FicWad

Slash

Duff’s crying so hard at this point that breathing and talking are getting to be a little more than he can do and I shift around so that I’m holding him and not the reverse and I softly stroke his hair back off of his face where it’s plastered to his skin with tears. "Duffy, hey precious boy, shhh it’s ok baby, calm down, I’m here; I’ll never leave you sweet heart, I love you so much. Don’t cry beautiful; it’s going to be ok, I’m never going to leave you Duffy, never ever ever, I swear,” I whisper as I cover his face in soft, tiny kisses.

"It’s gonna be ok; you’re not the only one who fucked up Duffy. I did too.” I look around us and see the towel Duff dropped when he climbed into the hammock with me and I reach down and pick it up and gently wipe Duff’s face with it and let him blow his nose. When he can breathe again we move back into our pretzel and I start talking again; my free hand and arm wrapped tightly around his waist.

“When you left I felt so horrible; like I’d been gutted; ripped open.
slash duff drunk photo: Slash and Duff McKagan 1.jpg


Every piece of my body physically hurt because my heart was so broken; I didn’t know I could hurt that much. It was like pain was flowing through me and out through my fingers and they were throbbing, I couldn’t even play! I had no way to get rid of the pain besides drugs so I was really, really high. I missed once too so I had a huge lump on my hand and it fucking hurt…I could barely stand up I was so drunk and high and I had just thrown up; for some reason I decided I wanted cigarettes so I went down to the machine in the lobby. I don’t even remember getting there I just remember almost falling down and Izzy catching me. I guess he was coming back into the hotel? I don’t know he had some weird like chauffer’s outfit on or something…I don’t know but anyway he took me back upstairs and kept me in his room so he could keep an eye on me.

I was so fucked up, sad and angry and at that point I didn’t really want to live. If I couldn’t have you I’d rather be dead. Izzy just held me and let me cry; he told me that it was going to be ok, that you loved me more than anything and he told me that when you came back you were going to be a wreck too and that I needed to get all of my tears out before then so that I could be strong for you when you needed me. So I laid there and cried and cried into Izzy’s arms and he just rubbed my back and talked to me while he watched TV.

Then when I woke up the next day I took a shower and was leaving to go get some clean clothes and a fix when Izzy woke up. He made sure I was coming back because he didn’t trust me alone and he said he didn’t want to be alone any more either. Axl was with Erin and had been for a couple of weeks; it was really starting to wear on Izzy.

So I came back and was folding up my stuff on the dresser and Izzy said something about you and I just threw my stuff down and lost it again and then he was right behind me in nothing but a towel and I needed something, somebody, I don’t know! I know it was wrong, I knew it then but I was so scared and lonely and there was like this fucking gaping hole in me and Izzy was my best friend next to you and I knew he loved me the same way I loved him, like a best friend and that was way better than nothing, better than an empty bed while I lay there knowing that the love of your life is off getting married to somebody else they don’t love and so not only was I hurting I was thinking about how much you were hurting too!

I was so afraid for you! I was afraid you would panic and pass out and get hurt somewhere, I was afraid you would get suicidal, I was afraid that you were going to OD on coke and have a stroke or a heart attack; I was so, so scared! I was also a little afraid you would come back with some sort of feelings for Mandy like Axl has for Erin and you having a mistress was not something I could deal with as calmly as Izzy deals with Erin.

So when Izzy turned me around to hug me I kissed him and he kissed back but he told me we shouldn’t and that if we didn’t stop now he didn’t think he’d be able to stop, that he was lonely too. He gave me a whole bunch of reasons we shouldn’t but all I wanted was to stop that hole inside me from ripping open even wider. I knew it was wrong but I was so wasted; physically and emotionally that all I could think about was you having sex with Mandy on your wedding night and wondering if you were as sweet to her as you were to me during our first time. I thought that maybe it would get better if Izzy and I did something intimate, that maybe some of the pain would ease. I needed something from you but you were gone so I got it from Izzy; or I tried, we both did. He wasn’t getting love from Axl either, we were both just looking for ways to fill in the holes in our hearts. He was sweet to me; he didn’t just throw me down and fuck me; he was easy with me; careful not to hurt me and since you want the truth a lot of what he did made me feel good.

“I think what you want to say is Izzy is that Izzy mad love to you, he took his time and for real made love to you; he didn’t treat you like some whore he just wanted a quickie with. That’s what gets me here; it wasn’t just sex, at least not for Izzy and I don’t think so for you either. Izzy wasn’t just fucking the way he does with girls or with Tommy; when Izzy was with you he was making love to you. His heart was somewhere in it because the two of you care for each other and he wanted to comfort you by giving you his body to you and he wanted to make your body feel good to take your mind off of things and he took the time to do that."

" What I want to know is did you do it back?” he asks me, his eyes begging for me to say no but knowing that I’m going to say yes. I sigh deeply and run my hands through my hair; hiding my face behind my curls. Duff’s not having that though and he reaches out and moves them gently and tucks them behind my ear.

“You can’t hide from this Curly Sue, if you want this to get better you need to be a man and tell me what happened and how you felt about it; if you don’t baby I’m always going to wonder what went on there that you couldn’t tell me about and if I measure up or not," Duff pleads with me.

“Duff, you realize that’s a horrible pun right? I snort and smile a little.

“Maybe,” he answers smiling softly, “but I for real need you to tell me what happened between the two of you or I’m always going to feel like you’re hiding something from me. I need to know Slash; I just want to wipe the slate clean but I need to know what I’m wiping away in order to do that.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly; why did he want to know this? “Ok Duff, what do you want to know? How do you want me to tell you this do you want to ask me questions or something and have answer them? That would probably be easier; I’m no storyteller or anything, that’s Axl’s job!” I try and joke but I’m not able to pull off much of a smile.

“Well, did he kiss you? Did you like it? Did you like it better than the way I kiss you?” Duff asks fearfully. I reach over and pull Duff closer and move so that we’re laying curled up into each other like some kind of pretzel with our foreheads touching so that we can look right into each other’s eyes. I begin to stroke his long hair and plant a soft kiss on his lips. I stroke his cheekbone with the back of my finger and he nuzzles into my touch so I lean down and gently kiss his lips until I can feel him relax and I know he’s ready to talk.

“Yeah Duff, he kissed me a lot and yeah, he kisses really good, but…” I trail off, lost in thought, the memories of all the kisses Izzy and I had shared and how they always took my breath away but no matter how good they were they weren’t Duff’s kisses and it was Duff’s kisses I craved all time, it was Duff’s kisses that made my heart leap with joy. “But Duff, it was your kisses I wanted. The whole reason I was in Izzy’s room to begin with was because I was dying for you!” I choke out, feeling my own tears come again. “I just wanted you Duffy!” I almost howl as I let go and start sobbing again. “I’m sorry baby!” He soothes me, stroking my hair and whispering to me until I catch my breath and can speak again.

“Shh Slash, I’m here now, just breathe, just breathe sweetness,” he croons.

“Duff do we have to keep talking about this? You’re just torturing both of us!” I cry.

“Slash, I don’t know how else to make it go away, it’s like the night I was raped, I had to talk about it to understand it and get past it, please honey, I know it hurts, but I need to understand so we can fix this this mess!” he answers, his voice rising in pitch as he talks, his desperation breaking through.

“Ok Duffy, it’s ok, we’ll keep going,” I whisper to him, moving a little so I can pull him into my arms a little. I grip him tightly and take a few deep breaths trying to add some steel to my spine. When I feel like I can talk to him again I squirm around so that our foreheads are touching like before. “Ok, what else do you want to know?” I ask breathing deeply.

“Was he better than me? Don’t you dare say no immediately too because you feel like you should, answer me honestly. Did you like his cock better than mine?” Duff’s cock is perfect in my eyes; about 8 inches long when it’s hard and the head turns dark purple when he was aroused. I loved the musky smell of his groin when he was turned; it made me so much hotter for him so I tell him that and watch a smile spread through his eyes.

“Duff, I’m going to answer you one more time about this and then you’ve got to stop worrying about it ok?” I look into his eyes for confirmation that he understands and to see what he’s feeling and I see desperation and a grim determination. I cup his face and stroke his cheek with my thumb. He nuzzles into my touch and I kiss his forehead. “I love you so much baby, so much more than anything else; we’re going to be ok, I promise you baby, we’re going to be fine." He lets out a choked sob but he nods and I squirm around until his face is buried in my neck and I just hold him for a long time while cries until he can get a hold of himself and then he’s looking into my eyes again and waiting.

I start talking again when I know he’s ready. “Duff, he wasn’t better or worse than you; it was just different. You’re different people and you both do different things differently; you both feel really good, you both make sure the other person’s having a good time, or at least you have both done that with me, you’re both considerate, sweet, people and it comes out in the bedroom too and yes Duff, Izzy made me cum a couple of times and yes it was very good, but it wasn’t you!”

Duff’s sobbing hard again and has pulled away from me and is covering his face with his huge hands and crying. I pick up the towel again and pry his fingers away from his face and kiss his fingers before pushing them away and then I kiss both of his eyelids before moving down to kiss the tears off of his cheeks and then finally, his lips. “Shhh baby, I know you’re hurting, I’m sorry that I’m the one that hurt you, can we stop this? It’s killing you! Please sweetness; I don’t want to hurt you anymore, it’s breaking both of our hearts!” I exclaim and try and keep the tears out of my own voice but I don’t do a very good job of it.

He shakes his head. “No, I need to finish hearing this and then I won’t wonder about it all the time. I won’t break, I promise,” he says quietly.

I tilt his chin up to look at me “I love you Duffy, I love you more than anything in this world,” I tell him, hoping desperately that he knows it’s true.

“I know you do baby boy, and I love you too. Let’s finish this ok?” he asks me reaching for the towel that’s balled up between us so he can clean his face off again.

“Ok. What else do you want to know?” I ask him and steel myself for whatever questions are coming.

"Izzy’s fucking perfect Slash, he’s handsome, he’s some kind of magical ninja, he’s caring, he’s brilliant in everything he does: music, dealing, thievery, he fucking knows everything about every war ever fought on the planet and god only knows what else, he’s like McGyver and can fix fucking anything, he’s got a bigger dick than me and he fucks good; what else could you want? Why would you choose me over him when it seems like you could have whichever one of us you wanted?” Duff demands.

I take a deep breath and start to talk. "Izzy’s a lot of things Duff, perfect in so many ways and I love him; but as a best friend. As a partner there are a lot of things I’d have a hard time with; mostly his dishonesty. He does things behind Axl’s back that frustrate the hell out of Axl because he can’t pinpoint them or prove them. Sometimes he’s mean to Axl in return and you’ve never talked to me like that. Duff I want to be with you because of who you are and how you make me feel when I’m with you. From that first night in the club when you started making out with me you made me feel confident; I felt 10 feet tall because out of all of the people in the room, you, who looked like some gorgeous Viking god, picked me. I was just this smart assed, fuzzy headed kid who could play guitar who had had a crush on you forever but was too afraid and inexperienced to tell you and it was like you read my mind, you picked me! You took my breath away from that first kiss and you have every time since. You never acted like it was funny or that I was stupid because I didn’t know how things should be done between us; you’ve always just taught me and been patient about it and I love you for that. I love how you’re kind to me even in bad situations. That day that poor Izz was dropped off at our house by Axl and we had to go and get his stuff you made it a point to grab me once we were out of the house and promise me that you would never treat me the way Axl treated Izzy, you promised to always be good to me and you have been."

"You amaze me sexually, that first handjob in the bathroom was the best one I’d gotten in my whole life because it was from a guy, it was from you and when I put my mouth on you I wasn’t scared; I felt like I belonged with you. You make me feel safe and you make me feel joy and you give me a sense of home; if I’m with you, wherever that is, I am home."

"That first night we slept together on the way to Seattle I was scared, but not because I was with you; I knew you wouldn’t hurt me but I had never had sex with another guy and you had. I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to your expectations, I was afraid it would really hurt and I would never want to do it again and then you would be mad but you just like guided me through the whole process and made me feel safe and cared for and you made my body feel incredible! Yeah, it hurt some but you got me past that and brought out pleasure I didn’t even know existed and I fell completely in love with you that night; I fell for you a good bit after you took care of me the night that that trucker attacked me but that night when you made love to me for the first time sealed the deal and my heart has belonged completely to you ever since."

"No matter what’s happened, what we’ve been forced into or chosen to do when we’re hurting I love you more than anything that’s ever existed in this world or the next and I’m so very happy when I’m with you and I’m devastated when terrible things have happened to you or me that could come between us but in the end it doesn’t matter, I still love you just as much now as I did back then. You’re my lover and my best friend. You’re my safety in the storm and I try really hard to be yours; to give you a soft, safe, place to land. You’re my whole life and my whole heart Duff and I want it to be that way forever! What do you say Duffy? Do you still want to be with me? I know we’ve changed and we’re not those two relatively innocent kids anymore but I love you more and more every day; do you still love me?” My heart’s pounding and I’m holding my breath hoping that he’ll say yes!

“My Curly Sue,” he chokes out, “You bet your ass that I still love you! I want to spend every day for the rest of my life loving you! Nobody else in my life has ever made me feel as happy as you do or as sad, and no one has ever made me feel so at home. You’re my best friend too and my beginning and my ending and I love you so much. I know you’re not that innocent, sweet boy from that first night we fooled around in the club but you’ve handled everything that’s been thrown at you with grace and you seem to know my arms are always there for you and you trust me to keep you safe and love you and I always will. Your heart is the only home that I need; you’re my shelter from the storm and I hope I’m yours,” he tells me, his voice trembling.

“Duff, you’re my everything” I tell him, and I hope it stays that way for the rest of our lives. I want to love you forever, I don’t think I can help myself; I just am going to love you forever and I hope you feel the same way and are ready to go through the crazy journey of our lives right now together, as one unit and that we can enjoy and protect and love each other through it all because Duff we’re going to the stars as a band and it’s going to be a wild ride! Are you with me?”

I look at him and he grins “I’m with you baby boy, just you and me and the others all the way to the top!”

That sentiment dissoves into desperate, happy kisses and Duff carries me over to the bed and makes love to me for over an hour. It’s like he has to show that when he’s in charge he can make me feel just as good as Izzy can; even though I had already told him that he had to prove it to himself. It’s better in a way because Duff fills me with joy when we make love. By that evening we’re a sticky, happy, sated mess and we’ve been inside of each other all over the bungalow and outside of it. We’re both sore, exhausted, and glowing. The last time we fuked that night was on a blanket in the sand and I was on top, Duff was so beautiful with the stars reflected in his eyes, the stars we can’t see back at home because of all of the neon lights. The bed was covered in Cum so I took the sheets off of it and put them in the bin for the maid. We showered and I lined the hammock on the porch with the thick comforter from the bed that was untouched, we had thrown it in the corner hours ago and I now used it to make a nest for us in the hammock on the porch so that we could fall asleep looking at the stars and hearing the waves gently crashing and heading back out to sea. Duff and I are both exhausted and we lower our freshly showered, completely exhauted bodies into the hammock and curl around one another petting and kissing and lulling one another into a happy, comforted, full hearted sleep.
We spend the rest of our vacation snorkeling, swimming, Duff tries to teach me how to surf, playing on the jet skis, and rediscovering each other. Every time we make love we find out something about the other one and it’s one of the happiest times we’ve been allowed to have in a long time. By the time we’re ready to go back and face the real world we have spines of steel, hearts full of love for the other and a grim determination to let nothing hurt the other one. Duff especially is on guard duty which is a damn good thing since Izzy calls us a couple of days before we leave to tell us that Nikki leaked to the press that our relationship is a little more than friendly. Duff and I don’t care anymore, let people think what they want, we’re happy. We make our way through the gauntlette of reporters outside of our hotel in the states to rejoin our band with a disjointed cool, let them think whatever they wanted, we were through hiding our feelings. We loved each other and that’s all there was to it.
slash and duff photo: Duff & Slash af48d8ec.jpg