FicWad

Slash
Duff’s sobbing is so loud in my ears and he’s completely collapsed on top of me and it’s hard to get air in. I can’t push myself up either since I’m in a hammock and not on a bed. I just want to hold him and calm him down but not like this. “Duff!” I manage to wheeze out, “I can’t breathe under you like this!”

“Huh?” He asks sitting up a little and looking at me and realizing he’s cutting off my air supply he tries to get up and off me and I try and sit up but we both fail miserably and flip the hammock over and land in a heap on the floor and his knee lands right on my balls and my dick that’s rapidly going limp from what just happened between us. I shriek and he quickly moves; not realizing what’s happened but knowing that it wasn’t good. My hands automatically move to cover myself and I curl up into a whimpering paralyzed ball.

Duff’s tears stop for a second and he realizes what’s going on. “Oh shit are you ok?” he asks trying to suppress a giggle.

“It was karma, I’ve lost the ability to ever use my dick again!” I squeak out and try to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Oh sweetheart I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Duff snorts and finally gives in to his urge to laugh and his tears turn into girlish giggles as he watches me roll around in agony on the floor gripping my balls in my hand. At least he’s laughing, even if it is at my expense. When I finally finish writhing around in agony he helps me stand up. “Are you ok?” asks cupping my face in his hands.

I close my eyes and nuzzle into his hands and put my hands over his keeping them there. “I’ll live,” I answer weakly, “it still hurts.” He looks into my eyes for what feels like a long time and I don’t look away, I just gaze back into his those brown and hazel eyes that I love that are starting to fill with tears again.

He finally breaks the silence and says “You know, I really do love you baby boy. Like you said, you’re it for me and I want to be in it for the long haul too, I am in it for the long haul it just hurts so much right now. I cannot for the life of me understand how and why you did what you did; I could never do that to you.” The tears that were building up in his eyes are now running down his cheeks and I reach over and brush them off with my thumbs and he moves his hands and puts his arms lightly around my waist. “For me it’s like your heart is something extremely fragile that I hold in my hands and I try my best not to drop it or break it, or damage it any more than it’s already been damaged. I’ve been watching your beautiful eyes fill up with more and more sadness for the past year and I’ve been trying to keep some spark of joy in you, some piece of who you were before all the shit that’s happened to you this year. But all I’ve seen in your eyes since I…since Mandy is sadness and anger. I thought it was all directed at me but now I think you were disappointed and angry at yourself too. Am I wrong?” he asks quietly bringing one hand back up to my face and stroking it with his thumb.

slash photo: Slash 48db058b.jpg

I turn my face towards his hand and kiss his palm; desperate for his touch, a real touch from him and not an angry or fucked up one. I’m not sure what to think about the sex we just had; I wanted him so I didn’t say no, he would have viewed that as a big-time rejection but I didn’t like what he had done to me or the way it made me feel. I didn’t like the way it seemed to make him feel. It just came out of nowhere and he didn’t prep me or even use real lube; he just spit on himself and shoved his dick into my ass. He moaned in pleasure and I know he thinks I did too but it hurt me. I’m not sure what he meant it as or what he thought he was doing but it wasn’t about me; at least not about being good for me, it was just about fucking me or salvaging something, I really don’t know but it scared me a little, it wasn’t like Duff at all. “What just happened there? What was that?’ I asked him.

“I, I don’t really know I just…thought maybe it would fix something if I was with you but it didn’t, I think I just made it worse,” he sighs and starts crying again. He really needs some rest.

“No baby, you didn’t make it worse.” Ok, I’m sort of lying but this wasn’t about me right now, it was about him. “Come on, I’ll give you some meds so you can sleep ok? You really need to rest, you’re not thinking clearly and you’re just making yourself more and more upset. You’re like I was when I was really strung out and sleep really, really, helped. The doctor said your body can’t take much more right now so you need to rest. Please baby, let me take care of you for once, ok?” I ask him, cupping his face in my hands and wiping some of the tears off of his face. He looks at me for a few seconds and then nods. I lead him over to the bed and get some of the sleep meds the doctor gave him out of the bottle on the sink. I bring them back to him with a glass of water and he swallows them and lays down. I pull him into my arms and he doesn’t fight me, he just limply complies. He’s so worn out he can’t even think straight, he’s been awake on and off for the better part of two weeks. He’d done a shit load of coke, shot up with me once, and consumed gallons of vodka. He really needs to crash. I stroke his hair and let my hand run lightly up and down his back. Within twenty minutes he’s out and I slip out from under him and go through his stuff and find the smack he stored for me and cook up a hit. I’m almost salivating I’ve been dreaming about it for so long, a hit bigger than the ones that Duff gives me. The part that really sucks is how hard it is for me to hit a vein, Duff always says that if I do it myself I look like somebody pounded nails into my arms. I don’t want him to see the marks so I try to get a hit in places where he’s already stuck me. Only three tries this time, not too bad. The relief that runs through me causes me to throw my head back and groan it feels so good. I’d feel guilty if I could feel anything at this moment but I can’t, nothing but pure bliss. I can’t sleep now; I’m fucking wired. Here’s something you don’t know about heroin addicts: smack is just as likely to amp us up as it is to bring us down. Something weird about the way our brains are wired.

I get up and look down at Duff and despite the fact that I’m higher than a kite my heart aches. Why did I do this to him? Why did he do this to me? How in the hell did things get so complicated? All I had wanted was Duff; so why did I go running to Izzy? It always came back to Izzy, everything did for all of us. We depended on him to be the level headed one that could sort shit out. The one who could pull off things that nobody else could and get away with it. He was like a fucking Jedi ninja or something and we were all in awe of him. To us he was like a fucking miracle working savior, always there to save you, or…save me? Because he wasn’t there to save Duff even though he tried hard to be. But I also know that not being able to save Duff destroyed something in Izzy, it’s a painful bruise that he can’t even think of having touched. This whole bands been through so much, we deserved this time off.

My Duffy sleeps for 3 days and it’s not always peaceful. Sometimes he cries in his sleep, sometimes he cries out my name, which scares the living fuck out of me every time; every time he says my name like that it sounds like something horrible is happening and I go running to him but he’s still sleeping. Sometimes, he’s angry at an unseen enemy. Sometimes I get whole snippets of arguments between him and Mandy; they’re usually about me. One must have been from the weekend of the wedding I got full sentences one was “No I’m not fucking you even if I did just have to marry you; you’re just Nikki’s dope whore!” Finally his sleep starts to get quieter and quieter and he stops talking to himself and he looks at peace for last day he spends sleeping.
But finally he starts to come around. I’m coming out of the shower and I walk back into the main room and I notice that his eyes are blinking and he’s rubbing his face; I hurry over to the side of the bed and sit down beside him. I reach out and stroke his hair and whisper “Duffy? My sweet boy, Are you awake?”

His hands clasp mine and bring them to his lips and he places a sweet kiss on both of my palms. “Baby boy how long have I been
asleep?”

“Three days sweetness. You had gotten so down and tired that you were just babbling, not even making any sense. I gave you some of the medicine the doctor gave you and you were out in 10 minutes and you’ve been asleep ever since. For a day or so you talked and argued with people in your sleep but never woke up and today you’ve been silent; I was starting to worry” I leaned down and kissed him softly on the cheek close to his eye. “I love you my sweet Duffy. It’s nice to see your eyes open. I’ve missed you, I’ve missed your smile and your beautiful voice and your sweet heart and…I just want you to feel better…and I’m sorry baby…” his finger on my lip shushes me and I raise my eyes to his; afraid of what I’ll find in them when I look into them. Sure enough what I see is disappointment and pain and sadness as he remembers exactly how we ended up back here in our own little slice of paradise.
“You’re babbling babe; breathe ok? Curly Sue we’ve been through some crazy shit, stuff that most people wouldn’t believe but the one thing that’s always been there as a constant comfort is each other. I know that when I’m hurting I can get lost in your arms and the pain will disappear. When I’m with you there is nothing else in this world and I’ve never found that kind of love with another person. So what you did…I just…I don’t know how to get past that and if it happens once it’ll happen again, what you want me to say?” he asks me looking away and then back up at me.

“I don’t know Duff; you left me to get married,” I answer blankly.

“Yeah and you knew I didn’t want to; I did that shit to keep our love lives out of the public eye! Should I have stayed and let Nikki sell that tape to the tabloids? Shit at this point it would have fucking killed off any chances we have of making it! People will just look at us and think we’re another Boy George act and this band is so far from that shit! Our whole image is based on being somewhere between glam rock and street thugs; if it changes it ruins us, don’t you get that?”

“Duff we have a poster for sale that has Axl wearing purple tights; you do realize that right?” I ask him dryly; trying to lighten the mood. He does smile for a second but then scowls at me again.

“Everyone knows Axl’s fucking batshit too so they don’t put too much stock in the purple tights. I like that poster; you’re all man in that poster, it’s hot as hell. Slash, that tape and purple tights…those are two entirely different things. You know that.” He runs his hand down his face and sighs. “I don’t know baby; we’re both hurt, we’re both angry, and we’ve both done things that hurt each other and I need a drink and to take a piss and you’re higher than a fucking kite right now and I know you are; your eyes are all fucked up and I know you didn’t go without smack just because I was asleep for three days! I’m not leaving you, I don’t want to break up with you, I don’t want to be away from you but right at this second I can’t process it all, Duff snaps as he stands up and almost immediately collapses again.

“Duff! Be careful baby, you haven’t gotten out of bed in three days, go slowly and let me help you. He sullenly lets me help him out of bed but shakes me off at the bathroom door and I can hear him taking the world’s longest piss in there. Do we have any vodka?” Duff yells back towards the bedroom; “oh and smokes too! I know we have those, I need fucking both!” he grumbles as he comes back and sits on the bed.

“Booze is in the fridge, I’ll get it,” I tell him and quickly get off of the bed and move towards the refrigerator because I don’t want him to see that I’m about to cry; I want him to stop looking at me like I’m a baby. I pull the bottle of vodka out of the fridge and grab a new pack of cigarettes and a lighter and hand them to him. “Here, I’m going to sit outside, I have some riffs in my head that I want to figure out.” I tell him and take my acoustic out onto the deck and lay in the hammock outside and start fooling around with my guitar. It’s so peaceful here with the sound of the waves and the light breeze that blows through the palm trees but I don’t feel peaceful inside and there’s really not anything that will make any better but time.

Duff walks outside about 20 minutes later with his hair still dripping from the shower and comes over to where I’m laying in the hammock. “Move over Curly Sue,” he says and I move to one side as best I can and Duff climbs in with me; somehow we manage it without anyone ending up in a heap on the floor. He gently takes the guitar out of my hands and puts it down and then pulls me into his arms and drapes one leg over mine and kisses the top of my head when I bury my face in his neck. “I love you,” he sighs “and I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what Duff? I’m the one who cheated, I’m the one who fucked everything up; you don’t have to be sorry for anything,” I tell him quietly.

“Yeah I do; I have a lot to be sorry for. You’re right; I haven’t always made the best choices when it comes to you and I have stood by and let things happen. When those guys from Virgin made their proposal to us I was so angry; I couldn’t believe that after all of the times I protected you, times you don’t even know about, that it was going to come down to you having to choose to fuck someone or not for the band. We were all trying to keep you safe and keep the fucking predators away from you; there was always someone, at every fucking party or gig that we had with a lot of money in their pockets and eyes they couldn’t take off of you. The night that we had that big fight about me fucking that girl Axl had already taken the guy’s money, dude was just waiting for you to find yourself alone or passed out so he could fuck you. I don’t know if Axl was really going to hand you over to him or if his plan all along was just to rob the guy but he promised to serve you up, unconscious or otherwise to him. Izzy knew; that’s why he followed you down the alley when you saw me with that chick, it was why he brought you back to the party instead of taking you home. We wanted to keep an eye on you. The guy finally got pissed off and left after you and Izzy started to fuck that girl; he was tired of waiting but he told Axl he’d be back for you later.

The next day Izzy made Axl swear that he would never do anything like that again and I threatened to pound his face in if he ever even thought about handing you over to someone again. I thought Izzy and I had made it pretty clear to him that if somebody had to get fucked it wasn’t to be you, it would be one of us. Then Axl ended up fucking you; I don’t think he did it that way to be mean I think he really thought it would be better if you at least knew the person although it was kind of like a “fuck you” to Izzy and I because he didn’t technically hand you over to anyone else but he still used your body to get a contract offer and I don’t care what he says he knew it was a way to piss Izzy off. You had been giving me a hard time about treating you like a kid and you were so determined to show me that you were capable of handling yourself and taking care of me; when you said you would go with those Virgin guys I didn’t want to let you, I told you that. I didn’t’ know what to do in that band meeting when you agreed to fuck them; I had already talked to you about it, I thought you knew I didn’t want you to do it. When Izzy took me outside to talk he told me that he didn’t want you to do it either but you were what record companies were demanding. He knew I wasn’t ok with it and he said if I really wasn’t ok with it then they wouldn’t do it but I didn’t know what to do; should I let you decide for yourself what you wanted or stop you from doing it? But he said that the best thing I could do for you if you were set on doing it was to be there for you afterwards; I thought maybe I did even better than that, I was there going through it with you, making sure that what happened to me didn’t happen to you. Do you have any idea how terrified I was sending you out with those guys after what happened to me? I never told you but Izzy shot me up that night too after you left so that I would calm down.
I’m not sure which was worse for me- the night I got attacked or the night I had to watch somebody else fuck you that you didn’t want and all I could do was hold your hand while it happened. I would have beaten the shit out of that guy that hurt you too but then Izzy was there and he was wired all night too, we had both been prowling up and down Sunset like bears in a fucking cage waiting for you to come back. When you saw me Izzy had gone into the liquor store to get more smokes because we went through at least a pack apiece that night. Izzy was so fucking upset because they had taken you; I don’t think he would have been as upset if they had taken Axl to be honest. But you were like our last piece of innocence; the only one of us that hadn’t been hurt that way and wasn’t jaded as hell. We wanted to keep you that way; neither of us wanted anything to happen to you ever we just didn’t know how to stop it. I wanted to keep the illusion that things would be ok alive for you; I miss that sweet innocence in you soooo badly. It fucking kills me that I watched that light die in your eyes right in front of my fucking face and I didn’t stop it from happening! Why the fuck do you think I drink all the time? It’s not just because I don’t want to think about what happened to me; I can’t deal with how ashamed and fucking angry and sad and disappointed I am in myself for letting that happen to you! I should have said no way but I figured you’d be mad and tell me to stop babying you again. I should have gotten in that car and told them they couldn’t touch you and just given them me! I should have fucking killed that fucker that made you bleed but I was fucking afraid that Izzy really would kill him because he has that fucking gun and the last thing we needed was for him to go to jail or have to be on the run for shooting one of those assholes! Fuck baby boy! I’m so, so sorry!” he chokes out and holds onto me so fucking tight that his nails are practically digging into me.

“Then there was this shit with Mandy and that was like the last fucking straw! It was like total insanity had begun; I mean we couldn’t make this shit up its so fucking crazy! The look on your face when you found out what Nikki wanted me to do broke my heart…and I was so of fucking tired of things happening that made your eyes look that broken. I’m afraid every day that something or someone’s going to come along and rip us apart or completely destroy us; push one of us completely over the edge and that’s going to be it, just a little too much smack, a few more drinks before I get in the car to leave the bar and one of us is going to die trying to escape whatever’s hurting us. I was so fucking scared the night I found you in the alley passed out in your own piss and vomit last week; I thought “This is it, he’s gone and I’ll never get him back; what the fuck am I going to do?” Slash I can’t handle that shit!” he sobs and holds me against him hard; his sobs echoing through his body and into mine “I can’t do this without you! If you’re not here then I don’t want to be either! I can’t live in a world without you; please don’t leave me baby boy, don’t ever leave me!”