Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
I can’t tell you that sleeping with Angela helped anything in some ways. I mean yeah; it brought me closer to her but I knew it was different for her than me. I had been hurt enough lately and I wasn’t about to let myself get caught up in caring about her; she’d try and find some reason to push me away too just like Axl had. Everyone pushed me away sooner or later; even my family didn’t want me around and they didn’t even live near me! Just the fact that I was a junkie was enough to drive them off. The only people who hadn’t pushed me away because of that shit were Slash and Duff; ok and Angie hadn’t yet.
I come back in the house from talking to Axl about Duff and Slash is coming out of the bathroom in clean clothes with his black curls dripping down his back. “Hey kid, feel better after a shower?” I ask. “Duff sleeping?”
He peeks into the bedroom silently and shuts the door softly. “Yeah, he’s finally out, he needs the rest. C’mon, let’s watch TV or something,” he sighs. Poor kid looks exhausted, puffy eyes, dark circles, eyes full of sadness and confusion; he just looks lost.
I walk over to him and tilt his chin up to look at me and brush his hair out of his eyes. “You ok?” I ask him quietly. He nods but his bottom lip quivers and his eyes fill with tears. “It’s scary isn’t? You don’t know what to do and how to make it better? You don’t know if you should touch him or not, you’re angry and you want to kill whoever hurt him, you’re exhausted physically and emotionally, I’ve been there. Axl won’t ever tell you but his step dad’s one crazy perverted freak! He used to wait until Billy, I mean Axl’s mom was out and so were his brother and sister and then he’d corner him and just take what he wanted. He also beat the shit out of him for everything, any little thing he did wrong. He’d just show up at my house and crawl in the window; didn’t matter if it was daytime or the middle of the night and I never knew what to do either; it’s part of why Axl’s so fucked up in the head.”
Slash just looks at me and raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that, it would explain a lot I guess…” he trails off.
“Seriously though Curly Sue, you need to take a nap and I’ll keep an eye on Duff ok?”
“No Izzy, I’ll do it, it’s ok. I told him I’d take care of him!” Slash says, his voice trembling. The tears finally spill over and I pull him into me and wrap my arms around him. He slumps against me and I hug him hard and nuzzle into his wet hair where his face is buried in my shoulder.
I don’t say anything for a minute and then I tell him “You’re doing a good job, you’ve done everything right, you did great with him last night.”
He pulls back a little so he can breathe and whispers “I don’t know what to do, I’m just trying to do what he asks and make sure he’s comfortable and that he feels safe. I’m so angry at those guys who hurt him and every time I think about what happened to him I want to throw up; how could somebody do that to him Izzy? Just…why Izzy? He’s all torn up back there and he was bleeding but I don’t know how bad it is but there was blood on his boxers this morning; he just made me help him into the shower but he wouldn’t let me come with him so I don’t know how bad the tearing is or if he’s bleeding from inside or what, he won’t tell me, he just said he’s fine. But he’s not fine; he’s a fucking wreck! I just keep telling him I love him and that I’m here but it’s not enough Izzy!”
“
It is enough; it’s what he needs, it’s what he’s asking for. Trust me kid, I’ve been on both sides and the best thing you can give him is your love. If he wants you to hold him do it; if he wants to be alone give him space; just let him know that you’ll be there for whatever he needs. Let me tell you something, Duff loves you like crazy and he’s counting on you to be there and I know it’s hard but you just do the best you can and I’m here if you need to talk or you need a break ok? You did an amazing job with him last night; you did what I wish Axl had done the night I came home from that meeting with the Electra scouts…” my mind trails off to how badly I’d wanted Axl to hold me so I could break down and cry but I couldn’t tell him; he’d have gone fucking ballistic. “Come on kid, lay down, you look like you’re going to fall asleep standing up. You’ve been up since yesterday afternoon; rest so that you can be there for him the way you need to be and not be exhausted and wound up. Angie’s at the grocery store; she’s going to make dinner later. After your nap you and Duff both need to eat.”
“You done mothering me yet Stradlin?” Slash asks and grins.
“No, not until you lay down over there and rest like I told you! In your recliner, now!” He laughs and settles down in his chair and I cover him up with the Seahawks blanket that belongs to Duff and he starts to doze almost immediately. Poor kid is exhausted and the emotional exhaustion only adds to how tired he is. I go back and crack the bedroom door so that I can hear Duff if he gets up and I see that Fang is camped out next to him; sitting like a meatloaf with a head but he very clearly considers himself to be on guard duty.
I turn to walk out of the room and suddenly a furball with teeth is wrapped around my foot! “You little fucker that hurts!” I exclaim and reach down to pick the kitten up but he wants to play and he rolls up around my hand and digs at my arm with his back feet; disemboweling his imagined prey and then zooms under the bed. Crazy fucking thing; I like having him around, he makes all of us laugh and god knows we need it. Every single one of us treats him like he’s our baby; buying him toys and treats when we can, taking his picture, telling stories about him. Axl says we’ve turned into scary cat ladies. Slash is very clearly Fang’s favorite person though; it was love at first sight for Fang and if the kitten hears Slash walk in the door he comes flying out from wherever he is and climbs up Slash’s pant leg to get to him while Slash curses about his legs being clawed. But then he’ll pick the kitten up and kiss it and talk to it and sit it up on his shoulder where it hangs by it’s nails around his neck half the time. Is there any living creature on Earth that doesn’t instantly fall in love with Slash? Well, there is Axl I guess.
About an hour later Fang comes careening into the living room and jumps on me meowing. “What do you want you little shit?” I ask him and stroke his head. He runs over to the end of the couch and turns around and looks at me and meows again. I don’t do anything so he runs back to me and then runs to the end of the couch and looks at me like “Let’s go stupid!” so I get up and follow the cat down the hall to the bedroom. He jumps up on the bed beside Duff’s face and nuzzles him. Duff is awake and he pets the kitten. “Fucker came and told me you were awake,” I laugh.
“Yeah, he thinks he’s guarding me,” Duff laughs, flipping the kitten over onto his back and playing with him as Fang bites at his fingers. “Where’s Slash?”
“He’s asleep in the recliner; I made him lay down and take a nap because he was about to pass out on his feet.”
“Yeah he’s been up all night and most of the day taking care of me and sitting in the ER waiting on me. He’s been really good to me,” Duff murmurs.
“He really loves you; I thought he was going to lose his mind until we found you last night he was so worried and then he was still worried because you were hurt. I practically had to force him into the recliner to rest because he didn’t want to be away from you,” I tell Duff.
“Last night I kept thinking that if I could just get back to him everything would be ok; that I’d be fine if I could just get to him. All I wanted was to feel his arms around me and to hear his soft voice. Then when you guys found me and he was holding me in the car I felt so safe; he’s my everything Izz.”
“Well I’m pretty sure you’re his everything too. How are you physically though? Less pain today or the same?”
“The same. You mind giving me two of those pills and helping me to the bathroom?”
“Sure man,” I answer and hand him two percocets and the glass of water from the nightstand. I help him up and ask him “Everything, you know, back there ok? If there’s any tears you need to make sure you clean them with alcohol ok?”
“We don’t have any so I used vodka,” he says glibly. I look at him and we both start giggling like idiots. It’s not that funny but the idea of him cleaning his ass with vodka strikes us as hilarious; probably because we need the emotional release. We giggle all the way over to the bathroom. Duff cleans up and brushes his teeth and says that he wants to come and watch TV with me in the living room. We walk out there and Duff bends over and kisses Slash on the mouth. He didn’t mean to wake him but Slash stirs. I see a small smile cross his lips and his hands reach up and cup Duff’s face.
“Baby what are you doing walking around? You should be resting!”
“I’m ok Slash, I needed to get out of the bedroom for a little while I was starting to get stir crazy and my arms and legs are stiff, don’t worry, I’m ok,” Duff assures him.
“Can I sit with you on the couch and hold you?” Slash asks him quietly.
Duff’s eyes light up and he says “I would love that! Just be careful; everything still really hurts.” The two of them get themselves arranged on the sofa and we settle in and watch Miami Vice reruns. The night’s uneventful and Angie makes us spaghetti with sauce not out of a jar and it’s really good. I find myself wondering what Axl’s eating tonight but I push the thought out of my mind. As the hours pass I find myself looking forward to being alone with Angela and I’m thrilled when Slash and Duff shut their bedroom door for the night.
Angela gets up and starts to put out the pile of blankets and cushions that we’ve been using for bedding and I jump up to help her. We’d found one of those foam rubber mattress pads at the Salvation Army and along with a couple of sleeping bags spread over top of it it made a decent mattress; better than nothing anyway. We both strip down for the night and crawl under the sheet and camoflauge blaket that Duff and Slash bought me and we split the pillows. C’mere pretty girl,” I plead quietly and pull her into my arms.
“Think you can have me any time now that you’ve had me once?” she jokes.
“Well I was hoping…” I tease as I lean over and kiss her. We make out for a little while and my hands find their way up underneath her t-shirt. I tease her nipples with my thumbs and she sucks her breath in as they harden and I smile at her response.
“Mmm Izzy your kisses drive me crazy,” she breathes.
“That’s the idea,” I reply and pull her shirt up over her head. We spend the next several hours making love but the best part for me was having her in my arms afterwards and just talking. I told her everything that happened to Duff, everything that had happened lately between me and Axl, just so many things. She told me about her childhood and how she ended up in LA with that creep who would sell her for dope. She cried through the parts where she’d had to have sex when she didn’t want to and I held her and stroked her hair. “Shh, it’s alright Sugar, I know it was bad but it’ll never happen again; I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to worry, I’ll take care of you. I may not have much but what I do have you’re welcome to ok?”
“Thanks Izzy. Are you ever going to be able to love me?” she asked and her eyes were so vulnerable.
“I’m getting there Sugar, just give me some time. We just gotta have a little patience.”
That seemed to satisfy her because she snuggled closer to me and said “Good night my sweet Izzy
“Good night Sugar. I laid there and stroked her hair until she fell asleep.
I can’t tell you that sleeping with Angela helped anything in some ways. I mean yeah; it brought me closer to her but I knew it was different for her than me. I had been hurt enough lately and I wasn’t about to let myself get caught up in caring about her; she’d try and find some reason to push me away too just like Axl had. Everyone pushed me away sooner or later; even my family didn’t want me around and they didn’t even live near me! Just the fact that I was a junkie was enough to drive them off. The only people who hadn’t pushed me away because of that shit were Slash and Duff; ok and Angie hadn’t yet.
I come back in the house from talking to Axl about Duff and Slash is coming out of the bathroom in clean clothes with his black curls dripping down his back. “Hey kid, feel better after a shower?” I ask. “Duff sleeping?”
He peeks into the bedroom silently and shuts the door softly. “Yeah, he’s finally out, he needs the rest. C’mon, let’s watch TV or something,” he sighs. Poor kid looks exhausted, puffy eyes, dark circles, eyes full of sadness and confusion; he just looks lost.
I walk over to him and tilt his chin up to look at me and brush his hair out of his eyes. “You ok?” I ask him quietly. He nods but his bottom lip quivers and his eyes fill with tears. “It’s scary isn’t? You don’t know what to do and how to make it better? You don’t know if you should touch him or not, you’re angry and you want to kill whoever hurt him, you’re exhausted physically and emotionally, I’ve been there. Axl won’t ever tell you but his step dad’s one crazy perverted freak! He used to wait until Billy, I mean Axl’s mom was out and so were his brother and sister and then he’d corner him and just take what he wanted. He also beat the shit out of him for everything, any little thing he did wrong. He’d just show up at my house and crawl in the window; didn’t matter if it was daytime or the middle of the night and I never knew what to do either; it’s part of why Axl’s so fucked up in the head.”
Slash just looks at me and raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that, it would explain a lot I guess…” he trails off.
“Seriously though Curly Sue, you need to take a nap and I’ll keep an eye on Duff ok?”
“No Izzy, I’ll do it, it’s ok. I told him I’d take care of him!” Slash says, his voice trembling. The tears finally spill over and I pull him into me and wrap my arms around him. He slumps against me and I hug him hard and nuzzle into his wet hair where his face is buried in my shoulder.
I don’t say anything for a minute and then I tell him “You’re doing a good job, you’ve done everything right, you did great with him last night.”
He pulls back a little so he can breathe and whispers “I don’t know what to do, I’m just trying to do what he asks and make sure he’s comfortable and that he feels safe. I’m so angry at those guys who hurt him and every time I think about what happened to him I want to throw up; how could somebody do that to him Izzy? Just…why Izzy? He’s all torn up back there and he was bleeding but I don’t know how bad it is but there was blood on his boxers this morning; he just made me help him into the shower but he wouldn’t let me come with him so I don’t know how bad the tearing is or if he’s bleeding from inside or what, he won’t tell me, he just said he’s fine. But he’s not fine; he’s a fucking wreck! I just keep telling him I love him and that I’m here but it’s not enough Izzy!”
“
It is enough; it’s what he needs, it’s what he’s asking for. Trust me kid, I’ve been on both sides and the best thing you can give him is your love. If he wants you to hold him do it; if he wants to be alone give him space; just let him know that you’ll be there for whatever he needs. Let me tell you something, Duff loves you like crazy and he’s counting on you to be there and I know it’s hard but you just do the best you can and I’m here if you need to talk or you need a break ok? You did an amazing job with him last night; you did what I wish Axl had done the night I came home from that meeting with the Electra scouts…” my mind trails off to how badly I’d wanted Axl to hold me so I could break down and cry but I couldn’t tell him; he’d have gone fucking ballistic. “Come on kid, lay down, you look like you’re going to fall asleep standing up. You’ve been up since yesterday afternoon; rest so that you can be there for him the way you need to be and not be exhausted and wound up. Angie’s at the grocery store; she’s going to make dinner later. After your nap you and Duff both need to eat.”
“You done mothering me yet Stradlin?” Slash asks and grins.
“No, not until you lay down over there and rest like I told you! In your recliner, now!” He laughs and settles down in his chair and I cover him up with the Seahawks blanket that belongs to Duff and he starts to doze almost immediately. Poor kid is exhausted and the emotional exhaustion only adds to how tired he is. I go back and crack the bedroom door so that I can hear Duff if he gets up and I see that Fang is camped out next to him; sitting like a meatloaf with a head but he very clearly considers himself to be on guard duty.
I turn to walk out of the room and suddenly a furball with teeth is wrapped around my foot! “You little fucker that hurts!” I exclaim and reach down to pick the kitten up but he wants to play and he rolls up around my hand and digs at my arm with his back feet; disemboweling his imagined prey and then zooms under the bed. Crazy fucking thing; I like having him around, he makes all of us laugh and god knows we need it. Every single one of us treats him like he’s our baby; buying him toys and treats when we can, taking his picture, telling stories about him. Axl says we’ve turned into scary cat ladies. Slash is very clearly Fang’s favorite person though; it was love at first sight for Fang and if the kitten hears Slash walk in the door he comes flying out from wherever he is and climbs up Slash’s pant leg to get to him while Slash curses about his legs being clawed. But then he’ll pick the kitten up and kiss it and talk to it and sit it up on his shoulder where it hangs by it’s nails around his neck half the time. Is there any living creature on Earth that doesn’t instantly fall in love with Slash? Well, there is Axl I guess.
About an hour later Fang comes careening into the living room and jumps on me meowing. “What do you want you little shit?” I ask him and stroke his head. He runs over to the end of the couch and turns around and looks at me and meows again. I don’t do anything so he runs back to me and then runs to the end of the couch and looks at me like “Let’s go stupid!” so I get up and follow the cat down the hall to the bedroom. He jumps up on the bed beside Duff’s face and nuzzles him. Duff is awake and he pets the kitten. “Fucker came and told me you were awake,” I laugh.
“Yeah, he thinks he’s guarding me,” Duff laughs, flipping the kitten over onto his back and playing with him as Fang bites at his fingers. “Where’s Slash?”
“He’s asleep in the recliner; I made him lay down and take a nap because he was about to pass out on his feet.”
“Yeah he’s been up all night and most of the day taking care of me and sitting in the ER waiting on me. He’s been really good to me,” Duff murmurs.
“He really loves you; I thought he was going to lose his mind until we found you last night he was so worried and then he was still worried because you were hurt. I practically had to force him into the recliner to rest because he didn’t want to be away from you,” I tell Duff.
“Last night I kept thinking that if I could just get back to him everything would be ok; that I’d be fine if I could just get to him. All I wanted was to feel his arms around me and to hear his soft voice. Then when you guys found me and he was holding me in the car I felt so safe; he’s my everything Izz.”
“Well I’m pretty sure you’re his everything too. How are you physically though? Less pain today or the same?”
“The same. You mind giving me two of those pills and helping me to the bathroom?”
“Sure man,” I answer and hand him two percocets and the glass of water from the nightstand. I help him up and ask him “Everything, you know, back there ok? If there’s any tears you need to make sure you clean them with alcohol ok?”
“We don’t have any so I used vodka,” he says glibly. I look at him and we both start giggling like idiots. It’s not that funny but the idea of him cleaning his ass with vodka strikes us as hilarious; probably because we need the emotional release. We giggle all the way over to the bathroom. Duff cleans up and brushes his teeth and says that he wants to come and watch TV with me in the living room. We walk out there and Duff bends over and kisses Slash on the mouth. He didn’t mean to wake him but Slash stirs. I see a small smile cross his lips and his hands reach up and cup Duff’s face.
“Baby what are you doing walking around? You should be resting!”
“I’m ok Slash, I needed to get out of the bedroom for a little while I was starting to get stir crazy and my arms and legs are stiff, don’t worry, I’m ok,” Duff assures him.
“Can I sit with you on the couch and hold you?” Slash asks him quietly.
Duff’s eyes light up and he says “I would love that! Just be careful; everything still really hurts.” The two of them get themselves arranged on the sofa and we settle in and watch Miami Vice reruns. The night’s uneventful and Angie makes us spaghetti with sauce not out of a jar and it’s really good. I find myself wondering what Axl’s eating tonight but I push the thought out of my mind. As the hours pass I find myself looking forward to being alone with Angela and I’m thrilled when Slash and Duff shut their bedroom door for the night.
Angela gets up and starts to put out the pile of blankets and cushions that we’ve been using for bedding and I jump up to help her. We’d found one of those foam rubber mattress pads at the Salvation Army and along with a couple of sleeping bags spread over top of it it made a decent mattress; better than nothing anyway. We both strip down for the night and crawl under the sheet and camoflauge blaket that Duff and Slash bought me and we split the pillows. C’mere pretty girl,” I plead quietly and pull her into my arms.
“Think you can have me any time now that you’ve had me once?” she jokes.
“Well I was hoping…” I tease as I lean over and kiss her. We make out for a little while and my hands find their way up underneath her t-shirt. I tease her nipples with my thumbs and she sucks her breath in as they harden and I smile at her response.
“Mmm Izzy your kisses drive me crazy,” she breathes.
“That’s the idea,” I reply and pull her shirt up over her head. We spend the next several hours making love but the best part for me was having her in my arms afterwards and just talking. I told her everything that happened to Duff, everything that had happened lately between me and Axl, just so many things. She told me about her childhood and how she ended up in LA with that creep who would sell her for dope. She cried through the parts where she’d had to have sex when she didn’t want to and I held her and stroked her hair. “Shh, it’s alright Sugar, I know it was bad but it’ll never happen again; I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to worry, I’ll take care of you. I may not have much but what I do have you’re welcome to ok?”
“Thanks Izzy. Are you ever going to be able to love me?” she asked and her eyes were so vulnerable.
“I’m getting there Sugar, just give me some time. We just gotta have a little patience.”
That seemed to satisfy her because she snuggled closer to me and said “Good night my sweet Izzy
“Good night Sugar. I laid there and stroked her hair until she fell asleep.
Sign up to rate and review this story