Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Axl
I woke up around dawn. Fuck, I’m not even sure if I really slept. My head is killing me from drinking too fucking much. We leave later for Atlanta. There’s a studio here downtown and I woke up with a great idea I had to get down before I forgot. So I called up room service for some Tylenol and took a hot shower. I got dressed, grabbed my smokes and lit one and picked up the phone to call Doug’s room to arrange for a ride and security. He’s naturally pissed that I’m waking him up at sunrise. But the bastard does his job and in twenty minutes a limo is waiting for me.
I walk out of my room and lock it behind me. From the corner of my eye I see a figure coming out of Steven’s room. It’s fucking Erin. She’s holding her high heels in her hand and has a towel wrapped around her. She is trying to shut the door as quietly as possible. Then she looks up and sees me. Her jaw drops and she sheepishly walks towards me. My she sure does get around.
“Can I just get my clothes?” She asks me.
I huff, “See if Steven might buy you some. His sense of fashion sucks…how about you go seduce Duff? He dresses much better and could probably go for a blowjob. Better yet, why don’t you run off to your Nikki? Be sure to tell him you’ve fucked over half this band now. I’m sure he will be so proud of you.”
“But the press Axl…we’re supposed to be together,” she stutters.
“Not every waking moment sweetheart. When it’s a photo op I’ll be sure to let you know, till then, just stay the fuck away from me. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t think about fucking me, are we clear?”
“How are we going to pull any of this off then?” She questions me rolling her eyes.
“To tell you the truth, I could give a fuck. You served Sixx’s evil fucking purpose. He wanted me and Izzy apart, we’re apart. Your job is done so just fuck off,” and I storm away to the elevator. As the door closes I can see Izzy’s head going back in his room. I close my eyes and fight the tears that want out so desperately.
I march across the lobby with my security guy when the elevator door opens. At the curb a chauffer opens a door for me and I climb in. The second the door shuts I bury my face in my hands and let those stifled tears spill out of me. I had so foolishly thought that being without Izzy would be a relief, some breath of fresh air. But it wasn’t a relief at all. It was agonizing. It hurt even worse to hide that pain from everyone. It festered in my soul and I’m not one to let things fester. It’s dangerous to hold shit in. It always ends up in some explosive disaster. I was afraid of that happening.
So I’m going to this studio at the but crack of dawn to try to expel some demons in a positive manner. I get there and lock myself in a room all alone. Fuck producers and mixers and any audience. I needed privacy. I sit down at a bench behind a baby grand piano. My fingers glide across the ivory keys in a gentle melody. I took lessons for years, but it never meant anything to me to play somebody else’s shit. I always preferred my own. On Appetite we didn’t have access to pianos and keyboards are for fucking synth bands. But now I’m able to get back to my roots. I remember telling Izzy countless times that I was a piano player. He would always smile shaking his head, “No, you’re a front man.”
I smile at the sound of the keys. I haven’t played in fucking years but it’s all flowing out so naturally. “When I look into your eyes…” I stop and try a different arrangement of notes. “I can see a love restrained. But when I'm holding you, don’t you know I feel the same…”
It all just flows out of me. Tears spill down my cheeks and splat on the keys. “Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change…” Dear god I missed Izzy and now the words of this beautiful song I had written for him had taken on a completely different meaning. Originally I was referring to his pain and how we might always fight, but our love always ruled out everything else. But now It seems like I wrote it losing him.
“We’ve been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain, ooh yeah. Love is always coming, love is always going, and no one’s really sure who’s letting go today…walking away…If we could take the time to lay it on the line I could rest my head just knowing that you are mine…all mine. So if you want to love me, then darlin don’t refrain, or I’ll just end up walking in the cold November rain.” And I still meant every last word of that shit. We had had a very complicated relationship but we both always knew we would die for the other. But now I feel like I’ve lost him. Maybe he just needed time…space.
My voice cracks as I try to contain my tears, “Do you need some time on your own? Do you need some time all…everybody needs some time…” Maybe he had to get this Slash thing out of his system.
I slam my fists down on the keys and try again through my tears. “And when your fears subside and shadows still remain, oh yeah…I know that you can love me…” I sniffle back my running nose, “When there’s no one left to blame. So never mind the darkness…”
My thoughts get broken off to the sound of small objects dropping down on the piano. I look up and see Izzy standing there. His eyes are brimmed with tears and his palm sits flat on top of the piano. He moves it aside and I see bullets. “I can’t trust myself with these,” he shakes his head and looks down. “I know I can trust you to keep these far far away from me.”
I just look down in silence. “It’s beautiful Axl. They’re gonna remember you for this song. The piano…it’s perfect.”
“It just makes me think of you,” I whisper sadly and refuse to let him see me cry.
He slowly walks over and sits next to me on the bench. “It reminds me of how much you once loved me. Play the rest…please…” He softly asks.
I shrug, “I lost my place.”
“…We still can find a way…’Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain…”
Our eyes meet and it’s no goddamn use trying to hide the tears in our eyes. I can only speechlessly shake my head.
“Axe…” his soft voice whispers, “for any pain I’ve caused you, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go, give you your privacy. It’s a beautiful song Axe.”
Izzy gets up to leave and my hand quickly goes over his. He glances down at my hand over his. He’s looking right at my ring which I have yet to take off. I can see his eyes water slightly. He stoops over and gently kisses my forehead. He strokes my cheek with a nod and walks away.
I woke up around dawn. Fuck, I’m not even sure if I really slept. My head is killing me from drinking too fucking much. We leave later for Atlanta. There’s a studio here downtown and I woke up with a great idea I had to get down before I forgot. So I called up room service for some Tylenol and took a hot shower. I got dressed, grabbed my smokes and lit one and picked up the phone to call Doug’s room to arrange for a ride and security. He’s naturally pissed that I’m waking him up at sunrise. But the bastard does his job and in twenty minutes a limo is waiting for me.
I walk out of my room and lock it behind me. From the corner of my eye I see a figure coming out of Steven’s room. It’s fucking Erin. She’s holding her high heels in her hand and has a towel wrapped around her. She is trying to shut the door as quietly as possible. Then she looks up and sees me. Her jaw drops and she sheepishly walks towards me. My she sure does get around.
“Can I just get my clothes?” She asks me.
I huff, “See if Steven might buy you some. His sense of fashion sucks…how about you go seduce Duff? He dresses much better and could probably go for a blowjob. Better yet, why don’t you run off to your Nikki? Be sure to tell him you’ve fucked over half this band now. I’m sure he will be so proud of you.”
“But the press Axl…we’re supposed to be together,” she stutters.
“Not every waking moment sweetheart. When it’s a photo op I’ll be sure to let you know, till then, just stay the fuck away from me. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t think about fucking me, are we clear?”
“How are we going to pull any of this off then?” She questions me rolling her eyes.
“To tell you the truth, I could give a fuck. You served Sixx’s evil fucking purpose. He wanted me and Izzy apart, we’re apart. Your job is done so just fuck off,” and I storm away to the elevator. As the door closes I can see Izzy’s head going back in his room. I close my eyes and fight the tears that want out so desperately.
I march across the lobby with my security guy when the elevator door opens. At the curb a chauffer opens a door for me and I climb in. The second the door shuts I bury my face in my hands and let those stifled tears spill out of me. I had so foolishly thought that being without Izzy would be a relief, some breath of fresh air. But it wasn’t a relief at all. It was agonizing. It hurt even worse to hide that pain from everyone. It festered in my soul and I’m not one to let things fester. It’s dangerous to hold shit in. It always ends up in some explosive disaster. I was afraid of that happening.
So I’m going to this studio at the but crack of dawn to try to expel some demons in a positive manner. I get there and lock myself in a room all alone. Fuck producers and mixers and any audience. I needed privacy. I sit down at a bench behind a baby grand piano. My fingers glide across the ivory keys in a gentle melody. I took lessons for years, but it never meant anything to me to play somebody else’s shit. I always preferred my own. On Appetite we didn’t have access to pianos and keyboards are for fucking synth bands. But now I’m able to get back to my roots. I remember telling Izzy countless times that I was a piano player. He would always smile shaking his head, “No, you’re a front man.”
I smile at the sound of the keys. I haven’t played in fucking years but it’s all flowing out so naturally. “When I look into your eyes…” I stop and try a different arrangement of notes. “I can see a love restrained. But when I'm holding you, don’t you know I feel the same…”
It all just flows out of me. Tears spill down my cheeks and splat on the keys. “Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change…” Dear god I missed Izzy and now the words of this beautiful song I had written for him had taken on a completely different meaning. Originally I was referring to his pain and how we might always fight, but our love always ruled out everything else. But now It seems like I wrote it losing him.
“We’ve been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain, ooh yeah. Love is always coming, love is always going, and no one’s really sure who’s letting go today…walking away…If we could take the time to lay it on the line I could rest my head just knowing that you are mine…all mine. So if you want to love me, then darlin don’t refrain, or I’ll just end up walking in the cold November rain.” And I still meant every last word of that shit. We had had a very complicated relationship but we both always knew we would die for the other. But now I feel like I’ve lost him. Maybe he just needed time…space.
My voice cracks as I try to contain my tears, “Do you need some time on your own? Do you need some time all…everybody needs some time…” Maybe he had to get this Slash thing out of his system.
I slam my fists down on the keys and try again through my tears. “And when your fears subside and shadows still remain, oh yeah…I know that you can love me…” I sniffle back my running nose, “When there’s no one left to blame. So never mind the darkness…”
My thoughts get broken off to the sound of small objects dropping down on the piano. I look up and see Izzy standing there. His eyes are brimmed with tears and his palm sits flat on top of the piano. He moves it aside and I see bullets. “I can’t trust myself with these,” he shakes his head and looks down. “I know I can trust you to keep these far far away from me.”
I just look down in silence. “It’s beautiful Axl. They’re gonna remember you for this song. The piano…it’s perfect.”
“It just makes me think of you,” I whisper sadly and refuse to let him see me cry.
He slowly walks over and sits next to me on the bench. “It reminds me of how much you once loved me. Play the rest…please…” He softly asks.
I shrug, “I lost my place.”
“…We still can find a way…’Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain…”
Our eyes meet and it’s no goddamn use trying to hide the tears in our eyes. I can only speechlessly shake my head.
“Axe…” his soft voice whispers, “for any pain I’ve caused you, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go, give you your privacy. It’s a beautiful song Axe.”
Izzy gets up to leave and my hand quickly goes over his. He glances down at my hand over his. He’s looking right at my ring which I have yet to take off. I can see his eyes water slightly. He stoops over and gently kisses my forehead. He strokes my cheek with a nod and walks away.
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