FicWad

Axl

Finally Duff and Slash leave without swaying me to go back to Izzy. I just can't keep repeating the cycle. One of us has to fucking break it and obviously it's not going to be Izzy. Why couldn't he see what that shit had done to him? He was heroins fucking puppet. He was one step away from being the junkie bums you see sleeping under news papers in fucking alleys.

I miss the old Izzy who used to let me sneak in his window when Steven Bailey beat the shit out of me. He would always clean me up, bandage my wounds, and give them all a kiss to make them better. Izzy always made everything better.

And when Amy was being raped by that bastard in the next room Izzy would always help me plot ways to fucking kill him. And let me tell you something, Izzy has a pretty twisted mind under his easy going facade. He even had a dozen flawless ways of how to dispose of the body. We never killed the bastard, but to this day I wish we had.

I miss the fun times me and Izzy used to have before the smack. We were so in tune we could finish one anothers sentences. But now it's like Izzy's reactions are so delayed he's on a whole different page.

And what I miss the most was how in love we once seemed. We couldn't keep our hands off one another. But now when he touches me it doesn't even feel the same. Even the sex is different. Sometimes now I can't even get him off for all the smack. I quit trying to top a long time ago because I would have to fuck him till my dick was raw just to get him off. It just goes quicker when I let him fuck me.

There used to be so much passion in his eyes, but now they're just hollow and blank. He's like fucking Spock from Star Trek who doesn't have emotions. Izzy stayed so numb;you could tell how hard it was for him to even laugh at funny things anymore. He used to be so funny; so easy going and able to find humor in anything. I missed his beautiful smile, and he used to smile almost as much as Steven does. But those days are gone. MY Izzy is gone.

You'll never understand what it's like to watch someone you love change like that. It didn't happen overnight. In the beginning when we were both on it it was fun. We didn't used to get sick when we weren't on it. But within six months we were. But it's hard to notice the problem when you're knee deep in it.

After watching Desi die it changed both of us. My guilt set me straight but Izzy just couldn't deal with it; he turned to smack to deal with it. Then every day a little got to be more and more. And considering Desi was the roof over our heads, we were living on the streets and wherever we could shack up at. That was when Izzy started dealing which made his habit even fucking worse.

I hated Izzy being a dealer! It was terrifying to think of him out there dealing with smacked out scumbags! I made him go out and get a gun for protection. I worried about him getting busted and sent to prison; he did get busted once. Luckily he only had one fold of smack on him and was able to ditch the gun to avoid a weapons charge. After that he got a lot smarter with his dealing but I still fucking hated it. Him being a dealer allowed him to stay smacked out for fucking free.

I finally cry myself to sleep thinking of the good old days before heroin. God how I longed for them. Back when Izzy was perfect in my eyes. Back when he only had eyes for me; when he used to tell me and show me a hundred times a day how much I meant to him.
I'm awakened sometime in the night to gentle calloused fingers stroking my cheek. I open my eyes and see Izzy's shadowed figure next to me.

"Izzy what are you doing here?" I frown.

"I miss you darlin. I can't even go home because you're not there. I'm so sorry for lying to you Axe...I just can't stop...but I swear to God I'll cut back. I'll even let you hold the shit so you can control it." I can hear him sniffle and I know he's crying, even if I can't see it.

"We tried that once before Izz, remember?" I sigh, "You fucking beat the shit out of me, stole the stash, and disappeared for three fucking days! You came back so smacked out you could barely fucking walk!"

"It'll be different this time, I swear," he says in the softest voice. But I know him so well I can hear the doubt in it.

"No it wont. It never fucking is," I say reaching out for a cigarette from the floor next to where I lay.

"Please Axe," he sniffles, "I don't know how to fucking live without you. It's always been just you and me;I don't want that to change!"

"Izz," I sigh with an exhale.

"Doesn't it say in your bible that love is patience and kindness and forgiveness and shit?"

And there he goes with the fucking religious shit trying to control me. You can't tell me that little fucker doesn't study the damn bible for times like this. Damn him! "Don't you throw that religious shit in my face you little athiest shit! It's not going to work this time;'m done Izzy! I'm fucking done spending my time with a goddamn junkie!"

I can see him wiping his tears away, "That's all I am huh? Some fucking junkie?"

"Yes!" I snap.

"Well while you're sitting in your throne there Axl why don't you try to remember who it was that got us where we are now. It sure wasn't the fucking preachers kid!"

I reach up and smack him; he doesn't even flinch.

"Hit me if it makes you feel better Axe, I'm used to it," he dryly says.

"Fuck you," I hiss.

"Axl Im begging you, don't fucking do this to us," he pleads.

"I'm not doing shit to us Izzy, that's what you fail to realize. It's all that shit you shoot into your veins that's doing this shit to us!"

"There's nothing we can't do together darlin," he lovingly strokes my cheek again.

I huff, "Yeah, nothing but get you fucking clean."

""Baby you know how many times I've tried before..."

"You could if you fucking wanted to," I cut him off. "The Izzy I love can do whatever the fuck he sets his mind to."

He looks away from me, "You ever stop to think about your role in my problem Axe?"

"My fucking role? Im not the one shooting you up...well at least when you're capable of doing it by yourself."

"You turned so cold towards me Axl," He whispers. "You treat me like a junkie curr dog."

"Well if the fucking shoe fits."

"I might not turn to a fucking needle so often if you weren't always bitching at me and saying mean shit," he almost sobs.

"Well if you weren't a fucking junkie I'd have no reason to say it, would I?"