Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
Slash and Duff leave hand in hand and my heart breaks a little. Their happiness hurts right now; especially when I had just kissed Slash a half an hour ago. Being with him sometimes really messed with my head; more so right now because I know that Axl called Erin when he was back at the hotel. I don’t care how many talks we have about what happened between us that kid is always going to have a piece of my heart. But he loves Duff and he should; they’re good for each other. I’d be good to Slash but not good for him; the two of us would end up so strung out we’d be homeless. But he’s so sweet and smart and fucking beautiful that sometimes, most of the time, it was really hard not to want him. I hold in my sigh of disappointment though and turn to face Axl with a glare. “What?” he says like he doesn’t know he did anything wrong.
“I heard you were talking to Erin on the phone; need to get fucked while your in town? Go fuck somebody else! Hit the Cathouse there’s plenty of chicks in there who are just dying for a chance to fuck you now that we’ve got some money. Go down to the Seventh Veil, same thing, plenty of strippers just waiting for you. Look, I know you’re going to fuck chicks until I’m ready to fuck you again but I swear to god if you fuck another guy or you fuck that whore Erin we are done. Erin is connected to Nikki and in case you forgot it was Nikki and his buddy Tommy who are responsible for putting me in this goddamn hospital! Fuck Axl do you really want to be with the whore of the fucker who let Tommy rape me? The asshole that left me bleeding out and tied to a bed even though both Tommy and I told him something was really fucked up? Not that that makes Tommy any less of a piece of shit. Nikki went through my wallet and analyzed my whole life in two minutes. He shoved my head down on his dick and fucked my throat. He laughed while I cried and begged for Tommy to stop. Every time I opened my mouth, any noise, any scream, or whimper, or word that came out of my mouth I got beaten for. Look at my face Axl! When I got here I couldn’t open one eye! I have stitches on my forehead and chin from where he hit me with his rings on! He sat there and laughed while his friend literally tore my guts apart and you want to talk to his whore on the phone? What the fuck Axl? You tell me you love me and then you dare to talk to her? I can’t even yell this shit at you because it fucking hurts too much” I say as loudly as I can without causing myself a lot of pain.
“Izzy I…” he trails off.
“Izzy I what? Izzy I love that fucking whore and can’t leave her alone? Izzy I need sex so bad that since you’re not available I’ll call up my whore to fuck even though I know the other guy she fucks fucked you up?” I growl.
“Fuck Izzy I’m sorry I, I told you I made a deal with her, what if I don’t keep my word and she tells Nikki and then some other shit happens huh? I mean they’re already on the lookout for some way to grab Slash; we had to fucking hire two bodyguards just so that none of us is alone without a guard at any point in time, especially the fucking kid. Look at what he did to you! Who knows what other sick shit he’s capable of coming up with? What if he gets his hands on our little Curly Sue and fucks him up so badly that it kills him or drives him out of his mind and he overdoses? Shit I’m already worried about you doing that when you get out of here because I couldn’t deal with it if it was me and you’ve been through so much more than this!” Axl answers, getting up to pace the room.
“Axl, if I believed that shit it would be nice but I don’t; you’ve never had a problem throwing any of the others to the wolves. You fucked that poor kid when you knew he was fucking terrified, you sent Duff out with those two losers who tried to fuck us and they raped him Axl! God only knows what you’ve let Steven do because he worships the ground you walk on and will do anything you ask him to no questions asked! Don’t act like you give a shit if anyone hurts Slash other than the fact that you don’t want to lose your lead guitarist because there’s no one else out there good enough to replace him!”
“Fuck you Izzy you know that’s not true! I care about all of you guys! Why the fuck would you say I don’t care? Or maybe it’s just that I don’t care about Slash quite the same way you do, is that it? Did the sex between you mean more than you wanted to admit? Have I been right from the beginning? You have a thing for that kid besides the fact that he makes your dick hard?” Axl almost yells.
“Screw you you hypocrite! I’m not the one trying to hook up with a girl I claim to have no feelings for who’s sleeping with the man who had me kidnapped and raped and you claim that you love me! You told me you loved me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me! You gave me a ring! How could you tell me that and then try and get with Nikki’s whore and the one person I’ve asked you to stay away from? How could you? Then you try and do what you always do and move the heat away from yourself and try and accuse me of something! I’m not falling for that bullshit anymore! Either you love me or you don’t. Make a choice: Erin or me. Duff will worry about keeping Slash safe; they’ve talked about it, Duff actually keeps his promises to his boyfriend because he loves him. Duff and Slash actually understand what it means to love somebody more than anything; they’re good to each other. Have you seen the way they look at each other? They absolutely adore each other; you don’t see Duff letting Mandy anywhere near him do you? No! Because he stopped playing people’s games in order to protect the kid; he’s doing it himself! That game playing shit is what almost lost him the man he loves forever but he wanted to keep him so he did what Slash asked him to and stepped up to the plate. Why can’t you ever do that for me for more than a few weeks? Why can’t we love each other the way those two love each other? Why can’t we have that? It’s so easy for them and they’re so happy! I just want to be that happy,” I tell him in a voice that’s become almost a whisper and try and hide the tears that have started to flow down my face with my hair.
Axl stops pacing and runs his hands through his hair while taking a deep breath. This is him trying to calm himself down so that he doesn’t yell at me or smack the shit out of me. Next he’ll run his hands down over his face and take another breath and then come and sit beside me. I watch as all of this happens and inwardly wonder how many more times I’m going to watch this happen, how many more times am I going to catch him cheating or doing something wrong and call him on it and watch as he turns it around and tries to pin something on me. I love him so much but this shit has got to stop.
“Izzy,” he begins and reaches out to stroke my hair back out of my face but I push his hand away.
“Don’t,” I tell him. “Don’t if you’re just going to lie to me and see her on the side anyway. If you loved me, if you really loved me you wouldn’t even think about seeing that bitch!” I sob. “What is wrong with you?”
“Please don’t cry,” he whispers. “Please. I hate seeing you cry and I’ve made you do it way too much. You’re right and I’m sorry. I, it wasn’t about me having feelings for her Izzy; I’m just scared, really fucking scared. They almost killed you and we have to go on tour with them and I have no idea what else they have planned for any of us. Izzy when I found you I almost peed my pants and my heart literally stopped, I was so afraid that you were dead. I couldn’t breathe but then you groaned a little and I knew you were alive and I was so relieved I thought my knees were going to give out. Izzy what if they hurt you again? Or what if they hurt one of the others? If anything happens to Slash Duff will either jump off of a fucking building or drink himself to death. If anything happens to Duff Slash will purposely OD. I need to be there to take care of you and my god if they get their hands on you again Izzy they really will kill you! I can’t fucking even think about that!”
“Whatever Axl,” I sigh and let him hold my hand and kiss my face. Fighting with him isn’t going to do any good. He has a point but I don’t really care; I don’t want him anywhere near Erin but there’s not much I can do about it laying in this hospital.
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A couple of days later two nurses come in and tell me that it’s time to get me up and walking. They bring a walker to the side of the bed and Axl reaches under my arms and pulls me up. I grip the walker and the nurses tell me that we’re going for a walk down the hall. Great, everyone can see my underwear because this stupid gown doesn’t tie all the way up in the back. I mention this to Axl who figures out a way to tie it around me because it’s way too big for my emaciated body. I wince as I shuffle forward on the walker but Axl, who’s walking behind me pulling my IV pole along with us encourages me to keep moving.
“Come on angel, you can do it,” he says, “you’re tough.” Yeah I fucking am tough and I grit my teeth and keep moving through the pain in my ass and stomach. The nurses smile and cheer me on too and we manage to make it down the hall and back. By the time I get back to my bed everything is throbbing so I hit the morphine button and everything gets hazy but the pain goes away.
A week later they operate again to remove all of my stitches and the colostomy bag. I have to spend another week in the hospital and then they send me home. Home, where the fuck is home now? But Axl’s rented us a hotel room next to the one Duff and Slash are staying in and he keeps me high and gets me up and moving every day and the others come and get me out in the sunshine and Duff laughs and tells me that I’m so pale that I look like a vampire so they bring some chairs outside and we all sit in the sunshine and I have to admit the light makes me feel better. Axl’s been faithful to his promise to stay away from Erin so far but I wonder how long that will last. I’m looking forward to not being in any pain and going on tour with Aerosmith; I’m fucking thrilled about that but the one thing I can’t feel better about is what’s going to happen with Nikki and Erin.
Slash and Duff leave hand in hand and my heart breaks a little. Their happiness hurts right now; especially when I had just kissed Slash a half an hour ago. Being with him sometimes really messed with my head; more so right now because I know that Axl called Erin when he was back at the hotel. I don’t care how many talks we have about what happened between us that kid is always going to have a piece of my heart. But he loves Duff and he should; they’re good for each other. I’d be good to Slash but not good for him; the two of us would end up so strung out we’d be homeless. But he’s so sweet and smart and fucking beautiful that sometimes, most of the time, it was really hard not to want him. I hold in my sigh of disappointment though and turn to face Axl with a glare. “What?” he says like he doesn’t know he did anything wrong.
“I heard you were talking to Erin on the phone; need to get fucked while your in town? Go fuck somebody else! Hit the Cathouse there’s plenty of chicks in there who are just dying for a chance to fuck you now that we’ve got some money. Go down to the Seventh Veil, same thing, plenty of strippers just waiting for you. Look, I know you’re going to fuck chicks until I’m ready to fuck you again but I swear to god if you fuck another guy or you fuck that whore Erin we are done. Erin is connected to Nikki and in case you forgot it was Nikki and his buddy Tommy who are responsible for putting me in this goddamn hospital! Fuck Axl do you really want to be with the whore of the fucker who let Tommy rape me? The asshole that left me bleeding out and tied to a bed even though both Tommy and I told him something was really fucked up? Not that that makes Tommy any less of a piece of shit. Nikki went through my wallet and analyzed my whole life in two minutes. He shoved my head down on his dick and fucked my throat. He laughed while I cried and begged for Tommy to stop. Every time I opened my mouth, any noise, any scream, or whimper, or word that came out of my mouth I got beaten for. Look at my face Axl! When I got here I couldn’t open one eye! I have stitches on my forehead and chin from where he hit me with his rings on! He sat there and laughed while his friend literally tore my guts apart and you want to talk to his whore on the phone? What the fuck Axl? You tell me you love me and then you dare to talk to her? I can’t even yell this shit at you because it fucking hurts too much” I say as loudly as I can without causing myself a lot of pain.
“Izzy I…” he trails off.
“Izzy I what? Izzy I love that fucking whore and can’t leave her alone? Izzy I need sex so bad that since you’re not available I’ll call up my whore to fuck even though I know the other guy she fucks fucked you up?” I growl.
“Fuck Izzy I’m sorry I, I told you I made a deal with her, what if I don’t keep my word and she tells Nikki and then some other shit happens huh? I mean they’re already on the lookout for some way to grab Slash; we had to fucking hire two bodyguards just so that none of us is alone without a guard at any point in time, especially the fucking kid. Look at what he did to you! Who knows what other sick shit he’s capable of coming up with? What if he gets his hands on our little Curly Sue and fucks him up so badly that it kills him or drives him out of his mind and he overdoses? Shit I’m already worried about you doing that when you get out of here because I couldn’t deal with it if it was me and you’ve been through so much more than this!” Axl answers, getting up to pace the room.
“Axl, if I believed that shit it would be nice but I don’t; you’ve never had a problem throwing any of the others to the wolves. You fucked that poor kid when you knew he was fucking terrified, you sent Duff out with those two losers who tried to fuck us and they raped him Axl! God only knows what you’ve let Steven do because he worships the ground you walk on and will do anything you ask him to no questions asked! Don’t act like you give a shit if anyone hurts Slash other than the fact that you don’t want to lose your lead guitarist because there’s no one else out there good enough to replace him!”
“Fuck you Izzy you know that’s not true! I care about all of you guys! Why the fuck would you say I don’t care? Or maybe it’s just that I don’t care about Slash quite the same way you do, is that it? Did the sex between you mean more than you wanted to admit? Have I been right from the beginning? You have a thing for that kid besides the fact that he makes your dick hard?” Axl almost yells.
“Screw you you hypocrite! I’m not the one trying to hook up with a girl I claim to have no feelings for who’s sleeping with the man who had me kidnapped and raped and you claim that you love me! You told me you loved me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me! You gave me a ring! How could you tell me that and then try and get with Nikki’s whore and the one person I’ve asked you to stay away from? How could you? Then you try and do what you always do and move the heat away from yourself and try and accuse me of something! I’m not falling for that bullshit anymore! Either you love me or you don’t. Make a choice: Erin or me. Duff will worry about keeping Slash safe; they’ve talked about it, Duff actually keeps his promises to his boyfriend because he loves him. Duff and Slash actually understand what it means to love somebody more than anything; they’re good to each other. Have you seen the way they look at each other? They absolutely adore each other; you don’t see Duff letting Mandy anywhere near him do you? No! Because he stopped playing people’s games in order to protect the kid; he’s doing it himself! That game playing shit is what almost lost him the man he loves forever but he wanted to keep him so he did what Slash asked him to and stepped up to the plate. Why can’t you ever do that for me for more than a few weeks? Why can’t we love each other the way those two love each other? Why can’t we have that? It’s so easy for them and they’re so happy! I just want to be that happy,” I tell him in a voice that’s become almost a whisper and try and hide the tears that have started to flow down my face with my hair.
Axl stops pacing and runs his hands through his hair while taking a deep breath. This is him trying to calm himself down so that he doesn’t yell at me or smack the shit out of me. Next he’ll run his hands down over his face and take another breath and then come and sit beside me. I watch as all of this happens and inwardly wonder how many more times I’m going to watch this happen, how many more times am I going to catch him cheating or doing something wrong and call him on it and watch as he turns it around and tries to pin something on me. I love him so much but this shit has got to stop.
“Izzy,” he begins and reaches out to stroke my hair back out of my face but I push his hand away.
“Don’t,” I tell him. “Don’t if you’re just going to lie to me and see her on the side anyway. If you loved me, if you really loved me you wouldn’t even think about seeing that bitch!” I sob. “What is wrong with you?”
“Please don’t cry,” he whispers. “Please. I hate seeing you cry and I’ve made you do it way too much. You’re right and I’m sorry. I, it wasn’t about me having feelings for her Izzy; I’m just scared, really fucking scared. They almost killed you and we have to go on tour with them and I have no idea what else they have planned for any of us. Izzy when I found you I almost peed my pants and my heart literally stopped, I was so afraid that you were dead. I couldn’t breathe but then you groaned a little and I knew you were alive and I was so relieved I thought my knees were going to give out. Izzy what if they hurt you again? Or what if they hurt one of the others? If anything happens to Slash Duff will either jump off of a fucking building or drink himself to death. If anything happens to Duff Slash will purposely OD. I need to be there to take care of you and my god if they get their hands on you again Izzy they really will kill you! I can’t fucking even think about that!”
“Whatever Axl,” I sigh and let him hold my hand and kiss my face. Fighting with him isn’t going to do any good. He has a point but I don’t really care; I don’t want him anywhere near Erin but there’s not much I can do about it laying in this hospital.
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A couple of days later two nurses come in and tell me that it’s time to get me up and walking. They bring a walker to the side of the bed and Axl reaches under my arms and pulls me up. I grip the walker and the nurses tell me that we’re going for a walk down the hall. Great, everyone can see my underwear because this stupid gown doesn’t tie all the way up in the back. I mention this to Axl who figures out a way to tie it around me because it’s way too big for my emaciated body. I wince as I shuffle forward on the walker but Axl, who’s walking behind me pulling my IV pole along with us encourages me to keep moving.
“Come on angel, you can do it,” he says, “you’re tough.” Yeah I fucking am tough and I grit my teeth and keep moving through the pain in my ass and stomach. The nurses smile and cheer me on too and we manage to make it down the hall and back. By the time I get back to my bed everything is throbbing so I hit the morphine button and everything gets hazy but the pain goes away.
A week later they operate again to remove all of my stitches and the colostomy bag. I have to spend another week in the hospital and then they send me home. Home, where the fuck is home now? But Axl’s rented us a hotel room next to the one Duff and Slash are staying in and he keeps me high and gets me up and moving every day and the others come and get me out in the sunshine and Duff laughs and tells me that I’m so pale that I look like a vampire so they bring some chairs outside and we all sit in the sunshine and I have to admit the light makes me feel better. Axl’s been faithful to his promise to stay away from Erin so far but I wonder how long that will last. I’m looking forward to not being in any pain and going on tour with Aerosmith; I’m fucking thrilled about that but the one thing I can’t feel better about is what’s going to happen with Nikki and Erin.
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