Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Axl
(Dreaming):
The cool wooden surface of the polished conference table squeaks as my chest slides back and fourth across it. Oh god it hurts. His dick is so hard and jackrabbit fucking my dry ass. I feel my flesh sticking and rubbing raw with every hard thrust. I bit my lip hard, refusing to scream in pain. I keep it to just muted grunts. Next to me I can hear the pants of the guy on Izzy. But Izzy doesn't make a sound. I turn my head in his direction. He's flat on his back, feet and ass at the edge as a suit has his way with him. Izzy's looking at me with a distant stare. I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Izzy tries to get up but the suit pushes him down. He tries again and is punched hard. He falls back dazed as the guy fucking him never misses a beat. Izzy turns his head to look at me again. He outstretched his hand for me and I do the same. But our fingers barely touch, not enough to hold on to one another. A tear falls from Izzy's eye to and we helplessly stare at one another crying. Then I feel my ass tearing...
I jump straight up in my bunk on the bus. I make no sound because I know that it would wake Izzy. I quietly catch my breath. I look over at Izzy and tears flood my eyes. I quietly scoot from my bunk and shuffle to the front of the bus. I see a bottle of Jack on the table and grab it. I guzzle some down and sit staring out the window and into darkness.
Im not sure what caused me to think of that night, that wasn't even a rape. We willingly did that trying to get Hollywood Rose signed. That night wasn't even the first time we had done that. I'm thinking that the significance of the dream was something else. I think it was about reaching for Izzy and not being able to reach him. With all the shit that's gone down recently I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to reach him this time. But somehow, he brought himself back a bit.
I think what Duff told him about not really trusting him anymore, especially when he drank, really struck a nerve. I wish I could say that Duff had nothing to worry about, but not even I trust a drunken Izzy. Too much has happened to Izzy, six rapes, muggings, exploitation, unwanted sex, and addiction. Something had snapped a long time ago. I guess the time that biker beat us with a bat, then fucked us with it was when he really broke. See, I wasn't supposed to be there. I had followed him that night. Before that incident Izzy didn't carry a gun. I always worried about him at night selling drugs in the shadows to the shadiest characters in Hollywood. A lot of nights I secretly tailed him. I don't regret it, that night, but Izzy blamed himself for me being involved. That guy almost killed us both. Izzy got the worse of it. I was only semi conscious, slipping in and out while he hurt Izzy. Izzy's screams kept trying to bring me back. When I finally came to all the way I was at the receiving end of the bat. I remember looking over at Izzy. He was struggling to get up but kept falling back down on his stomach. When the guy was satisfied with what he had done to me he robbed Izzy and ran.
It took so long for us to crawl and roll to one another. When we finally made it our hands found each other we could only grasp one another's hands for a long time. It took us hours to get one another on our feet. Then an additional two hours to make it to a hospital. I was in light colored denim jeans, Izzy was in black. The blood on my pants was evident. But Izzy was worse. He left a trail of bloody footprints behind. Combined, we ended up with 16 stitches total. Nine for Izzy, and seven for me. We both had concussions and spent the night in the hospital.
Afterwards we both went home, got in bed, held one another, and stayed smacked out to try to deal with what had happened. After our stitches came out we were hesitant to have sex again. But when we did, it was fucking amazing. It seemed to solidify our love. We loved each other and nothing could ever break that. We have shared the highest of highs and the lowest of lows together. Everything. We have a bond that nothing can break. We have a connection that runs so much more deeply than the guys realize.
And I realize that they simply don't know. They only know what we have told them, which is very little. I head Slash and Duff say all the time that they are glad they aren't like us. You don't know how bad I want to tell them that they already are. Everything they went through together, the way they touch, their words, affections...none of it was any different than me and Izzy. And I know where their relationship is eventually going to end up. Duff was going to have one sober moment in which he realizes Slash is lost to heroin. And I know he will beg, plead, make threats, scream, yell, push and shove...but junkies only quit when they want to. And along the way they're going to fight, makeup, fuck one another over, lie, fight, makeup over and over again, just like me and Izzy.
And I know all about the conversation Izzy and Duff had. Duff has lost trust in Izzy I think. I did that many years ago. But I know Izzy. It's no grand shock to me that he lies to me, cheats on me, and talks shit about me. Like I said, I know Izzy. No one is solid gold or anywhere near perfect. But on the flip side, Izzy would die for me. He's always been there to pick me up when I fall down. He can get through to me when I'm being all crazy. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can make either of us ever not love to he other.
And let's not forget, I'm far from perfect too. I've cheated, and talked shit about Izzy too. But I've never fucking lied. Lies beget only more lies, and who the fuck can ever keep them all straight? Lies always surface. And I say this, as far as Izzy goes, I know that Izzy would never rape Slash. He cares too much about him. And don't think it pleases me to say that. I hate it. I m jealous. I have doubts. And...I know Izzy. But he would never physically hurt him. Izzy had already done enough damage to the kid. He gave him the smack habit.
But Duff telling Izzy that is what made him start pulling it the fuck together. Im glad someone got through to him. God knows I haven't been. But still I try. And slowly it's getting better with Izzy. He's still struggling, and he probably always would over this. Izzy thought of Nikki as a friend, a friend who helped us get to where we are. And Tommy was someone who he had had consenting sex with on a few occasions. And they did the most unspeakable thing to him. And we have no choice but to tour with them. I m scared as shit for Izzy. I'm scared for us all. We joke and call our tour to Seattle the hell tour, but I have a feeling it's gonna be touring with the Crue.
My thoughts are interrupted by a soft whisper in the dark. "Fireball... You have a nightmare?"
My Izzy. I smile, whether he sees it or Not. "No darlin, just couldn't sleep." And I'm not lying. I Izzy's still not up to dealing with my crazy dreams. In time. But not tonight.
"Want me to sit with you?" He softly asks.
"No," I shake my head, "I'll come lay with you."
(Dreaming):
The cool wooden surface of the polished conference table squeaks as my chest slides back and fourth across it. Oh god it hurts. His dick is so hard and jackrabbit fucking my dry ass. I feel my flesh sticking and rubbing raw with every hard thrust. I bit my lip hard, refusing to scream in pain. I keep it to just muted grunts. Next to me I can hear the pants of the guy on Izzy. But Izzy doesn't make a sound. I turn my head in his direction. He's flat on his back, feet and ass at the edge as a suit has his way with him. Izzy's looking at me with a distant stare. I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Izzy tries to get up but the suit pushes him down. He tries again and is punched hard. He falls back dazed as the guy fucking him never misses a beat. Izzy turns his head to look at me again. He outstretched his hand for me and I do the same. But our fingers barely touch, not enough to hold on to one another. A tear falls from Izzy's eye to and we helplessly stare at one another crying. Then I feel my ass tearing...
I jump straight up in my bunk on the bus. I make no sound because I know that it would wake Izzy. I quietly catch my breath. I look over at Izzy and tears flood my eyes. I quietly scoot from my bunk and shuffle to the front of the bus. I see a bottle of Jack on the table and grab it. I guzzle some down and sit staring out the window and into darkness.
Im not sure what caused me to think of that night, that wasn't even a rape. We willingly did that trying to get Hollywood Rose signed. That night wasn't even the first time we had done that. I'm thinking that the significance of the dream was something else. I think it was about reaching for Izzy and not being able to reach him. With all the shit that's gone down recently I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to reach him this time. But somehow, he brought himself back a bit.
I think what Duff told him about not really trusting him anymore, especially when he drank, really struck a nerve. I wish I could say that Duff had nothing to worry about, but not even I trust a drunken Izzy. Too much has happened to Izzy, six rapes, muggings, exploitation, unwanted sex, and addiction. Something had snapped a long time ago. I guess the time that biker beat us with a bat, then fucked us with it was when he really broke. See, I wasn't supposed to be there. I had followed him that night. Before that incident Izzy didn't carry a gun. I always worried about him at night selling drugs in the shadows to the shadiest characters in Hollywood. A lot of nights I secretly tailed him. I don't regret it, that night, but Izzy blamed himself for me being involved. That guy almost killed us both. Izzy got the worse of it. I was only semi conscious, slipping in and out while he hurt Izzy. Izzy's screams kept trying to bring me back. When I finally came to all the way I was at the receiving end of the bat. I remember looking over at Izzy. He was struggling to get up but kept falling back down on his stomach. When the guy was satisfied with what he had done to me he robbed Izzy and ran.
It took so long for us to crawl and roll to one another. When we finally made it our hands found each other we could only grasp one another's hands for a long time. It took us hours to get one another on our feet. Then an additional two hours to make it to a hospital. I was in light colored denim jeans, Izzy was in black. The blood on my pants was evident. But Izzy was worse. He left a trail of bloody footprints behind. Combined, we ended up with 16 stitches total. Nine for Izzy, and seven for me. We both had concussions and spent the night in the hospital.
Afterwards we both went home, got in bed, held one another, and stayed smacked out to try to deal with what had happened. After our stitches came out we were hesitant to have sex again. But when we did, it was fucking amazing. It seemed to solidify our love. We loved each other and nothing could ever break that. We have shared the highest of highs and the lowest of lows together. Everything. We have a bond that nothing can break. We have a connection that runs so much more deeply than the guys realize.
And I realize that they simply don't know. They only know what we have told them, which is very little. I head Slash and Duff say all the time that they are glad they aren't like us. You don't know how bad I want to tell them that they already are. Everything they went through together, the way they touch, their words, affections...none of it was any different than me and Izzy. And I know where their relationship is eventually going to end up. Duff was going to have one sober moment in which he realizes Slash is lost to heroin. And I know he will beg, plead, make threats, scream, yell, push and shove...but junkies only quit when they want to. And along the way they're going to fight, makeup, fuck one another over, lie, fight, makeup over and over again, just like me and Izzy.
And I know all about the conversation Izzy and Duff had. Duff has lost trust in Izzy I think. I did that many years ago. But I know Izzy. It's no grand shock to me that he lies to me, cheats on me, and talks shit about me. Like I said, I know Izzy. No one is solid gold or anywhere near perfect. But on the flip side, Izzy would die for me. He's always been there to pick me up when I fall down. He can get through to me when I'm being all crazy. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can make either of us ever not love to he other.
And let's not forget, I'm far from perfect too. I've cheated, and talked shit about Izzy too. But I've never fucking lied. Lies beget only more lies, and who the fuck can ever keep them all straight? Lies always surface. And I say this, as far as Izzy goes, I know that Izzy would never rape Slash. He cares too much about him. And don't think it pleases me to say that. I hate it. I m jealous. I have doubts. And...I know Izzy. But he would never physically hurt him. Izzy had already done enough damage to the kid. He gave him the smack habit.
But Duff telling Izzy that is what made him start pulling it the fuck together. Im glad someone got through to him. God knows I haven't been. But still I try. And slowly it's getting better with Izzy. He's still struggling, and he probably always would over this. Izzy thought of Nikki as a friend, a friend who helped us get to where we are. And Tommy was someone who he had had consenting sex with on a few occasions. And they did the most unspeakable thing to him. And we have no choice but to tour with them. I m scared as shit for Izzy. I'm scared for us all. We joke and call our tour to Seattle the hell tour, but I have a feeling it's gonna be touring with the Crue.
My thoughts are interrupted by a soft whisper in the dark. "Fireball... You have a nightmare?"
My Izzy. I smile, whether he sees it or Not. "No darlin, just couldn't sleep." And I'm not lying. I Izzy's still not up to dealing with my crazy dreams. In time. But not tonight.
"Want me to sit with you?" He softly asks.
"No," I shake my head, "I'll come lay with you."
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