FicWad

Duff

After seeing Izzy freak out from a nightmare I almost forgot about all the shitty things he had done while he was drunk. He was always on my Curly Sue. Im a patient man, but my limits had really been tested by all the Izzy bullshit. Slash says he always pushed him away, but we all knew that was a fucking lie, at least we know once he didnt. Yeah, I get that Izzy, the gun toting detached junkie who never lets anyone in, had a weak spot for affection. Lets face it, sometimes Axl could be pretty unaffectionate. I get that Izzy gets off on how sweet Slash always is to him. In Slashs eyes Izzy is still a hero. But Slash hasnt been told about half a dozen times by Axl not to put much past Izzy. Slash doesn't know Izzy sold his mom's fucking life to be a dealer. Nor would Slash accept that Izzy is the reason he's a junkie too.

But the bullshit all came to a head one night. We had gone out, all of us, to some club. It was Izzy's idea , the night out, a nice club, upscale, full of nicely dressed , beautiful people, the lights and the music slightly off from what he would have chosen, and miles away from the dirty, smoke clogged dives we were all used to. But it was cool, the five of us. Steven had brought a nice enough girl along and was already missing, probably fucking her in one of the toilet stalls, I thought to myself and laughed.

"La, lalalala, lalalala, lala...” I was bobbing my head to the beat of Queen as I waited at the bar for the drinks. After so much hardship, so many heartbreaks, things were starting to look up for us. We were getting exposure from Aerosmith. Welcome to the jungle was being requested on MTV. So we decided to celebrate.

I had made my way back through the throng of sweaty bodies back to our table, passing Axl on the way to the the toilet, having to scream over the blaring music to be heard.

Our table was empty. I felt a knot in my stomach, but put it aside. That goddamned Queen song was playing with my mind. I put the drinks on the table, eyes scanning the crowd for Slash and Izzy. As I mixed myself again between the dancing people, I found them, in an almost deserted corner, dancing as well, but my smile faded as quickly as it started. It was replaced with a gaping mouth, buldging eyes, and a fire igniting my face. The knots in my stomach twist like a wet rag being wrung dry. My heart pounded even over the loud distinctive thump of " Another One Bites The Dust".

They were dancing, yes, but also grinding against one another. Their leather pants couldnt have glided across one another easily. However it didnt seem to be stopping them. Slash said he always pushed him away. Frozen in that momet I gazed upon them, and then they kissed. A long, messy, all mouth, all body, kiss. Slash lied to me. He said he always pushed him the fuck away. He didn't push him away!

And I just stood there, paralyzed, unable to go forward or to step back. I just stood there and watched. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. How the fuck could they do this to us? How could they even attempt to do this with such a risk of getting caught? They were there with us! As I stood I sort of lost perspective. It's like everyone else in the club was moving in fast forward. Izzy and Slash were in slow motion.

Axl touched my shoulder then. “Duff! Are you all right man? Where's Slash and Izzy gone to? Steven is..”

I cut Axl's words off with a violent shove backwards. He must not see this, I thought, he must not see this. Please tell me I'm so drunk that I'm only seeing shit. I begged for him to tell me that none of it was real. Does he see this shit at all?!

“Man! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Axl screamed at me, but his eyes were lost then, and I knew he had seen it, just as much as I had seen it. We just stood looking at each other, panting, hurt mirrored in each others eyes and I don't know why but I hugged him, suffocating Axls sobs with my own, pushing him back to the table, dancing with him, holding him tight. At that moment I finally got it. I knew what it was like for Axl to be with Izzy. I had my own knock off version of the motherfucker. Damn them!

“Shush, it's all right. They haven't seen us, it's all right.” and for the life of me I don't know why I'm justifying this. I should have let Axl go over and beat the fuck out of Izzy. I should have fucking grabbed Slash and put a stop to this. But all I can do is find solice with the only other person who could possibly understand. Axls sobs made him sound completely broken. He had been so fucking good to Izzy since we got him back from Sixx and Tommy. He catered to Izzy's every fucking need, and this his how he gets repaid? And do I deserve a lover who lies to my fucking face?

Axl nodded and let himself be guided to the table, drying his tears with his shirt sleeves. They didn't see us right? We could just pretend it never happened, yes that was it . It never happened. Axl smiled at me, then a sad sad smile. It never happened. But I could see the pain as well as feel it. "Duff...I'm so sorry..."

"Don't apologize for that piece of shit!" I snap.

Axl just looks down. He slides into the booth and I quickly followed suit. Then out of the blue he just starts to discuss the details of our pending tour with Motley Crue. What the fuck? Who cares about the fucking details? Our boyfriends are making out on the goddamn dance floor!!! But Axl persisted until he slowly gained my attention. I guess we both needed distraction.

When Slash and Izzy returned to the table, Axl and I were discussing tour details. They rolled their eyes and joined the banter, Axl telling them about Steven and his girl's noisy fuck in the toilet and when Axl asked where they were, they smiled and told us they were outside, smoking.

Slash smiled at me then, a sweet, loving, innocent smile. You could have fooled me, I thought. Now I know it's the smile of a fucking liar. He had nothing but secrets. How many times has this happened before? Had they indeed only slept together just once? How can I believe any answer he gives me. He has forever cemented doubt in my mind. Fucking doubt...fuck.

He had fooled me. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and shame on me.

I sat there and listened to Axl talk. The other two joined in when required. It was like nothing ever fucking happened. And I thought that was the end of it. I tried to push it from my mind because it didn't fucking happen. I slep next to Slash that night. I held him as i always do. But that perfectness was tainted, spoiled by what i knew. I didnt kbow what else to do. What the fuck could i say? I mean, i rather catch him again thsn confess to what i saw. I wondered if Axl felt this way too?

But Axl didn't work that way. He percolated on it all the way to the next day. Axl wanted Izzy to pay. Axls jealousy over Izzy knows no bounds. His love for him has no end, so when izzy hurts him punishment is emminent. So he came to me with a plan. And I have to give it to him, he knew just how to hit Izzy where it hurt. And I wanted Slash to know that I wasn't some pushover. I was sick of not trusting him around Izzy. The fucking shit had to stop.

The next day at rehearsal is when shit went down.

Izzy stumbled into the studio, doing the Brownstone swagger. He looked at the clock on the wall and was surprised to read it was well past eight o'clock, and sighed. Time always flew when you're having fun, and now Axl would be good and fucking pissed. But he probably just assumes what's new.

Slash had already slung his guitar around his neck and was catching the riff, and as West was playing rhythm , he thought to sit down and enjoy it from the grades for a change. The song came to an end and Steven took a gulp of water.

“Hey, Steven , man, are you drinking fucking water? At eight o'clock?” Izzy let out a chuckle.

“Hey man,"Stevens eyes fluttered down. Steven seemed uncomfortable and kept fidgeting with his drum sticks.

Izzy seemed to observe his awkward behavior. Nothing much was ever slid past Izzys attention. Though he may never utter a word. He watched as Axl, West and i bantered, and was getting his guitar tuned when Axl proposed a cover for our next show. Here we go. Time to watch them squirm.

“And that would be?” Izzy asked with a pick between his teeth. His body seemed to slightly tense.

“Ah, just a Queen song,” Axl shrugged indifferently.

“A Queen song?” Izzy said as a strange twist came to his face. He gave Slash a quick look, but Slash was busy pouring whiskey into Steven's water bottle, and Steven was on his turn, promptly guzzling it.

“Yeah. Give it Duff,” he uneasily said to me.

When my bass started pounding, Izzy recognized “Another One Bites The Dust”, and then Slash did too and looked a bit alarmed. Izzy made an almost imperceptible sign at him, a sign that said, “be cool, they dont know." Guilt didn't seem the word for the look on his face. But I knew. Axl knew.

West pounded into it , and Slash was relegated to watch, elbow propped on the amp. I could clearly see the fire in Axl's eyes and the way he sang at him. Axl turned to Slash then, and walking with a dangerous spring to his step, sang right in his face, “are you happy? are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat?”

Izzy saw Slash's face go green. It would have had him laughing in any other circumstances, but now Axl was coming for him. I could see Izzy hold his breath. It was as if he were preparing for a blow, or footing to turn and run, who knows with Izzy?

"There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him, you can CHEAT him
You can treat him bad and leave him while he's down."

Axl kicked Izzy's chair then, sending Izzy sprawling across the room, but never missed a beat, and managed to finish the song, sweat running down his face. Izzy seemed unphased really. He knew something was coming. Axl just stands over him panting and staring with a serial killers glare.

“Axl.” Izzy run his hand through his hair. “Axl, babe, what's wrong?”

Axl let out a maniac's laugh. He put the mike on it's stand, and when he turned, Izzy read the truth on his face, the truth he was so foolish trying to believe he didn't know. We both knew it. My face was set in stone, Steven had all but disappeared behind the drums, West had vanished from sight. Slash was looking around and trying to act stupid. He knows the fucking jig is up.

Axl pulled Izzy to his feet.

“Do you know what's wrong with me, Izzy? You. YOU are the wrong thing with me.” His voice was so dry and detached it sounded like it belonged to someone else.

“Axl, I..” Izzy could only shrug.

“Don't ever talk to me again, Izzy. Don't call me, don't address me, don't mention me,” Axl said in that same indifference as he sternly point a finger at him

Izzy became rooted on that spot. He looked briefly at Slash's face, and what a pitiful sight it was.

I come up behind Axl. “Come on Axe. Lets get the fuck outta here.” My voice was but a tender whisper, and Axl let himself be guided to the door, not before spitting at Izzy's feet.

“You are as good as dead to me, Isbell! As good...” His voice failed then, and I finally had him out of the door.

“Duff! Duff!” Slash was heaving on the floor, green bile spurting out of him, crawling on his own mess, face contorted.

Izzy looked down at him, “I'm sorry, Slash, I'm so..”

“Fuck you Izzy! I fucking hate you! Oh my God! What have we done?”

Izzy turned for the door then. He could hear Steven trying to get Slash on his feet, “come on buddy, lets get you cleaned up.”

I could still hear Slash's voice by the elevator.

“Duff! Duff! Come back baby! Duff! I love you! Duff!” Slash sounded like a fatally wounded animal."

And I left him there. Me and Axl just walked out and left them there. But so much of my faith and trust in Izzy is broken beyond repair. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past all the things he has done. He said I was one of his best friend's. He said Axl was all he loved. Izzy had a fucked up way of showing it.

Slash tracked me down later and begged and plead for forgiveness. I loved him too much not to listen. He told me the things Izzy said to him. How Slash ironically made Izzy feel safe and loved. But izzy knew Axl was the one for him, and Slash the one for me. Izzy struggled with what he felt for Slash. Slash admits to the same. I feel my heart thats already shattered dying slowly. The nerve endings go numb and I wonder if i can live through this. I felt betrayed even worse than i did when they slept together. Now I know my baby boy has feeling for Izzy. They may not have been what he felt for me, but in my eyes there shouldnt have been any questionable fucking feelings!

I didnt know if i could believe him. I knew I could love him. But how can i fucking forget? He promised that he and Izzy would never touch again. Again, do i believe this? Slash said he punched Izzy just to let him know that he meant business. The way Izzy shoved Slash away after the nightmare tonight must mean Izzy finally got the point. But my trust is still broken. I hope in time it heals. In the meantime, I have Vodka, that shit never disappointed me.