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Duff

Axl and I scrambled around the room and each other trying to dress. We kept grabbing each other's shit. Once dressed I looked at Axl with no words. He had no words either. I raced from the room and Axl just stood there like a statue. In the hall Slash was doing his best to cradle his busted rib and shove Izzy into the wall so he could pull himself along by the handrail. Izzy was completely trashed.

"Slash," I call out.

He doesn't even turn to me. He just fumbles to get in a rooms door, his, Izzy's, i forget.

"Baby boy please," I beg grabbing his arm as I catch up to them. Tears spill from my eyes. "It wasn't revenge like you think. I get it now. This was why you and Izzy slept together...to kill the pain of the one you love fucking around on you. I get it all now. I'm so sorry baby." Tears stream from my eyes.

Slash just remains oblivious as he drags Izzy into the room. He winces in pain every so often.

",Here, let me help you," I say and take on the brunt of Izzy's weight.

"Bathroom," is the only word Slash utters.

I know the drill. I get Izzy into the bathroom and lower him down to the shower floor. I turn on the cold water. Izzy gasps and comes around a little. His head slowly lifts and his eyes seek out mine. "This make us even now?" He mutters.

"Izzy..." I stammer.

"Mmmm...I get it...he's not even mine now... Same as Slash is no longer yours..." His teeth begin chartering from the cold.

I turn and look at Slash, "That's how you want it? For us to be apart? To fucking be with Izzy?!" I feel my blood starting to boil, caramelized by such extreme rage.

Slash's eyes flutter down to Izzy. "He'd never hurt me. He'd never ride my ass about junk or try to tell me what to do. And he sure ad fuck had my back. I feel safe with Izzy. I don't feel safe with you anymore. And I can't be with you feeling that way."

" So just go straight to Izzy? Jesus, you've wanted him all along, haven't you, just like Axl said? " I day incredulously.

"Izzy needs me," he says, "everyone else just beats him like a dog. Don't you get how badly he just needs to be held and told that everything will be OK?"

",Then let Axl do it! He was doing just fine if you ask me!"

",Yeah, till he threw him away. Izzy's always been there for me when no one else is. I'm not going to abandon him Iike all of you have."

"Do you love him?" I manage to ask with an elephant on my chest.

"Duff, i think it would be best if you just go. I've got him now."

"I've got myself " Izzy says wiping water from his face and attempting to get up. He steps out of the shower and gives me a deathly sedated glare. "He said leave." Damn he sobered up fast.

I cross over to Slash and lightly touch his arm. He jerks away, "Don't fucking touch me!" He shoves me as hard as he can with his busted rib. I try one more time.

Now the trashed junkie takes a step between us. He gently pushes Slash behind him. "He said he doesn't want you to fucking touch him. He doesn't wanna talk to you, he just wants you to go."

I look at Izzy standing there, soaking wet with water dripping all over the place. His hollow eyes look at me blankly, but for a second I think I might see something else, though I don't know what.

"Besides, Axl hates being left hanging," he shrugs, but it isn't smug or cocky the way he says it. It hurts him. It actually fucking hurts him. He still loved Axl. But he has my Curly Sue! And Slash peers over Izzy's shoulder like a scared injured Fawn.

"Always his protector," I Huff and back away. ",So this it fucking it Slash? You want to be with Izzy?!"

His eyes flutter away. "Just go away Duff," he mumbles.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I stand there dazed. I sniffle and nod. "Fine. I get i," and I slowly start to back away.

I leave. What else could I fucking do? In the hall I break down crying, falling to my knees and clenching at my hair and head with both hands, keening in agony. When I finally look up I see Axl standing in his doorway. He doesn't say one word. I can see from his bloodshot eyes and red nose and face that he had been crying too.

I long for him to just comfort me. To say something, anything. I know his pain and he knows mine, and a few minutes ago we had forgotten it together, now everything was all fucked up. Axls eyes glance to the door of the room Slash and Izzy are in. He blinks away a tear and looks back down at me in silence. If I could beg him for one fake "it'll be OK", I would. Please help me Axl. Tell me what to do. Axl just backs into his room and slowly shuts the door. And I'm left there all alone in the hallway on my knees.

I grab my head again and crpigh obe into a sitting fetal position and let loose again. I don't know how long I'm there before I feel a soft hand on my shoulder." Duff...are you OK sweetie?"

I look up and see Mandy looking down at me genuinely concerned. I throw my arms around her legs and sob loudly into her stomach. Her hand gently brushes across my hair. "What happened baby?"

And I don't know why but I belt out, "Slash left me for Izzy!"

She starts coaxing me to my feet. She wraps her arms around me and just lets me cry. "Come on, let's get you out of the hall," she says motioning to her room, our room. So I let her lead me.

We go in and I fall down on the bed sobbing uncontrollably into a pillow. "I'm really sorry Duff. You don't have to tell me the details if you don't want," she says and gently rubs my back. "I have some Valium. Why don't you take a few and try to relax?"

So I say fuck it, why not. I needed them before this turned into a panic attac