FicWad

I locked Duff out that night; he tried to come home and talk to me about a half hour after I left the party but I wouldn’t talk to him; we just ended up in a shouting match and I told him to get out. He yelled that it was his apartment too so I told him that was fine; that I would leave. He looked at me with his mouth open; the expression on his face changing from surprise to hurt to anger and said “Fuck it and fuck you too! Or maybe I should send Izzy over to do that; I hear he thinks you’ve got a sweet little mouth why don’t you use it to suck his dick? Or maybe you already have; you seemed pretty comfortable with Izzy’s cum on your leg, maybe that’s because you’re already used to it being in your mouth! Is that what the fuck you two do all day while I’m gone? Are you here fucking all day? Are the two of you fooling around all the time and then laughing at me behind my back?

“What? Why would you even think something like that?” I ask, wondering if he saw Izzy kiss me tonight, but he couldn’t have, he had his dick buried in some slut at the party while that was happening; he couldn’t have seen it. But that comment about Izzy thinking I had a pretty mouth, I mean I know Izzy said that the night Duff and I hooked up when Izzy and I first met the night of our audition but I hadn’t thought of it until Izzy said it to me tonight after he kissed me. Had it stuck with Duff all this time or had he seen or heard something tonight? “Is Axl rubbing off on you or some shit? First his crazy ass thinks there’s something going on between us and now you? If I wanted Izzy wouldn’t I just say I wanted Izzy and be done with it? Why would I bother to be with you at all if I didn’t want to be?

What’s wrong with you? You promised me that you wouldn’t do anything tonight and then I try and find you because I want to leave with you so we can be alone because I’d rather just be with you than with anyone else; band party or no band party and I find you fucking some girl! Some girl that had hair like mine and eyes the same color as mine and you’re doing it right out in the open; not even trying to hide it from me if I walked over to that side of the room! What the fuck? Why did you lie to me and tell me you wouldn’t do some chick no matter what Axl wanted for the record company A&R people thought? Why not just tell me the truth? Why would you do that to me? Shit Duff you could have at least found me and said “Look, I know we said we wouldn’t do this but there’s this girl over there and she’s hot and she wants me and it would get Axl off of our backs! At least you would have said something to my face and not let me just walk into it blind! You lied to me and lying makes it cheating and you knew I felt like sleeping with anyone, guy or a girl feels like cheating to me and you told me you felt the same way! You told me you loved me! If you loved me you wouldn’t have done something you knew would hurt me so much! So stop trying to deflect shit from yourself by acting like you believe any of that shit Axl says about me and Izzy; if you believed it there’s no way you would ever have let us be alone all day every day, there’s nothing going on there and you know it!

But if you were going to get pussy tonight for “the sake of the band” then fuck it Duff, so was I! You lied to me and you fucked someone else; I don’t have shit to say to you right now! You leave or I’m leaving; I don’t fucking care which but I’m not staying here with you!”

He just looked at me and I could see his heart breaking in his eyes but I didn’t care; he’d broken my heart like it was nothing. He didn’t say anything; he just turned around and walked out, didn’t even slam the door, just closed it quietly. I stared at the door for a few seconds then numbly went and took a shower. I don’t really remember being in the shower, I just found myself standing in front of the mirror naked with wet hair and a towel in my hand. I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair and smeared some gel in it and walked to the bedroom. Looking at Duff’s empty side of the bed made my chest hurt; I haven’t gone to bed without him since we moved into this apartment.

We don’t always go to sleep at the same time but we do usually sit and watch TV or read or have sex or something in this room every night; I’ve never had to try and fall asleep alone in this room. I cross over to the dresser and pull out some boxers and put them on and then walk over and look through the very corner of the window where I can see out without having to move the blinds: Duff’s truck is still in the parking lot not 25 feet away and he’s laying across the seat with his head against the driver’s side window. He didn’t leave and go to a hotel, (not that we have any money,) he didn’t walk over to Izzy’s or Steven’s or Del’s; he’s sleeping in his truck. I’m not sure why, he could have gone to any of our friend’s apartments and slept on their couches. He’s all scrunched up in the cab of the truck because he’s so tall and he looks horribly uncomfortable and I take some satisfaction in that. Then I see his hand move up and swipe across his face and I realize he isn’t sleeping, he’s crying. The impulse to turn around and run out the front door and wrap my arms around him is so strong I have to grip the edge of the dresser to keep myself from doing it. Then I remember what he looked like doing that girl at the party and I crumble inside again. Jesus thinking about what he did physically hurts. What Izzy said about feeling like you were shot and the bullet went straight through and all you’re left with is a bleeding, throbbing, hole is pretty accurate. I mean it wasn’t like a chick hadn’t ever fucked me over and hurt my feelings before but this was different; this was pain on an entirely different level than anything I had ever felt about anything anyone had ever done to me.

It wasn’t just what Duff had done to me either and I knew it; I was also hurting because he was hurting and I was the one who had caused him pain. I never wanted to hurt him; shit I love him way too fucking much for that but in that moment all I could think about was making him hurt as much as I did. Is this the shit that’s wrong with Izzy and Axl? Is it pain and the anger that comes from it that makes them treat each other so badly and do such crazy shit? Although honestly Izzy doesn’t seem to treat Axl as badly as Axl treats him. I saw him throw Axl up against the wall and choke him that night Duff and I were spying on Izzy which wasn’t good but Axl had just majorly provoked him by telling him that he’d like to have a been with him as friends and discuss how he felt about Erin. If Duff ever said that to me about someone I’d lose my shit too!

Axl; there’s the fucking key to this whole fucking mess. Axl somehow managed to control everybody; to get everyone to do what he wanted them to do even when they swore to him and themselves that there was no way they would ever do what he asked. Somehow, in one evening Axl and gotten both Duff and I to fuck girls in public; something we had both told him and each other that we wouldn’t do because it would be cheating on each other. Shit, Duff and I even promised each other that while making love and we still did it anyway! I would love to know what Axl did or said to set this whole thing off because he was talking to Duff not a half an hour before all of this started. I don’t know what Axl said or did but I know he has something to do with it. It doesn’t excuse anything Duff did though; Axl could have threatened to do anything to me or Duff and I would have just killed Axl first and been done with it; I wouldn’t have cheated on him. I look at again crying in the cab of his truck and back at the empty bed an in my mind I see Duff with his dick in that girl, her leg around his waist, his head thrown back panting and groaning as he thrust into her and I crumple down onto the floor; what the fuck had happened here? I just wanted my baby back but I wasn’t going to be lied to and manipulated! Jesus fucking Christ I wanted his arms around me right now.

I hear the front door open and close and I hear Izzy’s slow, lazy shuffle moving down the hall to the bathroom. A few seconds later I hear the toilet flush and then my bedroom door opens. “Kid you ok?” Izzy asks. I don’t even look up at him from where I’m curled up in a ball on the floor. He walks over and sits down on the floor in front of me; I feel fingers stroke my wet hair back out of my face. “Hey, come on Curly Sue, it’s gonna be ok, that’s what you tell me right? It really will be ok too; you and Duff haven’t ever fought before, your first fight hurts like fuck but you’ll be ok. You love him, he loves you, talk to each other and work it out. It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

Izzy’s fingers feel nice running through my hair. My mind flashes back to him kissing me in the alley a few hours ago; I liked it. I shouldn’t have done it but I’d just seen Duff FUCKING another person. Kissing didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time; what the fuck had that been about anyway? Why did Izzy kiss me? Pain rips through me again at the memory of Duff and what he was doing with that girl and I clench my eyes shut and curl up into an even smaller ball. Izzy’s fingers leave my hair. All of these thoughts run through my mind in under two seconds but the one that comes to the forefront is pain at the memory of Duff and that whore.

“Izzy?” I whisper.

“Yeah?” he asks and lights a cigarette.

“Does smack really make the pain go away? If it does will you give me some?” I ask him quietly.

“It helps. I don’t want to get you started on that shit kid, you’ll end up like me, a damn junkie who can’t quit,” he says and shakes his head, blowing a cloud of smoke into the air.

“Please Izzy,” I beg. “It hurts so much.” Another jolt of pain runs through my chest and I curl up into an even smaller ball.
Izzy must feel sorry for me because he sighs and gets up and goes out into the living room and I hear him rummaging around in his storage locker. He comes back a few minutes later with a syringe of brown liquid and he slides his belt out of his belt loops. “Give me your arm Curly Sue,” he demands with a note of regret in his voice. I extend my arm and he loops his belt around it; cinching it above my bicep and his fingers work to find a vein in the crook of my arm. He finds one and slides the needle under my skin and I watch blood flow into the liquid in the needle and then Izzy pushes the plunger and a rush of warmth and numbness envelopes me. I feel like I’m melting into the carpet. I groan quietly in pleasure and my body relaxes from it’s tight, curled up position. Izzy chuckles at me. “Feels good doesn’t it kid?”

“Mmm hmm,” is my only answer and I feel a smile making it’s way onto my face; how is that even possible. I love this shit, not only am I not hurting so much at the moment I feel good and somewhat happy. I start to tell Izzy this but someone knocks at the door. What the hell? It’s like two in the morning!

Izzy looks a little alarmed. “Are you ok Slash?” he asks. “If you are I’m going to go see who’s at the door but I need to make sure you’re ok.”

“I’m good,” I sigh and roll onto my back. Izzy nods and gets up and leaves the room to answer the door. I hear a girl’s voice and I wonder what fucking girl would be here unexpectedly after the shit that went down tonight but I can’t be bothered to get up and find out. Suddenly something’s sitting on my chest and a furry face with a cold nose is up in my face sniffing me. I jump about five feet in the air. “Izzy!” I call out. “What did you give me I’m fucking hallucinating! I’m seeing a cat! I’m feeling a cat!”

Izzy comes hurrying back into the bedroom with a concerned look on his face followed by a pretty girl with long, dark hair. “What do you mean you’re seeing and feeling a cat?!” he asks worriedly. “ I didn’t give you anything that would make you hallucinate, can you breathe ok? Where are you seeing a cat? Maybe we need to take you to a hospital!” he says and squats down next to me. The cat that I’m hallucinating rubs up against his knee while still standing on my chest.

“It’s right there, it’s standing on my chest, it’s touching you! It’s black and grey with long hair and a blue collar with a fucking bell!” I’m starting to panic, it seems so real and Izzy seems really worried. If he’s worried then it’s probably not good. “What’s wrong with me Izzy? Is it bad?”

“No you idiot, there’s a kitten standing on your fucking chest; it likes you for god only knows what reason. This is Angela,” he says gesturing to the girl “Angela the dumbass on the floor that’s hallucinating a cat out of thin air is Slash.” She smiles and the kitten meows. This sets Izzy off and he starts giggling like a girl. Fucker! He let me think something was really wrong with me and that I was hallucinating! What else was I going to think when he just shot something into my arm and there was no cat here five minutes ago and then suddenly a tiny ball of fur is in my face?!

“Izzy you’re an asshole,” I slur and grin. He just keeps giggling. I reach up and pet the kitten. It purrs and rubs it’s face into mine; I like cats, I always had a cat growing up, my last cat Jagger lived with my mom at the moment.

“You thought you were hallucinating!” Izzy giggles. He’s laughing so hard he’s crying now.

“I hate you Izzy,” I mutter and smile at him and the kitten prances back and forth under my hand as I pet it. My hand looks huge next to tit.

“No you don’t; you love me and now you’re smiling, don’t you feel better then you did fifteen minutes ago? I shot you up and made a new friend appear for you out of thin air!” Izzy laughs.

“Yeah, I feel better,” I admit. “What’s the cat’s name?” I ask the girl. “I like him more than Izzy, I vote he stays and Izzy goes.” Izzy flips me off and starts giggling again.

“I haven’t given it a name yet,” she answers. “I could never come up with one that fit him. I’ve had him for two weeks and he doesn’t have a name. Do you want to name him?”

“Really?” I ask. She nods. “If it was a dog I would name it Axl Rose,” I tell her. This sets Izzy off with the girly giggling again. “I say we call him Fang.” The kitten squeaks like he’s agreeing and sits down on my chest and looks at Izzy and Anglea with a looks that clearly says he agrees and the matter is settled. Izzy and Angela laugh at the kitten’s approval of his name and they take him away to feed him some tuna and I can hear him in the kitchen meowing loudly while Izzy gets the can open. I hear him call it an impatient little fucker and laugh to myself. I can’t wait for Duff to see Fang.

Then I remember that Duff and I are fighting and the pain and depression return and the smile disappears from my face. Duff. Duff and a girl, Duff fucking a girl, fuck, smack or no it still hurts. I close my eyes and rub at my face. I want Duff. Tears spring into my eyes again and I wipe them away but they just come back. The high is starting to wear off a little and I manage to pull myself up onto my knees using the side of the bed. I use the bed to stand up and stagger into the bathroom and shut the door so I can take a piss. When I come back out Izzy’s leaning against the door frame of the bedroom He looks at me and asks “You ok?” and any façade I had crumbles. I stumble towards the bedroom door and Izzy steadies and walks me to the bed and helps me sit down.

“Where are Angela and Fang?” I ask looking around for my furry new friend.

“She’s got him in the bushes outside trying to get him to take a crap,” Izzy says trying to get me to smile but I won’t. “Angie and I are going to get something to eat and to get some things for the cat, do you mind if she stays here a couple of days while I try and figure out a place for her to go?”

“I don’t care, I just want Duff; and Fang, I want to keep Fang,” I tell Izzy “What do I do about Duff Izzy?” I ask and wipe more tears away from my eyes. I don’t care if Izzy sees me crying but if Angela comes back in I don’t want her to see me crying. I’m supposed to be a man for god’s sake.

“Fang belongs to Angie so you have to talk to her about that,” Izzy teases and I pretend to pout. Izzy’s eyes dilate with what looks like desire when I purse my lips at him in fake annoyance. “Jesus fucking Christ you’re cute when you do that,” he growls and I can see him stiffen up his upper body in an effort to keep himself away from me. “You need to talk to Duff,” he says getting up and leaving me safely settled on the bed. “I’m going to send him in here when I leave, ok? Talk to him, it’s going to be fine,” he assures me. “Duff loves you kid, something’s not right with the whole situation tonight but I do know he loves you. I’ll see you later, breathe and think about what you want to say to Duff,” he tells me and turns to walk down the hallway. I hear a jingling noise and a black and grey ball of fuzz trots past Izzy and jumps up on the bed with me. Izzy looks at the kitten and smirks. “If all else fails you have a friend in Fang,” he says and turns away.

He and Angela leave the apartment and I hear the door close behind them. Fang walks around exploring the bed and I run my fingers by him quickly on the mattress and he jumps to attack them. I get distracted playing with the kitten and I don’t hear Duff come in. “He really likes you, he has good taste,” Duff says quietly from the bedroom doorway where he’s standing and I start at the sound of his voice. My head snaps up towards him and I see him take a drag off of his cigarette. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, I’ve given you enough surprises for one night.” I can’t say anything, I can’t even move; a lump forms in my throat and I freeze looking at him. He looks terrible; his eyes have deep circles underneath them with red rims and he’s pale as death. I don’t know if he can see my face through my hair but I know that my eyes fill up with tears and I stay absolutely frozen; much to the frustration of the kitten who bites at my hand and then jumps down and zooms off when a current of air blows out of the vent and rattles some paper with song lyrics written on it.