FicWad

Axl

I'm shocked at Duff. It's not like him to hurt Slash physically. That's what me and Izzy do, does it ever accomplish or mean anything? I get how he feels, but I also know what it does to both parties. I didn't want to have to watch them fall in mine and Izzy's footsteps. They were fucked up footprints to follow. No one should have to, and most aren't strong enough. Me and Izzy have already made these mistakes and you see where we are? I didn't want Duff to lose Slash. Know why? That just gives Izzy more opportunities. And let's not forget, I have Izzy's fucking number. Slash means something to Izzy. Though Izzy probably doesn't fully comprehend what. But I know even if he doesn't. He sees Slash as everything good in me that is now lost. Once upon a time we weren't so different. I used to be young, nasieve, in love, and on drugs too. I used to think Izzy was an Angel sent to watch out for me too. I used to be more clingy, less jaded. I had meek qualities at times, submissiveness. All of that is dead now. And everything happening with these two, in spite of my current involvement, I've seen it before. I already know the outcome. Is there any way I can stop it? Prevent it? Change its course maybe?

I grab Duff by his arm and start trying to drag his Ass away. "We have to talk," I hiss. He makes a few attempts to wrangle away, but ultimately goes with me. Let's face it, I couldn't stop him if he didn't let me. Luckily he's letting me. I reach for the door to close it.

"Don't you dare shut that fucking Door," Duff growls at me.

"I just want to talk..."

"And I'm not letting him out of my sight!" Duff yells. "You think I trust him alone with that motherfucker now?"

I sigh, point taken. I prip the door open with the trashcan and call over to Izzy across the hall to do the same. Again I sigh and run my hand over my face. "What the fuck are you thinking?" I ask Duff. "Why would you do that?"

"Are you really asking me that right now! You just beat the fuck out of Izzy yourself!" He shouts at me, arms flaying.

I close my eyes. Shit. I did lose it and do that, didn't I? "Duff...it's different with me and Izzy. Izzy's used to taking punches OK, Slash isn't. Izzy's the goddamn instigating party. The junkie who possesses half this band with his fucking evil poison. Izzy deserves it because Izzy's made these mistakes already. He didn't learn obviously, so I remind him in my own way. But it doesn't make it right Duff. In fact, it never makes a damn bit of difference. When shit turns physical like this, it just gets worse every time because it gets easier every time. Oh I did this to him the last time, well, I'll go a little further this time since the last time wasn't enough. And believe me, no one knows about losing it like I do. Most of the time I've already beaten him bloody before I even realize I've thrown the first punch. Something dark just comes over me and I cease thinking. I blackout with rage. And when I come to I'm usually staring at his blood and feeling like shit for doing it. Duff...Slash is a junkie, you know this, right?" He just shrugs, the subject matter not really sticking. He is so so coked out. "Duff...hitting a junkie just gives them fuel for their fires. You're giving Izzy an excuse to probably be shooting him up as we speak. They kill the pain. Wouldn't you say it's suffice to say that kicking his ass probably hurt him a little? Fuck, a lot, you're huge Duff. What do you think he's gonna do? Oh Izzy it hurts, help. That's what and you know it. How many times have you seen it?" I can see the cogs of recognition start to roll in his brain.

"Well you should have beat me to it then," Duff snaps. "Or keep your goddamn sneaky lying junkie under closer fucking watch!"

But I couldn't babysit Izzy anymore. No matter what I do or how hard I try, where there's a will, there's a way with Izzy. I've lost izzy. Lost him to record executives, crazy rock stars, junkie shadows of Sunset Boulevard, and to a curly haired guitarist. What I'm left with is a broken band of what used to be brothers. What im left with is a bunch of alcoholic junkies. What im left with is obligations to a record company, to fans. What I'm left with is a gold band on my finger that symbolizes all this.

"I can't keep him under lock and key man," I sigh, "I can't make Izzy do anything. Can't you see that. And you have no control over Slash either. You know what Duff, you have two choices, two roads to choose from."

"What do you mean?" He asks me.

I sigh. "I've been right where you are. I've stood right there and felt everything you do. And I made a choice and that choice led me to another and another and another, and now here i stand, right in the middle of this shit with all of you. But I'm above you looking down. I have an enlightened path compared to you. Izzy and me have been doing this song and dance 12 fucking years. I know exactly where you and Slash are. I know exactly what will happen if you choose road A. I know the outcome of road B too."

"What the fuck is road A and B?" He irritatedly yells at me.

"Road A is the road where you throw your fucking hand up and say, you know what Slash, you want Izzy, fucking have him. Let them have each other and fuck it all up and come crying. Let them think whatever little fucking fantasies they have worked out in their heads about each other. Basically, fuck him. Fuck them both. Live goes on and all that shit."

"And road B?" His tone has softened.

"Road B is longer and harder. On road B you forgive Slash. You try to get the fuck over what he did and move on. You forgive him and you keep forgiving, excusing, ignoring... And in the end it leads you right to where I'm standing now. In my shoes. It's hard work loving a junkie Duff, something that's rarely rewarding. A lot of sleepless nights, constant worries, and hearing lies. I don't recommend following in my shoes Duff...you see that in the end I couldn't do it anymore. You and Slash will be no different than the shit you've seen me and Izzy going through. But it's your choice alone. So which road is it gonna be?"

Duff runs his hand over his face "Fuck Axe...I really love the son of a bitch."

My eyes fall to the floor, my head drops in defeat and I nod. I knew he would choose Slash, just like I had always chosen Izzy. And I know his road will be long and full of personal miseries, similar to my own. I knew it would hurt every fucking day. I knew the pain Slash would inevitably bring him. And I fucking hated it for him, I did. "Are you absolutely sure Duff?" I ask softly. "I mean, you get what it is you're choosing, right?"

"I love him...I don't care how much it hurts to, I love hin.," his voice sounds so desperate.

I know his love is too strong to listen to what I'm trying to warn him about. But since it's Slash he's choosing... Well, all I can do is try to get him through this situation. "If you're choosing to put up with Slash... Duff, you can't hit him.Be better than me with anger. Hitting Izzy has never done anything but make him think I don't care. It hurts him so much more than he would ever tell. It's a deep sort of betrayal Duff. Do you understand? Anytime a lover strikes another, it kills trust. If there's no trust left, you know, what then? Well then it starts to attack their respect for you. Then it just ends up being nothing but contempt between you, maybe tolerance and indifference if you're lucky. Slowly, with every puch you throw at him, you'll watch something just get lost, and you can't get it back. Don't hit him. If you love him...just don't. I wish that was something I could take back with Izzy, but I can't, not ever." I look up at Duff. His face has softened completely. Maybe, just maybe, he's hearing me. "You busted his ribs Duff...you could have drove his rib straight through his lung and killed him. He could have died before help got here...How could you live with that? You've seen death...its absolute, it final..."

Tears start to cascade down his face. "I wanted to hurt him. I...I wanted him to hurt where I did...and..." He busts loose sobbing, " but I didn't... Oh god what have I done Axe?"

He's pleading with me for answers, but there just aren't any to give him. I take a step closer to him and wrasp my arms around him. "It's OK, it's gonna be fine." I can feel his hands desperately grasp my shirt and he just breaks down crying even more. I know the guilt that is sweeping him. I know the pain he's in. We share it like fucking socks. And there's no taking something like this back once it happens. Tears come to my own giddamn eyes when I think of all the times Izzy and I had hit one another. But I didn't take that first punch, not the first one. And I remember how Izzy felt bad the second his fist made contact with my face. I've never seen him apologize so fast. I honestly thought it would never be like that again. You know, a one time mistake, but that wasn't the case. There was more. I hit him too. And it just kept happening. And it got easier and easier to do it, to not give it a second thought. I mean it's not like we just sat around beating each other every day, but the shit had happened, and there's no coming back from it. I know it will be no different with Slash and Duff.

"Do you think he'll forgive me!" Duff gasps.

"Eventually, yeah, you just have to keep telling him how sorry you are." And I knew he was. God how well I fucking knew. I still feel that guilt if I try, but it's too late for me and Izzy. Too many things have happened. Too much has changed. Too much has been lost. Too much pain. Too many years. Too many tears. And there is no going back. Not ever.

But I knew Slash would forgive him. If he's anything like Izzy he'll run away a few days and lick his wounds while he lets Duff sweat it. But inevitably, he would forgive him. I already know how it will hurt Duff to see the bruises he put on Slash. I had watched so many bruises receed from Izzy. Bruises I had given him in some heated moment I couldn't take back. You have to love hindsight.