FicWad

Izzy

My life is a series of nightmares; both waking and sleeping. Even though I’ve been on heroin forever straight morphine gives me nightmares, so do painkillers like percocet. When I’m sleeping I’m in some twisted version of the situation with Nikki and Tommy sometimes with other people that have used me for sex in the past thrown in. Sometimes it’s Nikki fucking me instead of Tommy and I can’t understand why because I looked at Nikki as some kind of crazy, fucked up brother until he started blackmailing Slash and Duff for reasons I’ll never understand. In my dream I keep asking him why he’s doing that to me and all he does is laugh like a maniac and tell me what a sweet piece of ass I am.

Then there’s the nightmares about Tommy, those usually come when the morphine is starting to wear off a little and I remember the physical pain of the rape, how it felt like my insides were being impaled by a hot poker, how much it hurt to vomit while going through withdrawl, like my guts were being shredded from the inside, the horrible stinging burning sensation that came from shitting water. How it burned when Nikki poured the whiskey on my ass but it actually felt a little better once the burning went away because some of the bacteria had been rinsed away and killed. By the end of that dream I usually wake up screaming though in some way or another, I can’t really scream; it hurts too much and my voice is raspy. The nightmare always ends with the same thing though-Tommy actually shoving a red hot poker up my ass. I read once that King Edward II or III was killed that way after his queen started having an affair and his lords had him deposed.

Usually when I wake up Axl’s right there beside me, sleeping sitting up in his chair or he’s folded it out into a convertible cot which really doesn’t look more comfortable. My dreams don’t always wake Axl up so sometimes I have to bang my nurse call box or my morphine button on the bedrail and say his name loudly to wake him. But once he’s awake he lowers the bedrail and climbs into bed with me and wraps his arms around me and lets me cling to him and bury my face in his chest as I cry. He softly rubs my back and strokes my hair and soothes me, telling me that it was just a dream and I’m safe now in his arms. Sometimes he even sings to me, mostly the song that he wrote for me “Don’t Cry” which the band worked into a great song but Axl’s haunting melody is the best part next to Slash’s guitar solo that kicks in on the second verse. Sometimes he sings songs from the 70’s like “Wild Horses” by the Stones, or “Oh Child Things Are Gonna Get Easier” and “Lean on Me” just to make me laugh a little, even though he means it. Whatever crosses his mind. Sometimes it’s just random songs like Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sound of Silence” or various things by Fleetwood Mac or the Eagles, Elton John or Aerosmith; stuff we listened to growing up. His voice calms me down and after a while it gets me to stop crying. I know it scares him a little when I just grab onto his t-shirt and sob until I don’t have any more tears. I mean sure, he’s seen me cry lots of times but not like this.

I feel like some kind of dam has broken inside of me and every emotion I’ve held back for years is pouring out of me which in a way feels good but it also hurts like my heart is being wrenched apart. Axl keeps asking me what I’m dreaming about or if I’m ready to tell him what happened but I can’t, I just shake my head and stop talking at all and Axl has to cajole me back into speaking at all.
He’s been taking good care of me, shooing away the nursing staff and giving me sponge baths and washing my hair with a plastic bin and a pitcher of warm water. The shampoo here smells nice. It feels good to get the sweat washed off of me every day and admittedly I love feeling him massage my scalp when he washes my hair and he knows it so he does it for much longer than is necessary to clean my hair. I have to brush my teeth the same way, spitting into a plastic bin that gets washed out. The guys brought a suitcase full of stuff for Axl and I so my deodorant and aftershave and razor and stuff are in there and Axl very carefully shaves my face every couple of days. He rubs lotion into my skin, massages the sore muscles in my back and legs which are achy from having to lay in bed for so long. He’s wonderful to me.

I can tell that he’s getting tired of being cooped up in this place though just as much as I am and that he’s exhausted because sleeping in a hospital is nearly impossible. His “bed” is uncomfortable as hell, there are beeping monitors hooked up all over me, a blood pressure cuff that goes off every hour and nurses come in and out to check my vitals at all hours of the day and night. I finally convince him to let Duff come and get him so he can rest and to leave Slash or Duff with me.

Turns out it was Slash that stayed and there’s a huge burly bodyguard outside the door that is apparently a former Hell’s Angel who doesn’t look like he’ll take shit from anyone including Nikki Sixx. But I still worry, Nikki doesn’t always operate out in the open, he’s a sneaky mother fucker. I hope he doesn’t do anything to this kid, he’s been through enough.

He sits down in the chair beside me and I notice he’s brought an acoustic case with him. When everyone’s gone he looks me over and a sad look crosses his face. “What?” I ask him.

“Izzy, to me you look like a broken bird, small, hurt, can’t fly, you just look so fragile. I held a bird with a broken wing once and it felt so delicate I couldn’t imagine how anyone could put it back together; but my grandma did and we kept it and fed it until it’s wing was healed then let it go again. It flew, but it flew away and izzy you run when you’re hurt; you’re not going to fly away are you? We all love you and we need you around.

“Where would I run to kid? You guys are the only family I have that accepts me for who I am. My real family doesn’t want anything to do with me because I’m a junkie, they’re afraid it might reflect badly on them, small town bullshit. Anyway I love all of you and our band’s gonna make it; makes me nervous as hell but we are gonna make it big, I can feel it. If I ran anywhere Axl would just come and get me and bring me back; I don’t know how to live without him anyway no matter how much of a jerk he can be,” I sigh.
“How’s he been since you’ve been in the hospital? Is he treating you ok?” Slash asks with a worried look on his face.

“It’s complicated; I mean yeah he’s been really good to me even brought me some dope to stave off the withdrawl. He gets in bed with me and he holds me but he made some deal with Erin that if she found me that he would bring her back on tour with us.” I can feel my throat tightening up and tears springing up in my eyes. “I told him that I had already fucked her three times; he wasn’t mad he just said that we would treat her like the whore she is and have three ways with her.” My tears spill over and start to run down my face. “I don’t want a fucking three way with her; I just want her to fucking stay the hell away!” I sob. Instantly Slash is sitting on the bed beside me stroking my hair and wiping the tears off of my face.

“Why in the hell would he actually follow through on any deal he made with her? She found you so why does he need anything else from her? Why would he do that to you? Especially right now when you need him the most? What the fuck is he thinking? I mean Izzy you almost died, I saw you in his arms when we found you and I thought you were dead because you were so pale and there was so much blood and you weren’t moving; I was the one who called 911, nobody else saw anything. If it had been me Duff would have sent Mandy away again or at least made her stay way from him! I just don’t get it with Axl I mean I think he really loves you but that doesn’t seem to stop him from doing things that he knows will hurt you and it really pisses me off that he would do it now at all times. You deserve so much better than that Izzy,” Slash fumes.

“But he’s the air I breathe Slash, part of my soul, I don’t know how to be without him. I can’t imagine being with someone else; we’ve been together so long and I love him so much and I know he loves me and I don’t understand him all the time either,” I choke out.

“But you were with me and it seemed to make you really happy; why? It seemed like you could be happy with someone else. You honestly seemed happier than I’ve ever seen you other than when we all came back from vacation and you and Axl seemed really in tune and close to each other,” Slash says, sounding confused.

“Slash it’s different with you I want what you and Duff have with Axl, just to be ridiculously in love and sweet to each other. It’s so easy between the two of you; so simple and uncomplicated I want to be happy that way with Axl. You fill in some of the spaces I wish Axl would fill. You’re affectionate, gentle, sweet, you’ve never been angry with me, you didn’t try and blame me for what happened between us; you took responsibility too. Axl goes off and blames me for stuff I don’t have anything to do with.

You’re my friend and you mean a lot to me. When you and Duff were fighting and you were upset the day you were upset down in Mexico I wanted to make you feel better; comfort you the way you comfort me and honestly I like kissing you, I like getting lost in you sometimes and pretending someone as sweet as you belongs to me. When we had sex I wanted you so bad; I knew it would be really different than with Axl or Tommy. It was really different. Tommy is always really rough and being as big as he is he never gives much prep time so it always hurts or makes you bleed. A lot of the time sex with Axl is angry; it’s rarely gentle and sweet. He was sweet the way I wanted him to be on vacation. But I knew you would be and you were; you didn’t hurt me the way Tommy did; you made sure I was prepped and ready for you and you didn’t just shove it into me like Tommy; you took it slow and it felt so fucking good. I don’t know it just filled in something that was missing inside of me; you’re one of the only people who actually gets me. Anyway, I don’t regret it except for the fact that it hurt Duff.” I wonder if he thinks I’m just babbling.

“I don’t regret it either Izzy. I was so afraid he wouldn’t love me anymore when he came back. I saw what happened with Axl and Erin and it scared me to death to think that he would do to me what Axl was doing to you. Now it’s started up again. I just wanted to know there was somebody who loved me no matter what and I was afraid Duff wouldn’t; I was afraid he might have started to fall in love with his wife. You gave me something I really needed that night; I just wanted to be loved and I knew you loved me; you’re my best friend in the world after Duff and I just needed that.” Slash says looking down at his shoes. I’m still crying and he gently reaches up and brushes tears off my face and kisses mu forehead. “Don’t cry Izzy, I’ll talk to him; try and make him see that you need him right now and only him. Erin needs to stay out of the picture. How are you feeling physically?” he asks in a worried voice.

“Like shit. They cut my morphine back so I’m in a lot of pain and trying to keep it together because I know withdrawl is coming. You don’t have anything on you do you?” I ask in an almost desperate voice.

“I do actually, Duff will only give me two shots a day but I keep an emergency one in case I’m not able to be with him when I need it and start to get sick.” He reaches down and pulls the loaded syringe out of his boot. “What do I do? Do you want me to shoot it through the IV or somewhere else?”
“Just shoot it into that extra port on the IV,” I tell him. He does it and I throw my head back and groan in relief. A lot of the pain dissipates and the anxiety that felt coming on goes away. “Oh god thank you,” I whisper.

“Not a problem Iz, I’l bring you some whenever I come to visit ok? I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad.”

“Yeah, this is the worst it’s ever been. Please be careful and make sure those sick fucks don’t get you. I don’t want them to do to you what they did to me and I’m honestly afraid they’ll do something even worse to you
than they did to me.”

“Izzy, what did they do?” he asks timidly. “You don’t have to tell me if you
don’t want to.”

“They spiked my drink with something so never, ever let your drink out of your hands. Then they carried me to a limo in a road case and I woke up all tied up with duct tape. As soon as I was awake and saw that I was with Tommy and Nikki I knew what was coming.” I start to cry again and Slashreaches over and twines fingers through mine and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“You don’t have to go on Izzy if it hurts to much to talk about then it’s ok not to,” he whispers and brushes some my hair back from my face.

I shake my head and grip his hand harder but I keep going. “Tommy said that Nikki promised him a gift but that he didn’t know it would be me. They cut my hands loose and Nikki pulled them up onto the seat and held them down with his knees. He told me he couldn’t wait to hear me scream. Tommy just spit on his dick and shoved it inside of me and it really hurt; I knew something was wrong. It’s not like I haven’t been raped before; I knew my asshole was going to be on fire but the pain was inside and I screamed. I didn’t want to give Nikki the satisfaction of hearing me scream but it fucking hurt so bad. Nikki fucking back-handed me and told me every time I made a noise he was going to hit me again. Let’s just say my face was pretty fucked up when got to the little backwater airport. Tommy came pretty fast which was good but the pain wouldn’t go away. He knew something was wrong; he told Nikki I was bleeding way too much but Nikki didn’t care. Tommy talked him into shooting me up before we got out of the car so I would stay quiet. I don’t remember anything really after that except laying across the back seat of the plane with some kind of plastic under me.

When I woke up again I was in a bed tied to the bedposts. My belly was hurting so much more. Tommy came in and gave me some water and I tried to tell him that something was wrong inside of me but Nikki came in and told me to shut it. Then Tommy fucked me again and Nikki said that watching turned him on so he told me that he was going to make me suck his dick but what he really did was just grab my hair and fuck my throat. He came pretty quickly and then he smeared his cum all over my face with his dick and then started hitti me again if made any noises. Slash, Tommy made me cum too, he held me up by my chest jerked me off with his other hand while he fucked me and when I came it hurt so fucking bad that I screamed and Nikki punched the shit out of me and Tommy told me that he knew I wanted right before he came. Then they left me there and everything went black a few minutes later.

The next thing I remember is Axl holding me and telling me it was going to be ok. Then I woke up here with him next to me but I wish he had let me die there or that I had died before he got there; I’m so ashamed Slash and it hurts so bad! He saaid there are 23 stitches in my ass and I have this horrible pain and every time I go to sleep I dream about it and it takes so long to get past this kind or shit! I just wish I had died!” I start to sob hard, deep gut wrenching sobs that send pain shooting though my incision despite the heroin. Slash leans down and picks up my torso very carefully and hugs me.

“Izzy, don’t lose hope. Axl loves you, I love you, Duff loves you, we’re on our way up, please don’t lose hope. We’ve all been through it, we all know how you feel, you’re gonna be ok Iz, it’s gonna be alright.”

“This is the sixth time Slash, not counting the times I’ve done things I didn’t want to for record executives. Once I was drunk and a bouncer in a club threw me out the backdoor and dragged me down the alley and fucked me, once I got the same treatment Duff did from another record company, once by two guys I was dealing to who didn’t have the money to pay for what they wanted so they took me and my stuff, once to get in with the cartel so I could start dealing, an initiation, I had to take three of them, and once by this huge biker that was getting rough with me over a deal.

Axl was in the alley with me hiding which he did a lot after those two guys took me. Axl ran at the guy with the bat but the dude was so big he just knocked Axl down like a fly and took the bat away from him. I jumped on his back when he punched Axl and he slammed me against the wall and knocked the breath out of me. He started hitting us with the bat until we were both on the ground semi-conscious, I thought he might kill us but no he stripped out pants off and fucked us with the bat!

I couldn’t believe what was happening and I couldn’t really get up to stop it because he had hit me in the head with the bat. He did it to me first and I just remember screaming and screaming when he was shoving it in and it seemed to last forever. Axl was in and out and he was crying. Then the guy did it to him and I’ll never forget the way he screamed and cried and all I could do was lay there and cry while my boyfriend got a baseball bat shoved up his ass. When the guy decided we had had enough he threw the bat down and left.

We laid there for a long time just holding hands because we couldn’t get up but finally everything stopped spinning so much and I got to my knees and then I could stand up and I got Axl up but barely, his head still really hurt. I got our pants back up but we were bleeding through our jeans. We stumbled out of the alley and the hospital was just a few blocks away so I got us there. They took one look at us and immediately loaded us onto cots and wheeled us back. I passed out again as soon as I was on the gurney; when I woke up I had 14 stitches, Axl had 11. We had live off of a liquid diet for days so that if we went to the bathroom it wouldn’t rupture the stitches. But it was different; he was there for me and I was there for him. There were no threesomes with girls, we just had each other and that’s all I want; I want my Billy back!” I realize I’m still sobbing in Slash’s arms and that he’s stroking my hair and my back softly and it’s really nice. “I can’t believe I told you all of that; nobody knows all that but Axl!”

“Shhh, it’s ok Izzy I won’t tell. I never knew you’d been through so much. I’m so sorry all of that happened to you. None of it was your fault, you know that don’t you?” he asks. I shrug my shoulders, I feel like I put myself in some bad situations. “Well it wasn’t. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk or high or dealing; those people forced you into those situations, it was their choice, not yours. It doesn’t make you worth any less and it doesn’t make you less loveable; I know how you think so stop thinking it.”
Damn, he really does know how I think. “Slash, I need Axl, will you call him for me, ask him to come back?”

“Yeah, I’ll call the hotel and get him to come back, you know he’ll come if you need him,” he replies. He moves to lay me back down but as he does I put my hands on either side of his face and gently press my lips to his. My mouth is too busted up to do much more. He smiles into the kiss and kisses me back softly before laying me down. He picks up the phone and dials the hotel where he and Duff are staying. Duff must answer because he smiles and says “Hi baby. Can you get Axl to come back? Izzy wants him. Duff says something and Slash answers “Yeah I know about that, do something about it on the way over here or I’ll kill him myself. Oh, and load up two darts and give them to Axl, the last shit Izzy needs right now is withdrawl.” Duff answers and Slash replies with “Thanks baby, I’ll see you in a while,” and hangs up the phone..

“So Duff knows about Erin?” I ask.

“Yeah, Axl called her, promised her she could come soon.” I just sigh and shake my head sadly and Slash squeezes my hand. “Hey, I brought one of your guitars, do you want to play for a while? Might make you feel better. I nod eagerly and he gets it out and sits my bed up a little and then hands me the guitar and a pick. I tune it up and start to play, just pieces of different things. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the music. I’m in my own world for the next 25 minutes until Axl walks into the door followed by Duff.

I open my eyes when I hear them come in and Axl’s smiling softly at me. “Lost in your music, I love to see you like that, he says and I smile back. Slash gets up so that Axl can sit down and he and Duff say their goodbyes. I don’t miss the quick kiss they exchange though or the smiles on their faces. Such simple happiness. They leave and I hand Axl the guitar.

“Please hold me,” I beg.

He lowers the bedrail and puts the pillow back around my stomach to support it and I lay on my side with my head on his chest. He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. “I love you Angel,” he whispers.

“I love you too Fireball,” I answer and bury my face in his hair. “I needed you back, thanks for coming.”