FicWad

Axl

When Izzy finally got released from the hospital we threw him a party with just us guys. We piled into mine and Izzy's room. Geffen had caught wind of what went down, most likely from that rat fuck Sixx bragging all over town at what he and Tommy had done. So Geffen put us up in penthouses at the Hilton. We each had our own, for all necessary pretenses, but I promise you only three were needed. However, I feel like we deserve the whole goddamn floor. It was time to end this fucking chapter of sucking, fucking, and getting goddamn raped by people who we had considered friends. Just goes to show you, an enemy always comes with a fucking smile.

Izzy's right to not trust Erin. I know he is. And he's probably right about her being some sort of pawn to Nikki. The cunt was probably sucking him off right this second. I m not an idiot. I know she doesn't care about me. Maybe she loves Nikki, maybe she was just using him. However Nikki don't quite strike me as a guy who gets used much. I know that sick fuck isn't done with us, not after what I did to them. And I'm fucking scared. I'm scared to death and I can't show it. I told Izz, but if I broke down and let him actually see it...he's just not up for saviour mode. I have to be that person right now.

And I did the only thing I knew to do to find Izzy. I asked Erin and I honestly didn't give a fuck what the cost was. Now that shit is biting me in the ass. I fucking promised her we'd be together so I could save Izzy. Fuck, I was so desperate to find him I would have married the bitch if that was what she wanted. As it stands, I promised her her space back on my arm. But now Izzy is using all his fucking trump cards to make me go back on my promise. Can't he understand that that will piss Nikki off? What's to stop him from coming for us again? I'm fucking scared. In a few months we have to tour with him. I don't know how Izzy's going to deal with being in such close proximity of the fuck and his circus dicked drummer. Izzy still carries a gun. Izzy can't forgive this, trust me. Again, I'm fucking scared, scared Izzy will do something stupid because he always fucking does, especially when he's fucked up. And rest assured that he's going to be a little more fucked up than normal.

But Izzy won't scream and yell, punch shit or throw things. He lets all that anger and pain manifest inside himself. And the only way he can live with that shit was by a needle in his vein. Numb it away. But that's not all he managed to numb away. He numbed me away too. Of course he lays the blame on me and never his precious smack. He just refuses to see what it's fucking done to him. But I see far too clearly from my very own front row seat. But I love the selfish bastard and I can justify all his fucked up shit because I know it's the drugs.

You probably wonder why I don't just leave him, just move on. The answer is simple. If it was me in his shoes he wouldn't leave me. You don't just leave someone you love when things get tough. The whole point of love is loving them in good times and through the bad, and that is how we loved each other. We've forgotten how to really show each other the passion we did as kids. But we're not innocent kids anymore. We're hardened by the harsh reality of life. In hindsight, maybe our dream wasn't worth all we had endured, but here we were, just at that threshold we so desperately longed for. We could learn to let go of so many things we had become accustomed to. We would find that perfect love we once had. Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but that dream keeps me going from day to day. I love Izzy, and one day that love will win over his addiction. One day he's going to come back to me.

In the meantime, all I can do is keep him comfortable and calm. I have to do my best to keep us all safe. I have to be the driver of this out of control car. At least until Izzy starts driving again. He has a much better tamed temperament for this shit. I guess if I were still a junkie it would be easier. But I'm the smart one for not needing some crutch to bury my emotions. I'm not a fucking Vulcan or Android. Mad, scream. Happy, laugh. Sad, cry. I don't think I'll ever understand why people hide their feelings.

Slash and Duff left around two am. Izzy is happily smacked out and staring blankly at Murder She Wrote. He's not even bitching about it. Unfortunately I know that's because he's not really here right now. I cut off the lights and slide into the bed with him. I tug him into my arms. He settles into me with a sigh.

"You need anything darlin?" I ask as I rub the chill from his arm.

"No," he says softly.

I take a deep breath, "I talked to your mom today," I say. I'm not sure how he will react, his family is a rather sensitive subject. He hates that I talk to his mom and he doesn't. It's not a jealousy thing, its shame. He says he doesn't care or want to talk to her, but that's just a lie he tries to sell himself so that the truth is more bearable.

His eyes look up at me. He's too smacked out to scrunch his brows but I know he mentally is. "She called you?" He questions.

"She left a message for me to call. Your brother Joe is getting married. She invited us," I say flatly because I know there's no fucking way in hell Izzy will ever go. Still, he should know and be given the option of going. Maybe he could at least send some dishes or a crock pot.

"Let me guess, so long as you could keep me sober?" He huffs.

"Something like that," I nod.

"Why didn't she leave the message for me? Why go through you?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Probably because you don't return her calls and haven't spoken to her in...what is it now...eight years?"

He rolls his eyes, "She's the one who said not to talk to her till I got sober... Not sober yet," he resettled on my chest.

"You have no idea how much she worries about you. If it wasn't for me constantly lying about how you really are doing, she'd have a heart attack from worry. You should call her up sometime, even if you just say hi and hang up. It would mean a lot. I mean, we never know how much time we really have to wait around to get over things and forgive others. She gave you life. You have to respect that. She raised you and Joe alone for a while with no help except your grandma. You shouldn't covet her for caring. After all, mother is the name of the lips of all children."

"Don't use your religious shit on me Axe," he sighs.

"I wasn't, I was just saying maybe you could call her."

"No you were saying I should call her up before I overdose or she has a heart attack...as if we're running out of time or some shit. Fuck man, why don't you call your own fucking mom and leave mine the fuck alone."

"Wanna trade asshole? I'll gladly take the mom who calls whoever she can to see how I am as opposed the the cold indifferent mother who never fucking calls me. I think it's a fair trade, we'd both get what we want, me a mother who loves me in spite of it all, and you a mom who cut the cord and never looked back. Fuck why are you starting a fight about this shit? All I said was I talked to your goddamn mom."

"And what lie did you tell her for her benefit?" He sighs.

"That we're going on tour with Aerosmith, our idols. That the record is starting to sell. That you have a nice girlfriend. That you're healthy and happy."

"Mmm, what a grandiose lie there darlin," he smirks at me, "Only part you told the truth on is Aerosmith."

"Don't laugh at me for lying my ass off for you. Be more grateful.," I scold.

"Sure thing darlin, just as soon as I figure out what I could possibly have to be grateful for. TV lied to me, there is no somewhere over a goddamn rainbow with spoonfuls of sugar to make the medicine go down. No Its A Wonderful Life, or Leave It To Beaver. No goddamn Happy Days. So enlighten me with that all knowing wisdom you seem to have, what the fuck am I grateful about again?"

"Well for starters that you're still alive."

"You're calling that a start? I need a better reason than that Fireball."

"Don't do this Izz, don't be all brooding and depressive," I softly say and kiss the top of his head, "I love you and it breaks my heart when you talk like that. It scares me."

I hear him sigh again, "Sorry, guess getting my guts fucked out has made me moody. I'm so fucking sorry Tommy fucked away the rainbow that came out of my ass and rained fucking Skittles. But I'll try to be more sensitive to what the fuck you need baby." His tone is short and condescending.

"You're drunk, go to sleep," I frown.

"Don't you fucking dictate to me," he calmly warns me, " I'll drink as much as I fucking want and sleep when I fucking feel like it."

"Like I expect you to fucking listen," I say under my breath. Though if he did listen to me once in a while he might not be in the fucked up situation he finds himself in right now. I told him to stay the fuck away from Nikki, but did he listen? "Angel I don't want to fight with you but I can understand that you're angry and I'm the only one you can take it out on. Just please stop before you piss me off and make me leave. I just want to hold you, watch TV and go to sleep. I haven't got to hold you for so long like this, please don't ruin it."

"Always about you," he huffs and shifts out of my arms and turns over with his back to me.

"Really Izz? This is how you want to spend your first night out of the hospital?"

"What? We're you hoping for a blowjob?"

"No I just wanted to feel you breathe," I sigh.

He rolls back over to face me. "Don't pretend you weren't hoping for more than that."

"Izzy, I wasn't thinking about sex. That's the last thing on my mind." And it honestly was.

"Why? Does the thought of fucking me repulse you now? Afraid I won't feel like I did? Dick might get lost my ass gapes so wide now?"

I sit up a little and stare at him. Was that what was bothering him? "No, I don't think that. In fact your ass is probably tighter from the stitches. But I wasn't thinking about any of that because I know you're not ready. Baby I can wait. As long as it takes," I stroke his cheek, "I love you."

He looks at me and a tear rolls across his cheek. "Why wait for me when you could fuck anybody you want? Somebody who won't cringe at the thought of..." He chokes back more tears. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You don't have to Angel," I softly say as I wipe the tear away.

"I love you Axe," he says as another falls.

"I know," I nod and pull him back into my arms.

"I fucking hate the way i feel," he mumbles, "I just want to skip this part. I wanna wake up and everything be OK."

"One day you will darlin, I promise. Just a little Patience...those are your words, remember?"

He sniffles, "My head is so messed up Axe. I don't know how to fix it."

"Baby, this is just one of those things in life that can't be fixed. But it gets easier to live with it, and you will. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel very strong Fireball. I want to stick my gun down my throat and pull the trigger."

"Izzy, please don't say that shit. I don't know if you really will or not. You told me once before how you want to die sometimes. I can't lose you Izz. I won't fucking do it. So you pull your shit together Isbell, because you're not taking the easy way out and leaving me to deal with that! Do you understand me?!"

He burrows his head into the sheet, "You'd be better off without a junkie like me."

"Don't say that shit!"

"What the fuck man, you begged me to not shut you out, to tell you what I was thinking and feeling, and when I do you tell me to shut up. I'm sorry what I have to say isn't what you wanna hear. And you wonder why I feel like there's nothing to be grateful for, or live for?"

"Izz do I need to hide your fucking gun so you don't off yourself while I'm sleeping?"

"You're not hiding my goddamn gun."

"Fine, keep the gun, all I need are the bullets. Or maybe I should just pistol whip your ass and knock you out until you stop talking this kind of shit."

"Is this one of those things I'm supposed to be grateful for Axe? A lover who would rather knock me out than listen to my suicidal fucking cry for help? God, I am an ungrateful asshole ain't I?" Now his tone is lost somewhere between rage and tears. He's usually not this fucking moody,

"Goddamnit Izzy! Would you just hit me? Fucking scream at me! Throw shit! Just let it the fuck out! Let it go!"

"I'm not you!" He shouts back at me.

"No shit! You're festering! I don't fucking fester, I unleash the fucking fury!"

"Yeah, usually on me!"

"Oh poor poor pitiful Izzy, where's my fucking violin?" I snap. "You think you're the only fucker who's ever been raped?! We are running neck and neck in case you forgot! Have you ever heard me tell you I wanted to blow my brains out?!"

"That's because you don't have the balls to pull the fucking trigger! !"

"Is that supposed to make you a man!? A man stands on his feet and fights! It takes a pussy to kill themselves!" And then I feel Izzy's hand go across my face hard. "You fuck! Don't make me hit you, your face isn't even healed yet you drunk fuck!"

"FUCK YOU!!!" He yells and throws his weight over on top of me. His hands go around my throat. He stared down at me with dead lifeless eyes. At least he's venting this shit. A tear escapes the corner of my eye. I watch his face soften. His grasp around my neck loosened. His tears splash down on my bare chest. "Oh Axe..."

"Darlin, I can take it, just let it go," I nod as another tear rolls out of my eye.

He collapses down on top of me. " I am so sorry Fireball. I... You don't deserve this shit. I don't deserve you. I'm a lying, cheating junkie. Why won't you just throw me out with the rest of the trash?" He's crying his fucking eyes out again.

I wrap my arms around him. "Because you don't throw love away."

"Axl, I'm losing my fucking mind..."

"Want me to have you committed?" I say jokingly.

"Takes two family members signatures for an involuntary commitment."

I can't help but wonder why the hell he knows that. Had he tried to commit me before? "Then I guess I'll just have to keep you in my sight at all times. You're on suicide watch Isbell, don't make me take your belt and shoelaces."

He lets go of a broken chuckle through sniffles. "I don't know which of us is crazier, me for loving you, or you for loving me."

"I'm batshit crazy for you Angel, don't you go forgetting that or getting the bright idea that I'm better off without you. I tell you when you get to leave, are we clear?"

He wipes his tears and nods. He resettled next to me and was soon falling asleep and twitching in my arms. My tears flow freely as I lay there and pray for the strength to see Izzy through this. God give me the strength to fight for him.