Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
Slash is a strung out mess. He sleeps through us getting him out of the storage unit and into the hotel room; he just sort of stirs in Duff’s arms and buries his face in Duff’s blonde hair and passes out again. I peel the covers back on one of the double beds and Duff lays Slash down and peels his clothes off down to his underwear; the less puke or piss covered clothing we have to deal with the better. He covers him back up and lays down next to him on top of the bed spread. Duff strokes the kid’s curls back out of his face and kisses his cheek.
I feel terrible for him. I walked into our rehearsal/living space about a half an hour before I came back in with Axl and neither Duff nor Slash saw me. Slash had turned into a furious, hateful little fiend and was calling Duff an alcoholic mother fucker that pimped him out and Duff was just sitting in front of him on the bed taking it all and crying. Slash had thrashed around so much that his wrists were bloody and bruised and a sheen of sweat covered his naked torso. I knew exactly what was going on and I felt so bad for getting Slash started on smack no matter what my reason was. I knew something bad must have happened or Duff obviously wouldn’t have him tied to the bed. I snuck back out and went to find Axl because I knew he would have some valium to calm Slash down and knock him out and also to save both of them the embarrassment of knowing that I saw and heard the whole thing.
When I came back the second time Slash had gone silent and Duff was just sitting against the wall staring at a spot somewhere between him and the ceiling. I joked about it being easier to have sex with Slash naked but it didn’t get any laughs; not that I really expected it to, I was just breaking the tension. Hope flashed in Slash’s eyes when he saw me; he knew that I couldn’t deny him very much, I almost always gave in to him no matter what he wanted. I had only stopped supplying him because Duff had asked me to. “Izzy,” he pleaded, “please give me some smack, there’s money in my bag over there; Duff tied me up and said I can’t leave because he doesn’t want me using anymore; he doesn’t understand; I’m getting so sick! Please Izzy!” Tears rolled down his pretty cheeks and which caused tears to roll down Duff’s cheeks and the two of them crying made me want to kill myself with guilt.
I felt like so much of what happened to the two of them was my fault; I had let Duff go with the guys who raped him even though I knew they would probably try something with him, I had gotten the kid hooked on smack as a mental and physical pain killer. I should never have given him any; not that night at Nikki’s, not to help him get through what he had to do with those guys from Virgin, not to help him kill the pain after that one guy really hurt him and he wouldn’t go to the hospital and he was hiding it from Duff because he was the one who was supposed to be caring for Duff at the time and not the other way around.
I want to give in so badly and shoot him up; take away the nausea and other horrible things I know he’s feelling. When you go through withdrawl your skin crawls, you sweat, you can’t regulate your body temperature, you panic, things that didn’t ever give you anxiety suddenly freak you the hell out, it’s the worst thing ever. “How long has it been kid?” I ask him, squatting down beside him to get a good look at him.
“Since about dark yesterday, please Izzy please!” he begs.
“I found him passed out in a gutter after somebody robbed him! He’s all strung out; DO NOT let him go and don’t give him smack!” Duff growls and I have no doubt that if I attempt to do either he’ll knock me the fuck out.
I shake my head at Slash and watch the hope of relief disintegrate in his eyes. “It’s better if you sleep through this part kid,” I tell him as Axl hands me a bunch of valium. “Eat them like candy, they’re even a little sweet,” I coax him and push them past his lips. He chews them up and swallows them and I get him to drink a little water from a bottle Duff has laying on the bunk. I sit and talk to him for a few minutes while Axl distracts Duff and walks him across the alley to take a piss at the gas station. When they come back we stick around about 20 more minutes until Slash gets sleepy then the belt from around his wrists and let him sleep.
Now we’re here in a room at the Vista Del Mar Motor Inn waiting for all hell to break loose. “Duff, I’m going to run out and get some supplies while he’s sleeping what do you want to eat?” I ask him.
“Whatever we can afford Izz, my wallet’s on the table over there and Slash doesn’t have his,” he answers.
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it, I’ve got it. Gas station sandwiches, candy bars, chips, and Nightrain it is! There’s a microwave in here, I’ll get Slash a can of soup and stop by the unit for a bowl and spoon. “Duff, we’ll be back soon and hopefully we’ll find Steven in one piece. Does one of us need to stay to help you with him?” I ask.
“No, he’s mine and I’ll take care of him,” Duff whispers and I see tears running down his face again.
“Hey, I heard him yelling at you earlier; he didn’t mean any of it. When you start to get sick the way he’s getting sick you go a little crazy; you’ll say and do anything to stop that feeling and I mean anything; even break down someone you love so much they’ll throw you out so you can go score. The fact that you ignored him and stuck by him shows you really love him Duff,” I say and pat him on the shoulder. “He knows that and he’s gonna need every bit of your love in the next few hours.”
“Do I really love him or am I just really stupid for putting up with this shit from yet one more person who’s supposed to love me?” Duff sighs and blows smoke towards the ceiling; his fist clenching on his leg.
“I don’t know what happened before Duff but I know that kid adores you and got strung out just trying to keep you from knowing he was hurting so he could take care of you because you needed him badly and he knew you would switch roles on him if you knew how much pain he was really in. He didn’t do it to defy you or anything; it just happened. He has nightmares too; did you know that? Not loud, screaming, panicking ones like yours but the kind where you wake up totally frozen in fear and can’t move because if you do whatever you’re afraid of might get you?”
Duff looks up at me in disbelief. “What? He never said anything! How do you know and I don’t?”
“Cause I went to get up and go to work one night and I looked over at your bed and he scared the fuck out of me because his eyes were open but he wasn’t moving. I thought maybe he was dead or something! But I walked over and checked him out and his eyes followed me but he was just curled into a ball; stiff and trembling and I could feel his heart pounding when I rubbed his back. He couldn’t answer me for a long time when I asked what was wrong. I finally calmed him down and he was dreaming about that guy from Virgin only in his dream it was the guy who jerked off on the couch at Vikki’s taking turns with the guy that actually hurt him and that when they were done they told him they’d never give him a record deal. Then when he came home and told you that you beat him up for it; pretty bad fucking dream. He said he has it a lot; so just give him a little break, there’s more going on under the surface than you know about. He really wants to be the strong one for you once in a while Duff; he doesn’t want you to feel like you always have to be the one caring for him.”
“I know Izzy; it’s not that I don’t want his care I just naturally need to take care of everyone, especially him because I love him. He’s my sweet Curly Sue…”
“I know, and he knows that too but right now he’s not going to act like your sweet Curly Sue; he’s going to act like a desperate dope fiend who will stoop to any level to get what he needs because it’s not just the nausea, it feels like things are crawling on your skin, you get hot, you get cold, you sweat, you shiver, you panic over shit that didn’t bother you yesterday; your brain feels like it’s sparking out of control, you can’t eat but your belly burns from being hungry It’s awful Duff; give him a break, being a junkie isn’t something you should wish on your worst enemy and definitely not on that sweet kid. I’m sorry for my part in it and I’m sorry he’s being such an asshole to you now but he’ll be sorry when he comes to his senses ok? I promise.
“I should never have agreed to to let him go with those guys from Virgin or anyone else!” Duff sobs. “Then he would never have gotten into this situation!”
“Don’t kid yourself Duff,” Axl huffs from the doorway. “I’m the one who talked him into that kind of shit that night at Vikki’s. He didn’t want to but I talked him into doing something for the band. The poor kid was nervous and scared as hell but it got us an offer; I didn’t know it was going to come with the stipulation that he was going to have to fuck those other two guys too before we got to actually sign the contract. So some of it’s my fault too.”
“He was scared and you knew it and you talked him into it anyway?” Duff growls and starts to get up the bed. Axl quickly moves to put a handful of valium on the table like a peace offering and we both hurry out the door before Duff can kill us or Curly Sue can see us. Nothing like seeing a dope dealer next to your sick bed to make you want more dope; it would just be cruel.
When we get outside to complete our quest for food and to locate Steven I turn and look at Axl. “I never asked you about that night with Slash; what happened?”
“Fucking guy wanted to watch us fuck each other, kid was scared as hell, I talked him through it, he was fine and we both agreed never to speak of it again except I should have figured his heart’s too soft and he would break down and tell Duff,” Axl sighed.
“Axl you did make him do anything he didn’t want to did you? Make him afraid to say no?” I ask warily, half expecting a blow from Axl’s fist.
“No, I couldn’t do that to the kid; maybe to Steven because he’s dumb as a box of rocks and gets the fuck on my nerves but not to Slash; I just, got him into it you know? I can make people besides you hot you know? He got it up for me just fine thank you very much! I just tried to make him comfortable.”
“Uh huh; I’m sure you just made him “comfortable” I joked with him, purposely bumping into his shoulder and laughing. He blushes.
“I, I just did what I had to do to get him through it and not freak him out!” Axl stammered, looking more flustered with every word.
“Sooo was he any good? I ask and raise and lower my eyebrows quickly at Axl to indicate my avid interest.
“I thought you weren’t interested in the kid!” Axl said; needling me for all those times I had claimed I wasn’t.
“I’m not but come on everyone in town wants to know and you’ve actually had him! You’re also the best one to tell because you didn’t make him cry; he may actually have enjoyed himself with you a little!”
Axl’s faceturns purple. “He enjoyed himself,” Axl mutters. “He’s good alright! How can he not be good and be as big as he is? He could tear somebody’s ass up with that big fucking dick but he doesn’t he’s gentle with it or whatever; to answer your questions yes he’s good ok? Now shut up we’ve got an idiot to find!
Slash is a strung out mess. He sleeps through us getting him out of the storage unit and into the hotel room; he just sort of stirs in Duff’s arms and buries his face in Duff’s blonde hair and passes out again. I peel the covers back on one of the double beds and Duff lays Slash down and peels his clothes off down to his underwear; the less puke or piss covered clothing we have to deal with the better. He covers him back up and lays down next to him on top of the bed spread. Duff strokes the kid’s curls back out of his face and kisses his cheek.
I feel terrible for him. I walked into our rehearsal/living space about a half an hour before I came back in with Axl and neither Duff nor Slash saw me. Slash had turned into a furious, hateful little fiend and was calling Duff an alcoholic mother fucker that pimped him out and Duff was just sitting in front of him on the bed taking it all and crying. Slash had thrashed around so much that his wrists were bloody and bruised and a sheen of sweat covered his naked torso. I knew exactly what was going on and I felt so bad for getting Slash started on smack no matter what my reason was. I knew something bad must have happened or Duff obviously wouldn’t have him tied to the bed. I snuck back out and went to find Axl because I knew he would have some valium to calm Slash down and knock him out and also to save both of them the embarrassment of knowing that I saw and heard the whole thing.
When I came back the second time Slash had gone silent and Duff was just sitting against the wall staring at a spot somewhere between him and the ceiling. I joked about it being easier to have sex with Slash naked but it didn’t get any laughs; not that I really expected it to, I was just breaking the tension. Hope flashed in Slash’s eyes when he saw me; he knew that I couldn’t deny him very much, I almost always gave in to him no matter what he wanted. I had only stopped supplying him because Duff had asked me to. “Izzy,” he pleaded, “please give me some smack, there’s money in my bag over there; Duff tied me up and said I can’t leave because he doesn’t want me using anymore; he doesn’t understand; I’m getting so sick! Please Izzy!” Tears rolled down his pretty cheeks and which caused tears to roll down Duff’s cheeks and the two of them crying made me want to kill myself with guilt.
I felt like so much of what happened to the two of them was my fault; I had let Duff go with the guys who raped him even though I knew they would probably try something with him, I had gotten the kid hooked on smack as a mental and physical pain killer. I should never have given him any; not that night at Nikki’s, not to help him get through what he had to do with those guys from Virgin, not to help him kill the pain after that one guy really hurt him and he wouldn’t go to the hospital and he was hiding it from Duff because he was the one who was supposed to be caring for Duff at the time and not the other way around.
I want to give in so badly and shoot him up; take away the nausea and other horrible things I know he’s feelling. When you go through withdrawl your skin crawls, you sweat, you can’t regulate your body temperature, you panic, things that didn’t ever give you anxiety suddenly freak you the hell out, it’s the worst thing ever. “How long has it been kid?” I ask him, squatting down beside him to get a good look at him.
“Since about dark yesterday, please Izzy please!” he begs.
“I found him passed out in a gutter after somebody robbed him! He’s all strung out; DO NOT let him go and don’t give him smack!” Duff growls and I have no doubt that if I attempt to do either he’ll knock me the fuck out.
I shake my head at Slash and watch the hope of relief disintegrate in his eyes. “It’s better if you sleep through this part kid,” I tell him as Axl hands me a bunch of valium. “Eat them like candy, they’re even a little sweet,” I coax him and push them past his lips. He chews them up and swallows them and I get him to drink a little water from a bottle Duff has laying on the bunk. I sit and talk to him for a few minutes while Axl distracts Duff and walks him across the alley to take a piss at the gas station. When they come back we stick around about 20 more minutes until Slash gets sleepy then the belt from around his wrists and let him sleep.
Now we’re here in a room at the Vista Del Mar Motor Inn waiting for all hell to break loose. “Duff, I’m going to run out and get some supplies while he’s sleeping what do you want to eat?” I ask him.
“Whatever we can afford Izz, my wallet’s on the table over there and Slash doesn’t have his,” he answers.
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it, I’ve got it. Gas station sandwiches, candy bars, chips, and Nightrain it is! There’s a microwave in here, I’ll get Slash a can of soup and stop by the unit for a bowl and spoon. “Duff, we’ll be back soon and hopefully we’ll find Steven in one piece. Does one of us need to stay to help you with him?” I ask.
“No, he’s mine and I’ll take care of him,” Duff whispers and I see tears running down his face again.
“Hey, I heard him yelling at you earlier; he didn’t mean any of it. When you start to get sick the way he’s getting sick you go a little crazy; you’ll say and do anything to stop that feeling and I mean anything; even break down someone you love so much they’ll throw you out so you can go score. The fact that you ignored him and stuck by him shows you really love him Duff,” I say and pat him on the shoulder. “He knows that and he’s gonna need every bit of your love in the next few hours.”
“Do I really love him or am I just really stupid for putting up with this shit from yet one more person who’s supposed to love me?” Duff sighs and blows smoke towards the ceiling; his fist clenching on his leg.
“I don’t know what happened before Duff but I know that kid adores you and got strung out just trying to keep you from knowing he was hurting so he could take care of you because you needed him badly and he knew you would switch roles on him if you knew how much pain he was really in. He didn’t do it to defy you or anything; it just happened. He has nightmares too; did you know that? Not loud, screaming, panicking ones like yours but the kind where you wake up totally frozen in fear and can’t move because if you do whatever you’re afraid of might get you?”
Duff looks up at me in disbelief. “What? He never said anything! How do you know and I don’t?”
“Cause I went to get up and go to work one night and I looked over at your bed and he scared the fuck out of me because his eyes were open but he wasn’t moving. I thought maybe he was dead or something! But I walked over and checked him out and his eyes followed me but he was just curled into a ball; stiff and trembling and I could feel his heart pounding when I rubbed his back. He couldn’t answer me for a long time when I asked what was wrong. I finally calmed him down and he was dreaming about that guy from Virgin only in his dream it was the guy who jerked off on the couch at Vikki’s taking turns with the guy that actually hurt him and that when they were done they told him they’d never give him a record deal. Then when he came home and told you that you beat him up for it; pretty bad fucking dream. He said he has it a lot; so just give him a little break, there’s more going on under the surface than you know about. He really wants to be the strong one for you once in a while Duff; he doesn’t want you to feel like you always have to be the one caring for him.”
“I know Izzy; it’s not that I don’t want his care I just naturally need to take care of everyone, especially him because I love him. He’s my sweet Curly Sue…”
“I know, and he knows that too but right now he’s not going to act like your sweet Curly Sue; he’s going to act like a desperate dope fiend who will stoop to any level to get what he needs because it’s not just the nausea, it feels like things are crawling on your skin, you get hot, you get cold, you sweat, you shiver, you panic over shit that didn’t bother you yesterday; your brain feels like it’s sparking out of control, you can’t eat but your belly burns from being hungry It’s awful Duff; give him a break, being a junkie isn’t something you should wish on your worst enemy and definitely not on that sweet kid. I’m sorry for my part in it and I’m sorry he’s being such an asshole to you now but he’ll be sorry when he comes to his senses ok? I promise.
“I should never have agreed to to let him go with those guys from Virgin or anyone else!” Duff sobs. “Then he would never have gotten into this situation!”
“Don’t kid yourself Duff,” Axl huffs from the doorway. “I’m the one who talked him into that kind of shit that night at Vikki’s. He didn’t want to but I talked him into doing something for the band. The poor kid was nervous and scared as hell but it got us an offer; I didn’t know it was going to come with the stipulation that he was going to have to fuck those other two guys too before we got to actually sign the contract. So some of it’s my fault too.”
“He was scared and you knew it and you talked him into it anyway?” Duff growls and starts to get up the bed. Axl quickly moves to put a handful of valium on the table like a peace offering and we both hurry out the door before Duff can kill us or Curly Sue can see us. Nothing like seeing a dope dealer next to your sick bed to make you want more dope; it would just be cruel.
When we get outside to complete our quest for food and to locate Steven I turn and look at Axl. “I never asked you about that night with Slash; what happened?”
“Fucking guy wanted to watch us fuck each other, kid was scared as hell, I talked him through it, he was fine and we both agreed never to speak of it again except I should have figured his heart’s too soft and he would break down and tell Duff,” Axl sighed.
“Axl you did make him do anything he didn’t want to did you? Make him afraid to say no?” I ask warily, half expecting a blow from Axl’s fist.
“No, I couldn’t do that to the kid; maybe to Steven because he’s dumb as a box of rocks and gets the fuck on my nerves but not to Slash; I just, got him into it you know? I can make people besides you hot you know? He got it up for me just fine thank you very much! I just tried to make him comfortable.”
“Uh huh; I’m sure you just made him “comfortable” I joked with him, purposely bumping into his shoulder and laughing. He blushes.
“I, I just did what I had to do to get him through it and not freak him out!” Axl stammered, looking more flustered with every word.
“Sooo was he any good? I ask and raise and lower my eyebrows quickly at Axl to indicate my avid interest.
“I thought you weren’t interested in the kid!” Axl said; needling me for all those times I had claimed I wasn’t.
“I’m not but come on everyone in town wants to know and you’ve actually had him! You’re also the best one to tell because you didn’t make him cry; he may actually have enjoyed himself with you a little!”
Axl’s faceturns purple. “He enjoyed himself,” Axl mutters. “He’s good alright! How can he not be good and be as big as he is? He could tear somebody’s ass up with that big fucking dick but he doesn’t he’s gentle with it or whatever; to answer your questions yes he’s good ok? Now shut up we’ve got an idiot to find!
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