FicWad

Slash
This night has turned into pure hell; for Duff, for me, for Izzy, just pure fucking hell. Maybe this is our punishment for sinning or some shit; I don’t know, that’s what Axl would tell us that his step-father would say. What I do know is that Duff left the party earlier with two record execs and Izzy and I found him a couple of hours later stumbling down some road out towards the Hollywood sign. He’s bleeding, his head’s been busted open and god only knows what else. In the emergency room they put five stitches in his head and he keeps babbling about how he’s sorry about something; I think he’s telling me he’s sorry for whatever happened with those two guys but that’s not his fault.

Izzy comes back with clothes like he promised and when Duff’s finally released hours later he’s sitting in the waiting room ready to drive us home. In addition to the cut on his head Duff had a pretty bad concussion so the doctors monitored that for a few hours. When he finally started making sense again they released him and Izzy and I helped him walk to the car. He didn’t talk all the way home except to answer Izzy’s question of whether or not he was ok. I can tell that Izzy’s high as fuck too trying to deal with what went down. I answered all the rest of the questions on the way home until we lapsed into silence and I just held Duff against my chest stroking the middle of his stomach as it’s pretty much the only place on his torso that’s not bruised.

He told me and the doctors in ER that he had jumped out of the car before anything had happened and he refused to file a police report for obvious reasons; we were all high and drunk as hell during the time period when all this happened. I whisper in his ear that I love him and nuzzle my face into his hair and kiss the top of his head and he weakly replies that he loves me too. “Shh baby, I know; just rest, I’ve got you,” I tell him and I feel him slump back even further into me and he turns his face to the side and nuzzles into my hair and neck and I squeeze him a little but he winces so I loosen my grip and reach up and stroke his face softly instead.

When we get home Duff insists on getting in the shower immediately and he won’t let me come with him which worries the hell out of me so I stand outside the bathroom door and listen to make sure he hasn’t fallen down. He’s in there a long time and I open the door and ask if he’s ok several times until he finally comes out. He has the water on so hot that the bathroom is a giant cloud of steam; I don’t care what he said back in the ER he didn’t make it out of that car before those guys did something to him if he’s practically scalding his skin off to get clean. Izzy makes grilled cheese sandwiches for all of us and insists that everyone eat including Duff when he comes out of the bathroom. We both watch Duff carefully make sure he’s eating and drinking; hovering like worried parents. Everyone sits in the living room and eats in nervous silence or stilted conversation. Duff’s dozing on and off from the painkillers I gave him when he got in the shower that the doctors sent home with him. When he’s done with his sandwich I take him to bed and avoid Izzy’s regretful eyes. I can’t deal with that right now; all I can worry about is Duff.

When we get into the bedroom I get him settled in the bed and slide in next to him and reach over to stroke his belly where he’s not black and blue so I can touch him as he falls asleep and he knows I’m there. I expect him to slip into sleep more or less immediately but he rolls over and grips my shirt and moves so that I’m holding him with his head on my shoulder and chest and my arms around him. “You ok? Are you comfortable?” I ask him anxiously as I brush his hair back off of his face gently; careful not to touch the stitches on his head.

“Just hold me, tell me you love me,” he begs quietly. “All I really need is you right now.”

I feel a lump rise in my throat when he says that. “I do love you, I love you more than anything. I was so worried about you all night; I was going to make Izzy drive all over LA until we found you. Apparently he knew where to look though; but he wouldn’t tell me when I asked him how he knew but he did. All I wanted was to hold you and make sure you were safe. When I saw you in the headlights I was afraid somebody had shot you; that’s what it looked like there was so much blood. It scared the fuck out of me! Now that I have you I won’t let go of you either, I promise. You didn’t let go of me when that trucker came after me; you held me and talked to me until I fell asleep and you were still holding me the next morning. Right now I don’t want to ever let go of you; I want to keep you here where you’re safe; I love you so much Duff,” I blurt out. Whatever happened you’re going to be ok; I promise.”

He still has my shirt gripped in one hand and he tries to pull himself even closer to me but it’s not physically possible; I stroke his hair with one hand and hold him tightly to my waist with the other and whisper “Duffy, I’m right here baby. I won’t let you go, it’s ok,” and he loosens his grip on my shirt and I feel his body relax against me. “That’s it, you’re ok, relax, just let me hold you this time; you don’t always have to protect me, I can protect you just fine too. Although I didn’t do a good job of it tonight; I’m sorry baby. I should have gone with you; I shouldn’t have been so drunk! I’m so sorry! You want to tell me what happened?” I ask him quietly.

“No, not really but I have to,” he answers so quietly that I can barely hear him.

“Sweetheart you don’t have to tell me right now if you don’t want to,” I tell him, looking down at his bruised face. He looks up at me with his brown eyes full of shame and apprehension. “But you know I’m here if you want to tell me or talk about it. You know I’ll love you anyway, no matter what; you don’t have to worry about that. Nothing that happened tonight is gonna change how I feel about you ok? I promise.” I kiss his forehead and his nose and then tilt his face up so that I can place a soft kiss on his lips. “It’s ok Duffy, whatever you tell me I’m still going to be here, I’m still going to hold you, I’m still going to love you.”

“I love you too baby,” he whispers. “I just kept thinking about how if I could only get back to you tonight I’d be ok.” That of course breaks my heart and I start to hug him harder but he whimpers and I remember I can’t because of how bruised up he is.

”I’m sorry I wasn’t there Duff, I’m so sorry.” There are never going to be enough apologies to make up for what happened to him and how I wasn’t there to save him or help him because Axl pulled us apart and sent Duff off with the record company guys and pulled me into fucking some girl. I was fucking a girl while Duff was getting attacked! I’ll never, ever, be able to forgive myself for that and I can’t go back and change it either; no matter how badly I want to. The uncomfortable, cold sensations of guilt and shame well up in my chest and I do my best to push them away but I can’t.

Duff starts to talk again though and I’m drawn out of my own thoughts and feelings by voice and his eyes. He tries to look at me as he speaks but he quickly buries his face in my neck and hides his humiliation and shame at what he has to say. “Those guys; they said they would only talk about signing us if I sucked their dicks; so I did, well the one guy’s dick; but not because I wanted to, I did it for the band. I know Izzy’s done it; Axl doesn’t know he did though because he would go totally psycho on those dudes for making Izzy do that, they were from Nikki’s label, Electra. I mean they like shoved Izzy’s head down on their dick and fucked his mouth made him. Not those same two guys but somebody from another label. That’s how it works Slash; you don’t get shit for just playing music! You have to fuck or suck your way to the deal.” I can tell he doesn’t want to tell me this but it’s nothing I don’t already know in a way; I’d overheard conversations when I was younger between my parents about people they worked with but hadn’t understood them at the time. Now it all makes perfect sense but I’d hoped it was all just rumor and speculation and jealousy.

Duff takes a deep breath and I nuzzle his hair and kiss the top of his head. “You ok still talking?” I ask him softly because he’s quiet for a while and I can feel his tears running down my neck and onto the sheets. “You can stop if you want to.”

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks.

“Baby I want you to do whatever you’re comfortable with; it’s not about me, this is about you. You don’t worry about me right now; I’m taking care of you. I know you think I’m just a kid but Duff you’ve got to trust me to be able to care for you too. I know you want to protect me and take care of me all the time but you need cared for sometimes too, like right now you need to relax and let me take care of and protect you. I love you and I’m here and I’ll hold you until you let go ok? I’m not going anywhere unless it’s to the bathroom to take a piss and then I might drag you with me; which may happen soon by the way,” I inform him with a smile trying to get one out him in return.

He smiles a little bit and says “Let’s make it right now, I have to go too.” I nod and try and ease him off of me because I know he’s hurting and I don’t want to move fast and make him hurt worse but it seems to be a fruitless effort because he’s so bruised all over his body. Getting my body out from under his brings out a lot of moans and groans and cries legitimately. His body is sore and stiff and when he moves he says it feels like he’s on fire. The trip to the bathroom is going to be agony for him then.

“I’ll give you some more pain medicine when we get to the bathroom Duffy,” I tell him as I help him sit up. He almost screams and he's biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. "Duff, you’re not going to like this idea but I think you need to do it. Izzy’s got smack out there and it will probably kill the pain a lot faster than those pain meds, just this once. We were talking for a long time and not thinking about your meds. I’ll set my watch alarm to go off every four hours now so I can give you some medicine regularly ok? But I think right now you need to let Izzy give you something to dull the pain. You can’t even roll over in bed; you’re never going to make it to the bathroom honey. Please baby?” I beg him.

“Slash, I don’t want…” he tries to straighten up and he moans. “Ok, go ask him, but only because this hurts so much and really need to go to the bathroom!”

“Ok, just sit right there baby and I’ll be back.” I lean down to kiss him before I leave the room and he closes his eyes. “Do you want me to kiss you sweetheart or do you want me to not do that for a while? “ I ask him. I don’t know how much he wants to be touched after whatever went on tonight. I almost don’t want to know what happened because it’s going to make me feel even guiltier Plus Duff’s in so much pain physically and emotionally and I HATE whoever did that shit to him.

“Please kiss me, all I wanted all night was to be with you, in your arms, seeing your pretty smile, feeling your kisses that I love. I love you Curly Sue,” he replies

“I love you too Duffy, it’s goinna to be ok,” I promise him and cup his face in my hands and kiss him softly again. “I’ll be right back with Izzy and we’ll get rid of some of the pain ok?”

“Yeah,” he says weaklly.

I walk into the hallway and turn on the light and make my way into the living room. Izzy’s rolled up in his blanket on floor with Angela; their hair still damp from a shower . He’s spooning her from behind but they’re both still dressed so I’m guessing they’re not having sex yet. I squat down and shake him and his eyes instantly snap open and he grabs me by the collar of my t-shirt but then he lts go when he reaiizes he’s at home and I’m not trying to rob him lets me go. “Sorry kid. I’ m jumpy when somebody wakes me up.”

“It’s Duff; Izzy he’ s all bruised up and he can hardly move without almost screaming because it hurts so bad. We were talking and I forgot to give him his pain meds on time and I can’t get him into the bathroom and he really has to go and...,”

Izzy reaches over and cups my face and he says “Don’t panic Slash, I’m coming.”

“Izz do you have any smack? I thought if we have him some it would stop the pain along enough for his meds to kick in and then maybe he could move without screaming! Izzy I’m really scared!” I babble.

“I can tell,” he says sitting up. “Come here kid; it’s gonna be ok, just have to get through it minute to minute. He hugs me for a minute and I do feel better. “Just relax I’ll take care of it, that’s a good idea you had. Go back to Duff; I’ll get everything ready.”

Angela wakes up and feels that Izzy’s gone and hears us whispering and rolls over. “What are you guys doing?”

“Nothing Sugar,” he lies.

“Yeah right, the last time you two were up to nothing you were still in diapers,” she says.

Izzy smiles a little. “Band stuff, don’t worry about it,” he tells her. She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“Oh secret band stuff! Getting high in the bathroom again?” she laughs.

“No, we’re getting Duff high in the bathroom,” Izzy replies.

“What? “ She can’t see my face because of my hair but she looks at me. “Slash?”

Before I can answer though I hear Duff call out from the bedroom “Slash, cat!”

Angie can tell something’s wrong with his voice. “Is he ok?” she asks as I walk out of the room.; I can hear Izzy talking to her quietly.

I walk into the room and Fang is pestering Duff and climbing around on is lap. When I come into the room he turns around and runs over to the edge of the bed and prances around meows for me to pet him. I pick up the kitten and hold him up on my shoulder. “Izzy’s coming Duffy; are you ok?” I squat down in front of him and look up into his eyes. They’re sad and I can tell he’s trying not to make any noise by the way he’s biting his lip. I reach up and stroke his face with the hand that’s not holding the kitten. “It’s ok baby, it won’t hurt so bad soon.” I stand up and kiss him again and smile when his eyes close now that I know it’s because it makes him feel better. “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to put the cat out there.

“Ok,” he whispers.

I take Fang out and hand him to Angela who takes him and looks up at me and whispers “Jesus, I’m sorry about Duff.”

“Thanks. Almost ready Izz?”

“Yeah, just a second,” Izzy says as he opens a clean needle and sucks the brown liquid in his cooking spoon up through a piece of cotton into the syringe. He holds it up to the light and thumps it, moving the air bubble up to the top and pushing it out. He follows me back to the bedroom and looks mortified when he sees Duff’s bruised body. “Jesus Duff, that’s all from jumping out of the car?”

“Yeah, it was moving at like 25 miles per hour or something which isn’t much when you’re driving but it feels pretty fast when you hit the ground though,” Duff says quietly, he told me in the ER that talking too loud makes his head hurt and that even breathing hurts. I hate seeing him in so much pain.

Izzy kneels down in front of him and loops a belt around Duff’s arm in a spot that’s not as bruised as the rest. “Duff I’m sorry if this hurts but I need to tighten the belt ok? It’ll be over soon.”

“It’s fine Izzy, thanks for doing this. Thanks for the smack. I can’t believe I’m going to get somebody to shoot me up with smack,” he sighs and then scrunches up his face in pain as the belt tightens on his arm and jostles him a little. He’s got two broken ribs but there’s nothing the doctors can really do but let them heal and his back and chest and right arm are black and purple with bruises and scratches; my poor baby. I climb up on the bed and sit behind him

“Ok, you ready man?” Izzy asks and holds the needle up to the light again just to check it.

“Yeah, go for it,” Duff whispers. Izzy gently takes Duff’s arm and extends it under the light. I watch as he feels for the vein in the crook of his arm. When he’s satisfied that he’s found it he gently slides the needle in and pulls the plunger back to make sure he draws blood back into it. He gets a flashback and gently pushes down the plunger. We watch Duff for a second and I feel him slump back into me and he groans in relief.

“Better? Izzy asks looking at Duff anxiously.

“Sooo much better,” Duff sighs. “I love you guys.”

“He’s feeling it, I gave him a pretty good dose too,” Izzy says. “Let me help you get him in and out of the bathroom.”

We get Duff up on his feet and help him stumble his way into the bathroom. I stand next to the door to make sure he doesn’t fall over and kill himself. He’s having trouble getting his dick out of his boxers though so instead of letting me help he just pulls them down and I look up and see ten perfectly round bruises on his ass; fingers, bruises from where that guy must have squeezed Duff’s ass while he was fucking him. He catches me looking at him funny and asks “What?” he asks.

“Baby you have…you have bruises on you from where that guy grabbed you, don’t worry about it, I just hate seeing you hurt,” I tell him quietly. He gets his shorts back on and washes his hands while I take a piss which is what got us out of bed in the first place. Then I get him out of the bathroom and Izzy and I take him back to the bed and help him lie down. I walk with Izzy back down the hall so I can bring Duff a glass of water for the pills he still needs to take. “Thanks Izzy; thanks for helping him and thanks for driving me to find him when he disappeared. I’m sorry for blaming you earlier. Duff told me what happened with the guys from Electra when we got back from Seattle;I’m sorry that happened; next time nobody goes alone ok?”

Izzy looked down at the floor in shame and turned red when I said I knew what happened with the guys from Nikki's record label. “Don’t worry about it kid. Get the water and go take care of Duff; trust me, he really needs you right now.” I nod and get the water and say goodnight to Izzy and Angie who are arranging themselves in the bed they’ve made on the floor. I’m glad she’s here with him and he’s not sleeping alone after I mentioned what happened to him; I’m sure he’s been thinking about it all evening anyway. I think he really likes her; he just can’t pull his heart away from Axl.

I get back to bed and turn the lamp off and Duff moves back towards me but he’s so clumsy from the stiffness of his body and the heroin that he’s not making it very far. “Come here Duffy, let me help you,” I say to him softly and pull him over into my arms trying not to hurt him. “You ok? You need me to move or are you comfortable?” I ask once I have him snuggled into me.

“I’m good, you’ve got your arms around me so I’m fine,” he says and I stroke his hair back and kiss his forehead. “Baby, rub my back, just you know how you run your fingers over it when we’re laying here after we have sex or watching TV? Please? Just be careful.”

I do what he asks and I smile at how his eyes close again in pleasure. I’m glad he’s letting me touch him and comfort him and not pushing me away; then I’d have no idea what to do with myself. At least his way I can do something to help him. The need to hold him and protect him is so strong and has been since I saw him staggering down the street bleeding. I literally want to kill whoever did this to him. If I knew their names I’d hunt them down and slit their throats and watch as they choked on their own blood.

“I love you Duffy,” I tell him as I run the pads of my fingers up his back.

“I love you too, I’m so glad you’re here; I couldn’t be alone tonight. You know the night shit happened to Izzy he went home and he couldn’t tell Axl what happened but he said they didn’t fight that night; that he seemed to sense something was wrong and was sweet to him that night but they had a big fight the next day over something. I’m so glad every day that we’re not like them. All I ever want to do is love you; not fight with you,” Duff tells me.

“I’m glad we’re not them either. I hated fighting with you that night you slept in the truck; it so much and it was so lonely in here without you,” I whisper and kiss the top of his head.

“You want the rest of the story?” he asks.

“Only if you want to tell me baby.”

“I need to, I need to tell you; I need to get it out. I nod and he takes a deep breath. So I sucked the one guy’s dick and the other guy got behind me and tried to take off my pants and I told him to stop and he didn’t so I turned around to get him off of me and he hit me in the head with a bottle of gin so hard that he broke it. Then they got my pants off and shoved my face down in the seat and the one guy fucked me; he dry fucked me, no lube, no spit, nothing. He was killing me; it hurt so bad...”

All of this comes spilling out of him at about 90 miles an hour and he grips my shirt again and hides his face in my neck like he did earlier. This time though I peel his fingers off of my shirt and intertwine them with mine and stroke his hair and his back with the other and he relaxes a little. My eyes are full of tears though at the thought of somebody hurting him that way but I know he needs to finish his story. He starts talking again and I squeeze his hand.

“You would have thought it would have rubbed the dude’s dick raw but apparently not. The one guy told me I had such a nice ass and he squeezed it when he came; that’s what the bruises are from. The second guy was getting ready to do me and I got the door open and rolled out. I hit a bus stop sign and their car just kept going. I couldn’t get up for a long time; at least it felt like a long time. I don’t know, I just kept thinking that I needed to get home to you; if I could only get to you I’d be safe, I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I just wanted you!”

His voice finally breaks and he lets out a choked sob but he doesn’t stop talking. I hold him tighter and this time he doesn’t wince; the smack is numbing him. “I finally pulled myself up on the stop sign and fixed my pants and started to walk home. I got a couple of blocks before Izzy almost ran over me. After I got hit things are a little foggy but I remember it really hurt and the guy kept saying things about how good it felt and what a pretty ass I had I just wanted him to be done and get off of me and stop hurting me! I tried to think about you and pretend I wasn’t there but it hurt so much and I’m so sorry Slash!” he almost sobs. “I never would have said yes! “

My voice cracks too and I hug him and bury my face in his hair and try to get control of myself. “Duffy, you don’t have anything to be sorry for; I’m the one who’s sorry because I let you leave the party with those guys. You didn’t do anything wrong baby,” I soothe. Inside I’m trying not to throw up at the idea of Duff being shoved face first into a plush, leather seat and getting fucked by one of those old guys while he was bleeding like crazy from the cut on his head "You should know you don’t have to be sorry; the same thing almost happened to me on the way to Seattle remember? If Izzy hadn’t been there it would have happened to me. I’m so sorry Duffy, I’m so sorry it happened to you.

I remember how much I needed to be held that night the truck driver had attacked me and he hadn’t even gotten my pants off; I was so scared and angry while it was happening and I felt so stupid for getting myself into that situation. When Izzy knocked the guy out I was relieved but later I was ashamed and embarrassed and I couldn’t think about it without breaking into a cold sweat.
If Duff hadn’t been there to hold me after everyone left that night and tell me it wasn’t my fault I would have blamed myself and I would have gotten drunk to get rid of that feeling of shame and panic and humiliation. I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been if he had done to me what those two guys did to Duff. If hadn’t been for Izzy he would have.

Thank fuck for Izzy that day and tonight and even though I was angry at him earlier I’m not as angry anymore. The way he had turned red and looked at the floor when I mentioned what the two Electra reps had done to him was enough to let me know that he knew exactly what I had felt, that he knew almost exactly how Duff felt right now and it was hard to be angry at someone who had been in that position and who had saved you from being in the same one. Besides; I know that Izzy will be angry enough at himself and punish himself more than I ever could. Plain and simple if Izzy hadn’t been there to drive me around tonight I don’t know what would have happened to Duff and if he hadn’t been there with his smack habit then Duff would have been in so much more pain right now than he was at this second.

The afternoon that the trucker had tried to fuck me we had stolen the truck and I remember curling up into Duff and feeling safe just from breathing in the scent of him: cigarettes and cheap laundry soap and Old Spice after shave and the Juicy Fruit gum that he constantly chewed. When his arms went around me I knew something had changed between us, it was how I knew he really cared, the way he had held me that day without a second thought about the fact that I was bleeding on his t-shirt covered in sweat; he just held me and kissed my hair and that’s the last thing I remember until he and Steven poured a little water onto my face to get me to wake up at the Super 8.

That night he sat up and talked to me forever even though he was exhausted from a long day on the road. He kept his arms around me for the whole nigh; he had his arms round me when I finally fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning to Izzy pounding on the door. He’d been exactly what I needed him to be that night and I want to be that for him because I love him even more now that we’ve been together and gotten to know each other better he means everything to me.

“I didn’t want to! I didn’t want it!” he cries into my shoulder.

“Shh baby, I know. I’m so sorry, I’m going to find them and kill them Duff. I love you; I love you so much. I’m here ok? I won’t let anything else happen to you; not ever again, I promise. If I had known I wouldn’t have let it happen this time!” I tell him. “None of this is your fault, I know you didn’t want any of this, Izzy knows it too and tomorrow we’ll tell everyone you fell down and it your head on the railing outside because you were still wasted when you got here. Don’t worry I’ll take care of everything; I’ll take care of you.”

“Just don’t let go of me tonight,” he begs and I feel tears dripping from his eyes onto my neck.

“I won’t, I already promised you. I love you, no matter what I love you. I’m gonna keep my arms around you for as long as you want me to and I’m here for whatever you need ok? I love you so much Duffy,” I try and reassure him.

He just full on starts sobbing and tells me again: “I didn’t want it, I said no! I didn’t want them to touch me!”

“I know baby, I know,” I whisper. I try and soothe him and spend the next half an hour trying to comfort him but I know he needs to cry it out too; how else do you deal with getting raped by some guy and having to suck another one’s dick when all you thought you were going to do was have a drink and discuss your band? I’m sure this won’t be the only night spent crying about being violated by record company execs if we really have to sleep our way into things in this business because we ARE going to make it if we have to suck dick for the next five years! It won’t be the only night Duff and I spend crying about these particular two pieces of shit and what happened tonight either and I know it; my heart’s bleeding for Duff right now and he’s a wreck. I hate it that all I can do for him is hold him; that I can’t fucking make it better and make his pain go away and stay away.

Duff’s sobs eventually turn into choking hiccups and eventually he regains control of his breathing and he starts doze off. I softly kiss the top of his head and whisper to him telling him good night and that I love him. “Just don’t let go of me Slash,” is the last thing he mumbles as he falls asleep.

“I won’t Duffy, I won’t let go, I promise.” I won’t either; I don’t ever want to let go of him. .