Categories > Cartoons > American Dad

Howdy Pardners

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

Stan and Roger get time warped back to the old west because they were chosen to complete a mission Stan's Grandfather failed.

Category: American Dad - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2017-05-25 - Updated: 2017-05-25 - 4222 words - Complete

American Dad Presents:

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Howdy Pardners!

Roger woke up feeling worse than that time he slept on a woman's hairy leg. Roger just could not get that hairy leg image out of his head. A memory he'd rather forget. As he was waking up, Roger just remembered him and Stan binge watched Hannah Montana and Lizzie McGuire.

Roger liked to pretend he was Lizzie McGuire flirting with Ethan Craft and stabbing the backstabbing Kate with how he would get a bra after summer camp and have a boy's underwear in his hand. Roger liked those shows more because Stan hated them.

Roger also stated, "Did you see those parents on those shows? They're so conservative. Don't let their daughters to out with their friends and party."

"No they're not! They're liberal! They let their kids hang out with minorities! They're like an overgrown Jeff and Hayley! Get your political priorities straight! That meaning definitions of liberals and conservatives! Now screw the beep off!" walked off Stan. He didn't care because he was a man who didn't care about other people's fun as they didn't care about his ideals of fun.

Stan and Roger go outside and see a tornado coming their way. "Holy shit! Look at that tornado! It's like the Wizard of Oz come true!" screamed Roger fearfully!

Roger was running around in circles screaming hysterically about the tornado. Stan was just standing where he was not moving. "Come on, spinny! Bring it on, bitch!" Stan said as he was facing the tornado with courage and bravery.

The tornado sweeps them inside. "See you on the other side, Stan!" cried Roger. Stan and Roger see a bunch of red and yellow swirls as the years pass by them. The tornado was really a time tunnel.
2017.....2006......1995......1984......1973.......1962......1951.....1940........1930........1922......1916.......The swirl stops as they land in 1885 Wyoming.

Roger was an alien from another planet trapped on earth because of a angry ex-lover of his, but he would beg him to take him back to avoid going back in time. "If only I can get a ahold of my ex girlfriend and tell her to get me out of this! I know! I'll use my iPhone...." said Roger. Stan stops him from getting the iphone. "Put that thing away, we don't know where we are yet!" Stan and Roger look around and they discover they were indeed in 1885. People were walking around wearing western style clothes. "Stan! I don't think we're in 2017 anymore!" said an astounded Roger.

An anomaly is Heard. "Stan Smith and Roger". "Eeeek! NOW I'm hearing voices! My days of drunken hedonism have finally caught up with me!" yelled Roger. "Shut up! What do you have to say, voice in the sky?" asked Stan to the anomaly. "In order to go back to 2017, you both must complete a mission that Stans great great grandfather failed." Stan reminds Roger not to talk about events that happened in 2017 in 1885. "All right, the old west! My favorite time period! Finally get to play out my heroic cowboy fantasies!" Next to World War 2 of course!" cheered Stan. "Now remember, Roger we need to blend in to the old west! So must must not talk about any events that happened in 2017 here in 1885!" Roger added, "Can do that. You like to play cowboy when you and Francine do those sex games!" Stan slapped Roger upside the head and said, "Stop spying on things that are none of your business!"

Roger said, "Fine! I will take that as a warning." while doing the equivalent of crossing his fingers, he gave Stan the middle finger while saying he wouldn't.

" Roger?" Stan yelled.

" Okay, okay. Geez, try make your own horrifying hiccups from watching Alf and your disowned from having fun."
Stan's grandfather failed to find a treasure chest some pirate buried in the town long ago that could be dug because the water he dropped it in dried up. Stan and Roger knock out two cowboys and obtain their clothes. They found some shovels nearby. Stan remember what the mission his grandfather failed was. "Maybe that's why we're here!!" Stan said theoretically! "Yes! You and I can work side by side taking out those wild cowboys and bandits!" exclaimed Roger. "Tell you what. When you die then you can be my partner." said Stan. "Sounds awesome but....wait? When I die?" Roger said in shock.

Stan and Roger dug for the treasure and they find it. "There's gold in them thar parts!". Exclaimed Roger.

Stan didn't care how silly Roger made it sound, if they made it home they would he rich men.

Stan and Roger got the treasure. They went on a stagecoach into the nearest town.

From a distance some evil cowboys called the Rowdy Rough Boys who stole the treasure were stalking Stan and Roger.


" Please tell me you have some kind of gun with you. Your in the CIA," said Roger. Stan showed Roger a gun that was on him when he knocked out the cowboy to get his clothes. "You'll always be safe with the CIA" assured Stan. They had the treasure in the stagecoach.

Stan and Roger went into town on the stagecoach and hand back the treasure. They arrived at Mulch City Wyoming. "Could it be?" said the townspeople as they watched. Stan thinks the townspeople were waiting for him considering it was his grandfather's mission". "It sho is! The sheriff is back!" the townspeople cheered! "Talk about a warm welcome!" said Roger. "Welcome back sheriff Smith!" said the townspeople,. Much to Stan's chagrin they appoint Roger the sheriff! "Why are you making HIM sheriff! He doesn't even know how to shoot a gun!" yelled Stan. "No problem! We'll show him the way!" said the townspeople. The Rowdy Rough Boys wait for a good time to strike. Roger is pleased to be sheriff but Stan thinks it should be him. It was his grandfather 's mission. The townspeople of Mulch City say Stan's grandfather went to look for the treasure and never returned. Possibly killed by the Rowdy Rough Boys. "Why not let me train him? You guys obviously don't know him like I do." said Stan. "Bug off!" a man said he as pushed Stan away.

This was Stan's chance to avenge his grandfathers death by killing the Rowdy Boys.

"We're going to teach you how to be the greatest sheriff ever!" The townspeople said as they were training Roger for his sheriff duties. "Try that stagecoach!" said Stan. Roger tries to impress a girl who was watching wearing a cowboy hat, vest, and skirt who was admiring Roger from afar by driving a stagecoach and Roger throws off a Chinese doctor who was riding inside. Roger roughed up the The Chinese Doctor asscreamed in Cantonese and his face was all bloodied. Stan gives Roger the third degree in private saying, "Don't talk about or do anything from 2017 here!" "I keep forgetting! Wasn't this acceptable at this time?" asked Roger.

Stan glared at Roger. " You can count on me Stan. If I go back on my word may you boil my alien jell from the inside and dissect my brain...although you'll have to take me to the movies first. Ha!"

The next day. The townspeople try to teach Roger how to shoot. "If you want to be a sheriff, you need to learns how to shoot!" said a man in a top hat and tuxedo. "They should've appointed me!" said Stan. Roger sees a beautiful woman in the crowd wearing an evening gown. Roger winks at her and says, "This is for you, girlfriend!" The man in the top hat hands Roger a gun. Still looking at the woman, Roger aims the gun at a brick building then at Stan. "Don't point that thing at me, dumbass!" yelled Stan. "Just trying to get aim here! Give me a minute stop being such a shit!" snarked Roger.

The woman in the crowd smiles at Roger and reveals she has 2 teeth. Roger screams in fear and shoots the gun and the bullet ricochets at the brick building and hitting a horse trough scaring the horses away as they neigh. The townspeople cheered for Roger. "Son, you got what it takes! Welcome aboard!" said the man in the top hat and they pick him up. Stan stares in disbelief. "How in the world do they have any hope for him?" Stan wondered how the townspeople can be so naive electing Roger as sheriff. Stan calls out to the townspeople, "Your beloved sheriff tried to blow up Manchester England.......ehhh forget it!" The day after, The townspeople want Roger to make a speech. "SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!" the crowd of townspeople chanted. So one of them hands him a envelope and Roger reads it and says, "What? Moonlight didn't win Best Picture! "

"There you go again", yelled Stan. Roger reads the envelope....

" And what is the deal with Manchester by the Sea and Fences? Who are they suppose to appeal to, there's no bitchin' or action in them and people sob about death and get drunk. It's not even the funny kind of getting drunk." chirped Roger.

"Read what's on the paper!". Commanded Stan! Roger wasn't the best reader but when he was interested nothing could stop him. Roger read the paper aloud and it said that "The Rowdy Rough Boys must be stopped!" Roger was not really much of a people person but even he believed they should be stopped.Roger makes Stan be his second in command. "From now on Stan, you will come in second. That way the townspeople can take orders from you as well." announced Roger. "All right I guess. At least I have SOME power around here." said Stan who had no choice but to be fine with Roger's decision. So Roger says "From now on, There's no laws in Mulch City!" The townspeople cheered! "I can beat my wife!" "I can cheat on my taxes!" "Oh great sheriff, tell us what what to do!" the crowd of townspeople said. "By the power vested in me, there's going to be a party tonight!" roared Roger! " Roger! This is not the time to be thinking about a party, especially around hard working people of this time." Stan tried to talk Roger out of it.

Later that night, the townspeople lined up for square dancing and Roger was singing, "swing your partner left and're all gonna get laid tonight! Swing your partner and do-si-do! Dance around and left and right, guys put your condoms on tight!" sang Roger. Everyone in the bar square dancing swinged their partner left and right.Stan is at the victrola playing a record then Roger tries to scratch it like a DJ that has the townspeople confused. The party was interrupted by gunfire.Stan and Roger were about to come face to face with the most feared outlaws. The Rowdy Rough Boys! They say, "We are the Rowdy Rough Boys! We stole a treasure and we are here to steal it back! Who's in charge here?"

As Roger and the townspeople cowered in fear. Stan was the only one who wasn't too afraid to stand up to them. "Let me handle this! " said Stan. "I'm the sheriff they want to see me!". said Roger. Stan couldn't believe why he was helping Roger when he was a moron. The Rowdy Rough Boys didn't go by their names.

The Rowdy Rough Boys come up to Roger and tell him this, "So, you're in charge, hey?". " Yes you bet! I'm going to make Mulch City Wyoming stronger together! ". answered Roger. "If you're such a great sheriff can you dance?". one of the Rowdy Rough Boys asked. "I can't dance at all....." stuttered Roger . "But I can swag! Watch this! Baby baby baby yeah Oh baby baby baby yeah! " Sang Roger as he danced. "Why the #$%& Are you singing about babies for, weirdo?". asked the leader of the Rowdy Rough Boys. "It's a Justin Bieber song!" said Roger fearfully . "What in the &%$# is Justin Bieber? Sounds like an old prospector name!" "Maybe that prospector from up the lane!"

Roger ignored their comments and continued playing Justin Bieber because it was the only thing he knows.

Stan tried to intervene. "You're making things worse!" Then tries to stand up to The Rowdy Rough Boys. "I am Stan Smith, bad guys fear me because I am the biggest ass kicking gunslinger in town!" Stan tried to heed a warning to the Rowdy Rough Boys, but then they pushed Stan away and the townspeople watched in concern. Roger walked up to some barrels full of beer. The Rowdy Rough Boys go there and Roger says, "Want to have a couple of drinkers and talk it over?". The leader punches the barrel. Beer spills out and falls into Rogers mouth leaving him in an inebriated state.

Stan was in trouble. Stan knew from past expirence that Roger became a real psycho after he found something to drink.

Not this time, the beer made Roger incapacitated and the Rowdy Rough Boys kidnap him and take the treasure back and ride off on their stagecoach.

The townspeople beg Stan to rescue the sheriff Roger. "Please bring us back our sheriff." plead a schoolmarm. "Don't worry I'm a highly trained agent. I will bring him back alive!". vowed Stan. " I will put out for you if you do, " said a hooker. "No need for that, I'm married! I never pull out my dick for diseased hookers! ". said Stan as he rode off on a horse struggling to catch up to the Rowdy Rough Boys.

Roger was now awake and about to make their kidnapping attempt drive them crazy. " Kidnapping a sheriff? You guys are lucky my best friend Stan isn't here. Now who here has some coffee?"

The Rowdy Rough Boys punch out Roger and the him up. Meanwhile, Stan was running through the desert in his horse until he is thrown off. "Lots of my cowboy heroes had to walk in the desert like this. Liam Neeseon, Jeff Bridges.....must keep going......". Stan kept walking in the merciless desert sun until he collapsed. While he was unconscious, some Indians surround Stan.

" He is white man. We must kill him before he discovers our land," said one.

" Please father," a female half the age as the first Indian whined. " He doesn't have long to live."

The Indians agreed not to kill Stan. So they take him into their village and revive him.

When Stan woke up he smelled some strange kind of smoke in the teepee he was resting in.

"How!" greeted the Indian chief . "Where is all this smoke coming from?" demanded Stan. " It's from our peace pipe! " answered the Indian. "So that's where inspiration for hippies came from, Indians!" muttered Stan. " Come join our circle. " the Indian Chief invited Stan.

Stan was sitting in the circle with the Indians. "Tell us my child. Why are you here? What is your destiny?". asked the Indian chief.

" Child? I'm all man". shouted Stan. "All right... .". Stan tells them this story but doesn't tell the Indians he was time warped from the future. "My grandfather buried a treasure outside of Mulch City. My friend and I came here for a holiday. We found the treasure and went into town and wouldn't you know it, my friend was made sheriff!" explained Stan to the Indians. Continuing on, Stan said, "My friend wasn't the best sheriff, and once we threw a party, these bandits came into town, took back the treasure and captured my friend!"

"Sounds like you had on ordeal. Come Kumo Sabi! We will train to you right those bandits!" said the Indian chief! "We will make you feared gunslinger to all that is evil!" said another Indian.

"That won't be necessary! I already have the mastery and expertise to be a gunslinger!" said Stan as he didn't want the Indians to prepare him for his big battle with the Rowdy Rough Boys.

"Okay we won't. We believe you." said the Indian Chief. The Indians did the only thing they could do after listening to Stan's story: they gave him a horse for him to ride on to where the Rowdy Rough Boys went off to.

In the Rowdy Rough boys hideout, they were proud of capturing Roger, taking back the treasure and celebrated by eating beans by the campfire and farting! "YAA HOO!!!! We sure kicked some ass didn't we!?" they erupted in the cheers. "Hoo yeah! We'll go back into town, and kill everyone!" the Rowdy Rough Boys vowed. "We got rid of that big chinned loser too!" they bragged. "Let's check on our captive shall we?" Rowdy Rough boys go into the boiler room where Roger was being held prisoner. He was bound and gagged. The Rowdy Rough Boys taunt him. "Ain't no one gonna save you now!" The Rowdy Rough boys laughed at Roger. "Who do you think it comin' for ya? That big chinned asshole!?" One of the Rowdy Rough Boys pointed his gun at Roger. "Gonna blow your head off!"

"Mmm Mmmm mmmm" mumbled Roger as he was trying to say, 'save me, Stan!'

"What an oddly shaped fellow!" said one of the Rowdy Rough Boys. "Maybe he's one of those deformed headed and crotch people!" "Always wanted to kill one of dem freaks!" "Never seen a sumbitch look like that before!" "Mmm Mmmm mmmmm mmm mmmm" Roger muffled again when he was trying to say, "I am not a Bruce Jenner type!" "Some sheriff you are!" the Rowdy Rough Boys continue to insult Roger. "Be a man and take us on!" they egged Roger on.

His mumbling was just confusing enough for the outlaw pointing a gun at him to take a minute to rethink his actions.

As Stan rode across the grasslands in the horse the Indians gave him to save Roger. Stan decides to have a little fun before he gets there.

"Now time to live like a cowboy!" Said Stan as he let out a battle cry.

He twirled his hat in the air while his horse raised its front legs to look ferocious.

On the way, Stan goes on his horse and solves crimes where ever he sees it. Stan takes down evil bandits doing a hold up. Stan stops a train derailment being done by outlaws Stan stops some moonshiners. Saves a woman from being tied to the tracks. Beats up bank robbers. And shoots up Indians.

"Hi ho Stan Smith away!" chanted Stan as he rode off on his horse.

He was almost made to be doing this cowboy mission except he was from another time.

Stan rode back to Mulch City. He mumbled under his breath "Now time to show these dumb shits who really should've been sheriff!" Along the way he saw The skeletal remains of his dead grandfather. Stan holds his head high with dignity. "I'm doing this for you, Grandpa!" Stan said in a crestfallen tone. The townspeople hoped he saved Roger and the treasure. Stan decides to give them a speech. "If you guys want your sheriff and treasure back, you will take it upon yourselves and help me take down the Rowdy Rough Boys!". The townspeople were completely stunned.

There was a loud cheer from a little boy who really wanted Stan to defeat the Rowdy Rough Boys.

"Get those bandits for me!" said the little boy. " I will. Won't let you down, son! ". Stan promised. The townspeople get on horses and follow Stans lead.

Stan was the leader and with his lead everyone would help stop the bandits.

Stan along with the townspeople were riding on their horses and were all headed to the Rowdy Rough Boys hideout.

"We have no time to lose! Their asses are mine!". screamed Stan angerly.

One Rowdy Rough Boy was riding on a horse out of his hideout pointing his old gun at Stan.

The Rowdy Rough Boy recognizes him. "There was a guy we killed who looked just like you!" he said. "That was my grand......I mean, twin brother!" Not wanting anyone to know he was from 2017. Stan beats him up and says, "Where is the Rowdy Rough Boys lair?!". he said in a demanding condemning voice. A prostitute sees Stan, rings her hands in admiration and says, "my hero!"

" The lair is under that big rock over there. I just happen to be big enough to lift it by myself," the bandit said.

"Liar"! Stan punched out the Rowdy Rough Boy. "(beep) with it I'll find it myself!". Stan and the townspeople ride to the Rowdy Rough Boys hideout and finally find it.

The Rowdy Rough Boy's inside the hideout fired through the window at where Stan was standing.

Stan climbed onto an abandoned shack. A man handed him a rope. "I'm going in, once I get out, start shooting when the Rowdy Rough Boys come out of their hideout. I'm tarzaning this mother!". said Stan advising the townspeople.

Stan tied a lasso into a tree. Stan swung into the roof of the hideout and crashed into some glass. Stan lands in the hideout armed with guns pointed at the Rowdy Rough Boys and says, "Who wants lead in their ass!". Rowdy Rough Boys laugh at him and say, "Heard of a man saving a woman, but a man savin' a man!". " must be gay lovers or sumthin '". "Stan! Thank the stars you made it!" exclaimed Roger.

" Next time try to stay closer to me Roger to make sure this doesn't happen again," Stan said to his alien friend.

Stan along with the townspeople got into an intense gun fight with the Rowdy Rough Boys. Stan untied Roger and he goes in the back and gets the treasure. "Thank you for saving me! Can I help you now?" said Roger. "You can find the treasure"! said Stan. "Really! Oh boy! I'm keeping it for myself!" said Roger running off to find the treasure.

Leave it to Roger to think more about greed then the lives of the people who saved him.

Stan and the townspeople continued to shoot up the Rowdy Rough Boys as they run out of their hideout. Roger managed to hit one of the Rowdy Rough Boys over the head with a liquor bottle. "Liquor goes to your head quicker dickhead!". said Roger "That's for kidnapping and tying me up, too!"

Overtime the Rowdy Rough Boys were dead and the townspeople rejoiced as they cheered for Stan and Roger. Stan takes the treasure away and gives it to the townspeople.

Giving away the treasure was like a Fairy Tail where the giant doesn't die because he wasn't greedy. Or another tale where murder is wrong and yet they stole and would use their money for better use.

A man in the crowd cheered, "We have ourselves a new sheriff!" A woman said, "Three Cheers for Stan Smith the greatest outlaw in all of Mulch City!" "Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!" The townspeople were so ecstatic that they pick up both Stan and Roger and throw them in the air. "They love me! They really love me!" said Stan! "See Roger! I told you I was the better man for the job!" bragged Stan. "Suppose that makes me, your lowly sex slave now?" snarked Roger as he rolled his eyes.

The tornado appears again......

Stan and Roger were the only ones sucked into the tornado.

" No! At least take me after I have western sheriff fun!" Stan yelled also crying.

The townspeople were saddened to see Stan and Roger go into the tornado.

The people of Mulch City assumed they both died. Stan and Roger were inside the tornado, that has the same time tunnel as before. The anomaly from earlier said, "You have fulfilled what your Grandfather had failed. You can go back to 2017 now!".

Then Roger and Stan found themselves back in 2017 Langley Falls. Stan looks up in the sky and says, "Finished that mission and avenged your death, Grandpa Smith! You can rest in peace now. Hope you're proud of me."

In the sky there was a old man smiling broadly down on his grandson before saluting him the way cowboys did to people they respect.

"Just like the ending to Van Helsing." said Roger . Stan realized they needed to go home somehow then they see a horse ranch and they both get on a horse. "Want to go home the Cowboy Way?". asked Stan. "Like Woody Harrelson and Kiefer Sutherland?"

"I'll even have sex with that horse over there before we go home," said Roger.

Stan and Roger were still dressed as cowboys. "Whatever Roger!" said Stan as him and Roger rode off into the sunset. "Let's surprise Francine and the CIA dressed like this!" said Roger, "They'll get a kick out of it." Stan says, "We will have to explain where we've been. Hope people believe us without us getting sent to the booby hatch!" They decide to sing a sing.

Stan and Roger sing Crash Test Dummies MMMM MMM MMM MMM! "Sure feels good to talk about modern pop culture things again!". said Roger . "Shut up and sing!". said Stan. Stan and Roger both sing together, "Once there was the girl who........"

The End
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