FicWad

Axl

Sleep just was not in the cards for me that next morning. The phone was ringing by my head by 6 am. It was Doug saying that Izzy was M.I.A. I was not at all surprised. In fact, I was a bit pissed at being woke up and told something I already suspected. Izzy always ran away to reflect and get loaded to attempt not to reflect. Ignorance was his truest bliss. He's just doing his poor pitiful me act. He wants me to chase him, but I can't stay on this Ferris wheel of insanity with him any longer. He has to crash and burn on his own. I couldn't Save him, and my love obviously couldn't save him either. Izzy needed to go find Izzy again. If he could. But this time I'm not scared and waiting. I'm ambivalent. I knew he would turn up in time for our next show. So I don't give it much more thought and go back to sleep.

I had just fallen asleep again when a desperate knock came to my door. It was Slash. He was worried about Izzy. He tells me Izzy was going out to score for them and promised he would be back by the time Slash woke up. Obviously he wasn't. He wanted me to help him find him, but that’s not part of my job detail now. I just couldn’t. Remember the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. I had to stop the insanity since Izzy wasn’t capable I honestly wasn’t worried. Izzy could handle himself. Most likely he was holed up in some gritty smack den and obviously used all of what he scored. Slash just no clue how Izzy really ticked. I can see he’s getting visibly antsy for a fix for no reason, other than hé’s awake. Fiending like any typical junkie. I'm wasn't born yesterday, I know he's more worried about his wakeup shot than Izzy.

Well Slash decided to take one of the bodyguards and go looking for him. No big surprise there either. He wanted one of two things from Izzy, a morning fix, or Izzy himself. I sure hope Duff has a suave side to him. I hope with all my fucking heart that Slash has all the love in the world for Duff. I want nothing more than him to be his soulmate. In my heart I want to believe Izzy's only having a fling. My dark angel vowed to love me above all others, even when times couldn't be any worse. And that's exactly how we used to be. But the Izzy who loved and cherished me. I don’t want to even care. He wasn’t my responsibility anymore. Slash can go searching for Izzy if he just must. Izzy would be found when he wanted to and not a second sooner. Good fucking luck finding him Slash.

I finally drifted back to sleep only to be interrupted again my more rapping at my door. I growl frustration and debate on whether to get up or ignore it. But the infernal knocking persists loudly so I have no choice but to get up to answer the door. Im ready to give somebody a piece of my mind. I practically rip the door from the hinges. This time it's Duff who is disturbing my much needed sleep. On first inspection, he's been crying. Secondly, he's drunk as shit. Lastly, he’s been up all night on coke. I let him in because he says it's important. He races into my room running his hand over his face. He starts pacing an eight foot trail in the carpet. I can't help but notice slight bruising on his jaw and his eyebrow is split. "What the fuck happened to you?" I ask. Obviously someone hit him. And I am genuinely concerned and curious. Did Slash get even? That is how shit usually went with me and Izzy.

He starts to sob, quickly covering his face and trying to stop. I just stand there and patiently wait for him to calm enough to tell me. Finally his arms fall to his sides. His eyes flutter down and he whispers, "Izzy stopped by my room last night."

I can only stare in shock for a moment. Then i move closer to him and allow my fingers to trace the cut above his eye. "Did he do this to you?" I ask surveying his wounds closely. A knot forms in my gut because I know Duff is gonna say yes.

Duff sniffles and nods. "He says he's gonna take Slash from me!" He starts to wail some more. And i know he’s not lying. My own stomach hits the ground in agony. "He told me I made Slash his by fucking Mandy and hitting him!" He continues through broken breaths. "He said he fucking loved him and Slash said he loved him too!"

I drop to the bed seated. My heart shatters. I knew he wanted him, but loved him? I was devastated. Slash didn’t have a clue how to love Izzy! Izzy was too complicated with too many secrets. Slash couldn't even fucking love Duff! It sure as fuck didn’t take Izzy long to move the fuck on. I couldn't believe any of this. I didn’t fucking want to. This couldn’t be fucking happening! Izzy loved me and I loved him. Yeah, I left him, but i would always love him. And i guess i thought he would pine away for me and maybe come to his senses and crawl back. Guess Izzy was just waiting to be free of me. The pain I’m feeling is unbearable. And Duff was a drunk wreck. I know exactly how much he's hurting right now. At least he hasn't has 12 years of this pain.

Duff

I look at Axl sitting on the bed. He's shell shocked, and why wouldn't he be? I knew he still loved Izzy, even if he knew he couldn't be with him anymore. It had never appeared so clearly until seeing the look on his face right this second. And I loved Slash. I only loved Slash. I guess I just got jealous of the shit with him and Izzy. I did spiteful things because i wanted him to hurt. I didn't fucking think he loved Izzy! Cared! Close like brothers. When the fuck did that happen? And why the fuck did it have to happen? I loved him to the best of my abilities. I loved him as wholly as possible. How did Izzy steal my baby boy? Why would he do this? I feel my chest clench tight and I'm having trouble breathing. It would help if I stopped crying, but I can't. Izzy's words kept playing in my head.

And poor Axl. I see his chest heaving and tears are coming to his reddening eyes. It makes them look so fucking green. I keep praying he will tell me Izzy was lying, that he meant none of it. I want him to tell me none of it is true. But the tears in his eyes and the pain on his face confirms all my nightmares. I can see his heart breaking in front of me. In spite of it all he still couldn’t refrain from loving the bastard. And i know i feel the same for Slash. God no, how could Slash have feelings for Izzy? Then Axl covers his face and sobs loudly, breaking my thoughts. I feel so fucking bad for him, for us both. I know exactly what kind of weight crushes the air from his lungs. I know that steaming pressure boiling his blood. I feel his registration and betrayal.

Then Axl leaps to his feet in a single bound and wraps his arms around me. I've never heard him cry so hard, not this hysterically. My arms wrap around him too as I sink my head into his neck crying just as hard as he is. "Oh Duff...I'm so fucking sorry Duff. I shouldn't have broken up with him! If I just stayed with him....Oh God!" And he breaks down again in my arms. There just is no justifying Izzy this time, or Slash. But I knew we would. I loved him and what I did was wrong. But what Slash and Izzy had done was equally wrong. How did we always do it? How could we always forgive Izzy? And vice versa. But they always found a way. I've never felt closer or that I could relate so much with Axl.

"No it was me," I sob, "Izzy was right, I ruined it! I betrayed him!" And I had. First just standing by while record companies chalked out the details of fucking him, fucking that whore Axl made me. Letting him continue taking heroin, getting married, fucking Mandy, beating him. I fucked up bad.

Axl grabs my shoulders and pushes us apart. He looks me in the eye. "They betrayed us first by fucking each other. Do you hear me Duff? Don't you forget that. And God knows how fucking many times." But I'm only capable of crying. Reality was hitting me like a ton of fucking bricks. I just couldn't get Izzy's words out of my head.

Axl

I can feel both of our worlds crumbling at our feet. Izzy promised to love me forever. He said he could never love another. I feel like such an idiot for believing him. Maybe that was just a different Izzy, the dead Izzy. This Izzy was cold. He was empty. He hurt people. I pull Duff into me once more as both of our tears soak into the others clothes. I know he's the only one who understands the way I feel. And I'm the only one who knows what he's going through. We are truly in this shit together. And I don't know what to do with the pain. Violence fixed nothing, smashing shit did nothing. What I wouldn't give for a hit of smack right about now.

"Shhhh," I try to silence him, maybe both of us. "They ain't worth our tears Duff." I force my tears to stop somehow. I swallow and choke them down and lock them away in the place I store unbearable pain. The place with the rapes and other miscellaneous pains. I move away from Duff again and grab his face. "Fucking stop!" I demand sharply. He pauses, but he can't stop every word I say only makes him cry therefore I do the only thing i know to do. I don't know how to help him. Distraction always worked on Izzy and me. So I lean up to him and press my lips to his.

His demeanor changes instantly. He’s shocked, confused, hurting, but i detect a bit of justice in his brown eyes. His hands grasp at me, clenching, pulling, and he gives in to the kiss. And this isn’t the way your mama kisses you. He kisses back releasing all his pain onto my lips. Within seconds my pain subsides. Or is at least distracted. I feel Duff's long arms go around my waist and lower me down on the bed. Or lips never part. I grab the hem of his shirt and start to pull it up his back. He moves his lips from mine just long enough to jerk it over his head. His heavy padlock necklace slams down on my chest. Then his lips with all their need find mine in all their desperation.

His pace was erratic, hot and bothered, chaotic and conflicted. And I knew just how he felt. Vengeful! He may have been boo hooing about wanting Slash to forgive him and move on with their lives together, but he's a man inside somewhere. This was just how we rolled. Tit for tat, eye for an eye, do em up one better, make them feel the fucking pain they caused you. I mean, at this point, what the fuck could the lying cheats say to us? Not one goddamn thing. So we fucked some girls, well, that shit is just not the same. Everything Duff and I had done was strictly for this fucking band.

I allow myself to get lost in Duff. In a lot of ways he reminded me of Izzy when we just went at it like rabid animals. Duff's hair is so soft and clean. Izzy's was always grungy. And Duff has scratchy guitarist’s fingertips like Izzy. I moan involuntary into his mouth because he feels good. I'm in a pair of sweats only, which leaves me feeling his hard cock against my thigh Duff is wound up and wasting no time. He is presently pushing down my sweats off my hips as he kisses me with such need. His lips trace my neck and jaw, nibbling and playing.

I reach for his pants and fumble with the button and unzip them. I push at them and we both shimmy free of our clothes. Naked, before God. Duff lays between my thighs and stops kissing me. He reclines on one elbow and looks down at me. I can't really read the expression on his face. But if I had to take a stab at it he’s asking permission to proceed. Maybe he was giving me a chance to back out. His fingers gently caress my face and neither of us know what to say. With furrowed brows he traces my features and waits until I say something. Unfortunately a cat has my tongue.

Then I feel Duff's hand slipping down to my dick. It's half hard. I can feel his against my thigh. It's even harder than before. I just nod at him. "Do it, there's lube in the nightstand."

I can see him gulp and pause a second to second guess himself. But he reaches over and slides open the drawer and pulls out the tube. He sits up on his knees between my thighs and opens the tube. I watch as he squirts some on his fingers and strokes it over his dick. He's about my size. He hesitates and looks back down at me. He’s giving me one last chance to say no. But I don’t want to say no. So I give him the only confirmation I know to give. I sit up and kiss him. "It's OK," I say as I pull him back down on top of me. He just smiles shyly and runs his index finger down my nose.

"No coming back from this, you sure?" He gives me a third chance to stop this. I take his cock in my hand and line it up with my opening. Duff thrusts his hips a little and I feel him slide inside of me. I close my eyes and draw in a breath. I was sure.

Duff

Axl had skin as soft as a woman. His fingers hadn't suffered cuts from guitar strings. And that long copper hair looked so hot splashed across a pillow. In that second it hit me. This was why Slash and Izzy fucked. This mutual pain and sympathetic understanding. What we were doing was exactly what they had done. And finally, I don't blame them for it. I fucking get it. Sometimes only someone who understands can make you forget for a moment. So I let go completely. I kiss Axl and grind my hips slowly. And you know what, it fucking feels good. It doesn't even really feel wrong. I don't feel bad in doing it. Should I? Not like Slash hasn't done this too. Fucking fuck it. I glide slowly as my lips devour his. Axl was actually pretty amazing. He stroked his cock at the same pace mine infiltrated him. Axl was definitely not a bad lover.

"Harder," he whispers as he grabs my hips and forces me into him. Oh he likes it rough huh? So I fucking give it to him. I take all my aggression and channel it to my dick. I should have felt guilty and ashamed. I should have had Slash's face stuck in my brain, but I didn't. Axl was too great and sexy to imagine anyone else. His reactions only coaxed my own. I was locked there with him in our own little pain free world. It may have been spinning out of control for us both, but somehow it didn't matter. In this moment we found sympathy, solace, understanding, and distraction. It felt so good not to be hurting.

But we aren't at it for long before I feel Axl tapping me on the shoulder and stopping me. I lean up and look at him. His eyes are trained on the door and wide as fuck. I know when I look it’s gonna be fucking bad. I shouldn't look, but human nature makes me. I slowly turn and look over my shoulder. I knew i fucking shouldn’t have. In the doorway stands Slash with a gaping jaw holding up a very, very trashed Izzy who isn't even looking because he can't hold up his own head.

"Slash..." I say. The sound of my voice causes Izzy to look up. He just Stares blankly at the two of us in Axl's bed with tiny slits in his eyes. I'm not sure right away if he even acknowledges us. And Slash is just speechless and gawking. Now that guilt sets in and the pain comes back ten fold. I've really fucked it up now.

"Fuck!" Axl hisses and starts to push me away. But I can't stop looking at Izzy and Slash. Izzy pushes away from Slash and staggers out into the hallway. It isn't until then that I know Izzy knew perfectly well what he was seeing. Axl quickly tries scampering for his clothes. Slash just shakes his head slightly and takes off following Izzy.

"Shit," I mutter. What had i done? What have we done? How can we fix this? Is it fixable