Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Slash
I wake up to somebody sitting next to me holding my hand and twirling one of my curls around their finger. I think that Izzy must be back but when I open my eyes I can make out Duff’s shadow in the little bit of light that’s filtering through the curtains. “Duff…” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he answers quietly. I can tell that he’s crying from how hoarse his voice is; he probably has been for a while from the way he sounds. “Baby Boy are you ok?” he asks me.
“No, not really,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t know what to say or to think; I don’t even know who you are right now. Three days ago you carried me to the bathroom and promised me that you loved me too much to lay a finger on that cunt you’re married to and then I catch you with your dick buried in her! I tell you that I don’t remember what happened with Izzy last night and you fucking punch me and break my rib! You’ve never intentionally lied to me and the only time you ever hit me was when I told you I wanted to die in that alley after I told you I slept with Izzy. Fuck Duff; you know how drunk I was last night why in the world do you think I’d remember anything?
“Yeah, I know exactly how wasted you were because you wet the fucking bed again!” he bitches. “If you can’t remember shit and you’re pissing the bed half the time maybe you should cut back.”
I almost do a double take; he’s fucking wasted and sitting here telling me to cut back? “Are you fucking with me? That bottle of vodka you’re holding never leaves your hand! Or did you forget that you drink like a fish just like you forgot that you loved me too much to sleep with that whore Mandy? I’m just sorry I was dumb enough to believe you when you told me that. How could you? You said you hated her! You could have at least told me you might fuck her instead of playing up the I hate my wife and I only love you shit, woulda hurt a lot less. As for pissing the bed if I’m drunk enough to do that do I ever remember shit from the night before? At least I don’t puke my guts up on the carpet.”
He bows his head and runs his hand over his face. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have done any of it,” he almost whispers.
“No you shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t have hit me, you shouldn’t have done a lot of things,” I say evenly and light a cigarette. “You shouldn’t have married the bitch for one.” Duff just kind of looks at me with this mixture of shock and hurt but whatever; it hurts and I’m not hiding the reasons for it. I’m not gonna tell him everything is ok and I forgive him because I fucking don’t and it’s not ok. I’m just as tired of his shit as he is of mine; I’m not crawling back this time and if he thinks I am he’s fucking losing it. He has some serious apologizing to do himself this time. “What happened to your face?”
“Izzy happened to my face; did it really take you that long to notice?” he asks me with a slightly disbelieving look on his face.
“No, just took me that long to ask,” I reply. “Look, what do you want me to tell you because I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine; it’s not even close to fine,” I sigh, blowing smoke out of my lungs. Why the fuck did Izzy bust up your face?”
“Why the fuck do you think? He came into my room like some pissed off hornet; he was like Axl at his worst. He told me that I’d ended things with you by sleeping with Mandy and what happened with you tonight; that I’d opened up the door for him to walk right through and steal you. Is he right?” Duff asks pitifully.
I look over at the man I’ve loved for the past two years and my heart fucking throbs but I’m not giving in to this shit. He’s given in to so much crap that’s hurt me over the years and he always says he’s done it for me and maybe he has but it’s not the way I’ve wanted him to protect me. I’ve wanted him to stand up and be a man and sometimes he has but most of the time he’s just done whatever’s been asked of him. I fucking love him so much but I’m not doing this anymore. I need some time away; maybe he’ll figure out how to man up if we’re apart for awhile but somehow I’m betting he just falls deeper into the bottle in his hand. I know all of our habits are killing us but I don’t know how to stop, it hurts too much otherwise. My nerves feel like they’re on fire otherwise and so does my heart. I can love Duff through the smack but I can’t deal with the pain that comes with it sometimes. It’s not that I don’t know that I’ve done shit that’s hurt him but this thing with Izzy, it wasn’t on purpose. He’s been there when Duff hasn’t and that’s just how it is. “I’m sorry he did that Duff. I don’t know if he’s right or not; all I know is that he cares about me and he sure as fuck hasn’t beat the crap out of me.”
“He says that he loves you, that he has for a long time and that you love him back. Is that true?” Duff questions. The look on his face says he knows the answer to that question but is hoping that I’ll say otherwise.
“I don’t know, it’s complicated. But what I do know is that I can’t be with you right now; I don’t trust you. You don’t trust me either; we need some time apart. I know it’s not really what you want but Duff I’m laying here with a broken rib where you kicked me! I can’t just forget that it happened it literally fucking hurts! The smack isn’t even killing it off. I don’t want you to touch me now or for a long time; Izzy at least cleaned me up and made me comfortable. You and Axl busted him up earlier too! What
the fuck’s happened to you?” I snarl.
“I, I can’t even get into what happened with Izzy earlier. I don’t know what’s happened to him either. He went totally fucking psycho in the elevator when Axl and I confronted him. He tried to make Axl shoot him and we had to take that damn gun away from him; it’s better that way anyway he’s gonna hurt somebody or himself with it,” Duff says.
“Where’s the gun right now?” I ask.
“Axl has it. He’s not getting it back,” Duff tells me firmly.
“Duff you idiot he’s out trying to score right now! You two know he does that shit! He’s probably walking around some ghetto assed neighborhood right now and he could get jumped and then what? He gets beaten or robbed or raped again? If he’s not back by morning I swear to god I’ll kill both of you!” I yell at him and then wince because it makes a sharp pain shoot through my ribs. Duff moves to lift my shirt so that he can see the bruises to assess to damage I guess but I smack his hand away and do it myself. “What you want to see what you did?”
He stares at my blacked stomach and ribs with eyes full of pain and regret but it doesn’t matter; it’s too late for that shit now. “You do love him don’t you,” he says softly.
"I’m not getting into this with you; just leave me alone. I’m too pissed to talk to you right now and for the love of god don’t touch me. Just go Duff, this isn’t going anywhere. I can’t be with you right now and honestly I don’t think you can be with me either ok? Just give it some time and space,” I say regretfully but I can’t tell him anything else. As much as I love him the thought of his arms around me right now makes me cringe; all I can see is that merciless look on his face when his foot was colliding with my stomach. “I love you but I can’t be with you right now. I loved you more than anything three days ago and I couldn’t imagine my life without you but I can’t be around you right now. Too much shit’s happened since then.”
He nods at me and more tears run down his face. I can’t look at him without crying too but it is what it is. “Well, nothing’s changed for me; so if you change your mind I’ll be around ok? I love you Baby Boy and nothing’s going to change that, even the shit with Izzy doesn’t change that; it just hurts.” Something in me can’t take the look on his face and I reach out and squeeze his hand. He squeezes back and then stands up and walks out the door and I burst into tears. I love him too but I have no idea what to do about it.
I wake up to somebody sitting next to me holding my hand and twirling one of my curls around their finger. I think that Izzy must be back but when I open my eyes I can make out Duff’s shadow in the little bit of light that’s filtering through the curtains. “Duff…” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he answers quietly. I can tell that he’s crying from how hoarse his voice is; he probably has been for a while from the way he sounds. “Baby Boy are you ok?” he asks me.
“No, not really,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t know what to say or to think; I don’t even know who you are right now. Three days ago you carried me to the bathroom and promised me that you loved me too much to lay a finger on that cunt you’re married to and then I catch you with your dick buried in her! I tell you that I don’t remember what happened with Izzy last night and you fucking punch me and break my rib! You’ve never intentionally lied to me and the only time you ever hit me was when I told you I wanted to die in that alley after I told you I slept with Izzy. Fuck Duff; you know how drunk I was last night why in the world do you think I’d remember anything?
“Yeah, I know exactly how wasted you were because you wet the fucking bed again!” he bitches. “If you can’t remember shit and you’re pissing the bed half the time maybe you should cut back.”
I almost do a double take; he’s fucking wasted and sitting here telling me to cut back? “Are you fucking with me? That bottle of vodka you’re holding never leaves your hand! Or did you forget that you drink like a fish just like you forgot that you loved me too much to sleep with that whore Mandy? I’m just sorry I was dumb enough to believe you when you told me that. How could you? You said you hated her! You could have at least told me you might fuck her instead of playing up the I hate my wife and I only love you shit, woulda hurt a lot less. As for pissing the bed if I’m drunk enough to do that do I ever remember shit from the night before? At least I don’t puke my guts up on the carpet.”
He bows his head and runs his hand over his face. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have done any of it,” he almost whispers.
“No you shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t have hit me, you shouldn’t have done a lot of things,” I say evenly and light a cigarette. “You shouldn’t have married the bitch for one.” Duff just kind of looks at me with this mixture of shock and hurt but whatever; it hurts and I’m not hiding the reasons for it. I’m not gonna tell him everything is ok and I forgive him because I fucking don’t and it’s not ok. I’m just as tired of his shit as he is of mine; I’m not crawling back this time and if he thinks I am he’s fucking losing it. He has some serious apologizing to do himself this time. “What happened to your face?”
“Izzy happened to my face; did it really take you that long to notice?” he asks me with a slightly disbelieving look on his face.
“No, just took me that long to ask,” I reply. “Look, what do you want me to tell you because I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine; it’s not even close to fine,” I sigh, blowing smoke out of my lungs. Why the fuck did Izzy bust up your face?”
“Why the fuck do you think? He came into my room like some pissed off hornet; he was like Axl at his worst. He told me that I’d ended things with you by sleeping with Mandy and what happened with you tonight; that I’d opened up the door for him to walk right through and steal you. Is he right?” Duff asks pitifully.
I look over at the man I’ve loved for the past two years and my heart fucking throbs but I’m not giving in to this shit. He’s given in to so much crap that’s hurt me over the years and he always says he’s done it for me and maybe he has but it’s not the way I’ve wanted him to protect me. I’ve wanted him to stand up and be a man and sometimes he has but most of the time he’s just done whatever’s been asked of him. I fucking love him so much but I’m not doing this anymore. I need some time away; maybe he’ll figure out how to man up if we’re apart for awhile but somehow I’m betting he just falls deeper into the bottle in his hand. I know all of our habits are killing us but I don’t know how to stop, it hurts too much otherwise. My nerves feel like they’re on fire otherwise and so does my heart. I can love Duff through the smack but I can’t deal with the pain that comes with it sometimes. It’s not that I don’t know that I’ve done shit that’s hurt him but this thing with Izzy, it wasn’t on purpose. He’s been there when Duff hasn’t and that’s just how it is. “I’m sorry he did that Duff. I don’t know if he’s right or not; all I know is that he cares about me and he sure as fuck hasn’t beat the crap out of me.”
“He says that he loves you, that he has for a long time and that you love him back. Is that true?” Duff questions. The look on his face says he knows the answer to that question but is hoping that I’ll say otherwise.
“I don’t know, it’s complicated. But what I do know is that I can’t be with you right now; I don’t trust you. You don’t trust me either; we need some time apart. I know it’s not really what you want but Duff I’m laying here with a broken rib where you kicked me! I can’t just forget that it happened it literally fucking hurts! The smack isn’t even killing it off. I don’t want you to touch me now or for a long time; Izzy at least cleaned me up and made me comfortable. You and Axl busted him up earlier too! What
the fuck’s happened to you?” I snarl.
“I, I can’t even get into what happened with Izzy earlier. I don’t know what’s happened to him either. He went totally fucking psycho in the elevator when Axl and I confronted him. He tried to make Axl shoot him and we had to take that damn gun away from him; it’s better that way anyway he’s gonna hurt somebody or himself with it,” Duff says.
“Where’s the gun right now?” I ask.
“Axl has it. He’s not getting it back,” Duff tells me firmly.
“Duff you idiot he’s out trying to score right now! You two know he does that shit! He’s probably walking around some ghetto assed neighborhood right now and he could get jumped and then what? He gets beaten or robbed or raped again? If he’s not back by morning I swear to god I’ll kill both of you!” I yell at him and then wince because it makes a sharp pain shoot through my ribs. Duff moves to lift my shirt so that he can see the bruises to assess to damage I guess but I smack his hand away and do it myself. “What you want to see what you did?”
He stares at my blacked stomach and ribs with eyes full of pain and regret but it doesn’t matter; it’s too late for that shit now. “You do love him don’t you,” he says softly.
"I’m not getting into this with you; just leave me alone. I’m too pissed to talk to you right now and for the love of god don’t touch me. Just go Duff, this isn’t going anywhere. I can’t be with you right now and honestly I don’t think you can be with me either ok? Just give it some time and space,” I say regretfully but I can’t tell him anything else. As much as I love him the thought of his arms around me right now makes me cringe; all I can see is that merciless look on his face when his foot was colliding with my stomach. “I love you but I can’t be with you right now. I loved you more than anything three days ago and I couldn’t imagine my life without you but I can’t be around you right now. Too much shit’s happened since then.”
He nods at me and more tears run down his face. I can’t look at him without crying too but it is what it is. “Well, nothing’s changed for me; so if you change your mind I’ll be around ok? I love you Baby Boy and nothing’s going to change that, even the shit with Izzy doesn’t change that; it just hurts.” Something in me can’t take the look on his face and I reach out and squeeze his hand. He squeezes back and then stands up and walks out the door and I burst into tears. I love him too but I have no idea what to do about it.
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