Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
I’m so fucked up that I don’t know which way is up at the moment. Duff hates me and said he was afraid I’d hurt his precious little Curly Sue; he thinks I’m that fucked up. Shit, Slash might be the only person in the world that I wouldn’t hurt; not intentionally anyway. He’s something I look at as one of the most precious things in my life right now. But I’m already fucking with his head and I know it; I probably shouldn’t have gotten him to give me a hand job the other day, I know he feels guilty about betraying Duff my fooling around with me.
I can’t explain it but I crave him, he’s sweet and is always kind to me no matter what; he’s the only person in my life that I can think of that’s treated me with kindness no matter what I’ve done and how can I not be drawn to that? I love Axl but our relationship is so volatile.
After what happened with Tommy Axl’s been so sweet to me but I keep waiting for an explosion. After years of being with him I know that I’m walking on eggshells; at some point the sweetness will disappear and he’ll turn into a raging monster over God knows what, anything can set him off depending on his mood and it’s not like his moods are predictable or stable.
He’s also got this whole thing with Erin going on and I don’t know what the fuck to think about that. What should I think or feel? I mean fuck I can’t go an hour without thinking about Nikki and Tommy nearly killing me. I see them in my dreams, I see them in my imagination when I’m awake. I can practically feel Nikki’s finger on my cheek when I told him I was hurting and he was telling me that he knew it hurt but it would be over soon, I can feel Tommy’s gigantic dick ripping open my ass and my insides while he groaned and panted behind me, it’s no wonder I wake up screaming and stay fucked up all day long. I can’t get them out of my fucking head!
Seeing Erin’s fucking face doesn’t help any; she’s Nikki’s fucking whore! I sort of get Axl’s reasoning about keeping her around but to me it also sounds like a fucking excuse for him to have both of us. Part of me can’t believe that the first person I fucked after I got raped was that slut! Why did Axl have her there? Why couldn’t it have been just us? Fuck how could he not have known that I would be an emotional wreck that I only wanted him to see when I was finally ready for sex? I would have never gone for it if I hadn’t been so drunk. I know Axl’s tried to make up for it several times since then but I feel like it doesn’t really matter how I feel; Axl’s going to do what Axl wants to do.
When I couldn’t find my tour laminate this afternoon I nearly panicked; all I could think of was that Erin had given it to Nikki and that he or Tommy were just waiting to just jump out from behind every corner and grab me or even worse grab our little Curly Sue. We were nothing without that kids amazing playing and Motley knew it. They’d hurt him in a second to take us down a peg because we’re catching up to them and erroding their fan base. Nikki may have said he wanted to retire butthat was bullshit; that was just something he told Axl to make him let down his guard. I’m fucking tired but since I can’t take a nap in my own room I bang on Steven’s door. He opens it, grinning like an idiot as usual and says sure I can use the spare bed in his roo to take a load off.
Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow I’m dreaming.
It’s not a good dream though; it’s a mishmash of every sexual experience I’ve ever had! Axl is on the receiving end of the weapon between Tommy’s legs and he’s screaming and screaming! I’m flat on my back on a conference table while two guys in suits and a bouncer take turns running a train on me with very little lube. That Tom Zutaut guy that Duff put in the hospital has Steven draped over a couch and is having his way with him. Duff is being held down at the shoulders and getting skull fucked by the guys from Virgin, Nikki’s label while that sweaty truck driver I knocked out on our way to Seattle fucks him from behind but that’s not even the worst of it. The worst of it all though is Slash. Mine and Duff’s pretty baby is up on all fours on a table surrounded by enough mirrors that Duff and I can both see Nikki standing behind him fucking him with the small end of a baseball bat and exactly what it’s doing to him while he screams for someone to help him in between gut wrenching sobs and shrieks of sheer pain. His eyes dart between me and Duff and both of us fight to get to him but we can’t get away from our own tormentors and his beseeching eyes and reaching hands are a torment to us both. He holds his hands out towards Duff which breaks my heart because even though he looks to me for help he holds his hands towards Duff for rescue and I look over at Axl and amazingly his hand is reaching towards mine and our fingers are able to just grip at the tips Slash is screaming Duff’s name in-between incoherent cries of sheer pain.
Finally the men around Duff move to switch places and he gets away, battling his way through them and beating the shit out of them until he gets across the few yards separating them and Slash grips his waist and begs him to make it stop and Duff walks around and knocks Nikki out cold and the bloody bat falls to the floor. Duff catches Slash before he can collapse and scoops him up; the kid goes absolutely limp and silent and I have no idea if he’s dead or alive. Duff howls and then turns to me glaring and says “This is your fault; this is all your fault!!!”
I sit straight up in bed screaming and open my eyes to see all four of my bandmates surrounding me. Axl sits on the bed hurriedly and gathers me into his arms and Slash reaches out to comfort me in some way but I push his hand back and blurt out “No! Duff’s the only one who can help you, Duff’s the only one who can save you from yourself and anyone else; I can’t protect you, I can’t protect myself! He’s where you belong Slash.” Slash drops his hand and Duff puts his arms around him from behind pulling him back and squeezing him hard. I turn my face into Axl’s stomach and just sob while he grips me tightly and strokes my hair and tries to get me to tell him what I was dreaming but I can’t. The others quietly leave and I’m left with Axl and for the first time in a long time I feel safe. I feel wanted. I feel loved. I realize that his arms, no matter where we are, are home.
When I finally calm down I tell him “Axl, I had the worst dream, all five of us were getting raped by different people that have actually hurt us. You were getting reamed out by Tommy, Duff was getting a guy from Avi’s cock’s shoved down his throat with another from Virgin waiting on the sidelines and that truck driver I knocked out in Seattle was fucking him from behind and that Zutaut guy Duff had wailed on had Steven draped over a couch and was going at him like a jackrabbit. The worst though was Curly Sue. Nikki had him on some kind of raised platform in the dressing room with lights and mirrors and made sure that Duff and I could see him rip his ass apart with the back end of a baseball bat like you and I got that one night! Slash screamed and screamed and screamed and reached out for Duff and then me and I was reaching for you and I finally got your fingers and I knew we’d make it. When the guys around Duff moved to change positions Duff beat his way out and knocked Nikki out cold, threw that bat on the floor after very carefully extricating it from his boyfriend, and then picked hi up and held him like a baby and Slash went completely limp. Steven ran over to help and Slash woke up and looked to me but I told him he had all he needed right where “he was and so did I. Axl it was an awful dream!” I tell him in a shaky voice.
“Sounds like it Angel. I got some pot in my bag, want to go out on the balcony and smoke it? I’ll hold you in one of the lounge chairs, come on! So I settle back into my boyfriend, light up a joint and slowly feel the fear subside. Axl’s arms around me calm me, his soft whispers in my ears let me know he loves me, the fact that he’s here at all is amazing to me.
“Axl, I love you, I couldn’t ask for more than you; I’ve never woken up so afraid in my life. This time it wasn’t just me getting hurt it was everyone and I could protect any of them! It’s my job here Axl, my role, to be the protector and I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t help them! Ax I’m so afraid!” I babble..
“Shh sweet Angel, your down right now, everyone knows that and they don’t expect you to protect them right now. They know that right now you’re fighting to survive every day and that’s all you can do. I’m her for you, I’m here to protect you; bitch or no bitch. After you fell asleep the other night I told her to look at you, that you were my heart and always would be and that there was no way Nikki and his could get in between a love like ours because it ran stronger and deeper than he would ever know. It’s true Izzy, they tried so hard to break us; to break you, but you came back stronger than before. You are one tough as nails warrior and I love you and I always will. You’re my dark angel,"
“And you’re my fireball and I need you because sometimes I need that firepower to protect me and burn a barrier between me and the world.
“Always; and don’t worry about the others they he have each other. Especially Slash. Duff is there to protect and carry whatever load needs to be carried. That’s what love is Izzy, when the other person is so far down that they can’t carry themselves their lover is there to pick them up and carry them through the storm. That’s what I’m doing for you right now! That’s what Duff’s doing for Slash It what we all do for each other as a band, we hold each other up,
I’m so fucked up that I don’t know which way is up at the moment. Duff hates me and said he was afraid I’d hurt his precious little Curly Sue; he thinks I’m that fucked up. Shit, Slash might be the only person in the world that I wouldn’t hurt; not intentionally anyway. He’s something I look at as one of the most precious things in my life right now. But I’m already fucking with his head and I know it; I probably shouldn’t have gotten him to give me a hand job the other day, I know he feels guilty about betraying Duff my fooling around with me.
I can’t explain it but I crave him, he’s sweet and is always kind to me no matter what; he’s the only person in my life that I can think of that’s treated me with kindness no matter what I’ve done and how can I not be drawn to that? I love Axl but our relationship is so volatile.
After what happened with Tommy Axl’s been so sweet to me but I keep waiting for an explosion. After years of being with him I know that I’m walking on eggshells; at some point the sweetness will disappear and he’ll turn into a raging monster over God knows what, anything can set him off depending on his mood and it’s not like his moods are predictable or stable.
He’s also got this whole thing with Erin going on and I don’t know what the fuck to think about that. What should I think or feel? I mean fuck I can’t go an hour without thinking about Nikki and Tommy nearly killing me. I see them in my dreams, I see them in my imagination when I’m awake. I can practically feel Nikki’s finger on my cheek when I told him I was hurting and he was telling me that he knew it hurt but it would be over soon, I can feel Tommy’s gigantic dick ripping open my ass and my insides while he groaned and panted behind me, it’s no wonder I wake up screaming and stay fucked up all day long. I can’t get them out of my fucking head!
Seeing Erin’s fucking face doesn’t help any; she’s Nikki’s fucking whore! I sort of get Axl’s reasoning about keeping her around but to me it also sounds like a fucking excuse for him to have both of us. Part of me can’t believe that the first person I fucked after I got raped was that slut! Why did Axl have her there? Why couldn’t it have been just us? Fuck how could he not have known that I would be an emotional wreck that I only wanted him to see when I was finally ready for sex? I would have never gone for it if I hadn’t been so drunk. I know Axl’s tried to make up for it several times since then but I feel like it doesn’t really matter how I feel; Axl’s going to do what Axl wants to do.
When I couldn’t find my tour laminate this afternoon I nearly panicked; all I could think of was that Erin had given it to Nikki and that he or Tommy were just waiting to just jump out from behind every corner and grab me or even worse grab our little Curly Sue. We were nothing without that kids amazing playing and Motley knew it. They’d hurt him in a second to take us down a peg because we’re catching up to them and erroding their fan base. Nikki may have said he wanted to retire butthat was bullshit; that was just something he told Axl to make him let down his guard. I’m fucking tired but since I can’t take a nap in my own room I bang on Steven’s door. He opens it, grinning like an idiot as usual and says sure I can use the spare bed in his roo to take a load off.
Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow I’m dreaming.
It’s not a good dream though; it’s a mishmash of every sexual experience I’ve ever had! Axl is on the receiving end of the weapon between Tommy’s legs and he’s screaming and screaming! I’m flat on my back on a conference table while two guys in suits and a bouncer take turns running a train on me with very little lube. That Tom Zutaut guy that Duff put in the hospital has Steven draped over a couch and is having his way with him. Duff is being held down at the shoulders and getting skull fucked by the guys from Virgin, Nikki’s label while that sweaty truck driver I knocked out on our way to Seattle fucks him from behind but that’s not even the worst of it. The worst of it all though is Slash. Mine and Duff’s pretty baby is up on all fours on a table surrounded by enough mirrors that Duff and I can both see Nikki standing behind him fucking him with the small end of a baseball bat and exactly what it’s doing to him while he screams for someone to help him in between gut wrenching sobs and shrieks of sheer pain. His eyes dart between me and Duff and both of us fight to get to him but we can’t get away from our own tormentors and his beseeching eyes and reaching hands are a torment to us both. He holds his hands out towards Duff which breaks my heart because even though he looks to me for help he holds his hands towards Duff for rescue and I look over at Axl and amazingly his hand is reaching towards mine and our fingers are able to just grip at the tips Slash is screaming Duff’s name in-between incoherent cries of sheer pain.
Finally the men around Duff move to switch places and he gets away, battling his way through them and beating the shit out of them until he gets across the few yards separating them and Slash grips his waist and begs him to make it stop and Duff walks around and knocks Nikki out cold and the bloody bat falls to the floor. Duff catches Slash before he can collapse and scoops him up; the kid goes absolutely limp and silent and I have no idea if he’s dead or alive. Duff howls and then turns to me glaring and says “This is your fault; this is all your fault!!!”
I sit straight up in bed screaming and open my eyes to see all four of my bandmates surrounding me. Axl sits on the bed hurriedly and gathers me into his arms and Slash reaches out to comfort me in some way but I push his hand back and blurt out “No! Duff’s the only one who can help you, Duff’s the only one who can save you from yourself and anyone else; I can’t protect you, I can’t protect myself! He’s where you belong Slash.” Slash drops his hand and Duff puts his arms around him from behind pulling him back and squeezing him hard. I turn my face into Axl’s stomach and just sob while he grips me tightly and strokes my hair and tries to get me to tell him what I was dreaming but I can’t. The others quietly leave and I’m left with Axl and for the first time in a long time I feel safe. I feel wanted. I feel loved. I realize that his arms, no matter where we are, are home.
When I finally calm down I tell him “Axl, I had the worst dream, all five of us were getting raped by different people that have actually hurt us. You were getting reamed out by Tommy, Duff was getting a guy from Avi’s cock’s shoved down his throat with another from Virgin waiting on the sidelines and that truck driver I knocked out in Seattle was fucking him from behind and that Zutaut guy Duff had wailed on had Steven draped over a couch and was going at him like a jackrabbit. The worst though was Curly Sue. Nikki had him on some kind of raised platform in the dressing room with lights and mirrors and made sure that Duff and I could see him rip his ass apart with the back end of a baseball bat like you and I got that one night! Slash screamed and screamed and screamed and reached out for Duff and then me and I was reaching for you and I finally got your fingers and I knew we’d make it. When the guys around Duff moved to change positions Duff beat his way out and knocked Nikki out cold, threw that bat on the floor after very carefully extricating it from his boyfriend, and then picked hi up and held him like a baby and Slash went completely limp. Steven ran over to help and Slash woke up and looked to me but I told him he had all he needed right where “he was and so did I. Axl it was an awful dream!” I tell him in a shaky voice.
“Sounds like it Angel. I got some pot in my bag, want to go out on the balcony and smoke it? I’ll hold you in one of the lounge chairs, come on! So I settle back into my boyfriend, light up a joint and slowly feel the fear subside. Axl’s arms around me calm me, his soft whispers in my ears let me know he loves me, the fact that he’s here at all is amazing to me.
“Axl, I love you, I couldn’t ask for more than you; I’ve never woken up so afraid in my life. This time it wasn’t just me getting hurt it was everyone and I could protect any of them! It’s my job here Axl, my role, to be the protector and I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t help them! Ax I’m so afraid!” I babble..
“Shh sweet Angel, your down right now, everyone knows that and they don’t expect you to protect them right now. They know that right now you’re fighting to survive every day and that’s all you can do. I’m her for you, I’m here to protect you; bitch or no bitch. After you fell asleep the other night I told her to look at you, that you were my heart and always would be and that there was no way Nikki and his could get in between a love like ours because it ran stronger and deeper than he would ever know. It’s true Izzy, they tried so hard to break us; to break you, but you came back stronger than before. You are one tough as nails warrior and I love you and I always will. You’re my dark angel,"
“And you’re my fireball and I need you because sometimes I need that firepower to protect me and burn a barrier between me and the world.
“Always; and don’t worry about the others they he have each other. Especially Slash. Duff is there to protect and carry whatever load needs to be carried. That’s what love is Izzy, when the other person is so far down that they can’t carry themselves their lover is there to pick them up and carry them through the storm. That’s what I’m doing for you right now! That’s what Duff’s doing for Slash It what we all do for each other as a band, we hold each other up,
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