FicWad

Izzy
I can’t fucking sleep in this empty fucking bed. I finally give up and just turn the TV on mute and smoke a cigarette but I’m not paying attention to the shit on the screen; I’ve got too much on my mind. Slash is back in his own bed tonight; Duff’s coming back tomorrow. I hated sending him back to an empty fucking room and a cold bed too. I don’t even know what to think about that whole situation and god did I want him and he was every bit as good as I knew he would be and even when he was just laying on me asleep I was happy with it; he was just so warm and sweet and vulnerable and I liked that he ran to me.

What I don’t want to admit to myself is that there’s a part of me that’s completely fucking in love with him but I know that nothing’s ever going to come of that so I just let it go but I liked just being around him. He and Duff have been good friends to me and I totally just literally fucked them both over; but I don’t regret a second of what happened. Not one fucking second. I get why Slash is upset at Duff for just giving in and not fighting harder but it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. The night that Slash and Duff had that huge fight about Duff fucking a girl after he swore to Slash that he wouldn’t; instead of taking Curly Sue and going home and locking himself in the house with his younger and more naïve boyfriend and sitting up with my gun Duff backed down and protected the kid by doing what Axl wanted and fucking a girl instead of saying no and physically protecting Slash and keeping his promise.

That was the night we first kissed and honestly I didn’t know what to do with the kid he was so hurt and upset about what he had seen and when Axl got upset that’s how I comforted him and I was so lusting after Slash anyway and he just let me do it and kissed me back and he calmed down; he felt safer. When those record company guys wanted the kid Duff just kept his mouth shut and let us hand Slash over to those guys from Virgin and I’m not sure if Slash every really forgave Duff for not jumping in and saying no he absolutely would not agree to hand Slash over; Duff didn’t save him he went through it with him. He didn’t fight this time, he just gave in.

It’s what Duff does, he concedes to things even when he doesn’t want to in order to keep the peace even if he has to take one for the team and he’s more than paid his dues there but Slash wants to be protected; he wants to feel safe and I don’t blame him, we all wanted to feel safe and that’s my job; I’m the protector. Axl’s the leader or he’s supposed to be anyway, Steven’s the idiot, Slash is the sex symbol, it rolls off of him even if he doesn’t realize it yet he will as he gets older and Duff’s the peacemaker. We all have to fulfill those roles in order for this band to work. It’s just hard as hell on our relationships.

I think about Slash and how sad he looked standing there in the lobby at the cigarette machine, he just looked so lost and small; like he’d been reduced to something the wind would blow away if it blew too hard. I couldn’t leave him there like that; he didn’t leave me when I was crying on the floor of his apartment about Axl. I wasn’t going to fuck him when I took him into my room, I mean yeah I wanted to but not with him feeling so much like nothing; if I did that he’d hate himself and me forever. So I told him no when he looked at me with those begging eyes that get him whatever he wants and held him and told him to go to sleep. I didn’t take advantage of him; I just put my arms around him and kept him safe which is what he wanted, just comfort.

The fact that we fucked the next day is a whole different story; he asked me for it and I told him all the reasons we shouldn’t even though I wanted to and my dick was throbbing he argued back and wanted to do it anyway; he made his own choice and my god was it a good one. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen next to Axl sprawled out naked on my bed. He asked for it but he let me take control of everything first again wanting someone to lead him, to love him, to make him feel safe first. I don’t know because I never asked either of them but I’m willing to bet it’s what happened the first time with Duff but not with Axl and he felt like he was doing something wrong, something Axl didn’t want and it turned him off to being more dominant until he knows the person. Between him and Duff though I bet it’s pretty equal.

Why do I think about these things? I guess because people I let in matter to me a lot and I only let them in if I understood them instantly and continued to do so.
God my dick was hard again just thinking about him. That caramel colored skin against the white sheets, the way he moaned and whimpered when I had his dick in my mouth, how he was playing with my hair when I did that but he didn’t push my head down which made me feel much safer; he was a gentle and attentive lover.

I loved the way he touched me in places that made me gasp in unexpected pleasure, how his fucking beautiful mouth almost inevitably followed his hands to the places he touched. His lips were so soft on my skin, amazing wrapped around my dick and on my own lips. He wasn’t rough like Tommy was with his fucking big ass dick either. I knew what I was in for when I let him top and I was expecting pain to go along with the pleasure but he didn’t hurt me, not once he just spent a lot of time opening me up and then worked his way in instead of forcing himself in.

Once he was actually fucking me he was damn good too. His size alone made him feel amazing but he knew where to aim and how to make me cum so hard I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds; all I could do was claw at his back as my body contracted in pleasure. I haven’t been with another guy I really wanted except Axl in a long time and Tommy who I had wanted to fool around with was into pain. Being with Slash was fucking amazing.

Duff is a lucky mother fucker and it pisses me off in a way that he doesn’t do more to make the kid feel protected. Does he even know what kind of treasure he holds in his hands at night? Does he know how sweet and kind and gentle that kid is? Does he know how vulnerable and broken he is? I can’t imagine Duff who is always so helpful and considerate doesn’t know how much Slash needs him to stand up and be a man and stand between him and things that could hurt him, people that want to hurt him or use him.

I was angry at myself too for letting things happen to him. I should have shot the record exec creeps who did things to Slash and Duff in the nuts. If I wouldn’t go to jail and not be there the next time my friends needed me I would have hunted them down and shot their balls off.

I think Duff was just so lost in his own emotional trauma that he didn’t have the strength to hold up himself and Slash at the same time. How could he? Who could expect him too? He did the best he could considering what had happened to him and Slash hid his own injuries from Duff so he wouldn’t worry about him so he could keep Duff afloat. But they were both floundering and sinking deeper and deeper every day they spent apart and every time somebody did something to fuck with them.

Duff did an amazing job getting Slash off of smack and taking care of a puking, crapping, shivering sweaty person is not easy or fun. But Axl’s done it for me over and over and I’ve done it for him. Maybe that’s what annoyed me so much about the whole situation was that Axl and I took care of each other when we came here and terrible things happened to us the one who was in better shape held up the weaker one.

I couldn’t protect Axl as a kid but I could when we grew up and I did as much as I could and that mother fucker doesn’t make it easy. He starts fights in bars and with me and Jesus is he a pain in the ass sometimes but my god I loved him. He was all I had for so long. So when he started fights I fought too and when he pissed off the wrong people I got a gun that I had to suck dick for and found us a place to hole up and hide. When I was dealing on the streets and people tried to get rough with me Axl would be hiding in the darkness with a metal baseball bat to chase them away and believe me when I say that the sight of Axl running at you with a metal bat is enough to scare anyone into running away.

But he would be there even if two hours before he had been rolled up in a ball shaking and crying from one of those fucking nightmares he gets. Wonder how Erin deals with those mother fuckers? She doesn’t have a clue that you can’t touch him for a while even to comfort him he will go fucking ballistic on your ass. If you touch him he’s seeing his stepfather’s face in his mind and not yours and he will go after you. I learned this the hard way; by trying to put my arms around him and getting choked and punched for my efforts. I would always just lay beside him and talk to him telling him he was ok and where he was and that he was safe and that I was with him and repeating it over and over until he’d roll over and bury his face in my neck and his hair and I’d hold him and rub his back and talk to him about other shit until he calmed down and stopped shaking.

At least it used to be that way and then smack came between us. Then Erin and I hate that fucking bitch! I wish her snotty little ass would just go burn in hell somewhere. I hated seeing her touch Ax like she owned him. I hated hearing her talk, every time I thrust my dick into her and she wants it but doesn’t is vengeance. That bitch is fucking with Axl’s head too, she was in with Nikki before she met Axl or she wouldn’t have been at his party. She wants something or has been told she’s going to get something from him, maybe just money or fame but she doesn’t care about him and she proves it every time she spreads her legs for me.

I wish Axl was here, or Curly Sue but I really wanted Axl but he was with the bitch and Slash needed to be away from me and ready for Duff to come back and if he’s in my arms when that happens it won’t be good.
Suddenly my wish is granted and Axl is pounding on my door. I almost jump out of my skin; I should wish for things more often. But I have to turn the light on and put some pants on or something because God only knows who’s with him or what disaster has occurred to make him knock on my door in the middle of the night. I get some jeans on and open the door and my red-haired tornado comes flying into the room. I expect some kind of huge outburst but he sits down on the bed and when I ask him what’s wrong he tells me he hit Erin; he’s never hit a girl before. He never minded doing it to me but apparently hitting a girl is crossing some sort of boundary because he’s really shaken up about it and he now believes me about her messing with his head and he has a whole conspiracy theory worked out in his head. I get him calmed down about that and tell him to leave the bitch to me. He just sits on the bed looking at me like he did when we were 16 with a look on his face that pleaded for me to do something to fix the mess he was in and I couldn’t then because we were kids and it was his family that was hurting him the ones who should have been keeping him safe; that’s where I fucking got this job of being everyone’s savior, from Axl when we were kids. “I’ve got it baby, it’s ok, just stay right here, don’t go anywhere, don’t run off, just stay here please,” I beg him.
“Hell fucking no, I’m going to go have a little business meeting with Nikki! Fuck him! This is all his fault, Slash, Duff, Erin, Nikki’s behind all of it!” Axl says and runs out of the room. I try and grab him but he shoves me off.
“Go take care of Erin,” he yells back at me as he storms off after he’s out of my reach. “I’ll be back when I’m done talking to Nikki!” Jesus, Fireball was going to live up to his name tonight.
“Don’t fuck up the tour Axl!” I yell after him and he flips me off. Great. I sigh and grab my room key and a shirt and pick up the key he threw on the bed when he came flying in and go off to save his ass from himself again. I’m going to kill him if he fucks up this tour; then I’ll have to save that shit! Fuck this I’m going to go smack this bitch up so she’ll go to sleep and I can have my Fireball back after he’s done getting us fired.
On my way across the hall the elevator door dings and an exhausted looking Duff steps out. I don’t know where Mandy is but she’s not in the elevator with him. Then a second elevator dings and Mandy gets out and walks past me without saying a word to a room two doors down and unlocks it and promptly relocks it. I can see Duff’s body relax significantly when she’s gone. The first words out of his mouth aren’t “Hey Izzy how are you? Thanks for taking care of my devastated boyfriend for the past three days,” oh no. Ok that’s mean and I’m cranky because it’s late and I have to go fix Axl’s shit. Duff looks at me with eyes that are as broken and empty as Slash’s and asks “How is he?”

“He’s…” what do I say? He’s a great fuck but he’s emotionally destroyed and so are you and some of this is your fault and some of it’s mine but none of it’s really his? I took good care of him, really good care of him while you were gone and you’re welcome. No, I can’t say any of that shit because the person standing in front of me isn’t some kind of evil bitch like Erin it’s just Duff, one of my best friends whose heart is broken and who’s been through hell for three days by the way it looks. My friend who droops like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and who’s barely holding back tears. My friend who knows I’ll do whatever it takes to keep us surviving that I just betrayed. God I am an asshole. “He’s ok, he’s hopefully sleeping. He’s done ok, he ate some, he bought cigarettes and showered every day, but you know it’s been rough on both of you it looks like.”

“I haven’t slept since I left here; all I wanted was him,” Duff says and tears slide down his cheeks. He’s wasted emotionally and needs some sleep.

I fish around in my pockets and come up with some valium and hand it to him. “Here, take these and both of you get some sleep,” I tell him. I move closer to him and hug him and wipe the tears off of his cheeks. “Breathe man, you’ve gotta be there for him too ok? You have to hold each other up; it’s the only way to make it through all this shit. Axl’s upstairs going off on Nikki and hit Erin and I’ve gotta go deal with that shit. Duff, go hold him, take those pills, he’s smacked out so don’t give him any he’ll die, and both of you get some sleep. Trust me, he’ll wrap his arms around you and not let go until you’re ready, he’s been waiting to since you left. He’ll be happy to see you. He missed you.”

Duff takes a deep breath and turns towards Slash’s room. “Thanks Izz, I know you took care of him,” Duff says and I feel a horrible wave of guilt rush over me; I’ve gotta get out of here before I puke from the awful feeling. I’ve gotta go deal with Axl’s shit but you’re welcome.” We both turn and head in separate directions into our own personal versions of heaven and hell rolled into one.