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Duff

After dinner Doug tracked us down. Guitar magazine wanted an interview with Slash. So I took a taxi back to the bus. It brings me so much comfort knowing that we have security now. Nikki might still get to us, but at least he had more of a fighting chance now. But to be honest with you, I wasn't so much worried about Nikki. I was more worried about Izzy coming after Slash.

Izzy had been anything but discrete lately about how he would love another taste of him. I mean fuck, he does this shitbright in front of me, right in front of Axl. Axl tells me it's the drinking. But I also remember how once upon a time Axl told me there was nothing Izzy wouldn't do drunk. I love Izzy, but I don't know if I can trust him right now. I know Slash keeps shooting him down and pushing him away, but what if Izzy stops taking no as an answer? What if he just takes what he wants, like Tommy had done to him. Can I really say Izzy would never do that? At one time I could, but now, now I don't even know who the fuck Izzy is anymore.

I find myself wondering alot what all happened in those three days Nikki and Tommy had Izzy. I wonder if he's even told Axl everything? I think Nikki got in his head somehow. I don't know bwhat he could have said, done, threatened to do, but whatever it was Izzy has no desire to deal with it. Izzy just stayed gone from reality. Coke brought him back for a bit when we needed it to, but in no time flat Izzy would return to his precious oblivion. What was it he couldn't face? Would he ever get past this?

I really wanted to be able to trust Izzy. I wanted him to be our protective man with the plan again. I wanted him to get clean...well cleaner. I wanted him to find that happiness he so desperately wanted with Axl. You know, maybe that's all it would take to fix Izzy. They had been so loving while Izzy was in the hospital, but Izzy never got released from the hospital, some doppelganger had consume his body. Izzy was doing some really stupid shit. He was pissing everyone off. Even management was tired of making excuses for him. Pretty soon David Geffen personally was going to catch wind of this. What the fuck would happen then? Would he drop us from the label?

The taxi drops me off at the bus. I climb the steps quietly in case anybody's fucking. I see Izzy sitting by the window. His knees are in his chest and he's rocking himself back and forth. I can see tears streaming down his face. For a second I think about leaving but then I see broken glass in the aisle. God only knows what has happened now. Axls gone so I can only assume that they've had another fight. I can't leave him like this.

I clear my throat and his eyes dart to mine. He quickly wipes away his tears and puts his knees down. "Duff...I thought you and Slash were celebrating your anniversary."

"We were. Guitar Magazine wanted to interview Slash so we had to cut it a little short. Um...is everything ok? What's with the broken glass? You and Axl didn't have a fight did you?"

Izzy sniffles and shakes his head. "No, we made up."

"This is a really strange looking makeup scene man. If you made up why are you crying?" I slowly move closer and sit across from him.

He grabs a bottle and takes a chug. "Erin's back."

"Yeah, I know," I nod.

"We had a threesome with her last night."

"Come again?" My eyes go wide.

"Nikki wants her to break us up, so Axl is gonna let her think it's working. But last night was the first time I've had sex since...I wanted it to be with just me and Axl, you know? That's how it should have been. I told him and he made love to me tonight, but... I shouldn't have had to tell him that. But Axl being Axl, he thought it might be easier if I fucked a chick first."

I can only sigh, "So now three ways with Erin is going to become a regular thing?"

Izzy nods, "And staged fights so she can go back and tell Nikki. So he thinks his plan is working. Maybe it'll keep him off our backs for a while."

I just nod. It gets quiet for a moment as Izzy sucks down more whiskey. "Duff, I'm so fucking sorry for the way I've been acting lately. Sorry that I keep coming on to Slash. It's just the drunk asshole in me. I d never hurt you like that again."

"I wish I could believe that Izz... But your drinking makes you do a lot of shit you say you'd never do. Even Axls told me that. How do I know Slash won't cross you when you're just that right level of drunk? How do I know you won't just fucking take what you want? How do I know you won't do to Slash what Tommy did to you?"

Izzy gives me the most hurtful expression I've ever seen. It broke my heart. "Do you really think lime that about me Duff?"

"When you drink..." I end the statement in a shrug.

"I would never hurt Slash. I would never do to anyone what Tommy did to me. I wouldn't even do it to Tommy. I wouldn't even do what Axl did to Tommy. Please don't think of me like that Duff," and he starts to cry again.

"Izzy," I say and look down, "Axl said all the other times this happened to you you weren't this bad. Why is this time different? Did something happen you haven't told anyone?"

Izzy just looks away silently.

"If you don't want to tell Axl I won't say a word. I won't tell Slash. Just level with me izz, what happened?"

He takes a drink and then lights a cigarette. "Nikki got in my head Duff," he shrugs. "He put a metaphorical mirror in my face and he showed me shit I've spent years numbing with smack."

"Tell me," I urge him.

He glances at me and looks away in shame again. "Duff...I've done some bad shit. Been through bad shit. Nikki is psychic or something. He figured out that Axl and I always dealt with the music business together. He laughed and told me how much it must have sucked to watch Axl being raped next to me and I can't do shit but take it from some other guy. He knew that's why we're so fucked up. But there were other things he figured out."

"Like what?"

"Like my family. My parents splitting up, my dad remarrying, then my mom. He told me I must have hated it growing up, that I had to be the man of the house. I was Duff. He told me I was raised on welfare, and I was. He told me I resented my mom for making my dad leave, and I did. But somehow he knew my deepest darkest secret Duff, not even Axl knows. I ve never said anything about this, you're the first."

"I won't breathe a word." I nod.

"I started singing drugs for Mexican cartel. Duff...to do that you have to give them the names of people close to you, addresses...that way if you ever fuck up...Duff Nikki knew whose name I gave them. It was my fucking mom. If they don't get their cash monthly they will hunt her down and fucking kill her. I've been covering it, but I don't know how much longer I can without slinging. This music stuff is working right now, but what if..."

"Holy shit," I mutter. Now I really had doubts about Izzy. He put his own mother on the fucking chopping block. Shit. He is a monster.

"I'm gonna talk to them as soon as I can, see if I can't buy my way out of the business or something. They're either gonna say no, where's our cash, or they'll kill me. Right now I kinda hope they do."

I don't know what to fucking say. "Fuck."