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Izzy

Something was up; I could feel it in the air tonight; there was so much tension building up between Axl, Duff, Slash and I that it was bound to blow. I knew that Duff sensed that something was different between him and Slash but he seemed to attribute it to his marrying Mandy. He came to my room the night after he got back from Vegas after Slash went to sleep to ask me how he had been holding up while he was gone. I felt so fucking guilty but I told him that Slash stayed pretty doped up and that he cried a lot and had slept in my room on the couch every night because he didn’t want to be alone which was true; except for the sleeping on the couch part but there was no way I was going to tell him that his boyfriend slept curled up in my arms every night except for the night he came back.

The night Duff came back from Vegas was the night Axl and I got to be together too and having my Fireball back in my arms was one of the most amazing feelings ever. He sent Erin home the next morning so no one would see how bruised up her face was from where he hit her; he was so ashamed of what he had done he didn’t want anyone to know so he got rid of her as quickly as possible. But shit got weird after that.

I don’t know why; maybe he sensed the change between Slash and I but suddenly he was all over Slash during our shows. I mean draping himself over his body, grinding his crotch into Slash’s ass and the kid would go along with it for the most part; leaning back into Axl’s body and arching into his roaming hands with eagerness and closed eyes; his face a picture of lustful satisfaction.

I don’t like it and I can tell Duff is just as pissed as I am when I catch his eye during shows and Axl has his body draped over Curly Sue. Duff doesn’t say anything though that I know of; his forced marriage to Mandy already causing enough problems between the two of them. I try and keep my mouth shut too because Axl and I are getting along really well and we’ve spent our nights and every spare second we have kissing and touching and having mind blowing sex. As soon as Erin was gone Axl was back in my bed and it was like we couldn’t get enough of each other. We fucked in random places whenever we could, in janitor’s closets and dark hallways after sound checks and right before or after shows. We attended the obligatory parties and then fucked in the limos on the way back to the hotel and afterwards go at it again as soon as the door of our hotel room shut behind us. Every other sentence out of our mouths is about how much we love each other; we haven’t been this happy in years.

But onstage everything changes and it’s like Axl has some sort of major thing for Slash. He slithers all over him onstage constanly; his hands running over Slash’s sweat covered chest and his cock grinding against the kid’s ass and Slash just plays along with it; leaning back into Axl’s body and playing his heart out on the guitar. But I can tell Slash isn’t really into it by the way his body relaxes in relief when Axl moves away. Axl touches the rest of us onstage too but nothing like the displays he puts on with Slash.

Since no one is asking any questions the tension between the four of us just builds and on top of that there’s Duff’s new wife who fawns all over him the minute we leave the stage. She hangs on him at the after parties and anytime there are any public events or press interviews (which would be pretty much an every day thing being on tour with the Crue) she made sure she was there smiling away; the new bubbly and so in love new wife supporting her man.

In private Duff ditches Mandy as soon as possible and he and Slash will slip away together but the situation is taking it’s toll on Slash. He’s drinking more than ever and thanks to Mandy and her never ending supply of drugs in every city he’s shooting up more than ever. Duff is sort of at a loss as to what to do and he drinks almost a gallon of vodka a day himself so he’s not in the best shape. Needless to say Slash and Duff’s relationship is suffering in a major way. Duff says that Slash is so wasted he passes out as soon as they get back to the hotel, that they don’t have sex very often, and that he’s so distant most of the time that he and Slash barely have conversations on some days.

The sadness and loss between the two of them is palpable even when they’re in each other’s arms in those moments when it’s just the band having a meeting or getting to hang out. Slash just lays against Duff’s chest silently hiding behind his hair, sadness radiating out of him while Duff tries to get him to talk and is constantly trying to give Slash some kind of silent reassurance that he loves him. Like he’s always holding Slash’s hands and stroking the backs of them with his thumbs, he’ll nuzzle into Slash’s hair when he think’s no one’s looking and plant small kisses on his neck and whisper “I love you” into his ear and Slash will just silently reach up and stroke the side of Duff’s face in response. The desperation in Duff’s eyes is painfully evident as he tries to pull his lover back to him, back to the world in general and Slash’s silent despair is evident when you look at him.

I can’t even be in the same room with either of them without being flooded with guilt and anxiety because of what happened between Slash and I while Duff was gone.

Both of them have separately come to me asking what to do and all I can tell them is that the other loves them and to keep trying. Duff spent an hour pacing back and forth in my room one night while Slash was passed out talking to Axl and I about what he should do and how he could fix their relationship and get Slash to tell him what exactly was wrong. I faked my way through that discussion and let Axl do most of the talking since I knew exactly what the problem was.

Slash came to my room when Duff was spending the night with Mandy and Axl was fucking some girl in Steven’s room and literally cried on my shoulder while I held him and told him I was so sorry because I knew I was a huge part of the problem between them which just sort of created a bigger problem because Slash curled up into me and let me hold him and I didn’t push him away; he was just so easy to hold and comfort and he felt so good in my arms; just warm and soft and sad.

Things finally came to a head though night after a show when Slash told Duff to fuck off and proceeded to leave the stadium and overdose in an alley two blocks away. When neither one of them showed up for a radio station contest “meet the band” thing after a show I left Axl and Steven talking to the two girls who won the contest and went looking for the two of them; I had seen Duff pull Slash aside and push up against a wall on the way back to our dressing room and I had seen Slash angrily push him off before we went around a corner so I knew they were fighting. I found Duff back in the hallway where he’d pulled Slash aside having a major panic attack trying desperately to breathe but not really succeeding. He was sliding down the wall when I came around the corner and gasping like a fish but it didn’t seem like any air was going in. I ran over to him and hit him in the middle of the back to try and break the muscle spasm that was shutting down his lungs and he finally sucked in a huge breath. I got him to more or less breathe normally and gave him a couple valium that Axl had given me earlier and he chewed them up and swallowed them and told me he had to go find Slash and ran out one of the side doors.

I wanted to follow him but I was afraid I would just make things worse. I was playing pool with Steven and some of the crew guys in a bar down the street a couple of hours later and one second I was lining up my shot and the next I was slammed face down into the pool table. Before I could even process what was happening and the pain of my face being slammed into the pool table I was turned over and slammed down on my back and found myself looking up at one very angry blonde bassist who was covered in blood and vomit; oh shit.

“What the fuck did you do while I was gone you piece of shit junkie asshole? Your fucking crazy ass boyfriend was busy with his girl so you take advantage of a strung out sad kid? You get him more strung out and then you fucked him and you’ve been lying to my face for weeks now?” A fist slams into my face and a blinding pain runs through my whole head and everything gets blurry for a second. “Answer me asshole!” Duff yells picking me up and shaking me.

Once I get my senses back I kick him in the shin and he lets go of me for a second and I punch him back with a mean right hook. He’s drunk so he’s reeling for a second and I get out from between him and the pool table. “It wasn’t like that; you left him and went to Vegas because Sixx blackmails you into marrying his drug dealer and he was fucking dying. I found him in the lobby at the cigarette machine so drunk he couldn’t stand up and I took him to my room so he didn’t drown in a pool of his own vomit! I didn’t fuck him that night; he asked for it the next day!” I spit back at Duff.

“So what; you knew how fucked up he was in the head! He’s a fucking kid! You should have said no!” Duff yells back and punches me in the gut and I double over for a second and he knees me the jaw while I’m down.

“He’s a fucking grown up Duff,” I pant, he makes his own choices, believe me he’s a man, he’s not a kid! He’s got the dick to prove it too which you should already know and he knows how to use it! Maybe if you took better care of him he wouldn’t have spread his legs for somebody else! All he wants is for you to keep him fucking safe from shit every now and then and stick up for yourself and him! Maybe you should have told Sixx to go fuck himself instead of doing what you’re told like a goddamn servant! Grow a pair and your boyfriend won’t be looking for someone else’s bed to sleep in because his is empty!”

“Did you ever stop to think that I did that shit so he didn’t have to? You think I don’t know what Sixx’s twisted next move would have been? He would have forced Slash into some shit and he’s been through enough!” Duff answers and catches me with a punch to the ribs and I hear the bone crack; he’s wearing metal rings and a searing pain runs down my side.

“Yeah Duff, you did shit so he didn’t have to; you served him up to those guys from Virgin just as much as the rest of us did. You might have ended up getting fucked right along side of him but you still let him get fucked! You just happened to be there by chance! You should have beaten the shit out of that mother fucker who left him bleeding right in front of you; I would have waited, shit, I would have helped or shot him if you had bothered to say something! You just let that guy tear him open right next to you and did nothing. You think he’s a fucking kid; let me tell you he kept his mouth shut about how bad he really got hurt so he could help you deal with your own shit after those guys from Avi! I was the one who took care of him so he could take care of you. He’s not a baby and he doesn’t want to be treated like one! He’d just like you to stick up for him once in a while! Protect him a little! Do you even know what you have in him? He’s sweet and a genius and talented and he’s kind and patient, and he loves your stupid fucking ass for some reason, like more than anything in the world he loves you, and besides that he’s got a huge fucking dick and a tight little ass and he’s a damn good fuck!” This of course earns me quite a few punches and kicks and Duff and I end up in an all out brawl which I get the worst of and I end up on the floor with Duff sitting on my chest and I can feel that I’ve got more than one broken rib from getting kicked by his giant boots.

“I know what I have Izzy and I know I found him nearly dead in an alley tonight from another fucking overdose! Where’s he getting the smack? From you? You’re going to fucking kill him! You fuck him, you let your boyfriend who’s always totally fucking out of control be all over him onstage, he can’t deal with the shit with Mandy and on top of that you’re giving him smack! Control that red headed asshole of yours, keep your dick in your pants around what’s mine and stop supplying him with enough dope to kill him because he just begged me to let him go on and die an hour ago because he’s so fucked up! Are we clear?” Duff growls from his position on top of my body.

“Yeah,” I wince, trying to breathe under his weight and the pain of the broken bones in my chest. “But if he comes to me again because you’re not doing your job and wants me to fuck him I will and I won’t think twice about it, got it? I’ll just take him from you!”
This gets me backhanded which sends more blood spewing from my mouth.

“You fucking touch him again and I’ll kill you myself with my bare hands. We’re done when I get up, but you stay away from him if you can’t keep your dick and your boyfriend and your drugs to yourself. We’re stuck together, we’re a band, so it’s not like I can get rid of you but I will beat you until you are fucking dead if you touch him ever
again got it?” Duff hisses close to my face

“Just don’t beat the shit out of him when you get back to the hotel, just promise me that, please?” I ask Duff quietly because any other tone of voice is too painful. “Just promise me you won’t hurt him, don’t hit him ok?”

“Fine. I promise you I won’t hit him again when I get back to the hotel, I hit him earlier in the alley when he said he wanted to die and I can’t believe I did that…What the fuck are we turning into Izzy?” he asks me and looks down at me like he might finally see that he’s really hurt me, someone he knows and not some random asshole. “I’m sorry,” he says after looking at me again.

“Don’t be, I deserved it, but he doesn’t. Don’t beat him anymore ok? Otherwise you’re turning into Axl and that’s the last thing he needs. We’re turning into a famous band Duff, we’ve made it more or less, was it worth it?” I ask. He just looks down at me for a long time with regret and sadness and terror in his eyes before getting up and pulling me up after him and leaving without saying another word, people clearing a path for him as he leaves.

Steven helps me walk back to the hotel and offers to come help me get cleaned up but I tell him I’m ok. He looks at me and I’m sure I look like some kind of swollen up mutant and shakes his head and asks “How are you going to explain this shit to Axl?” before turning and walking down the hall to his own room. Yeah, how am I going to explain this shit to Axl?