FicWad

Izzy

The elevator doors have just opened and I’m getting ready to step into it when I hear someone hiss my name down the hall. I look up and Slash is inching his way down the hall towards me leaning heavily on the wall; white-faced and sweating despite or maybe because of the smack flowing through his system. I turn and hurry over to him and put my arms around his waist and hold him up.

“What are you doing kid? You need to stay in bed! You’re gonna make that rib move and then you’re gonna be fucked because then you’re going to be in even more pain! I’ve been on the receiving end of your boyfriend’s boots before including earlier tonight and I know how it feels! Axl had to reset the last rib he broke as best as he could and there’s still a lump there, the ends of the bone never realigned correctly. Come on, I’m taking you to your own room,” I tell him, trying to figure out how to best move him and not hurt him.

I have to settle for just slinging his arm over my shoulder and helping him move down the hall. He doesn’t fight; he just lets me lead him to his own hotel room door. I fish the key out of his jeans and open the door and walk him over to the bed and pull the covers down. I ease his body into a sitting position and make a bigger nest of pillows than there already is and lean him back on the bed so he’s halfway sitting up; it’ll make it way easier if he has to get up and go to the bathroom. I ease his jeans off and lay him back onto the pillows. “Ok?” I ask him.

“Yeah,” he winces. “Stay with me Izzy? I don’t want to be by myself.”

He’s giving me those pleading puppy-dog eyes, I wonder if he knows he does it or it’s just one of his natural facial expressions? Either way it’s damn cute and hard to resist. “Ok, I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep but Duff can’t find me here in the morning; I can’t take any more beatings for a few days!” I halfway joke.

“When did he hit you?” Slash questions.

“He and Axl got me earlier in the elevator,” I tell him. “I tried to get them to shoot me but they wouldn’t.”

“What? Izzy why in the hell would you do something like that?” Slash asks, obviously alarmed.

I sigh. What am I going to tell him? Part of it is that I’m falling in love with him and that I can’t have him; the rest is just all of the shit I’ve been through in the past six months. I will never in my life forget the absolute horror of what Tommy and Nikki did to me. Sometimes I still wake up in the night drenched in a cold sweat feeling that searing pain in my gut and my ass; terrified that I’m still tied to that bed in Nikki’s dealer’s house. If Axl’s there I’ll wake him up and he’ll hold me and let me cry it out but lately he hadn’t been there; he’d been in that bitch Erin’s bed. It wasn’t bad enough that the first time after Tommy fucked me up that she’d been in our bed too but he knew how I felt about it and how I felt about him being with her and he was fucking her more than he was fucking me! Didn’t he know how much I needed him? I know I haven’t been the easiest person to love lately but our relationship had always been volatile; how was it any different than it had always been now? Did he love that cunt? Why can’t he love me? I look down at Slash; he’d never treat me the way Axl does. He’d love me; shit, he said he does love me but I know it doesn’t hold a candle to what he feels for Duff.

Duff’s given me the perfect opportunity though; him hitting Slash was devastating for Slash but it might just give me the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. If Axl doesn’t love me and Duff’s going to abuse Slash and cheat on him when he knew how bad it hurt to be cheated on then the only reason to hesitate is because I don’t want to hurt Slash by damaging his relationship with Duff any further if Slash still wants to be with him. I refuse to do anything to hurt this kid; especially right now. He’s been hurt enough tonight and it’s my fucking fault. I didn’t beat him but I was the one who made Duff angry; Slash didn’t even know who I was when he was kissing me. But it’s Duff’s own damn fault that Slash’s heart was breaking because he’d seen him fucking Mandy. That was why he’d gotten totally obliterated last night.

“Because Axl doesn’t want me anymore; he’s in Erin’s bed more often than not and he knows it hurts me. Because I can’t forget what Tommy and Nikki did to me no matter how drunk or high I am; I can’t even use sleep to forget because I just dream about it. I’m fucking terrified of going on tour with them; what if they come after me again? What if they come after Axl? What if they come after you?” The poor kid visibly pales. “Don’t worry Slash, they won’t get to you; I plan to keep them or you in my line of sight at all times and when I can’t one of the others will. Also that’s why we have bodyguards now. None of them will hurt you; not if anyone in this band can help it. Don’t worry ok? Anyway, Axl wouldn’t shoot me so I tried to press his finger down on the trigger, almost got it to work too but Duff and Axl got the gun away. Then Axl told me that we’re done, that he can’t handle my shit anymore and he doesn’t want me,” I tell Slash and to my own surprise I let out a sob.

“Izzy, shh, don’t cry,” Slash pleads and pulls me down so that I’m laying beside him with my head on his chest. The fact that he’s sweet enough to be comforting me like this when I’d made his boyfriend angry enough to beat him up earlier and that he’s holding me this way on the side where his rib is broken so it has to be hurting and that he’s doing it without a second thought makes me cry harder. I don’t deserve his kindness towards me; I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness right now and I know it. It’s not self-pity speaking either; I just know that I caused everybody a lot of pain with what I did last night. Besides what was happening with Erin Axl had been pretty good to me since what happened with Tommy; up until Erin reappeared on the scene he’d been really, really, good to me. But Axl and I always manage to ruin each other’s happiness in some way or other. I cry for about 15 minutes before I manage to pull it together and Slash rubs my back and strokes my hair and tells me that it’s going to be ok the whole time.

“Slash why does it always come back around to this shit with me and Axl? We were like this not two weeks after you and I met and he beat me then too! In fact he knocked me out the night before he brought me over and dumped me on your doorstep and I hadn’t even done anything that time! That was all just his crazy paranoia! Self -fulfilling prophecy I guess though; I did end up sleeping with you although funny thing, he did it first,” I blurt out.

“Yeah but Izzy, that, it wasn’t like he slept with me because he wanted me; he slept with me because of that guy from Virgin. I didn’t want to either, neither of us did it to hurt you! He said you’d understand! I’m sorry it did end up hurting you though,” he says quietly.

“The fact that he slept with you wasn’t really what hurt so much; we’d both done things like that for the band before. What hurt was that he knew that neither Duff or I wanted anyone anywhere near you, we’d told him that so he did the one thing I hadn’t thought of and fucked you himself. He didn’t disobey us exactly but he still took your innocence so to speak which is what he knew we didn’t want and he did it anyway. He also knew it would throw you for an emotional loop right on top of what had just happened to Duff. He let that shit happen to Duff as revenge on you because you and I tag teamed that girl in front of him. He fucked you both over and with Duff I should have stopped it but we both kind of figured he could take care of himself and if I had gone with him that would have left you alone with Axl and he’d already tried to sell you the week before! All because he can’t stand the idea that my eyes might have strayed and at that point just my eyes; I would never have done anything to take away how happy you and Duff were and he knew it! That night that I first kissed you in the alley I just did the first thing that popped into my head that might calm you down because it’s what I would do to Axl sometimes to comfort him; it’s the only way to get him to stop talking long enough to breathe and relax and realize I’m there although I haven’t had to do it in a long time. But he has these really bad nightmares, not much anymore but he’ll wake up screaming and you can’t touch him right way or he’ll punch the fuck out of you because he’s still seeing his stepdad in his head. You have to just sit and talk to him quietly for a few minutes but then he cries and I hold him the same way I hold you when you cry and he’ll tell me what he was dreaming about but he makes himself even more hysterical by thinking more and more about his past and then he starts talking really fast and the only way I ever found to stop him and break his chain of thought and calm him down was just to kiss him like that when he wasn’t expecting it. He used to just melt right into me after a minute or so; but he hasn’t for a long time.”

“Izzy can I ask you a question? How did all the violence start between the two of you?” the kid almost whispers.

I wince at the memory but I sit up and look down at him and answer him anyway. “It was me. He was riding me one night about smack because someone we both knew had died and I know he was scared but I was so fucking sick of it; you know how he goes on and on about things sometimes but he was really angry that night and he was up in my face screaming so loud that his face was red and he called me a junkie piece of shit, it was the first time he’d ever said it and he hadn’t been off of heroin very long himself at that point and I punched him. I didn’t even know I was going to do it but all of a sudden my fist was in his face. I was just as surprised as he was and I felt awful about it but then I did it again and the next time he hit me and it just got to be more and more frequent. A lot of times he blacks out when he gets really angry too so I’m never sure how much he’s conscious of. You can see him snap out of it too and then he apologizes and I think most of the time he’s sorry but not all of the time.”

“Do you think Duff’s really sorry? Do you think he’ll just keep hitting me?” Slash asks anxiously. “I know I already asked you that; I’m sorry.” His eyes dart away from mine and train themselves on the blanket.

He’s already got that furtive, ashamed, submissive breaking eye contact thing going. Axl did that the first few times I hit him too. Hitting your partner brings about it’s own unique brand of shame for both parties involved. I know exactly what he and Duff are both feeling. Slash is feeling like he did something to deserve it, he’s humiliated, totally emasculated. Duff’s most likely horrified with himself; domestic violence isn’t a socially acceptable thing, it’s not even a personally acceptable thing, especially when you love the person the way I know Duff loves Slash. Not that the way Duff feels is going to stop me from trying to take away his lover now. If this is how he’s going to treat him then fuck it. I know I’m in love with this kid; I’ve been falling for a long time. I love Axl too and it’s confusing but if Axl doesn’t want me then I’m not fighting it anymore.

“Hey, look at me Pretty Baby, you don’t have anything to be ashamed of even though I know it feels like somebody chopped your balls off and made you less of a man that’s not true ok? I think Duff’s pretty ashamed of himself and I don’t know if he’ll hit you again but I do know that it gets easier every time after the first time. Only time will answer that question,” I respond.

“Izzy did you mean it when you said you loved me earlier? Well, I know you meant it but what exactly did you mean?” he asks in a rush, like he’s afraid he’ll lose his nerve.

“I meant exactly what I said; I’ve been falling for you since the first time I kissed you. I just wasn’t ready to tell you until tonight; it wasn’t the right time for either of us until now. What did you mean?” I question him sending up a silent prayer that he feels the same way even though I know in reality he’s confused as hell.

“I meant the same thing; I have a lot of feelings for you Izzy; you’re always there for me. You’ve never let anything bad happen to me if you could help it or it was your place to stop it. You’ve never just rolled over and let shit hurt me; you at least asked what I thought or wanted before you did or didn’t do anything. Duff just agreed to marry Mandy without even asking how I felt about it! Nothing’s ever hurt that bad until I saw him fucking her after he made love to me and promised me he wouldn’t, he promised Izzy! He promised me so many times! Then what happened tonight hurt just as bad and was just as embarrassing. I don’t know what to feel for him right now Izz. I wanted him to keep me safe Izzy but he hasn’t very often. I know he loves me but he always gives in and now he’s started intentionally doing stuff to hurt me and lying to me! I know I’ve done things with you and not told him but I guess I always thought he was more honest than me; he was perfect in that way to me. I never thought he would hit me again either; I don’t even remember last night!”

Tears are streaming down his face and when he looks me right in the eyes his pain breaks my heart. I want to hold him and cradle him against my chest the way I always do when he comes to me and cries but he’s hurting and I don’t want to move him. All I can do is stroke his hair and face and hold his hand. “I’m sorry kid, I wish I could make you stop hurting,” I tell him quietly. He nuzzles his face into my hand but he keeps crying. “I love you if it helps,” I whisper. It must help because he reaches up and pulls me down by my shoulders and kisses me. It’s one of the softest, sweetest, most heartfelt kisses I’ve been given in a very long time. I pull back a little and look down into his sweet brown eyes and they’re full of this tender vulnerability that fills up my heart and makes it ache at the same
time.

“Please don’t stop Izzy. I know both of our mouths area little busted up but please kiss
me,” he pleads.

“Are you sure that’s what you want? I don’t want to push anything on you when you’re so down.

“Izzy I’m sure, please baby?”

Hearing him call me baby surprises me but I love it and I feel a smile spread across my face and I lean back down and touch my lips to his. His hands move up into my hair and his tongue nudges my bottom lip. I open my mouth for him and his tongue gently explores the inside of my mouth. He lets me do the same thing but he’s in charge of this kiss and I love that because it means that he actually cares and is comfortable and I don’t feel like I’m pushing anything on him. It’s not sexual either; his hands never wander past my chest and I have one arm on either side of him so I can’t really touch back. His thumbs sometimes stroke my cheeks or the side of my neck, he twirls my hair around his index finger and every now and then one of us pulls back and smiles a happy little smile at the other. I’m so happy right now and my heart is fuller than it’s been in a very long time. We’re both quiet, lost in this sweet exploration of feelings and each other’s mouths.

Every now and then one of us will let out a happy sigh and if I run my tongue along the middle of the roof of his mouth he practically purrs and his hands clench in my hair. He’s not kissing me hard, we’d both start bleeding if we kissed each other very hard and I don’t want it hard anyway; I want it just like this because it’s absolutely wonderful.

I pull back at one point to look into those beautiful eyes and I can tell he’s getting sleepy. He’s had a lot of smack so I’m not surprised. “You’re tired Pretty Baby and it’s late; you should sleep.”

“I don’t really want to let your lips stop touching mine handsome,” he whispers.

“Me either but you need to rest, your body’s been through a lot tonight.” He nods, his eyes starting to drift shut already but he forces them open again. “I’m gonna go out and score for us, we need some more dope and you’re really gonna need it when you feel that rib and that bruise across your stomach tomorrow and I don’t want you hurting any more than you have to ok?”

“Izzy it’s late and you don’t know people here, you could get hurt!” he protests.

“I’ll be fine. You go to sleep and I’ll be here in the morning, just call my room,” I tell him, smiling a little at the sleepy look on his pretty face.

“Fine, just be careful; make sure you have your gun,” he insists.

“I’ve got it. You sleep pretty baby. I love you, I’ll be back when you wake up in the morning,” I say quietly.

“I love you too Izzy. I’m a little confused but I love you back,” he whispers and cups my face and strokes my cheek with his thumb.

I smile at him and lean down to feed him a few more kisses before I leave and my heart swells a little more. I pull away and turn the lamp off so he can sleep without it in his face and then hold both of his hands in mine. “Good night beautiful,” I whisper.

“Night Izzy, he mumbles and is sleeping within seconds. I watch him sleep for a few minutes and think about how badly I want to be with him, how much I want him to love me back. When his breathing has been deep and even for a few minutes and I know I won’t wake him I gently place his hands on his belly and stand up and leave the room. I’m going to have to do a couple doors down and tell that blonde mother fucker who claims to love him a thing or two. No one as sweet, and beautiful and uncontrived as Slash should have to feel as much pain as he’s had to over the last three days.