. "In a Munsters Episode! It worked so well when I played the scene in my head." said Stewie. "And you thought it would actually work in real life?" berated Brian. "It seemed so...." before Stewie can finish, Brian said, "In this day and age I thought kids knew better than to imitate things they see on TV!" "We need a plan!" said Stewie. "Always bailing you out as usual. All right, how about this? We take Lois to a hospital in a town where nobody knows us..." said Brian devising a plan. "Great idea! Then we can use my mulitverse device and get a Lois from another universe and pass it off as the real Lois!" said Stewie.
"That's good Stewie. Then we'll bring the real Lois home after she gets better!" said Brian. "Most importantly, I'm going to be totally off the hook for this." said Stewie. "Keep in mind one thing, this is last time I am saving your sorry ass! Next time you do this to Lois, you're on your own!" warned Brian. "Fair enough, understood. I refuse to go down for this. I shall not be penalized by Lois for this! I'd rather watch Meg have an IBS attack!" said Stewie.
Cutaway Scene:
Meg is on the toilet in the bathroom. "Ahhh, great! Now I am going to meet my friends at the mall". Out of nowhere, a woman with long curly spiral red hair appears before Meg. She was wearing an opaque spandex jumpsuit with a picture of intestines on it. "Oh no you don't!" she said. Meg screamed, "Who are you?" "We have that thing!" said the woman again. "What thing?" asked Meg in fright. "Diarreah and Abdominal Pain! Who makes the decisions in your life? I do!" boasted the woman in the opaque jumpsuit. Meg cried, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
End of Cutaway
Brian and Stewie drove to Woonsocket Rhode Island and dropped Lois off by throwing her out of the car at the hospital at the entrance to the Emergency Room. Lois was taken right away. "Nobody knows her here!" said Brian as he stops the car and him and Stewie go out. "Did you bring your Multiverse Device?" asked Brian. "Sure did. Ready for this?" asked Stewie. "Ready as I'll ever be." Stewie pushes the button to the multiverse device and they both disappear. When they reappear, Brian and Stewie are in a jungle land. "Where are we??" asked Brian. "Hopefully, we're not in the Disney universe again." said Stewie. They explore their surroundings and find the dinosaurs from The Land Before Time movies.
"What the deuce?" yelled Stewie. "Who the hell are these dinosaurs?" asked Brian in disgust. "They're from that movie The Land Before Time, Lois and the Fatman have me watch them all the time and they think it's my all time favorite movie." answered Stewie. Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, and Petrie walk up to Brian and Stewie. "Hey, guys! Want to live with us in peace and harmony?" asked Ducky. "No thanks! Peace and Harmony is not my thing!" yelled Stewie. "Must've taken a wrong turn, push the button!" yelled Brian. Stewie pushes the button and the disappear from the Land Before Time universe. Brian and Stewie reappear again in the futuristic Quahog universe. "This takes me back." said Brian. "The future place where Quagmire cured himself of AIDS and where we saw a so called hot Meg!" said Stewie. They see Lois walk down the street she had her hair in a frizzy afro, knee high shoes, was wearing hot pants and a tube top. Future Universe Lois sees Brian and Stewie, "Hey, Brian and Stewie, what are you guys...." before Future Universe Lois can finish, Brian and Stewie grab her and push the button to the Multiverse Device. Brian, Stewie, and Future Universe Lois were at the original universe.
*
At Atlantic City the Head Priest of the Satantic Cult who were all wearing robes and goat masks were in a nearby church. The Head Priest was watching Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire the whole time. "Attention my minions!" said the Head Priest. "Look for these four funny looking men for me. Once you do I have an announcement to make to the people of Atlantic City!" said the Head Priest as his dispatches his evil minions to look for Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.
At the changing stalls walking out was Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were wearing the clothes they obtained from the black and oriental men from earlier. Joe was wearing a black tank top and white trunks. Cleveland was wearing a pink t shirt with light tan trunks, and Quagmire was wearing a purple tank top with green trunks. They were waiting for Peter. "Why hasn't Peter changed yet?" asked Quagmire. Peter came to them and was still in his usual clothes. "Here I am guys." said Peter. "Why haven't you changed into your disguise?" asked Cleveland. "Was waiting for you guys. Now that you're done, I'm going to use these stalls." said Peter as he walked into the stall again, this Peter walks into the stall and a woman inside screams. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!! YOU SICK TWISTED PERVERT!" Peter was then punched out again and flew out of the stall into the ground. "CRAP! Son of a bitch! Second time today!" screamed Peter.
Joe said, "See what you did, Quagmire?" "I didn't do anything! Why are you yelling at me for, dick?" asked Quagmire. "Always thought you would end up doing something like that. Wanted to prepare myself." said Joe. "Go behind the bush and change." suggested Cleveland. Peter goes behind the bush and changes into his disguise. Peter comes out and his disguise was too small for him. Peter was now wearing a red and orange striped t shirt that had his fat stomach protrude out and wearing blue jeans that only came up to his thighs. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire laugh at him. "You can't wear blue jeans! You're too much of a fat ass! HA HA HA!" the three of them laughed. "SHUT UP! I have a glandular problem!" said Peter. The four of them had their backs turned and some of the Satanic Cult members walked passed them and began causing more explosions and getting away with it. One of the Cult Members took an iPhone picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.
"Heard more explosions!" said Quagmire. One of the Cult Members said from a distance. "There's going to be a sacrifice today! Get ready!" "Sacrifice? Holy crap! Feel sorry for whoever that is!" said Peter. "Exactly, Peter! We need to investigate and find out who it is!" said Joe. "Hope it's not any of these hot women!" said Quagmire. More beachgoers were running and screaming. Joe didn't notice the explosions because Peter distracted them about getting into his disguise. "How could I have missed those explosions?" asked Joe to himself. "Let's ask around and see if anyone knows who it is." said Peter. "Those white girls in the bathing suits. We'll start with them. said Cleveland. Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire walk up to the girls in bathing suits. "We'll disguise our names." said Joe. "Hello, my name is Rodney Hardwick!" said Quagmire. "I'm Shelby Anderson!" said Cleveland. "I'm Wilcox Connors, and this is our friend, Abraham Hamilton!" said Joe as he was introducing themselves. "Why did you give me such a lame name?" asked Peter. Joe shushed Peter. One of the Cult Members was on his cellphone calling the leader, "We found those clowns!"
"We're new here in Atlantic City, so we thought we'd get some deets from a couple locals! Download me!" said Quagmire. "Ask them about the sacrifice!" said Peter. "We're gaining their trust!" said Cleveland. "So girls, why don't you show us around." said Joe. "Yeah heh heh! Or you can show us the ladies locker room!" suggested Quagmire. "We can do that." said the girls reluctantly. "Guys, wait for me outside!" said Quagmire. "But Glenn..." said Peter, Joe, and Cleveland at the same time. "I said wait for me outside while I (beep) these chicks!" yelled Quagmire. The girls were hesitant because they were in shock after the explosion. Before they can do anymore, an airhorn was heard. All the beachgoers along with Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire were walking to it.
*
The beachgoers gather around the nearby church to hear what was going on. "We'll hide." advised Joe. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire hid behind a casino. The Head Priest of the Satanic Cult was on a balcony was about to give a speech. The beachgoers watched in fear. The other members of the cult were outside the church. "Greetings people of Atlantic City! As your high priest......." the Head Priest went on. Peter snickered and said, "That priest is high? He must be totally wasted!" "Quiet Peter!" hushed Cleveland. "There is going to be a sacrifice tonight! I just found some people who I am going to eliminate!" the Head Priest continued. The Satantic Cult members put a screen and showed a picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "If any of you see these assholes, bring them to me and I will give you all a handsome award for 100 thousand dollars!" The beachgoers were no longer afraid of the cult. The Head Priest went on, "These dickwipes have been after me and my minions! So please! If you see them, bring them to us! Once they're no longer a problem, there's going to be a party!" the beachgoers cheered. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were none too pleased that they were targets for the sacrifice. And yet, they were relieved because they were in disguise. Peter began to hyperventilate and sweat very profusely.
"OH NO! OH NO!" breathed Peter very hard. "Don't worry, they won't recognize us! We're disguised! Remember?" said Quagmire. "Those people are going to look for us! WE ARE the sacrifice! Our lives are over!" cried Peter. "Calm down, Peter! You're almost as annoyingly stupid as Brian was when he auditioned to play guitar at a dive bar". said Cleveland.
Cutaway Scene:
Brian walks into a dive bar and sees some seedy looking men and a woman inside. "I hear you're looking." said Brian. "We're thinking about it." said one of the men. Brian hooked up his guitar to an amplifier. "We're listening." said the other man. Brian began to play guitar with a coke bottle and played a hard rock tune. The seedy men and the woman looked at Brian funny but were impressed. "Why the (beep) is he playing with a Coke bottle!" "Who cares! Let him finish!" said the seedy men to one another. "You're in!" they said. "I'll think about it!" said Brian trying to be cool.
End of Cutaway.
The beachgoers were running around looking for Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "Aw, shit! They're all looking for us!" cried Peter. "I don't want to be thrown down a fire pit! Wah hah hah!" "We won't be! We just have to get this cult!" said Joe. "We're going to get away before it could happen!" said Quagmire. Joe found one of the bombs that the cult used earlier. "This will come in handy." Joe said. "You don't understand! Our lives are over! This Cult is going to murder us! They're going to......DESTROY US ALL!" yelled Peter.
Afterwards Peter was running around Atlantic City screaming "DESTROY US ALL" nonstop. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were chasing him around. Peter ran around the beach, the boardwalk, five star hotels, and casinos screaming, "DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!" with Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire chasing him trying to calm down Peter. Which was actually a good thing because it made it difficult beachgoers and the Satanic Cult for track them down. Peter stopped for a minute to get a hot dog, "One hot dog please!" he said. Then Peter continued to run around again after eating the hot dog yelling, "DESTROY US ALL!" As Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were chasing Peter, Cleveland hollered out, "You're acting all batshit crazy there, Peter!" "Dammit Peter, you're embarrassing me in front of all these sexy broads!" yelled Quagmire. "DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!" yelled Peter.
*
Meanwhile back in Quahog, Brian and Stewie had Future Alternate Universe Lois with them. She had fainted after being in shock after she saw what the real Quahog looked like, so that made good for Brian and Stewie as they were giving her a makeover to make her look like the real Lois. "Oh boy! Giving makeovers! Loving this so much! This makes me wish I could've been on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!" said Stewie flamboyantly. ''Why does that not shock me.... Why aren't you even scared that this plan could go wrong!" said Brian. "Plan will work, so let me have a little fun with this makeover for now!" said Stewie! Anyway once she comes to, we'll pass her off for the real Lois! Peter's such a dumbass! He won't know the difference!" said Brian. Then a knock is heard at the door. Brian and Stewie shrieked. "Oh no! It's probably Carter!" said Brian. But the voice was Lois. "Hello? Did I just get locked out of my own house!" asked Lois. "That's LOIS? How could it be?" asked Stewie. "I got a plan! Follow me!" said Brian. Stewie and Brian went outside to greet Lois. "Hey, Lois! Welcome home!" said Brian. "Just got back from getting groceries. Going to clean the house now that Peter is in Atlantic City on a mission with Joe." said Lois. "Wait here for a minute." said Brian then him and Stewie ran back inside. "Lois was supposed to be in the hospital with a head injury that you caused!" said Brian. "It appears that my Multiverse Device must've dropped us off at the moment before it all happened! We're completely off the hook!" said Stewie happily! Brian looked at the knocked out Future Alternate Universe Lois and said, "So we don't have to do any of this!" said Brian. "To think of all the trouble we went though trying to cover it up. We went to extremes."
Stewie gets a ray gun and says, "Exactly! We have no use for you!" zapping the Future Alternate Universe Lois back to where she came from. "You know what? In a way I just obliterated her without injuring her! But someday mark my words Brian! Lois will die in the worst possible way!" said Stewie. "Okay, Lois you can come in!" said Brian. Lois walks in with the groceries. "Why don't you put away the groceries and I'll put Stewie in his playpen." said Lois. "No problem! I'll help you with the cleaning as well!" said Brian. "Woah! Brian! You're such a help lately. Maybe I shouldn't make fun of you anymore." said Lois. Stewie was being put into his playpen by Lois and once he gets in his bedroom he hides away the cannon in his weapons room and says, "I'll use this again someday. When the time is right, I will kill that insolent slutty whore MILF of a mother of mine!" said Stewie. Downstairs Brian says, "Please don't sing any 90's one hit wonder songs." "Why not?" asked Lois. "Just don't." said Brian. "All right. Let's sing something from the legend that is David Bowie instead while we clean." "Sure! That song Let's Dance reminds me of when Peter and I were first married!" said Lois. Brian helped Lois to clean the house as they sang.
*
Back at Atlantic City, Peter was still going around saying, "DESTROY US ALL!" Peter's fearful run around comes to an end until all the members of the Satanic Cult comes up from behind them. "Excuse me," said the Head Priest. "It's them." Joe whispered. "We're doomed I tells you, it's Doomsville, baby!" said Peter. Gosh Peter, shut up!" demanded Cleveland! "You wouldn't happen to have seen four men have you?" asked the Head Priest all nonchalant. "Whatever do you mean?" asked Quagmire suspiciously. "The four men we're after one is a fat guy, a cripple, a black and a skinny guy with a long nose. Seen them around?" asked the Head Priest. "No, we haven't.....why do you ask?" said Joe getting the bomb ready. "Are you sure," asked the Head Priest again. "We promised these people a sacrifice!" "Here, hold this for us!" said Joe handing the bomb to the head priest and his followers. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were secretly sneaking away. "Wonder what this is?" asked one of the cult members seeing the bomb, in minutes much to Peter's, Cleveland's, Joe's, and Quagmire's relief, the bomb went off on the Head Priest and all the other Satanic Cult members blowing them away. Some were killed, some were injured. A bloody mess was left. The Head Priest said, "Those sons of bitches! They'll pay!"
Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire cheered at their victory! "YES! YES! YES! ALL RIGHT!! ROCK AND ROLL! GIGGITY! GIGGITY! AWESOME! SWEET! WE DID IT! ANOTHER CASE SOLVED!" the four of them cheered. More trouble brewed ahead when the two black guys and Asian guy whom they had stolen their clothes from who were both naked now, came around the corner. "That's dem! That's dem dere!" said the black men. "The hell! Who are they?" asked Peter all clueless. "Those are the dudes we stole their clothes from to disguise ourselves." said Quagmire. "Hey, Cleveland! You speak Ebonics, what did those black guys say?" asked Peter. "For (beep)ing out loud!" said Cleveland. The Asian guys say, "You stole clothes us! We get you! You need beat! Get 'em!" Then Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire have another chase on their hands! "I think we need to get out of here!" screamed Quagmire! "Let's not hang around for them to beat us!!" said Joe! The song The Ghost Inside by The Broken Bells played as the Blacks and Asians were chasing Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire out of Atlantic City. Peter had Joe's wheelchair "Put me back in my chair! I can outrun these guys!" said Joe as Peter held his hand that caused Joe to fly in the air. The chase continues until the four of them go into a forest and find some train tracks that had a train running on it. Peter threw Joe into the train and jumped aboard. Cleveland and Quagmire do the same. The make their getaway leaving the blacks and Asians in the dust. Joe got his chair back.
"The only thing you're getting from us is that dust you're eating! Later losers!" shouted Peter from the train. "Bet you're glad we came along, huh Joe?" asked Cleveland. "I could've done it just with Peter, but it's good to have friends to help you!" said Joe. "Between the four of us there's nothing we don't do!!" said Quagmire proudly. "Guess my panic mode was the one that saved us all, right!" said Peter. "That's true. Say listen Peter, would you like to help me solve another police case? I can make you all honorary cops, what do you say?" asked Joe. "Thanks for the offer, Joe..." said Cleveland. "But to be honest..." said Quagmire. "Being a cop sucks! I'll stick to my Brewery Job. Don't want to me an honorary cop like you offered, Joe. So, Honorary cop my ass!" said Peter. "Guess I'm fine with that. Leave the crime fighting to the professionals!" said Joe. "You can say one thing about it." said Quagmire. "It was an awesome experience we had!" said Cleveland. "Too bad I didn't get to have sex with any of those sexy woman beachgoers!" said Quagmire. "There's always other times for that." said Joe. "You know what? What we did back there, we're Four Guys Having an Adventure Again!" said Peter. "YAY!" the four of them cheered. "We have the best time together!" said Peter.
The train is still in New Jersey and was about to stop at any moment. The four of them see a sign that says, "Atlantic City Starts Here". "Wait a minute where is this train even headed?" asked Peter. "Hopefully to Quahog." said Joe. They see the helicopter that Quagmire used earlier. "Glenn and I used the helicopter there, want to go home that way?" asked Cleveland. "Let's do that." said Joe. "Better than going on that train to who knows where ville! If this is what it takes to get out of Jersey! I'm for it!" said Peter. So, with that, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire jumped off the train and went inside Quagmire's helicopter and flew back to Quahog. Peter says, "Uh, Joe. I don't think there's room for your wheelchair." Joe groans sadly. "Want to have another adventure again?" asked Cleveland. "You bet! But next time I want to get laid!" said Quagmire.
The End
The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production.
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