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Izzy

The end of the Aerosmith tour went really well in most ways. Musically it sounded great but it wasn't the music that was the problem; the problem was us. All of us were fucked up in multiple ways now. Axl was angry and silent, Steven was in way over his head with drugs and Duff was absolutely miserable all day every day so he drank like a fish and sometimes he could hardly stand up to play. He kept rails of coke on top of a table behind his amps so that he could go snort a line and wake up enough to keep up onstage. Mandy was all over him too trying to comfort him and play like she was the perfect little wife and he was letting her.

I couldn't blame him in a way though; he had nobody else. I don't think that to be mean it's just that we're on the road and there's nobody else to be with but each other. Duff had always had Slash to be with and before he got it into his head that I couldn't be trusted around Slash when I was drunk lest I force myself onto him we had been good friends but hearing that shit come out of his mouth killed off our friendship pretty quickly.

Fuck Duff, I didn't have to force myself on Slash he came running to me. I would never do anything to hurt Curly Sue anyway; he's too sweet to hurt. Not that I haven't already done things that ended up hurting him like kissing him in that club the other night but I didn't do it to purposely hurt him! Just the thought of how good that kiss felt makes my stomach flutter and my dick start to fill with blood. There had been sexual tension between us from the beginning but he had been so happy with Duff most of the time that I never pursued it except for that one night when Duff was in Vegas marrying his blonde drug mule. I didn't count all of the times we had made out as pursuing it because we had both known that we were going to return to our respective partners so there wouldn't be anything that came of it. Each of those instances were isolated incidents to me; we had both known that there couldn't and wouldn't be anything between us but we craved the comfort of each other's lips and arms when Duff or Axl had hurt us. We couldn't take our pain to our lovers so we took it to each other. That was probably my fault too for kissing the kid that night in the alley when he was freaking out over catching Duff fucking a chick up against the wall of our storage unit studio.

He had been so upset because Duff had sworn up and down that he wouldn't give in to Axl and fuck some girl, told him that he loved him too much to fuck some random slut for the band's image. Funny, that was the same thing that he said about Mandy; that he wouldn't fuck her because he loved Slash too much and just like that first night he lied and did it anyway. Duff's inability to keep his dick out of some chick's pussy had been the cause of their first fight and their last. Both times broke Slash's heart; you think that Duff would've learned after the first time but who the fuck am I to talk about not repeating screw ups? Axl and I made the fucking mold that the other two fit into so perfectly: fight, seek comfort elsewhere, fight over that, hurt each other, cling to each other, love each other, rinse and repeat. Guess Axl and I weren't the best role models.

Slash and Duff had been different people back then though; they hadn't been raped or threatened or cajoled into unwanted sex at that point, well technically I guess Axl told Duff that he'd turn Curly Sue out to me or the highest bidder that night if he didn't fuck some girl. What Duff didn't know at that time was that Axl was planning on selling him anyway; girl or no girl. But I thwarted that plan and got to kiss Slash for the first time to boot. I felt awful for him when I walked him down the alley that night and away from the party. He and Duff had never had a major fight before that night and the kid was shaking and trying not to cry and when Axl got that way kissing him always calmed him down so I just tried the same thing on Slash.

I'll never forget the look of surprise on his face when my lips touched his but he didn't pull away, didn't tell me to stop, no, his sweet, skinny, little body had just melted into mine and he kissed me back. I didn't want to let him go that night: his kisses were so sweet and sad and full of longing and curiosity and lots of other things that spoke of innocence and not the jaded anger that Axl and I held in our hearts. By that time Axl and I already had so many walls built around our hearts that they were hidden behind nearly impenetrable fortresses. We'd already watched someone we loved die right in front of us and had a baseball bat shoved up our asses by then so we were pretty hardened to most things involving the feelings of other people and I tried not to feel anything at all; Axl had enough feelings for the both of us.

But for some reason I cared about Slash's feelings. Maybe because he listened when I had needed somebody to talk to when Axl and I had been going through a major rough patch, maybe because of those shared moments of fear and relief when that truck driver who was trying to rape Slash had crumpled to the ground after I whacked him on the head with an empty bottle, I don't know. I just couldn't stand to watch him be in pain so I kissed him and tried to make it go away like I did with Axl and it had worked; he had settled down enough to go back to the party long enough to fuck a chick in front of Axl and Duff as revenge but he crumpled when I took him back to the apartment that he shared with Duff. I was crashing on their couch after Axl and I had a major fight and he threw me out. Technically it was my apartment but I didn't want to be there without him so I lived on Slash and Duff's sofa.

That was the first night I had shot him up too although he asked me to do it. I guess that was the night where I started leading him down all the wrong roads and I'm sorry for it; but I won't say that I'm sorry for finding out how good it felt to kiss him. I don't regret finding out how sweet his kisses tasted and how soft his full lips were. I'm not sorry for realizing how good it felt for somebody to make me feel needed; Axl had spent years telling me what a junkie piece of shit I was and how he didn't need me but Slash needed me even if it was just to comfort him when his heart was hurting.

It felt good to be needed and wanted by somebody again; Axl used to need me back when he wasn't Axl, back when he had just been Billy. It was Billy I missed, Billy I longed for and Slash reminded me of who Axl used to be. But I don't want him to be Axl's replacement though; I want to love him for being him, I want to love Slash, not a memory of a younger Axl who came to me looking for love and comfort so that he could forget the horrors that waited for him behind his own front door.

I pull myself out of my memories and daydreams when Slash stirs in my arms. We played our last show with Aerosmith tonight and Slash had been exhausted and pale when we finished our set; the pain of running around like a maniac when his ribs were broken was getting to him. I caught up with him as he handed his tech his Les Paul and pulled him quietly off to the side asking if he was ok. He had nodded and said that he was but it was his fourth show playing with broken bones and dark black bruises that ran from his groin halfway up his chest. When he had stumbled against me as we were walking down the hallway towards the dressing rooms I knew that he wasn't really ok and I pulled him close to me and slung his arm around my shoulders taking him straight to the back door and putting him into a waiting car. He didn't fight, didn't insist on staying for the party or anything, he just silently climbed into the limo and sagged against my chest when I sat down next to him. "It hurts Izzy," he whispered.

"I know Pretty Baby, I know. Sit up a little and I'll get you fixed up ok? You'll feel better in minute I promise," I tell him and gently kiss the side of his face as I prop him up against the back of the seat so that I can pull my works out of the pocket inside of my jacket. I got a hit cooked and drawn up and I turned back to him. He looked so pale and small curled up into himself on the seat; his breathing shallow so that he didn't cause more pain to shoot through his ribs. "Do you want me to do it or do you want to hit yourself? I ask him.

"You do it," he answers weakly. I just nod and shoot the drugs into a vein on the back of his hand. He sighs as relief hits him.

"Better baby?" I ask him as he moves back into my arms.

"Yeah, it's better, doesn't hurt so much now," he breathes, drawing in more air than he had been a minute ago.

"You're wearing yourself out beautiful; we get a two week break between tours and you need to rest, not work every day. Just lay by the pool at the hotel, sleep, actually eat and give your body some fuel to knit those ribs back together. I'll do it with you," I tell him.

"Yeah, ok, we can do that," he says and smiles at me. "Let's just try and avoid the others and Crue too, peace during a break would be nice. Maybe Doug will put us on a different floor."

"That would be nice, just some time with you without everyone else in our face," I sigh. He smiles and snuggles into my neck and I give him a little squeeze. I love being with him. I don't feel like I'm always waiting for everything to come crashing down like I did most of the time with Axl. With Slash I know they'll be no tempter tantrums, no arguments, no Erin, and I'm hoping for no Duff drama either. I'd like to just enjoy him away from all of them for a little while. Maybe get him to stop thinking about Duff. I know it's been hard for Slash to see him every day, especially when he looks so miserable. Slash seems pretty adamant about not wanting to be with him though; it worries me but I guess it's like me and Axl: I love the fucker and I always will but I'm not terribly sorry to be away from him at the moment; things had been shit in a lot of ways since Erin had shown back up and honestly I was just tired of hurting and tired of drama.

Axl had practically driven me over the edge last week and I'd created major drama and it embarrassed me honestly if I think back on it. I was drunk and high and scared as hell and for what? So he could tell me that he wished he had in fact shot me when he had the chance? So he could screw Duff after he laid into me for fooling around with Slash? Fuck him! I wanted to be happy and if I couldn't be happy with Axl and he couldn't be happy with me then maybe we needed some time apart or just to be apart altogether. I know this whole situation with Slash and me and Duff and Axl has created a horrible situation in the band but I didn't make Axl and Duff screw each other and I didn't make Duff beat the hell out of Slash. I kissed the kid but the others made their own choices after that and those choices are what landed us where we are so fuck it; fuck all of it and fuck them. I like being with Slash, I like caring for Slash, I like kissing Slash, I more than enjoyed fucking him last year and I wanted to give it a try and apparently so did he so like I said: fuck Axl and fuck Duff.

When we get back to the hotel we both shower and I talk Slash into ordering some food off the 24 hour room service menu. Granted he only agrees to order pancakes because smack makes you crave sugar but at least he eats something. The bus ride to meet up with the Crue tour is awkward to say the least. Axl and Duff stay in the front lounge and Slash and I stay in the back and poor Steven goes between the two. When we get to the hotel where we'll be staying until Motley catches up to us Doug agrees to put Slash and up in a suite two floors above everyone else. He's not happy about it but he does it; guess he's figured out that this band will never be drama free.

The hotel is huge and has three pools and Slash and I spend a lot of time laying in the lounge chairs next to the smallest one, probably the original pool before the hotel was added onto. The other two have fancy waterfalls and shit but Axl and Erin spend a lot of time there with Mandy and Duff. I don't want to be around lots of other people and least of all Axl, Erin, or Duff. The bruises on our bodies fade and Slash's pain eases up a good bit. I love waking up beside him every morning and falling asleep with him in my arms every night. I love his sweet kisses and quiet voice and the way that he's there to wake me up from the nightmares I have almost every night.

I don't wake myself up screaming in an empty bed because my boyfriend's off fucking my rapist's bitch and the nightmares are coming less often than they were, I'm down to about one every other night instead of multiple ones per night. Waking up and feeling safe and cared for made me less afraid and going back to sleep didn't seem like such an arduous and fearful task; just that little bit of security made me feel better. The only thing that scared me was how quickly I was falling in love; but maybe it wasn't really all that fast at all. I guess I'd been falling more and more since the first time I'd kissed the kid but there had been Axl and so much guilt surrounding having feelings for anyone else but I'm done feeling guilty so I just let go of everything that came before and let myself enjoy falling for someone in a way that I haven't for 10 years.

Slash seems to be falling just as hard as I am although he's as quiet about it as I am. I'm pretty good at reading him though and if I didn't think he was feeling the same way that I was I'd back off. Like I said I don't want to be someone he associates with any negative feelings when I care so much for him so it's a welcome relief one night while we were in bed making out that he finally asks me what I'm feeling. He looks up from underneath me and asks "Izzy, how do you feel about me? I mean how do you really feel? I don't, I don't want to be a mistake Izzy, I don't want to be somebody you regret or feel guilty about, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, but I need to know before I let go any further."

Oh thank god one of us finally found the guts to bring it up. I almost sigh in relief but I hold it in because I know I won't come off as relieved I'll come across as irritated and I'm so not. I stay propped up above him for about 30 seconds just looking into his dark brown eyes and watch as hope and fear run through them. Finally I get brave enough to answer. "I feel the same way; I've been worrying about you feeling like I was a mistake or you feeling like you had to be with me because you don't. If you wanted to walk away it would hurt but it would hurt more to know that you're only here because I'm your only option or an obligation. I don't want that. I care about you, I'm falling so hard for you but I'm scared at the same time. I want to be with you; I want you to love me the way I love you but I want it to be real. I don't want anything else from you; if you don't want to be with me then you need to tell me now; not tomorrow, not never, just now."

"I do want to be with you Izzy," he answers. "I've been trying to figure out what it was that you wanted. I've been trying to figure that out for several months but there were the other two and what happened to you and just so much other shit. I love you; I don't feel guilty about it and I don't want to. I don't want you to feel like you have to be with me either."

"I don't feel like that, I want to be here with you. I've been happier in the past couple of weeks than I have in a long time other than those few other times we've gotten to steal a few hours together but when that happened one of us was usually really upset but now we can finally be happy together and I want that so much," I tell him quietly, still looking down into his eyes.

"I want that too. I'm happy too, you don't have to worry, I won't hurt you," he promises and pulls me back down to his lips. This kiss is different though; it's a kiss that's full of relief and surrender for both of us and we just give in to it. The kiss grows as the fear fades and our walls come down. I melt into him and our hands start to roam. Soon we're both naked and his eyes are full of yearning and I know mine are too. "Please," he asks me quietly.

"You sure?" I ask.

He nods. "I'm sure."

"I'm not rushing it though, I want it done right so no hurrying things up just to cum, got it?" I tease even though I'm totally serious. He nods and I reach for the bedside table drawer where I'd thrown a bottle of lube hoping that this would happen. I make love to him for the next hour or so and I mean actually make love to him not just fuck him. It's soft and sweet and absolutely perfect. Even when it's over I refuse to stop kissing him; not wanting to break the connection between us, only releasing him when I see him getting tired. I back up and look into those beautiful eyes again. "I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too," he whispers back and I smile. I mean it with all of my heart and I know that he does too. I'm so happy, I love him absolutely, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.