FicWad

Slash
The tour with Aerosmith couldn’t be going better, they really like our music! Almost every night they sit in the wings and watch our show and Joe Perry told me that they never watch their opening acts but that we’re that good; he feels like they’re passing the torch on to us as the next generation of rock! I’m not sure a bigger I could imagine a bigger compliment! Joe and Steven Tyler also figured out Duff and I were together after walking into my dressing room one night and finding me on his lap making out with him. Steven started giggling like a girl and said he never would have figured that out, guess that means we’re doing a better job of hiding it then we thought.

Things have sort of settled down within the band too. Izzy’s stopped drinking so much and is just getting high instead. He stopped hitting on me and can’t really look Duff in the eye because he’s still hurt about Duff saying he thought Izzy might attack me. I told Duff that Izzy told me what he had said to him and how much it had hurt him and that I thought he should apologize to him and he agreed to but he said “I still just don’t feel safe with him being alone with you when he’s drunk Baby Boy, he’s not himself, he’s something else entirely.” But he did apologize but Izzy hasn’t gotten over the hurt yet.

I also asked Duff to talk to Axl about getting rid of Erin because for whatever reason Axl seemed to respect Duff’s opinion of him and his actions. He didn’t send Erin away but he must have stopped the threesomes with her and Izzy because we can all tell that Izzy’s getting laid again because he’s so much more relaxed and happy and cuddly with Axl when we’re alone as a band. I haven’t seen anymore tears and I haven’t seen asked anything so far so I figure things must be good between them if Izzy’s actually smiling and cuddling happily with his boyfriend which is a relief to me. I didn’t mind giving Izzy a handjob, no big deal to me; it wasn’t like I fucked him but knew it would have called all kinds of hell to rain down on our heads If anyone elsoe found out. Izzy was just so hurt that day and I wanted to kiss those tears right out of him and I also liked the fact that it was ME he wanted to touch him. It was ME he trusted after all he’d been through. Besides Duff Izzy was my best friend and I loved him and I tried to take care of those people I loved but I knew that taking care of Izzy by giving him a hand job wasn’t really going to take care of anything; it would just create more problems for everyone.

Duff said that when he told Axl that the two of them needed to have a talk about Izzy that Axl started crying almost immediately and started apologizing for how Izzy’s been hitting on me and everything and he told Duff that he’s really sorry and embarrassed about all of it and that he knew Duff was really angry but that he didn’t know how to reign Izzy in and stop him; that he’d never seen Izzy act like this for so long before. None of us have really; I mean we’ve all seen Izzy be an asshole when he’s drunk but he’s never been constantly drunk so he’s never been constantly an asshole. He told Duff he didn’t know what to do or what Izzy needed. Duff said he didn’t know but he could tell him what happened between us after we’d both been fucked by somebody we didn’t want. It was different for each of us in terms of what we needed and how we’d acted and felt. But it wasn’t the sixth time it had happened to us either and I’m sure that throws even more hell into the feelings that come with the aftermath of the assault.

With Duff, who got a rawer deal than me in my opinion he got really clingy and wanted me to hold him or at least be touching him all the time. I’d only gotten to spend three days with him too after he’d been raped because of that stupid chick pressing bogus rape charges against me and Axl before I’d had to leave him in Izzy’s care for a week. I hated that; it fucking ripped my heart out to have to leave him when he needed me most. I cried about it every night after Axl wen’t to sleep because I wasn’t able to be there for him. But for those three days he wanted to be as physically close to me as possible. So I only ate and showered when he slept and he only let go of me willingly to let me use the bathroom or make him something to eat. He also wanted to talk about it right after it happened too; he told me the whole story that night after we got back from the hospital in graphic detail that turned my stomach and made me furious at the men who attacked him. I wanted to hunt them down and blow their balls off with a shotgun! I was surprised he wanted to talk about it too; especially so in depth but he really needed to unload all that shit. Duff doesn’t like to dwell on stuff and let it fester inside; he’d rather talk about it and get everything out in the open and move on than keep it inside.

In fact he can’t move on when something goes wrong without talking about it. Not that he talks about stuff with everybody, just me or Izzy usually or the person he’s having a problem with but it’s what he needs to do to feel better when things are bad so even when it makes me want to squirm or scrape my eyeballs out with broken glass I’m so uncomfortable I listen to him and talk back anyway because it’s for him and I’d do anything to make him feel better when he’s hurting. Duff has such a big heart and is always trying to help everyone else he’s impossible not to care for in return. I didn’t know how he’d react to being raped, not a fucking clue and I sure as shit didn’t know what to do but Izzy told me just to love him and not to touch him unless I asked first unless he touched me and that we’d figure it out together; it’s not like there’s a fucking handbook and Izzy was right. I just loved him, talked about it with him, held him up when he was clinging to me like a life preserver in a hurricane and asked if it was ok before I kissed his poor, busted, lips and I didn’t let go of him for three days when I had to make a mad dash out of our apartment to avoid being arrested.

When I came back I’d slept with Axl which wasn’t something I was exactly forced into but not something I wanted or felt like I had much of a choice in. I managed to keep that secret for about six hours when I puked instead of getting excited when Izzy said that we had gotten a contract offer from Virgin I still didn’t want to tell Duff and Izzy, I didn’t want to tell anyone ever but they wouldn’t let me out of the bathroom until I told them what was going on so I did tell them. I hated piling shit on Duff when he had been attacked only a week and a half before; I knew he’d feel like he’d need to be my caretaker when he still wasn’t able to emotionally stand on his own yet either. When I told them everything Izzy left to go talk to Axl and make sure he was ok and Duff just sat on the bathroom floor holding me while I sobbed. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and beyond answering his questions about whether or not I was physically ok I said no and he didn’t push. But I was like him in that I needed to be physically comforted, I wanted him to hold me, to stroke my hair, give me soft, gentle, kisses that had nothing to do with sex, kisses that were meant just to show he loved me.

Then a week later when we went to dinner to discuss the “details of our contract” with Virgin and I got handed over to them as their dessert. Duff willingly stepped into the car and bent over and gave up his barely healed body to those fucks so I didn’t have to go through it alone and I felt so much that I tried to express but I don’t think I did a very good job no matter many times I’ve tried in all the months since. I was so grateful to Duff for not making me go through being raped alone; who does that for another person, allow themselves to be taken against their will just so their lover doesn’t have to go through it alone? Nobody short of a fucking saint that’s for sure. It was so weird, I felt so violated and dirty and repulsed and angry over what happened to me and what happened to Duff but I felt so loved and so in love with Duff because of what he did and I was just blown away by the fact that he would do that for me. I was also scared and relieved at the same time: scared of what was going to happen before the first guy actually stuck his dick in me and relieved that I wouldn’t get totally savaged like Duff had because I wasn’t alone, but I was terrified before Duff got in the car, I knew he wouldn’t let them hurt me if he could help it, well other than the obvious.

I remember being so angry at hearing the one guy get off in Duff’s ass because he was using Duff’s body to please himself when Duff didn’t want it and some other guy had done the same thing to him two weeks before. I remember feeling so heartbroken that this was happening to someone I loved so much and who loved me more than I had ever imagined before that night. I’ll never forget his brown eyes looking at me across the backseat, our hands linked between us and him telling me to look at him and only at him to keep me from losing my shit. Kind of reminds me of what Izzy said about holding Axl’s hand in the alley after that guy attacked them with the bat; I wonder how many other times they did things they consented to the way Duff and I had and held hands while it happened; did they ever? When did they get so far apart that either Axl didn’t notice when the guys from Nikki’s record label had more or less skull fucked him last year? Did he not notice that something was wrong or had they drifted so far apart that Izzy didn’t want to tell him and Axl didn’t want to ask? I don’t ever want to feel that far apart from Duff.

I remember feeling my skin ripping when that fucker panting overtop of me fucked me harder and harder even though there wasn’t enough spit lubing up his cock anymore. I remember shrieking and being so surprised at how much it physically fucking hurt! Duff practically carried me back to Izzy’s car and the heroin was wearing off and I was sobbing once the door shut because everything was just so overwhelming. Duff told Izzy that the one guy made me bleed and they both asked if I was ok, if I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn’t, I was too ashamed. I just told Duff I didn’t want to talk about it but I was ok and he told me that was fine and held onto me tightly on the car ride home. He never made me talk about it and although we have some since then he’s never pushed, not one time. He told me I was brave that night but I felt like such a chicken because I let it happen; I let it happen to both of us. I wonder if he blamed me for it the way I had blamed him?

Oddly enough after we came home that night and scrubbed the stench and filth of those record executives off of us Duff asked me to make love to him that night for the first time since he had been attacked. Maybe he knew we needed to keep the intimacy alive between us so the love didn’t go away without it. Maybe because of what we had shared that night, pain, shame, and horror being reflected in each other’s eyes as we stared at one another across the back seat while two men we hated shoved their cocks up our asses, that shit was more intimate than anything else we had ever shared with another person because we saw each other in the most vulnerable, degrading, shameful situation possible and we didn’t look away and we didn’t let go; we just squeezed our hands tighter together. Maybe after sharing something so terrible Duff needed to share something good with me so darkness didn’t cloud over our relationship. Maybe he knew that if we didn’t do it that night I would shut down and shut him out which I probably would have. Maybe it was just desperation on both of our parts to disassociate sex with something horrible and not associate that horror with each other. Probably all of those things.

I’m sure it hurt physically for Duff, it had to have hurt some; his body had just healed and he’d already been forced into sex that night but if it did he never showed it and it obviously felt good because he came three or four times. Duff always seemed to know what I needed in some ways and in some ways he was clueless. That night he got it right though. By letting me make love to him that night, by asking for it he got me to keep my mind away from the dark places it wanted to go, by letting me love him physically at that moment it let me know that touching and sex could still be about love and that I wouldn’t forever associate it with rape; he knew that I’d pour my heart into caring for him and trying to show him all of those same things because he needed it too. By letting me love him physically that night he saved me from never being able to not associate any kind of sexual contact with negative feelings. By getting me to love his body with my own that night he kept the connections open between our hearts and our bodies. Maybe he even made it stronger because we desperately needed each other after that and it kind of took away the power from our attackers. We could still love each other in spite of their abuse and the shame it made us feel.

I hadn’t been Duff’s first after he was attacked either; those two fuckers from Virgin were. That thought makes my chest throb. He let that happen to him before we’d even slept together so I didn’t have to be alone. He really did love me; whether he had stopped it from happening or not he had still let himself get raped a second time with nothing good in between so I didn’t have to go through that shit alone. Fuck and I was an asshole who paid that back for resenting him for not stopping it period and sleeping with Izzy. Duff really didn’t know what to do; should he have let me think for myself and be a man or put his foot down and be a man for me? He did the best he could, more than he had to or anyone including me expected him to. Then I fooled around with Izzy again because I was pissed at him and I wanted Izzy to feel better. Is it any wonder this whole band is so fucking messed up?

That was honestly one of the worst and best nights of my life. We were both so vulnerable and our hearts were raw with shame and pain that we had shared that when we came together physically it was one of the most intimate sexual experiences we’ve ever had. That night, the first time we slept together, and the first time we slept together at the resort in San Diego after I came clean with Duff about sleeping with Izzy and I finally actually TALKED to him about what was going on inside of my heart and mind were the three times I felt the most connected physically and mentally to another person. If I’d been able to talk about things sooner maybe stuff wouldn’t have gotten as bad between us as it did but I just tend to shut down or pretend everything’s fine even when it isn’t because I don’t want to fight with people, especially Duff. Izzy does the same thing more or less; maybe that’s why we were able to relate to each other.

But I couldn’t, fool around with Izzy again, not ever. It wouldn’t fix shit between him and Axl it would only make it worse and it would destroy everything that Duff and I had and I didn’t want to lose him. I couldn’t lose him; I’d really honestly rather die than not have him so what the fuck did I do that shit with Izzy for? No, it didn’t mean anything to me in the long run but it mattered to Duff and I was worried it meant more to Izzy than he let on. No way did I want to hurt either of them any more than I already had. Why did I go and fuck shit up again? It’s like goddamn heroin; I can’t stay away from that fucking shit, especially when I’m feeling really low and I couldn’t stay away from Izzy when we were both low; we were each other’s fix. It had to stop. The heroin probably never would but shit with Izzy had to; I loved Duff too much and it wasn’t as if Izzy and I would ever get together-he had Axl.

I needed a fucking fix thinking about all of this shit; my mouth was starting to water just thinking about it- breaking up the compacted powder into the spoon, cooking it, drawing it up, finding a fucking vein which was a thrill no matter how much it fucking hurt if you had to stick yourself more than once and the needle got dull, watching the dark red blood bleed into the warm, gold liquid in the needle and then pushing the plunger down. Fuck, it almost made me hard thinking about it. I loved the whole fucking process. I loved the euphoria, the initial rush of heaven that hit the base of your skull and spread through your head down through your body with a warmth that made you throw your head back and groan. It was better than sex, better than anything you’ve ever felt for the first 30 seconds or so. Then that warm happiness just stayed with you. Sometimes it was even there the next day; you’d find yourself actually laughing like a normal person when the week before all you could do was cry before the shit hit your veins the day before. You could actually be happy and damn could I write music and play guitar when I was on that shit. My creativity spiked along with my mood and I felt totally at peace and able to let the music flow through my fingers in ways that it just never could when I was sober. Heaven that could kill and had almost killed me more than once but I couldn’t stop coming back for more. Heaven that could kill, maybe we could work that into a song somewhere.

Anyway, Duff told Axl to keep Erin out of his and Izzy’s relationship and that what Izzy needed more than anything was Axl’s love; even when he pushed him away he needed to come back and keep trying. Izzy was like a scared rabbit right now; he jumped at any little sound or touch that he wasn’t expecting unless he was drunk or smacked out of his mind. I have no idea what Axl was thinking when he suggested threesomes with Erin when he knew she was Nikki’s whore! Thankfully Duff ripped him a new one for that idiocy and for not making their first time together again be just the two of them. Sometimes it baffles me how Axl can be so emotionally out of sync with not just his fiancee or husband or whatever they considered themselves now, but with the entire world. How hard is it to realize that the first time you have sex with your significant other after being raped you probably want it to just be the two of you; no third parties involved. Duff said Axl said that he realized he’d fucked up when he’d found Izzy awake and crying later that night and that he’d tried to make it up to him but that he knew it wasn’t enough. Shit if he only knew how not enough it had been and what happened later that day Izzy and I would both be dead. I don’t like the secret that I’m keeping from Duff and I shouldn’t have let it happen but I prefer to keep both my boyfriend and my balls so I’m not telling and Izzy apparently wanted to keep both of those things too so he’s not talking either.

But the morning after Axl and Duff talk we run into Izzy in the hotel hallway going back towards his room with a bucket of ice. “What’s up fucker?” Duff asks.

Izzy almost jumps out of his skin when he hears Duff’s voice, but when he sees us he grins from ear to ear looking like a total idiot because he tries really hard to wipe the smile off of his face but he can’t no matter how hard he tries. “Nothing, just getting some ice,” he says and blushes.

“What’s up with the red face and the grin Stradlin?” Duff teases knowing the answer good and well. “Did you get laid last night?”

“Shut up fuck face and yeah, I did for your information!” Izzy answers and turns red again but keeps smiling.

“Thank fucking God; maybe you and the little red-headed hornet will be in a better mood now!” Duff laughs and claps him on the back. Izzy flips him the bird and keeps walking. I’m thinking the same thing as Duff though; thank fucking god! Now his mind will be on and stay on Axl; it won’t stray back to me unless Axl’s attentions stray elsewhere and leave Izzy crying into a bottle of gin or Jack or Nightrain. Izzy saunters back into Axl’s room; I have no idea where Erin went, maybe she’s bunking with Steven now? Not like he’d pass up a chance at free pussy. Duff and I go back into our own room and as soon as the door closes I grab Duff and pull him to me hard; my face nuzzling into his neck and breathing in his smell.

“What’s that for?” he asks me wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me back.

“Just because I love you. Because I realized that after those guys from Avi your first time again was with those fucks from Virgin because of me. I never really thought about it before but it was. Then you wanted to sleep with me later that night and that went on for hours; why?”

“What do you mean why? Because I loved you dumbass; I’d already been so fucked up and lost in myself that I didn’t drag you out of that restaurant, I more or less escorted you to their limo. Did you think I was going to let them go at you like rabid dogs all alone if I didn’t have to? You were a terrified kid and they knew it; who knows what they would have done to you? I’d rather have at least taken it with you; it’s not like they could really fuck with you too badly if I was there. Then when we got home I needed you; probably the same way Izzy needed Axl the other night,” he answers with a far off look on his face and I can tell he’s remembering everything by the changing emotions in his eyes which go from sad to angry to desperate
and back to normal.

“I needed you too, I’m glad we made love that night because if we’d have waited I don’t know how long it would have been. I probably would have shut down. You knew that didn’t you?” I ask him quietly looking up into his eyes.

He nods. “I knew if it wasn’t right then it would be months from then or never and I would have lost you. If you had shut down I would have too and I couldn’t lose you; I was already in such a fucking hole I couldn’t lose the one good thing I had. Honestly it was partly desperation to feel something good that night and that was the only thing that would have filled that need. I just needed you, I needed to be with you in that way; I’m sorry if that bothers you or something…”

“It doesn’t,” I cut him off. “I needed you too. You weren’t the only one who was feeling desperate for affection in that way. I’m sorry I blamed you for letting that happen to me; it wasn’t your fault, you were doing the best you could. I could have said no too. It wasn’t your fault Duffy and I’m sorry I made you feel like it was. All this shit with Izzy and Axl over the past few days made me remember a lot of shit from last year and I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. You did what you thought you should do and then you did way more than you had to but if you hadn’t I would have gone crazy and then if we hadn’t made love the way we did when we did I don’t know if we’d have been able to pick up the pieces. I love you.”

“I love you too Baby Boy, in fact since we’re talking about it why don’t you let me show you how much right now?” he asks grinning and kisses up the side of my neck.

“Mmm I think I could handle it…” that sentence ends in a sound somewhere between a moan and a shriek when Duff sucks on the soft spot just behind my ear that he knows is my weakness. He laughs and quickly rids us both of our shirts and kisses me down onto the unmade bed. Our hands fumble with our belts and buttons and zippers and finally our pants are on the floor too somehow within 15 seconds or less Duff has me on my stomach on the unmade, already messy bed returning the favor of the rim job I gave him a few nights ago only he keeps me pinned to the bed and won’t touch my dick and he won’t let me touch it either; he just keeps me suspended in a tortured limbo of pleasure with no release. I try and rub myself against the mattress but he won’t let me do that either; he just pins me down even harder. His tongue moves in and out of me and flicks across my opening, licks up and down my crack, and I’m practically screaming in frustration when he suddenly pushes two fingers inside of me and presses down on my prostate and circles his fingers and I let out a yell as I cum harder than I can remember cumming in months and Duff always feels amazing. My hips don’t even know which way to move; do I move towards his fingers or grind into the mattress? It really doesn’t matter, the pleasure doesn’t stop either way. When I come down Duff stretches me out and then flips me over; my stomach is coated in cum and now so is my back but I don’t fucking care.

I watch as Duff grabs the bottle of lube but I take it from him and stroke it over his dick myself and his eyes roll back in his head and he groans out my name and grabs my wrist. “Stop, I wanna fuck you; don’t you dare get me off with your hand!” I grin at him and let him go and he slides into me, his lips pressed to mine, moaning quietly into my mouth as I pry his lips open with my tongue and slide it into his mouth. He kisses me hard but he moves slowly inside of me so that he doesn’t blow his load. “Fuck baby you feel so good around my cock,” he growls. But slowing it down helps him keep it together for a while, at least long enough for me to get hard and get off again.

We switch off a few times that morning and afternoon, changing positions, changing from top to bottom and back; it’s the first time in a while we’ve had all day to spend in bed together and it’s fucking wonderful. We don’t even eat lunch or dinner, we skip lunch and before dinner we take a shower, get in the other bed in the room and curl up into one of those weird positions that the other guys say only the two of us could sleep in and be comfortable and pass out until morning.