Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Axl
It was the middle of the day and I was sound asleep. I lived a nightlife, up all night, sleep all day. I had blacked out my windows to fool my body into a false sense of night. I'm abruptly awakened by a hand clasping over my mouth and body weight pressing me down. It wasn't at all unfamiliar. It was dark but I could still smell. I knew that smell anywhere, it was Izzy. My body relaxes under him knowing I have nothing to fear. My eyes start to adjust and I can see his black eyes looking into mine. I know he's most likely angry with me. Mad because I sent Duff off with those guys. Not that he is going to outwardly show me he is angry. Then I find myself questioning if I had locked the door or if Izzy still had a key? But then I remember that it's fucking Izzy, key or no key, if he wanted in he would fucking find a way. He truly had the mind of a criminal.
“How could you have done that Axe?” He asks me softly as he just looks down into my eyes with regret in his own. “You knew what they would do to him.” He then removes his hand from my mouth so I can speak.
I'm not always the friendliest guy when I first wake up, especially with the circumstances of which I find myself currently being awakened. So my opening response comes out a bit harsh. “Well why the fuck should we be the only ones in this band who have to lay down or suck off these pricks?” I snap. “Don't you get sick of that shit Izz?”
Izzy crawls off of me and sits at the edge of my bed, once our bed, and lights a cigarette. I hear him sigh as he runs his hand over the top of his head. “Why Duff alone? One of us should have gone with him Axe.” He seems so weighted down. Like had he have been there things could have gone differently.
“Yeah, well you know what they say, gentleman prefer blonds right? Last I checked neither of us were blonds,” I snort.
I can see his eyes flutter but he doesn't look at me. He drags from his cigarette and squints one eye at the smoke billowing into it. “Do you even give a fuck enough to know what happened to him?” Izzy exhales. His eyes focus on the wall like he is deep in thought.
He's going into his shut down mode. He just goes blank and completely numb. Complete shutdown. Lights are on but nobody's home. He always gets like this when he wants to scream and yell. But Izzy very rarely ever yelled. Izzy didn't like to yell. Cool was Izzy's style. He just shut out all emotion because he hated to feel. He would be detached completely, indifferent to everything. It was a coping device he had. I wish that was one safety mechanism I could develop. But not everything with Izzy meets the eye.
Quiet and calm weren't always what was going on inside his head. He could turn on a dime and you would never see it coming. A silent Izzy wasn't to be trusted. You never knew what to expect when he got like this. There wasn't much I could put past him when he got this way. I didn't trust his silence at all, it made me always on edge. A silence like this was the sort of thing that would always come just before he put a knife to someone's throat. Or before he would hijack an 18 wheeler. So I've got my eye on him.
“Heeeee...took one for the team?” I shrug and jerk the cigarette away from his lips and put it to my own.
Izzy just drops his head and folds his hands together resting on his elbows. “If you call being raped taking one for the team,” his words almost whisper. Given my background this was always a topic that bothered Izzy. Perhaps even more than it bothered me.
“What?”
“Yeah you heard me Axl. I said raped,” he nods, “He had to throw himself from a moving vehicle just to get the fuck away,” Izzy's calm tone had never before seemed more eerie. His head turns to face me. He just stares at me for a minute. He looks at me as if I'm inhuman and he is ashamed to know me, ashamed to be in the same room as me. “You're cruel Axl. You sent Duff with those guys knowing damn well what would happen. You sent him to punish Slash for that stupid slut we fucked together. You did it to punish me for turning you down that night in the diner. You did it because Duff is happier than you. You're fucking insane and goddamn cruel man. You think Duff is gonna stay in this band now? You think Slash won't follow him? That fucking kid is better than any guitarist we could ever hope to have. We should be sucking HIS dick just to fucking keep him. What fucking band wouldn't want a talent like his? But you're doing every fucking thing in your power to chase him away. And you know what, Slash isn't the only one you've been chasing away lately.”
“Who else have I tried to chase away?” I ask innocently, but I already know what he intends to say.
He just shakes his head at me. “Me, you dumb ass.”
“Come on Izz, you know you're still my dark angel, and I'm still your fireball,” I nudge his arm.
Izzy rises to his feet and goes over to the window. He peers out it into the alley. “Really?” He sighs and lights himself another cigarette since I stole his other one. He drags deeply from it. “Why haven't you once asked me how Duff is? Were you not fucking hearing me when I said he was fucking raped?” I can hear him exhale, “Raped Axl; meaning some guy stuck his dick up his ass against his will. You above all should know the fucking meaning of the word. Haven't you for one split second thought about that?”
“Izz...” But he was right. I hadn't allowed myself to think of Duff at all. I did have first hand knowledge of what it was like to endure being raped. I should have been more sympathetic.
“Where'd Billy go huh?” He shrugs at me, I hate it when he calls me by my birth name.“Because Axl is cold and hurtful and uncaring and not many people are gonna stick around long for his bullshit. Billy was someone else, someone with a fucking heart. A person who was loyal and decent to people he called friends. And maybe Billy remembers what it was like to be fucking raped huh? Maybe he knows how Duff must feel right now. How scared and ashamed and stupid he must feel. How angry he is on the inside,” he inhales from his cigarette and exhales with a huff, “Too bad Billy's not here anymore, he'd know exactly what to say to Duff...maybe he would even apologize to him.”
“Izzy, you know it's still me,” I sigh.
“Do I? Then why didn't you ask me if Duff was ok? You still fucking haven't,” He shakes his head and draws from his cigarette as his eyes travel once more to the lovely ally view.
“Well...how is he?” I ask.
Izzy glances at me only for a second before allowing his eyes to return to the alley. “Unfortunately he isn't some child who can suppress the memories or forget details. He was raped Axl, I don't know how much more graphically you want me to explain this shit to you. You should be explaining how that shit works to me. You know, how can anyone...” His last words crack a little then break completely off. Izzy's crying. But I know it's not Duff he's crying for. It's me.
I get out of the bed and stand behind him at the window. I loosely wrap my arms around his waist. “We're lucky the shit bags didn't remember us Izz, that ruled us out. I knew I couldn't send the kid, or Steven...Duff was the only hope.”
“You should have given him a choice. You should have warned him. But you sent him alone knowing damn well what that guy wanted. Remember I saved you from that fucking guy? That's because I didn't let you go alone. But you fucking threw Duff to the wolves. They fucking hit him in the head with a bottle and broke it. Then they fucked him Axl. After he said no...they fucked him...and it's your fucking fault.” He removes my arms from his waist and steps away from me.
“I was wrong I guess,” I shrug, “I just figured...fuck he's like 6' fucking 3''.”
“Yeah and that truck driver was bigger than me too. That fat fuck club owner in Seattle was bigger than me. Bigger don't mean shit Axl.”
“I made a bad call.”
“Made a bad fucking call?” He furrows his brows at me. “You know I seriously don't fucking get you sometimes Axe. I think you're seriously fucked up in the head.”
I smirk, my pride wounded, “This coming from someone who won't get out of bed unless he has a fucking fix waiting for him.”
“Yeah, that's the Axl I know,” he nods and snuffs out his cigarette, “remind me one more time of what a fucking junkie piece of shit I am.”
“Izzy,” I sigh, “Lets not make this about us. You're right, Duff needs me to talk to him. I am the only one who knows how he feels inside. And you're right about needing him and the kid. I did a shitty thing, you're right. Don't be mad at me darlin.” I slowly cross over to where he stands with his back to me. I gently kiss his shoulder and rest my hands at his biceps. “Stay with me tonight. Punish me.”
He moves away from me and walks for the door.
“Why do you keep running away from me? You know you want me baby. Haven't you been missing me? I've been missing you. Miss sleeping next to you and waking up with you in my arms. Don't you miss that?” I ask.
He stops as he opens the door and turns to me, “Let's not make this about you and me, right?” Then he disappears out the door.
It was the middle of the day and I was sound asleep. I lived a nightlife, up all night, sleep all day. I had blacked out my windows to fool my body into a false sense of night. I'm abruptly awakened by a hand clasping over my mouth and body weight pressing me down. It wasn't at all unfamiliar. It was dark but I could still smell. I knew that smell anywhere, it was Izzy. My body relaxes under him knowing I have nothing to fear. My eyes start to adjust and I can see his black eyes looking into mine. I know he's most likely angry with me. Mad because I sent Duff off with those guys. Not that he is going to outwardly show me he is angry. Then I find myself questioning if I had locked the door or if Izzy still had a key? But then I remember that it's fucking Izzy, key or no key, if he wanted in he would fucking find a way. He truly had the mind of a criminal.
“How could you have done that Axe?” He asks me softly as he just looks down into my eyes with regret in his own. “You knew what they would do to him.” He then removes his hand from my mouth so I can speak.
I'm not always the friendliest guy when I first wake up, especially with the circumstances of which I find myself currently being awakened. So my opening response comes out a bit harsh. “Well why the fuck should we be the only ones in this band who have to lay down or suck off these pricks?” I snap. “Don't you get sick of that shit Izz?”
Izzy crawls off of me and sits at the edge of my bed, once our bed, and lights a cigarette. I hear him sigh as he runs his hand over the top of his head. “Why Duff alone? One of us should have gone with him Axe.” He seems so weighted down. Like had he have been there things could have gone differently.
“Yeah, well you know what they say, gentleman prefer blonds right? Last I checked neither of us were blonds,” I snort.
I can see his eyes flutter but he doesn't look at me. He drags from his cigarette and squints one eye at the smoke billowing into it. “Do you even give a fuck enough to know what happened to him?” Izzy exhales. His eyes focus on the wall like he is deep in thought.
He's going into his shut down mode. He just goes blank and completely numb. Complete shutdown. Lights are on but nobody's home. He always gets like this when he wants to scream and yell. But Izzy very rarely ever yelled. Izzy didn't like to yell. Cool was Izzy's style. He just shut out all emotion because he hated to feel. He would be detached completely, indifferent to everything. It was a coping device he had. I wish that was one safety mechanism I could develop. But not everything with Izzy meets the eye.
Quiet and calm weren't always what was going on inside his head. He could turn on a dime and you would never see it coming. A silent Izzy wasn't to be trusted. You never knew what to expect when he got like this. There wasn't much I could put past him when he got this way. I didn't trust his silence at all, it made me always on edge. A silence like this was the sort of thing that would always come just before he put a knife to someone's throat. Or before he would hijack an 18 wheeler. So I've got my eye on him.
“Heeeee...took one for the team?” I shrug and jerk the cigarette away from his lips and put it to my own.
Izzy just drops his head and folds his hands together resting on his elbows. “If you call being raped taking one for the team,” his words almost whisper. Given my background this was always a topic that bothered Izzy. Perhaps even more than it bothered me.
“What?”
“Yeah you heard me Axl. I said raped,” he nods, “He had to throw himself from a moving vehicle just to get the fuck away,” Izzy's calm tone had never before seemed more eerie. His head turns to face me. He just stares at me for a minute. He looks at me as if I'm inhuman and he is ashamed to know me, ashamed to be in the same room as me. “You're cruel Axl. You sent Duff with those guys knowing damn well what would happen. You sent him to punish Slash for that stupid slut we fucked together. You did it to punish me for turning you down that night in the diner. You did it because Duff is happier than you. You're fucking insane and goddamn cruel man. You think Duff is gonna stay in this band now? You think Slash won't follow him? That fucking kid is better than any guitarist we could ever hope to have. We should be sucking HIS dick just to fucking keep him. What fucking band wouldn't want a talent like his? But you're doing every fucking thing in your power to chase him away. And you know what, Slash isn't the only one you've been chasing away lately.”
“Who else have I tried to chase away?” I ask innocently, but I already know what he intends to say.
He just shakes his head at me. “Me, you dumb ass.”
“Come on Izz, you know you're still my dark angel, and I'm still your fireball,” I nudge his arm.
Izzy rises to his feet and goes over to the window. He peers out it into the alley. “Really?” He sighs and lights himself another cigarette since I stole his other one. He drags deeply from it. “Why haven't you once asked me how Duff is? Were you not fucking hearing me when I said he was fucking raped?” I can hear him exhale, “Raped Axl; meaning some guy stuck his dick up his ass against his will. You above all should know the fucking meaning of the word. Haven't you for one split second thought about that?”
“Izz...” But he was right. I hadn't allowed myself to think of Duff at all. I did have first hand knowledge of what it was like to endure being raped. I should have been more sympathetic.
“Where'd Billy go huh?” He shrugs at me, I hate it when he calls me by my birth name.“Because Axl is cold and hurtful and uncaring and not many people are gonna stick around long for his bullshit. Billy was someone else, someone with a fucking heart. A person who was loyal and decent to people he called friends. And maybe Billy remembers what it was like to be fucking raped huh? Maybe he knows how Duff must feel right now. How scared and ashamed and stupid he must feel. How angry he is on the inside,” he inhales from his cigarette and exhales with a huff, “Too bad Billy's not here anymore, he'd know exactly what to say to Duff...maybe he would even apologize to him.”
“Izzy, you know it's still me,” I sigh.
“Do I? Then why didn't you ask me if Duff was ok? You still fucking haven't,” He shakes his head and draws from his cigarette as his eyes travel once more to the lovely ally view.
“Well...how is he?” I ask.
Izzy glances at me only for a second before allowing his eyes to return to the alley. “Unfortunately he isn't some child who can suppress the memories or forget details. He was raped Axl, I don't know how much more graphically you want me to explain this shit to you. You should be explaining how that shit works to me. You know, how can anyone...” His last words crack a little then break completely off. Izzy's crying. But I know it's not Duff he's crying for. It's me.
I get out of the bed and stand behind him at the window. I loosely wrap my arms around his waist. “We're lucky the shit bags didn't remember us Izz, that ruled us out. I knew I couldn't send the kid, or Steven...Duff was the only hope.”
“You should have given him a choice. You should have warned him. But you sent him alone knowing damn well what that guy wanted. Remember I saved you from that fucking guy? That's because I didn't let you go alone. But you fucking threw Duff to the wolves. They fucking hit him in the head with a bottle and broke it. Then they fucked him Axl. After he said no...they fucked him...and it's your fucking fault.” He removes my arms from his waist and steps away from me.
“I was wrong I guess,” I shrug, “I just figured...fuck he's like 6' fucking 3''.”
“Yeah and that truck driver was bigger than me too. That fat fuck club owner in Seattle was bigger than me. Bigger don't mean shit Axl.”
“I made a bad call.”
“Made a bad fucking call?” He furrows his brows at me. “You know I seriously don't fucking get you sometimes Axe. I think you're seriously fucked up in the head.”
I smirk, my pride wounded, “This coming from someone who won't get out of bed unless he has a fucking fix waiting for him.”
“Yeah, that's the Axl I know,” he nods and snuffs out his cigarette, “remind me one more time of what a fucking junkie piece of shit I am.”
“Izzy,” I sigh, “Lets not make this about us. You're right, Duff needs me to talk to him. I am the only one who knows how he feels inside. And you're right about needing him and the kid. I did a shitty thing, you're right. Don't be mad at me darlin.” I slowly cross over to where he stands with his back to me. I gently kiss his shoulder and rest my hands at his biceps. “Stay with me tonight. Punish me.”
He moves away from me and walks for the door.
“Why do you keep running away from me? You know you want me baby. Haven't you been missing me? I've been missing you. Miss sleeping next to you and waking up with you in my arms. Don't you miss that?” I ask.
He stops as he opens the door and turns to me, “Let's not make this about you and me, right?” Then he disappears out the door.
Sign up to rate and review this story