FicWad

Izzy

I gotta say I’m fucking thrilled to be back in LA even if I am back to living with Axl in my piece of shit one-room apartment that’s full of roaches. One of Duff’s friends had driven us all the way back home from Seattle; yeah it was in a piece of shit car with no a/c but it was a ride and it saved us from having to walk down the side of the highway in the heat and hitch rides. I think she was hoping to hook up with Duff too but she was more than a little disappointed on that front. Duff only has eyes for our little Curly Sue.

It’s pretty bad too; they’re like totally head over fucking heels in love with each other or at least in lust. They’ve moved into a little one bedroom apartment around the corner and up a block from Duff’s old apartment across the street from mine so at least they have a little more space. If they didn’t have to go to work during the day I think they’d stay inside and fuck all day. But they at least show up on time for rehearsal. We’re starting to get popular on the club scene and Curly Sue’s playing is a huge part of that. Even Axl has had to give him credit for pulling in fans.

When we came back from Seattle the kid had sat down with me and learned all of our songs and Axl, Slash, Duff, and I have written quite a few since then as well. Slash changed the lead guitar part in “Don’t Cry”, a song Axl and I wrote together so that it kicks in on the second verse instead of right away and the audience loves it and fuck can that kid play! He’s not a copycat shredder either; every other guitar player on the strip right now wants to imitate the Crue or Van Halen but not this kid. Slash’s playing is more bluesy than that, he sounds more like Joe Perry or Keith Richards than Eddie Van Halen. He’s got a real ear for those blues-rock riffs that Aerosmith seems to specialize in and he’s every damn bit as good as those guys too; better maybe in a few years.

The only downside to coming back to Los Angeles for me has been having to lie to Axl about my smack intake. I swore I would cut down if not quit altogether when we got back from Seattle but honestly it’s only gotten worse. I shoot up in the morning while Axl’s in the shower and then I find an excuse to go out later so I can shoot up again. I’m hiding my works and my supply at Duff and Slash’s apartment in the back of their toilet tank. Slash knows what I’m up to and he covers for me. I’ve been trying to use the tops of my feet and the insides of my thighs to shoot; I can keep socks on and Axl doesn’t spend a whole lot of time staring at my thighs. I know Axl doesn’t think I’m clean by any means but he does think I’m down to like one hit per day and not two or three or more if shit’s getting out of control.

Axl just doesn’t get it. Axl doesn’t seem to understand that I just can’t deal with myself sometimes. When you wake up and the depression is so bad that all you want to do is burst into tears as soon as your eyes open because you’re still alive you’ll do anything to get rid of that feeling. I can’t even fucking tell you what I’m depressed over, I just am! Some days I fucking hate life! I hate every fucking thing about it and all I want to do is draw up a big fucking hit and be dead before I even emptied the needle but I don’t because of Axl. Loving somebody else is supposed to be a beautiful fucking thing but sometimes it’s a raw deal; when you love someone, really love them, you put their needs ahead of yours so in my case I put Axl first. Axl needs me to stay sane, to stay alive, to be a rock star, and just to be there and love him so I can’t just up and fucking leave this world; even when my whole body literally throbs with so much pain that I’d do just about anything to make it stop. I don’t know what happened since we got back from the Seattle trip but my emotions have taken a nose dive. Axl isn’t really helping either; he’s prickly as hell lately and when I’m this far down in the black chasm of my soul I could use some compassion and understanding. I could really use his arms wrapped around me telling me it’s going to be ok. I could use one night of him really making love to me and putting some fucking effort into his emotions. I feel like the last time that happened we were on what I figured out was ecstasy. I’ll take pain over apathy though; those times when I don’t feel anything. Apathy is an emotion that brings about suicidal thoughts.

I spend my afternoons at Slash and Duff’s apartment hanging out with either both of them or just Slash watching TV and nodding out. Slash usually has to be at work at like six in the morning so he’s home by 1 because he works at a newsstand and they open early so all the morning commuters can stop and buy newspapers on the way to work. Duff’s working in a restaurant as a pastry chef but he works different shifts. Sometimes he goes in early and cooks desserts for lunch and sometimes he goes around lunch time and gets the stuff ready for dinner. I love hanging out with Slash; he makes me laugh at times that I feel like even smiling is a major effort, he’s a good listener and he never looks at me like I’m an idiot or there’s something wrong with me for the way I feel. He also doesn’t treat me any differently because I’m a junkie. People tend to either avoid you or disassociate from you altogether if you’re a junkie; that or they use you to get their own shit. But Slash doesn’t do either of those things, he seems to just like me for who I am and enjoys being my friend.

At this second I’m crashed out on their couch and Slash is lounging in a recliner sipping cheap beer and we’re watching pointless game shows. Duff’s getting ready to leave which means it won’t be too long until I can get high; I try not to do it when Duff’s around too much because I know he worries about me being on smack due to his past experiences with the shit. I look up when I hear him walk into the room. He laughs at the two of us and asks “Is this what the two of you are going to do all day again?”

“Maybe,” I answer and smirk at him, “maybe not, I brought my guitar so it’s a safe bet that we’ll play sometime today.”

He walks over to the recliner where Slash is sitting and pulls him out of it and collapses into it himself pulling his curly haired lover down into his lap. “How was work baby?" he asks. I look over at the two of them; Duff's got one arm around Slash’s waist and the other hand is holding one of Slash’s and he’s stroking it with his thumb. Why can’t Axl ever just come into the room and hold me like that? God right now I’d do anything to just be held like that for a while. I get up and make my way back to the bathroom so I can get my fix and get away from the snuggle-fest in the living room. Sometimes Duff and Slash’s relationship makes me feel worse than anything because they’re so fucking sweet to each other.

Once I’m safely locked in their bathroom I quietly remove the lid of their toilet tank and untape the works and the smack I have sealed inside of three plastic bags from their toilet lid. I carefully mix the hard, brown rock of compressed powder with a little water in my bent, burnt, spoon and cook the shit down until all of the powder’s dissolved. Then I tear a piece of cotton from the wad I have sealed in the bag to use for a filter and draw up my shot. The minute that shit hits my veins I feel better. I slump back against the door as the chemicals hit my brain and sigh in relief. I quickly seal everything back up in the bags and tape it all back onto the ceramic lid of the toilet and put everything back together and then flush the toilet and wash my hands so it’ll sound like I’ve taken a piss if Duff’s listening. I feel like I can handle Slash and Duff’s obvious affection for one another now. I wonder if they’ve said “I love you” to each other yet? It’s pretty obvious to me that they do love each other but fuck, who am I to judge. Anyone who’s that sickeningly sweet to another person though obviously has major feelings for them.

I know it’s because everything’s new for them; I remember how that was. For that first year or so you’re with somebody you’re so in love and lustful that you can’t keep your hands off of each other. Love changes over the years and you appreciate the person more with each passing day but you become complacent too and all of that affection you showed each other in the beginning slowly fades away until it becomes a shadow of itself and what it once was. Axl and I are at that point and it fucking hurts. I miss falling asleep after marathon sex so tangled up in each other that we couldn’t tell where one of us ended and the other one began. I miss the constant sweet kisses and hand holding. I missed how he used to smile every time he saw me. I missed how my heart used to light up when he walked into a room. Now it sort of does a double take because I don’t know if he’s going to tear into me about something or not.

Axl has his own mental issues. Sometimes I swear he’s downright psychotic and his moods swing from absolutely elated to suicidal in minutes. It’s like there’s a switch inside him that flips from happiness to sadness; from calm to violently angry. It’s the anger that gets to me the most because it gets taken out on me quite a bit. Sometimes I swear to God he creates issues just so he has someone to vent all of his rage and pain at. He’s never hit me or anything but I’m just waiting on that day to come. He doesn’t seem to have any problem screaming at me or throwing shit in my direction. I know I get angry at him too but it’s not on the same level as the shit that I’m getting lately. Yesterday he told me I was nothing but a piece of shit junkie drug dealer that would never amount to anything because he knew I was high. Here’s the thing; I can cope with being high just fine. Being high brings out some creative force in me and also puts up a shield between my heart and mind and the rest of the world so that I can function and not be in pain; Axl gets that but he doesn’t care. He says it makes me emotionally unavailable. Bullshit. It makes me able to tolerate my emotions without slitting my wrists.

I’ve started drawing black lightning bolts on my wrists when I start thinking about cutting them. I don’t want to mess up my artwork so I know I won’t let a razor anywhere near them with pictures inked onto my skin. Axl hasn’t figured out why the fuck I do that shit yet. He just always looks at me kind of funny when he sees some kind of drawing on my arm.

Duff and Slash finally end their lovey dovey conversation with some exchanging of spit as I flop back onto the couch and Duff leaves for work. I try and concentrate very hard on “Name That Tune” and ignore the soft kisses and quiet goodbyes being said at the door. When Slash reclaims his position in the recliner he looks over at me. I can feel his eyes boring into the top of my head and the side of my face but I refuse to look at him. “What’s up Izz? I know something’s wrong, you’ve been frozen like a statue on that couch for over 5 minutes now so don’t try and give me that “I’m fine everything’s cool” bulllshit either,” he says, “I know better. Something’s been eating at you since we got back from Seattle.”

“It’s nothing,” I snap, never moving my eyes from the TV.

“Izzy getting angry at me isn’t going to work, that shit might work on Axl but I’m not him,” Slash states matter of factly. I know something’s making you unhappy Izzy, it might help to talk about it. I’m not going to tell anybody so if you want to talk about it you’re perfectly safe talking about it here with me. We’re a band remember? We look out for each other and honestly for the past couple of weeks you’ve looked really down and lost and in need of a friend. We’re all here for you man, isn’t that what you told me? We look out for each other; now what’s wrong?”

I sigh. “Who knew you were so observant?” I say sarcastically and scowl up at him.

“I’m every bit as observant as you; what I choose to do with my observations and what you do with yours are just different. Now, spill it before I have to come over there and beat it out of you or something,” he jokes.

“Fine,” I reply giving in to his prodding. “Slash I don’t even know where to fucking start it’s so many things. One thing you should know about me is that sometimes, a lot of the time, I get really fucking depressed. Like so depressed that I could spend all day fucking crying if I let myself think about it or feel it very much; that’s why I stay high, so I don’t have to feel the pain. Smack not only numbs you it makes you happier, sometimes it even fucking energizes me; it makes me able to pour my heart out into my guitar and into lyrics, but the one thing it always does is stop the pain. Half the time I couldn’t even tell you why I was hurting, it’s not like something obviously happened that would cause me to feel that way; it’s way more complicated than that and totally baseless at the same time.

But right now on top of all that Axl’s been a total bitch since I got dope sick that night we stayed with Duff’s friend and he had to go out with Duff and score for me. I know he’s not happy about it but honestly after all these years of being together you'd think he would realize that yelling at me and being angry at me isn’t the way to get through to me. All it does is hurt me and when he hurts me I just turn it into anger so I can push him away and cut myself off from him you know?” Slash nods at me. “Sometimes I get high just because I know it pisses him off! I know he’s worried about me and hurt that I can’t seem to keep my promises about quitting but you know I might if he’d just sit me down and tell me he loved me and why he was so adamant about me not shooting up I might actually give it a shot.

Do you know what I would give for Axl and I to go back to where you and Duff are? We used to be like that Slash, fuck, Axl and I couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and he told me how much he loved me every day. We’d spend hours in bed with each other; not just fucking but just cuddling and talking and hanging out and when we did have sex it wasn’t just sex it was making love. I poured my heart out through my body every single time we were together and sometimes I still do but I don’t feel like he does. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even want me; he just wants to get off and I’m a convenient way to make that happen. The last time I felt like he loved me as much as I loved him was when we were fucking high on that escstasy we got from those chicks! We both had to be high as fuck to connect with each other, how fucked up is that? I know Axl thinks I’m a cold mother fucker sometimes or that I don’t have feelings or something but I do; I just feel like I can’t show them to him anymore because he’s either going to make fun of me or use them to hurt me somehow.

Sometimes he’s so hateful! He’ll yell and scream and call me names and throw shit at me for no fucking reason! He takes shit out on me that I have nothing to do with! He got in trouble at work the other day at Tower and he came home and yelled at me because he didn’t think I was paying attention when he was telling me about it! All I did was stand up and walk over to the counter to get my cigarettes! I walked a total of six feet across the room to get a smoke and he had a total meltdown and then wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the night! I let him alone for an hour or so to cool off, I just left and walked around so he could have some space. When I came back I tried to hold him, to tell him I was sorry as if I had anything to be sorry about and he told me to get the fuck off of him that he didn’t want some asshole junkie touching him! It felt like somebody fucking stabbed me in the heart; it hurt so bad Slash! I just went in the bathroom and stood in the shower and cried so he couldn’t hear me! When I came out he was gone and didn’t come home until like four in the morning; I have no idea where the fuck he went either and I didn’t ask.

Slash I love him so much! What do I do? He’s breaking my heart and the cracks get bigger and bigger every day!” Great, I’m crying now. I can’t believe I blurted all of that out to Curly just now. What is it about this kid that makes me feel safe and totally trust him? He seems to feel the same way about me though; maybe it was that whole incident with the trucker. I was so relieved that he was ok and that I was able to get him out of that situation that I could have kissed him! I couldn’t help Axl when the same thing happened to him and that’s been breaking my heart in a way for years even though I wasn’t even there. But the reason I wasn’t there was because we had a fight the night before he left and he decided skipping town would be a good way to make me pay for hurting him; he knew that if he left I would be worried sick and that I would be hurting just as bad as he was. It was his twisted fucking form of revenge and it almost got his ass raped! It was like salvation for me when I knocked out the trucker who was attacking Slash; it washed away some of the pain for me surrounding the incident with Axl and helped me stop blaming myself so much. I think Slash figured out that day that he could count on me to be there if he was ever in trouble and that I care about my friends. I helped him when was terrified and got him out of a bad situation so I know why he trusts me and it means a lot; knowing that he puts that much faith in me makes me never want to let him down in any way. If Axl believed in me that much I’d work so hard to never let him down either but lately I feel like he thinks I’m nothing more than a fucked up loser or at least that’s how he treats me. Fucking smack sure wasn’t helping with the numbing of emotions at this second. I hate fucking crying! Crying’s for pussies and girls and I’m neither so it’s downright embarrassing.

Slash moves over onto edge of the couch where I’m sitting and I quickly wipe the tears off of my face. I’m sure he’s just thrilled to have his blubbering, smacked out, friend parked on his couch for the day but he surprises me and pulls me into a hug. “Izz, I’m sorry you’re hurting so much and I wish I could make it better for you. You know you’re welcome here any time for any reason and that Duff and I are always going to be here for you when you need us; even if all we can do is listen and drink a beer with you,” Slash says quietly, still hugging me.

“Thanks man,” I sniff and pull away. “I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you just now.”

“Izzy, it’s fine, that’s what friends are for. You’re not dumping anything on me; friends listen to each other, they support each other. When was the last time you had a real friend?” he asks.

“I don’t fucking know, not until I met Duff and then you. You two are the only people I’ve met that are worth trusting for a long time. That’s the other thing that’s bugging me; I feel like as a band we’re amazing. I don’t want things between Axl and me to fall apart and ruin that. All I’ve ever dreamed about was playing music; it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and now that we’re finally starting to get somewhere instead of bringing me and Axl closer we’re falling apart,” I all but sob.

Slash’s hand comes up and starts rubbing my back soothingly. “Hey, Izz, it’s ok, or it will be,” he says quietly. “Have you tried telling him all of the things you just told me? Not during an argument but just telling him that you really need to talk to him about something important and then sitting him down and telling him how you’re feeling lately? Maybe he’d listen if you did it that way. I think despite what an asshole he’s being that he really loves you; I’ve seen how he looks at you when you’re not watching sometimes, I saw you two that day in the ocean together and how he touched you, he does love you Izzy. Maybe he just needs to be reminded how much and what that means.”

I look at the kid for a second; when did he get so wise to the ways of the world? Maybe he always has been and I just haven’t been giving him enough credit. “You’re right; I really need to talk to him or this isn’t going to get any better. I just suck at this emotional shit with Axl sometimes. He’s the only person who can hurt me enough to rip my heart out and I usually end up a blubbering mess that can’t talk or a pissed off asshole because he says something new to hurt me and I get mad,” I tell him. “But you’re right, I have to say something or things are only going to get worse. I’ll do it tonight, or I’ll try anyway, depends on if he’s in the mood to listen or not. Thanks man.”

“Yeah, anytime. You want a beer?” Slash asks as he stands up.

“Sure,” I reply and he goes into the kitchen and comes back with a can of Bud Lite. I gratefully take it and sink back into the couch with my feet propped up on the plywood and milk crates that form a makeshift coffee table. We drink and watch TV for a while in silence and eventually I fall asleep. I work mostly at night selling dope out of my apartment; my ground floor window functioning like a drive-through so I sleep over here a lot during the day. I know I could sleep in my own bed since Axl’s working for most of the day but I don’t really want to be alone even if I am asleep; I’m lonely enough as it is and this way customers aren’t bugging me banging on my window during the day either. Duff and Slash said they don’t mind; Steven’s here a lot of the time too, that trip to Seattle really bonded us all as friends so having each other underfoot all the time isn’t a big deal. If the two lovebirds want to be alone they just go back into their bedroom and tell me and whoever else is hanging around that the house is all ours and if we drink all of the beer to go buy more at the gas station on the corner before we head home for the night. It means a lot to me to have friends like them.

Slash wakes me up several hours later and tells me that Duff will be home soon and he’s ordering pizza for dinner and asks me if I want anything besides pizza. I tell him no, that I’m going to eat dinner at home, maybe make dinner for Axl, he’ll like that. Slash goes and orders the pizza and then comes back and takes his place in the chair where he’s been dozing all afternoon as well; getting up early in the morning after staying up really late at night puts his sleep schedule pretty much in line with mine. “What time is Duff coming home?” I ask him.

“Probably in about half an hour or so,” he yawns.

“So, have you two said the big “I love you” to each other yet?” I inquire raising and lowering my eyebrows at him.

Slash blushes, his whole face and neck turning bright red and he ducks behind his hair. “No, not yet,” he answers.

“Do you love him?” I tease. “Or do you just make googly eyes at him so you can get laid?”

“Shut up fucker!” Slash says good naturedly. “Honestly though I’m pretty sure I do love him. I started majorly falling for him the first time we slept together and now, shit, I’m not pretty sure I love him; I know I love him. Does that make me sound like a girl? The whole “We had sex and now I’m in love?” thing?"

“It kind of makes you sound like a girl,” I laugh, “but I know giving yourself to somebody like that, trusting them enough to take you and not the other way around really does a number on you. I guess that’s how chicks feel and why they always get upset when we have sex with them and don’t ever call them again! Has he let you top?”
Slash blushes again. “Yeah, he’s let me top. I was afraid I wouldn’t do it right or something but shit Izzy he came hard without me even touching his dick; I tried to and he swatted my hand away and said he didn’t need it and he got off about 30 seconds later! Apparently I did do it right!” The kid grins; he is inordinately proud of himself.

“Keep switching it up, if you both take top and bottom sometimes it keeps you in tune with what the other person is feeling; just go with whatever the mood is. Don’t get stuck taking one role all the time. Trust me, it’ll make the two of you that much closer because it means that both of you have to be vulnerable to the other every now and then. Are you happy?”

“He makes me so happy Izzy! I feel like this is what I’ve been looking for for years. I started having sex when I was 13 but it never meant anything the way it does with Duff; relationships period usually didn’t mean that much to me but with him it’s different. I feel like I’m floating half the time and I want him to be just as happy as I am. He means so much to me,” Slash gushes.

“Yeah kid, you’re in love. Enjoy it!” I tell him and smile. He just grins back. “Ok, I need another hit before I go home; Axl won’t be home for a couple of hours so he won’t know."

“Be careful Izzy,” Slash warns me as I get up and walk down the hall.

“I’ll be fine Curly Sue, don’t worry,” I yell back. I get my fix and walk back down the hall and to the front door. I unlock it and Slash stands up to walk me out. “Thanks for today man; it meant a lot having somebody there to listen who actually cared,” I tell him.

“Sure, no problem,” Slash replies and claps me on the back. I smile at him and then pull him into a hug. At that second the door opens and Duff walks in followed by Axl. Axl, what the fuck is he doing home early?

“What the fuck?” Axl snarls.

I pull away from Slash and look down at Axl. “Baby, don’t get wound up, you hug your friends sometimes too,” I say soothingly and reach out to stroke his cheek. “How come you’re off work early? It’s a nice surprise. I was going to make you dinner, I’ll still make you dinner if you want.”

“You’re fucking smacked out! Is this what you do all day? Come over here and get fucked up and hug all over the fucking kid?” Axl screeches.

“No Axl, it’s not like that,” Duff interjects. “He doesn’t like being by himself all day when you’re gone so he and Steven come over here and hang out a lot, shit so do you for that matter!” I notice Duff has circled his arm protectively around Slash’s waist and has him pulled against his body and out of range of Axl’s fists.

“Yeah but I come over here with my boyfriend; I don’t come over alone and touch all over either one of you!” Axl hisses.

“He wasn’t touching all over me dude!” Slash protests. “He was leaving to go home and make a nice meal for your ungrateful ass, he just hugged me before he left, what’s the big deal? I thought we were all friends! Would you get it through your thick head that there is absolutely nothing going on between Izzy and me? Do you see Duff worrying about this shit? No, you don’t, because he has enough sense to know that there’s nothing to worry about! Man you need to stop being so jealous and mean all the time! Izzy fucking loves you, give him a break!”

“Oh, what are you Izzy’s big defender now?” Axl yells getting up in Slash’s face.

“That’s enough Axl,” Duff growls, his hackles rising at the threat to his lover. “Back off and get out of Slash’s face. He didn’t do anything and neither did Izzy; end of story.”

“Fucking right it’s the end; I don’t need to be friends with anyone who let’s my fucking boyfriend come over to their house, lets him get smacked out, and then puts their hands all over him! You know I don’t want him on dope and you let him do it anyway! Fuck this! Fuck all of you!” Axl screams and then turns around and stomps out!

“Axl!” I call out and follow him, grabbing his shoulder.

“Get your hands off of me you lying fucking junkie!” he snarls as he whirls around. The next thing I see is a fist flying towards my face and pain explodes in my mouth and cheek. I don’t fight back, I don’t even say anything; I just stand there stunned. I feel blood running down my chin from what I’m guessing is a busted lip. Axl just snorts in disgust and saunters off and all I can do is watch him go.