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Duff
I hated sinking to Izzy’s level, especially when I was still so fucking mad at him. But there I stood with the syringe of heroin he had given me to use on Mandy. I look down at her sleeping in the bed. I pull the cap off and very very gently slide the needle under a vein on her exposed wrist on the pillow by her head. She slightly flinches and her eyes open, but by then I’m already injecting her. Luckily I had done this to Slash so much that I was fucking good at this shit.
“Duff?” She asks, her eyes growing heavy again, “What did you do to me?”
“You’re taking a little trip honey, where would you like to go?” I ask pulling her limp body upright to dress her. This had to be the most wrong and shittiest thing I had ever done to another human being. I knew Izzy was right, but this was so fucking wrong. But I do it anyway.
“Trip?”
“Mmmm,” I nod, “You want snow or sand?” I pull a shirt over her head. Then let her fall back on the bed as I work pants onto her legs.
“Another honeymoon?” She slurs, “Duff…did you drug me?”
“Honeymoon, sure,” I say as I continue dressing her.
“Mmmm…Nikki won’t want us to go,” she shakes her head.
“Nikki’s paying,” I say pushing a shoe onto her foot.
“Really?”
“Yep, said he had enough stuff to hold him off a few days,” I say pulling her to my feet in my arms.
“Where’s our bags? Duff why do I feel so high?” She questions with slacked eyes.
“Already sent them down,” I answer. Right now I’m wishing Izzy made the dose a little bit stronger so she would just pass out and shut the fuck up.
I carry her down the hall and into the elevator. I drag her barely lucid body through the front doors and into an awaiting limo. We go straight to the airport where thankfully, she passes out leaning all over me. When we get there I instruct a security guard to get her on a plane, whatever the first departing flight is. I didn’t care if it was fucking Antarctica. So I left her there and went straight back to my Curly Sue. We boarded the first plane to California.
We arrive, get checked in, and settled. We eat room service for dinner and then make our way out onto the deck just as the sun is starting to set.
The warm hair blows our hair in the breeze as we stare out at the sunset over the oceans horizon. It was fucking beautiful and perfect. But it felt far from perfect.
duff mckagan photo: Duff McKagan 16011986a4553775338b501761220l.jpg
When my Curly Sue kisses me or touches me all I can think about is if he did that to Izzy too. Was Izzy a better fuck than me? Was Slash here because he felt obligated by guilt? Or did he love me? How could he go there with Izzy if he loved me as much as he said? How could he even conceive of the fucking thought? He had betrayed my love, and Izzy my trust and faith in him to always have our best interests at hand. Izzy wanted revenge, justice, atonement, settling an old want from the day he met Slash. I never thought Izzy could be so fucking cold and ruthless, especially when he said Slash and I were like best friends to him.
But Izzy was unpredictable, and this I knew. But I trusted Slash more than that. I believed in our love. I thought our love could ward off anything to get in our ways. I guess I was fucking wrong. I do my best to try to put myself in Slash’s shoes. I know he was broken, trashed and hurting so bad. I understand he needed comfort. But couldn’t Izzy’s arms have fucking been enough? Did he need his lips kissing him softly? Did he need his hands to undress him? Did he need his fucking cock inside of him?
Then I try to see it from Izzy’s side. I get that he’s hurting too, but why my baby boy? Why did Izzy lose all morality sometimes? He had said the phrase “do what you gotta do” so many times that I guess I understood how he justified all the shitty things he did. In the beginning I thought of him as almost a saint, but now…Izzy had broken my heart. How could I ever trust him again? I said I forgave him, but had I really? Could I ever?
“Duff?” I hear Slash saying next to me.
“Hummm?”
“You seem dazed, you ok?”
“Just watching the sunset,” I sigh.
“You seem…distant,” he softly says.
I keep my eyes fixed on the horizon. “Slash…I just need some time, I told you that this shit wouldn’t be easy for me to get over. You fucked another man, not some groupie, our fucking bandmate. It’s different and it hurts like hell and right now I really don’t know how not to obsess over it. I just can’t stop picturing you with him. I’ve seen how he touches Axl and I keep seeing him do it to you. And even worse, I know how you must have touched him…and I guess I’m insecure.”
“Duffy you have no reason to be insecure. I love you.”
“Do you?” I ask.
“You know I do. I was fucked up and needed to feel better. I trusted Izzy to do that. I couldn’t see past the fucking pain.” He turns me to face him and cups my face and looks up at me with honest intense brown eyes. “You’re it for me. I’m in this for the long haul. We can get through this, I know we can.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, “It all hurts so fucking much and the only thing I know to do to cope with it is to stay loaded.”
Slash wipes away my tears looking completely broken and his shame is evident. “Duff I’m so so sorry. I really don’t know what else to say.”
“Was it good?” I ask point blank.
“Duff…” he sighs and looks down.
“Slash I need to know. I fucking feel inadequate now. I feel like maybe Izzy made you feel better than I can. I already know his dick is bigger since he just whipped it out at Nikki’s party that time…and let’s not forget the time he jerked off right in front of us. And I’m sure he has more experience than both of us put together…”
“Duff just stop,” he says grasping my shoulders. “I doesn’t matter if Izzy has a bigger dick. It wouldn’t matter if he made me cum gold…it’s you who I love. It’s you I want to be with. It was you that made me even fucking do it. I love you and I only want you.”
“But Slash…if it would have been you in my place and me in yours…I would have never ended up fucking Izzy. You mean so much to me I wouldn’t have been able to…but you had no fucking problem. Izzy says it was you who fucking asked for it. Then he tells me some shit about how I never stand up for you or protect you, that he does and that’s why you wanted to fuck him. How do I know you don’t really want him since he’s such a fucking hero to you?”
“Duff…I…”
His lack of words makes my stomach drop and my heart pound in my chest. Fuck, did he want Izzy?
“Duff…I don’t want Izzy. I love you and I need you.”
I sigh and turn away. I grab my bottle of Vodka and slither into a hammock. Slash stands there just staring at me and watching me drown myself in Vodka. His hand runs down his arm, a tell tell sign he’s thinking about a fix, but he doesn’t ask for one. He instead drops to his knees next to me at the hammock.
“Please don’t shut me out Duff, I need you so much right now. I need you to hold me and tell me that you still love me and that everything’s going to be ok. Can’t we just erase Izzy? Can’t we just forget it ever happened? It was a mistake, a huge fucking mistake and I regret it the second it was over. Yes Duff, it was fucking good, but it wasn’t you. Please believe me. What do I have to do to prove it?”
I close my eyes and tears squeeze out as I do. I feel Slash slither into the hammock with me and take me in his arms. I just let go sobbing as my hands grip at his flesh, fighting so hard to cling on to whatever we had left. I felt broken on every level. Everything in my head and heart was conflicted and damaged. I couldn’t understand why Slash fucking Izzy was any worse than him fucking Axl, but it was. Maybe because I expected more from Izzy. How could Izzy do this to any of us? And how the fuck was Axl able to get past it so fucking easily? I really wished I could ask him.
“Duffy…please don’t cry. I’m so sorry…I’m so fucking sorry,” he kisses the top of my head. “Let me make love to you and show you exactly how much you mean to me.”
I shake my head no. “I fucking can’t…all I can do is think about Izzy’s hands on you and you doing to him what you do to me…and…” By this point I am wailing and I feel a panic attack coming on.
“Do you really think I’d touch him like I do you?” He softly asks me, “Oh baby no…no way…please let me show you that.” He raises my chin to look at him. He gently presses his lips to mine that are quivering. “Don’t you fall apart on me Duff.”
And I cry even when I feel I have no more tears to spill. I feel the breath trying to leave my body. Slash clamps his lips over mine and blows air into my lungs. Trying to rescue me from my own demons and keep me here in this moment with him.
“Breathe with me baby. Stay with me.” He looks into my eyes with an intense concern.
I pull his lips to mine with such ferocity that his eyebrows raise in surprise. Never has my kiss been so needy. Slash needed me to show him that I could still love him and I guess I needed the same thing from him. I slide out of the hammock onto my knees and start to quickly undo his pants and jerk them down. I quickly shove my own pants down off my hips. I grab him by his and pull his ass to the edge of the hammock. Fuck prep time. I salivate on my cock and slowly, yet quickly enter his body. We both moan out. Then I start to fuck him as if our lives depended on it. Like it was some magical cure for everything. But I know that’s just me wanting to believe that our love was stronger than anything on this earth.
The tears come to my eyes again and spill down my face but he doesn’t see because he has his eyes closed and is turning his head from side to side as his hands grasp my hips. I move faster and faster and before I know it I cum without even planning to. Slash feels it and opens his eyes to look up at me. I just collapse on top of him crying hard again.
“No Duff…please stop crying, it’s ok,” he holds me and I think I hear his voice breaking with tears of his own.
But it’s no use. I just can’t stop crying. My pain won’t allow the tears to stop. And no amount of comfort right now is going to work. I just don’t know how to move past this horrible feeling I felt.
I hated sinking to Izzy’s level, especially when I was still so fucking mad at him. But there I stood with the syringe of heroin he had given me to use on Mandy. I look down at her sleeping in the bed. I pull the cap off and very very gently slide the needle under a vein on her exposed wrist on the pillow by her head. She slightly flinches and her eyes open, but by then I’m already injecting her. Luckily I had done this to Slash so much that I was fucking good at this shit.
“Duff?” She asks, her eyes growing heavy again, “What did you do to me?”
“You’re taking a little trip honey, where would you like to go?” I ask pulling her limp body upright to dress her. This had to be the most wrong and shittiest thing I had ever done to another human being. I knew Izzy was right, but this was so fucking wrong. But I do it anyway.
“Trip?”
“Mmmm,” I nod, “You want snow or sand?” I pull a shirt over her head. Then let her fall back on the bed as I work pants onto her legs.
“Another honeymoon?” She slurs, “Duff…did you drug me?”
“Honeymoon, sure,” I say as I continue dressing her.
“Mmmm…Nikki won’t want us to go,” she shakes her head.
“Nikki’s paying,” I say pushing a shoe onto her foot.
“Really?”
“Yep, said he had enough stuff to hold him off a few days,” I say pulling her to my feet in my arms.
“Where’s our bags? Duff why do I feel so high?” She questions with slacked eyes.
“Already sent them down,” I answer. Right now I’m wishing Izzy made the dose a little bit stronger so she would just pass out and shut the fuck up.
I carry her down the hall and into the elevator. I drag her barely lucid body through the front doors and into an awaiting limo. We go straight to the airport where thankfully, she passes out leaning all over me. When we get there I instruct a security guard to get her on a plane, whatever the first departing flight is. I didn’t care if it was fucking Antarctica. So I left her there and went straight back to my Curly Sue. We boarded the first plane to California.
We arrive, get checked in, and settled. We eat room service for dinner and then make our way out onto the deck just as the sun is starting to set.
The warm hair blows our hair in the breeze as we stare out at the sunset over the oceans horizon. It was fucking beautiful and perfect. But it felt far from perfect.
duff mckagan photo: Duff McKagan 16011986a4553775338b501761220l.jpg
When my Curly Sue kisses me or touches me all I can think about is if he did that to Izzy too. Was Izzy a better fuck than me? Was Slash here because he felt obligated by guilt? Or did he love me? How could he go there with Izzy if he loved me as much as he said? How could he even conceive of the fucking thought? He had betrayed my love, and Izzy my trust and faith in him to always have our best interests at hand. Izzy wanted revenge, justice, atonement, settling an old want from the day he met Slash. I never thought Izzy could be so fucking cold and ruthless, especially when he said Slash and I were like best friends to him.
But Izzy was unpredictable, and this I knew. But I trusted Slash more than that. I believed in our love. I thought our love could ward off anything to get in our ways. I guess I was fucking wrong. I do my best to try to put myself in Slash’s shoes. I know he was broken, trashed and hurting so bad. I understand he needed comfort. But couldn’t Izzy’s arms have fucking been enough? Did he need his lips kissing him softly? Did he need his hands to undress him? Did he need his fucking cock inside of him?
Then I try to see it from Izzy’s side. I get that he’s hurting too, but why my baby boy? Why did Izzy lose all morality sometimes? He had said the phrase “do what you gotta do” so many times that I guess I understood how he justified all the shitty things he did. In the beginning I thought of him as almost a saint, but now…Izzy had broken my heart. How could I ever trust him again? I said I forgave him, but had I really? Could I ever?
“Duff?” I hear Slash saying next to me.
“Hummm?”
“You seem dazed, you ok?”
“Just watching the sunset,” I sigh.
“You seem…distant,” he softly says.
I keep my eyes fixed on the horizon. “Slash…I just need some time, I told you that this shit wouldn’t be easy for me to get over. You fucked another man, not some groupie, our fucking bandmate. It’s different and it hurts like hell and right now I really don’t know how not to obsess over it. I just can’t stop picturing you with him. I’ve seen how he touches Axl and I keep seeing him do it to you. And even worse, I know how you must have touched him…and I guess I’m insecure.”
“Duffy you have no reason to be insecure. I love you.”
“Do you?” I ask.
“You know I do. I was fucked up and needed to feel better. I trusted Izzy to do that. I couldn’t see past the fucking pain.” He turns me to face him and cups my face and looks up at me with honest intense brown eyes. “You’re it for me. I’m in this for the long haul. We can get through this, I know we can.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, “It all hurts so fucking much and the only thing I know to do to cope with it is to stay loaded.”
Slash wipes away my tears looking completely broken and his shame is evident. “Duff I’m so so sorry. I really don’t know what else to say.”
“Was it good?” I ask point blank.
“Duff…” he sighs and looks down.
“Slash I need to know. I fucking feel inadequate now. I feel like maybe Izzy made you feel better than I can. I already know his dick is bigger since he just whipped it out at Nikki’s party that time…and let’s not forget the time he jerked off right in front of us. And I’m sure he has more experience than both of us put together…”
“Duff just stop,” he says grasping my shoulders. “I doesn’t matter if Izzy has a bigger dick. It wouldn’t matter if he made me cum gold…it’s you who I love. It’s you I want to be with. It was you that made me even fucking do it. I love you and I only want you.”
“But Slash…if it would have been you in my place and me in yours…I would have never ended up fucking Izzy. You mean so much to me I wouldn’t have been able to…but you had no fucking problem. Izzy says it was you who fucking asked for it. Then he tells me some shit about how I never stand up for you or protect you, that he does and that’s why you wanted to fuck him. How do I know you don’t really want him since he’s such a fucking hero to you?”
“Duff…I…”
His lack of words makes my stomach drop and my heart pound in my chest. Fuck, did he want Izzy?
“Duff…I don’t want Izzy. I love you and I need you.”
I sigh and turn away. I grab my bottle of Vodka and slither into a hammock. Slash stands there just staring at me and watching me drown myself in Vodka. His hand runs down his arm, a tell tell sign he’s thinking about a fix, but he doesn’t ask for one. He instead drops to his knees next to me at the hammock.
“Please don’t shut me out Duff, I need you so much right now. I need you to hold me and tell me that you still love me and that everything’s going to be ok. Can’t we just erase Izzy? Can’t we just forget it ever happened? It was a mistake, a huge fucking mistake and I regret it the second it was over. Yes Duff, it was fucking good, but it wasn’t you. Please believe me. What do I have to do to prove it?”
I close my eyes and tears squeeze out as I do. I feel Slash slither into the hammock with me and take me in his arms. I just let go sobbing as my hands grip at his flesh, fighting so hard to cling on to whatever we had left. I felt broken on every level. Everything in my head and heart was conflicted and damaged. I couldn’t understand why Slash fucking Izzy was any worse than him fucking Axl, but it was. Maybe because I expected more from Izzy. How could Izzy do this to any of us? And how the fuck was Axl able to get past it so fucking easily? I really wished I could ask him.
“Duffy…please don’t cry. I’m so sorry…I’m so fucking sorry,” he kisses the top of my head. “Let me make love to you and show you exactly how much you mean to me.”
I shake my head no. “I fucking can’t…all I can do is think about Izzy’s hands on you and you doing to him what you do to me…and…” By this point I am wailing and I feel a panic attack coming on.
“Do you really think I’d touch him like I do you?” He softly asks me, “Oh baby no…no way…please let me show you that.” He raises my chin to look at him. He gently presses his lips to mine that are quivering. “Don’t you fall apart on me Duff.”
And I cry even when I feel I have no more tears to spill. I feel the breath trying to leave my body. Slash clamps his lips over mine and blows air into my lungs. Trying to rescue me from my own demons and keep me here in this moment with him.
“Breathe with me baby. Stay with me.” He looks into my eyes with an intense concern.
I pull his lips to mine with such ferocity that his eyebrows raise in surprise. Never has my kiss been so needy. Slash needed me to show him that I could still love him and I guess I needed the same thing from him. I slide out of the hammock onto my knees and start to quickly undo his pants and jerk them down. I quickly shove my own pants down off my hips. I grab him by his and pull his ass to the edge of the hammock. Fuck prep time. I salivate on my cock and slowly, yet quickly enter his body. We both moan out. Then I start to fuck him as if our lives depended on it. Like it was some magical cure for everything. But I know that’s just me wanting to believe that our love was stronger than anything on this earth.
The tears come to my eyes again and spill down my face but he doesn’t see because he has his eyes closed and is turning his head from side to side as his hands grasp my hips. I move faster and faster and before I know it I cum without even planning to. Slash feels it and opens his eyes to look up at me. I just collapse on top of him crying hard again.
“No Duff…please stop crying, it’s ok,” he holds me and I think I hear his voice breaking with tears of his own.
But it’s no use. I just can’t stop crying. My pain won’t allow the tears to stop. And no amount of comfort right now is going to work. I just don’t know how to move past this horrible feeling I felt.
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