FicWad

Two weeks pass after Axl and I have our confrontation in the alley. Two weeks in which I consider getting clean but decide that if we have to be apart I’m really not interested; I need the smack to at least take the edge off of the jagged hole that’s left inside of me. Maybe that’s a selfish way to look at things; I guess I could look at it like I should try and make myself a better person or something so he’ll think I’m worth being with but fuck that shit! If Axl didn’t love me for who I was take it or leave it then I wasn’t interested! If he wasn’t going to be with me then I was going to numb the pain and any other emotion that I might think of having. I felt nothing; no happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing. The only emotion that even slightly registered was the pain where Axl used to be and even that was down to an annoying twinge. I spend my nights dealing and my days lounging around and sleeping in an inebriated haze with Slash or Slash and Duff; depending on whose home.

If Duff’s home I mostly sleep 1) so he and Slash can be alone and fuck and not wonder if I’m listening which yeah, if I’m awake I’m listening, it’s a small apartment, and 2) Duff doesn’t like me getting high period so he doesn’t need to know quite how fucked up I really am. If it’s only Slash and me at home I get so high I can barely stand up straight and spend the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep while we watch stupid shit on TV and he reads. He’s actually gotten me reading every now and then too; Stephen King and vampire novels Sometimes we sit around and analyze this garbage. We have band practice every night and we’re getting better and better. We have a Friday night show booked this week at the Roxy! A Friday night show! It’s pay to play so we’ve been hitting up everyone we know to buy tickets and to get their friends to buy tickets and we’re almost sold out! People have heard of us and have watched us play during the week and they actually like the music; we’re getting to be pretty big on the club circuit!

The fact that we seem to be moving upwards in the music business is one of the only things that makes me happy and there are very few of those things. Three in fact: 1. Music
2. Angela who has come back to see me a few times since the night I pretended to fuck her and gave her boyfriend free dope. She’s cute and she’s funny and she asks way too many questions but I like her and I think she likes me and she’s a good kisser; I just don’t want her to fall for me because my heart still belongs to Axl.

3.Slash and Duff, mostly Slash. They’re the best friends a guy could have. They gave me a place to stay and went out and bought me a blanket and pillow and freaking bed sheets. They let me take over their couch and they’ve never complained, not once where I could hear anyway. I also just feel really close to the kid; he’s a good listener and he doesn’t judge me for my drug use or anything else. He just warns me to be careful every now and then hangs out with me we work on songs.

Slash and Duff and I worked out a beat and bass, rhythm, and lead guitar parts for “Don’t Cry” and that took less than an hour. We make a great team. Put guitars in our hands and magic is what flows out. Also, I have a guilty secret about the kid: I would totally fuck his brains out. I want to wrap those black curls around my hand and fuck him senseless! It’s killing me because I hear Duff doing it every night and I jack off to their sex noises. I need to get laid for real and get this shit off of my mind because it isn’t going to happen! Slash belongs to Duff and I’m not fucking that up, even my dirty little mind isn’t going to fuck it up!

I must be lost in thought and that’s not a good thing to be around 3:00am in a dark alley in downtown LA.. A shadow is standing in front of me where I’m squatting on the ground and a gun is pointed straight at my head. I look up and the hammer clicks; cocking the gun. It’s the guy who brought Angela here and traded her to me for dope. “Where the fuck’s Angie?” he growls.

“How the fuck would I know?” I snarl back at him. “What am I, her fucking keeper? Thought that was your job asshole.” I just sit there, staring the guy in the face; willing myself not to move, not to show fear. Inside I’m a terrified, screaming mess. But I just take a deep breath and stare the guy straight in the eye. I haven’t seen Angela since yesterday and I don’t know where she is,” I tell the fucker in a flat, steady voice.

The guy is getting ready to answer me when a shiny, silver, straight razor is in pressed to his throat from behind. “He said he doesn’t know where the girl is, now get the fuck out of here before I slit your throat.” The razor scrapes across the guy’s neck causing tiny beads of blood to form on his skin. I can’t see who’s holding it because of the shadows but I’d know the voice anywhere; Axl. Thank fucking God. “Give me your fucking gun dude.” The man hesitates. Axl slices deeper and the man moves his gun backwards and Axl takes it and then tosses it to me. I stand up and point it at the guys head.

“Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back. Don’t go looking for Angie either because where ever she is it’s better than being with you. No go on, get out of here you fuckface!” I yell. Axl turns the man around and shoves him away and he takes off running. We wait until he’s out of sight and has been for about 30 seconds before we turn to each other. “Axl what the fuck are you doing down here? You could have gotten killed! I thought I was going to get killed! You saved my life you fucking crazy son of a bitch!” At this point I just start sobbing because anything concerning Axl makes me overly emotional and I can’t handle it.
Axl doesn’t answer he just throws himself into my arms as hard as he can and nearly knocks me over. He’s sobbing too. “Izzy you stupid fucker what were you doing sitting around daydreaming? Huh? You know that’s a good way to get killed and you almost did! What the fuck were you thinking about?”
“You dumbass! You’re all I think about! Don’t tell me you don’t think about me either or you wouldn’t have stuffed that song under my front door for “Slash and Duff” and you wouldn’t have been here tonight! I know you’re thinking about me no matter what you try and tell yourself I know you’re thinking about me and you miss me Fireball! So why don’t you stop being a shit and admit that you still love me and you always will! That no matter what I’m still there in your heart and even Erin can’t get rid of me! She might distract you from the heaviness of us for a while but I’m always there just like you’re always inside of me no matter what I do to try and get rid of your ass; you’re always still fucking there Axl! I can’t quit you!” That’s all I can manage to spit out before I collapse against the wall sobbing like there’s no tomorrow; but I’m not allowed to collapse all the way; my back never touches the wall. Arms pull me forward against a warm chest and holds me there. A hand reaches up and softly strokes my hair and rubs up and down my back. A soft voice tells me to relax, don’t cry, that everything’s going to be fine. “Then that same voice turns those words into a song and Axl sings to me softly
“Don’t you cry tonight, I still love you baby, don’t you cry tonight
Don’t you cryyyyy tonight there’s a heaven above you baby and don’t you cry tonight”
“I wrote that for you Izzy,” he whispers.

“I know Axe,” I choke. “What are you doing here? Because if your arms aren’t around me because you want me back then please just go because I don’t think I can take it for one more second if you’re not going to stay. If you just came to check on me like the other night and just happened onto this situation and bailed me out of some trouble but you don’t want me then go. I’m dying inside for you to stay; I mean I’m literally in so much pain right now I feel like I’m dying but if you’re going to go then go now before there’s nothing left of me and I burn up into ashes.”

“Shh my Dark Angel, I’m not going to let go. I’ve thought about it, I’ve fought myself over it, I’ve tried to pretend that Erin makes me happier than you, that I could be complete with her but it’s a lie; not even fucking close to the truth. You’re still there in everything I do and say and think. It’s like there is no me without you. I know I’ve been awful to you, I’ve screamed at you, thrown things at you, I beat you until you were unconscious so that you’d stop making that awful keening noise when I broke up with you. Izzy if a soul shattering ever made a sound that would have been it; I’ve never heard anyone make a noise that broken and lost before and I don’t ever want to hear it again. But I realized that these past few weeks I’ve been making the same noise inside. Every time I wake up and you’re not there, every time I roll over to put my arms around you and there’s nothing but air, every time I have something I want to tell you and I realize that you won’t be there to tell; Izzy I can’t do this anymore smack or no smack, I love you too much to let you go. I don’t want you on that shit but this isn’t working for either of us and if you’ll have me back maybe we can do this together? I should have realized I was just throwing you deeper into darkness but I thought maybe you’d hit bottom and want to come back up but you seem like you’re ok sitting on the bottom without me. I’m sitting in hell without you. Can we give this another chance, please? Will you take me back? Please baby?” Axl begs.

I just stand there in his arms in stunned silence. This is what I’ve wanted to hear; this is what I’ve needed for so long. I just lose it again sobbing and he gently kisses my forehead and takes my hand and says “Come on baby, let’s go home,” and starts pulling me towards our apartment. He’s got it cleaned up nicely and the bed’s turned down and there are rose petals? (am I seeing right?) on the blankets.

“Axl are those rose petals? For me?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yeah, they’re for you, I was hoping you’d come with me. I was coming to talk to you, I just happened to run into tall dark and scary,” he answers.

“For me? Really?” I ask again. “What if I hadn’t come with you?”

“Then that fucking scraggly rose bush in front of the rental office would have lost it’s only two flowers for nothing! Look, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done anything romantic for you, shit it’s been a long time since I showed you I cared period. So yeah, roses for you angel.” My eyes tear up again. “Hey no more crying. Go shower up and wash your face. I’ll be waiting right here,” he promises.

I nod and walk towards the bathroom. I shower in silence; too stunned to think in words. My heart doesn’t know what to feel; is this really happening? Did he really come and get me and bring me back to our apartment and put rose petals on our bed? I get out and dry off and step out of the bathroom and he’s sprawled across the bed naked. He was beautiful in the lamplight. His skin porcelain white; his green eyes as nervous as mine. I approach the bed cautiously, still expecting some kind of trick but there is none. I sit down next to him and he sits up and kisses me softly. I whimper. “Shh Izzy, I’m here now, don’t cry anymore, don’t worry, don’t be lonely or sad. I know I broke your heart even though I just wanted to make you better but I did the wrong thing. But I’m here now and I love you Izz; I love you so much.” I can hear the quaver in his voice and I look up and see tears in his those beautiful green windows to his soul and I know he means what he said.

“I love you too Axl; I never stopped. I feel like I’ve been walking in some black daze for the past few weeks. My heart’s been dying for you Axe; I was so broken!” I breathe, desperate to let go of the sadness.

“I know baby, I know, but it’s over now. I’m here. Let me make love to you Izzy; it’s been so long since I’ve really made love to you, please?”

“Are you going to be here in the morning Axl or am I gonna wake up alone? I can’t handle waking up alone.”

“You won’t wake up alone Izz, I swear; I’ll be right here with my arms around you when you wake up. Come on, lay back, let me show you what I feel.” Axl whispers and I let him ease me back onto the bed. I let him lay me down and begin to kiss me softly, running his hands slowly over my chest, down my arms, stroking my cheek, getting me good and relaxed, making sure I’m enjoying his touch. Then he deepens the kiss and rids me of the towel that’s the only barrier between us and sighs happily when he sees my nakedness. “Izzy I’d forgotten how beautiful you are,” he purrs.

“Nah, I’m pretty sure you’re the beautiful one Fireball,” I whisper. A grin lights up his face.
“I love it when you call me that baby.” I smile back at him and his kisses move down my neck into my collar bone pulling a little cry out of me when he nips the sensitive skin there. He trails down my chest with his lips and tongue and down over my belly button; swirling his tongue around it and dipping it in, making me grunt quietly. He smiles up at me evilly from between my legs.

“What are you up to?” I ask.

“This,” he says and moves up and swallows my cock, taking down into his throat. I yell and arch up off the bed and one hand reaches under to massage and tug at my balls drawing another groan out of my mouth. He doesn’t slow down either; he continues to suck me off; moving his mouth up and down my shaft and letting me thrust, not even trying to hold my hips down so that I’m more or less fucking his mouth. Then he hums around my dick and I scream out his name as my cum shoots deep into his throat and mouth as he continues to slide up and down; milking me dry.

When he’s sure that there’s not another drop in me he lets go and crawls back up over me and asks “Did you like that?” All I can do is nod. I’m speechless at this second; lost in a cloud of bliss because it’s been so long since he’s focused on me that way. His lips meet mine again and I start to drown in his kisses. I can taste myself in his mouth but I don’t care. I twine my arms around him and kiss him for all that I’m worth. He sits up and looks at me and says “I love you Izzy, I love you so much.”

“I love you too Axl; you’re always my everything. Are you going to make love to me like you said you were?”

“Yeah I am, I’m going to take you and make you mine again, all mine. I should have done this months ago; I shouldn’t have let it get to this point. Half of what went wrong with us is my fault; it’s not all on you.” My eyes fill up with tears; he’d been calling me a junkie piece of shit for so long that I believed it.
“Ok but Axl; no more name calling, no hitting me when you’re angry or frustrated, don’t steal my dope, don’t lie to me, even when I want you to, don’t pretend to love me, and please darlin, talk to me when things start to go wrong; don’t let it get to the point if you exploding and me shutting down. Promise me you’ll talk to me more,” I beg.

“Izzy I promise I’ll try to be more open and talk to you more if you’ll promise not to shut me out. You don’t deserve all the names I’ve called you like a piece of shit junkie. Don’t get me wrong; you are addicted but let’s work together on getting you cleaned up. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is; sort of. Sometimes Axl, when the pain gets too strong in o inside of me I just don’t want to feel it.”

“I get it angel, we’ll fight that demon when he shows up. I love you Izzy; you don’t have to fight alone if you don’t want I’m here for you, ok?”

I nod and start to kiss my way down his neck but he pulls away.

“No, I said I was making love to you,” he whispers and smiles.

But I want to love you too”! I protest

No, tonight’s all for you, lay back and relax. So I do and I’m overwhelmed with sensations as he works over my entire body. Finally he grabs the lube off the night table and greases up his fingers. Then he leans back over me and brings his lips back down onto mine as his finger slowly starts to enter me. I wince, Tommy really did a number on me and I’m afraid this is going to be slightly painful but that’s ok, I’ll get through it. Axl waits until he feels me relax and pushes in his second and third fingers and I screw up my face in pain. “Shhh angel, relax,, I’m not going to hurt you, shhh relax.” He places soft kisses up and down my neck and strokes my hair and eventually I feel my muscles relax around his invading fingers. He starts to move and gently strokes my prostate and I jump and grip his shoulders. He smiles and does it again and I whimper and moan. He plays for a few more minutes driving me up the wall and then pulls back and rubs the lube over his cock. “You sure you want this Izzy?” he asks.

“Only if you do; if you don’t want it I don’t want to be here,” I tell him.

“I want it Izzy, I want you; I love you so much,” he soothes and reaches down to stroke my cheek. I reach up and hold his hand there and turn to place a kiss on his palm. He moves his lips back down onto mine and I feel him start to push against me and then slowly slide in. He moves slowly and gently; never pushing too hard, never breaking eye contact. Once he’s inside of me and he can move without hurting me we realize that we’re both desperate for each other and our bodies meld together in a tangle of arms and legs and hearts and physical sensations so strong that they alternately find us crying out or rendering us completely silent and breathless. The next two hours find us switching roles, rolling all over the bed. Kissing, biting, whispering, yelling; it’s a study in extremes. We’re both completely consumed with the other and for those couple of hours there is nothing else in the world; there is only him and me and I have no idea where he ends and I begin. The things that make my heart swell with love the most are that he rarely breaks eye contact and he tells me he loves me over, and over, and over.

When it’s done we find ourselves laying in a heaving, sweating, tangle of limbs and my fingers are running through his red-gold hair and he closes his eyes in pleasure each time I stroke through it. His hand is tracing patterns on my back. “So what does this mean Axl? What does this mean for us?” I ask him quietly.

“What do you want it to mean?” he asks.
“I want you back Axl, I don’t want anything or anyone else. What about that Erin girl? What’s up with the two of you?”

“I don’t know Izzy, I like her, she seems to get me, but I don’t love her. I realized that when I couldn’t look at her at all when we were having sex. I can’t love her; I don’t even want to. You’re the only one that could ever hold my heart completely. Jesus Christ Izzy; I’ve been trying to hold this hard line with you but all it’s done is break me. All I keep seeing in my head is you laying there after I knocked you out and that horrible sound you were making and every time I think about it I want to throw up and I know I made a huge mistake.” Axl reaches over and grabs two cigarettes out of the box in his pants. He lights both of them and hands me one; I take a long drag off it and blow the smoke out of the side of my mouth. “I want to be with you Izzy; but truthfully if we make it big we’re both going to need some kind of arm candy to show to the press; and we will make it Izzy. People aren’t going to be very accepting of the truth about this band so we’re going to have to hide it. I don’t like it but that’s how it is. I don’t know; I thought maybe I could make some kind of deal with her. She knows the truth about us but maybe at public functions and things she could pretend we were together. I don’t know Izzy; all I do know is that I hated living without you and I was an asshole and fuck I’m sorry I hit you and that I called you so many names. Will you just work with me to get clean or at least cutting back? Please? And will you move back in?

“I’ll work with you on cutting back, Duff’s been working on it with me a little already. But I’m not ready to move back in; let’s just see how it goes for a little while first ok? It might work better if we have a little space; we’ve almost always practically lived together; maybe we should just take a little time to have space for ourselves. That doesn’t mean that I can’t sleep over though,” I tease him.

“I think you might have to sleep over a lot,” he jokes. “You know, this is the first night I’ve felt whole since…shit Izzy, I don’t even know when; Months and months ago. Where have you been all this time?”

“Looking for you; where have you been?” I ask him and pull him over so that I can hold him with his head on my chest. I run my fingers through his hair and watch as he closes his eyes in pleasure so I keep doing it and he sighs.
“I guess I’ve been doing the same thing; looking for you with my head up my ass,” he mutters.

“Don’t worry Fireball; you’re not the only one who’s had their head up their ass. But I love you anyway; you’re always going to hold my heart. I told you that day in the ocean; we’ll always belong to each other,” I breathe into his hair.

“I love you Izzy, and I’m sorry for the past few weeks,” he whispers, looking up at me.’

“Let’s not make it some kind of a habit ok? My heart can’t take it; it’s not as strong as you think it is,” I tell him and feel tears building up in my eyes again.

“Hey Izzy, don’t cry tonight ok?” he teases.

“Shut up Fireball,” I mutter and smirk. I pick up the remote control beside the bed. “I think it’s time for “Murder She Wrote.”