FicWad

I was alone in the studio for most of the day. I had sang November Rain probably a dozen times after Izzy left. Seeing him today was both painful and a relief. It hurt because I fucking miss him. I miss waking up with him. Miss hearing him calling me Fireball and darlin. I miss his warm skin that always felt a few degrees hotter than most people. Miss his fucking blue black hair dye all over the fucking bathroom. Miss his stupid gun under his pillow...at least I have the bullets. I'm glad he gave them to me. It makes me see that he still trusts me more than anyone else. And that was one of the painful things. I know he's going through hell being here around Nikki and Tommy, and I can't do a fucking thing anymore. I can't hold him. I can't kiss away his tears. I can't talk to him...all of that is Slash's job now. And that shit probably hurts worse than anything else. I fucking hate Slash and that hurts. It hurts to look at Duff in the face. Steven fucked my fake girlfriend. God knows if it will make it in magazines or onto MTV. If it does it would make a world of hurt for us all.

But I know Izzy is trying so hard not to completely lose it. That is a relief. I hate to even think it, but I'm relieved he's not all alone right now. He doesn't need to be. And right now Slash's fluffy passiveness is just what he needs, all affectionate and loving. It relieves me he has the distraction. He's not strong enough yet to go at this shit alone. But today, when he kissed my forehead and stroked my cheek...fuck, it made me high. And it relieves me to know I still feel that way. I'm relieved to know that I love him still and that I'm strong enough to give him what he needs, which is time away from me. It's a step back so he can see a bigger picture. I'm relieved that he seems to understand that. I'm even more relieved that we aren't fighting and hitting each other anymore. Today almost felt like we were friends again. I'm relieved.

I look at the ring on my finger. I haven't taken it off since Izzy slid it on my finger, and I never will. I don't ever want to forget the twelve years I had him. I understand that he had to take his off because of Slash, but I know he keeps it close. I know he tells Slash that he fucking loves him, that's Izzy. It's the easiest thing to say when he doesn't really mean it. But when he does mean it it becomes the hardest fucking thing in the world for him to say. Nobody will ever understand him the way I do. I think he too has even forgotten who he really is...Jeff and Izzy are both heavily sedated. The longer they stay like that the more time he has to forget it all completely. Maybe Slash can remind him again.
The real Izzy was calm and patient. He knew exactly what he wanted and he did it. He was always aloof and seemed to just drift from this reality, but he was very much here. He was full of energy and life. His brain never stopped working. He always had these grand ideas and dreams. He was very in tune with people... what they wanted, needed, expected, thought, or felt. He could do that with complete strangers too. It was a gift and heroin had taken it away. There was just. One thing left that heroin hasn't stolen from him. His life. But how long could that last?

I look at the clock on the wall. It's almost time for soundcheck, I should probably call it a day. I take a copy of my song and head out of the studio. I notice that the security guy I had brought with me is gone. What fucking kind of security is this? I'm livid and Doug is gonna fucking hear about it. My limo is still at the curb. My driver opens the door and I get in. The door shuts and I hear it lock, but I didn't do it. Then I see that black hearted son of a bitch Sixx lighting a cigarette.

"Well hello Fireball," he gleams at me.
My body tenses. My heart races. I have no form of a weapon, nothing but a pocket full of fucking bullets. I know why he's here. To torment, torture, and do possibly worse. I know he's smart. He's big. He's strong. And he's fucking evil. I
freeze and feel my impending doom.

"Soooo quiet," he smiles and ashes his cigarette, "aren't you even going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" I say but find that my voice is barely audible.

"What am I doing here? What do I want? Where are we going? Whatever am I gonna do you?" He huffs and takes a drag from his cigarette. "Is this a surprise?" He cackled deeply. "Come on, you knew I would come for you eventually. See, I owe you a bullet in the ass and some deep throating. And then to sort of one up it, I have something really special planned for you."

I draw in a breath as he gets up and comes over to sit next to me. He rests his arm on the back of the seat and slouches down looking at me with his evil fucking smirk. "So this is the most special one."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I ask.
He just glances away smiling. "Since you're so special I'm gonna put you up in a fancy suite at the Hilton. I'm gonna tie you to the bed. I'm slowly going to cut off all your clothes...and...and see what makes you so fucking special."

Oh fuck! I just know he's gonna have Tommy waiting there for me. He's gonna have him rape me the same way he did Izzy. Maybe even worse! I had shot him. I put him through degradation and humiliation. He wasn't going to spare me one second of agony. I'm fucking scared to death. I needed help.

"Now," Nikki says as he sniffs out his cigarette, "you're gonna walk in this hotel and get in the elevator. You try and run...humph," he snorts, "I think you already know I'm prepared for that."
He stabs a needle on my leg and I can only look at him in shock.

"Relax Fireball. I'm not gonna kill you. Not yet." He smiles.
I felt my eyelids drop and his face faded from the world.
***

When I come around, I'm tied hand.and foot to a four poster bed. My wrists hurt like hell when I tried to wriggle myself free.
"Uh Uh, Axl. That won't work. I have you tied so well that the only way to get you free is to cut the cords. And somehow," he twirled a blade on his hair, "somehow I think it ain't gonna be me doing it." He sits down a lights a cigarette, looking at me the whole time.

Time passes. Daylight turns to dark. I'm all alone with this psycho. Does anyone even notice I'm gone? Or him for that fact? Or are they just chocking it up to 'oh Axl's fucking late again'. 'Lets give him another 45 minutes.' There's no way they would even know Nikki is gone too. I won't be missed for hours. A Calvary would come quicker for Nikki than for me. Nikki is never late and never misses his shows. But he has more than enough time to do whatever sick shit he has planned for me.
Nikki stares down at me smirking. He pulls his shirt off and I swallow hard. He walks over to the bar and starts breaking himself out lines of coke. He tilts his head back after he's done a few lines. His eyes slowly settle on me. He strolls over to the bed and slowly straddles me. He sits on my stomach and I can hardly breathe.

"Now... I want to tell you a story," he begins. "There was once this rock star who threw a party. He invited hundreds of people. A lot were from other bands. One band in particular shows up with high hopes and stars in their eyes. The rock star knew a few of them already, so he knew a little bit about the band and it's members. The front man had busted up the guitarists face and broken things off with him." He runs his finger across my cheek and I look away. Nikki shifts his weight off of me and lays beside me. He rests his head on my shoulder and stares up at the ceiling and continues.

"The rock star already knew that the guitarist sold smack and was a user as well. This made the rock star happy because he never had many people to get high with. So he immediately befriended the guitarist. The rock star then motions to one of his girls, a very pretty red head who knew her duty. He points out the singer to her so she can distract him while the rock star takes the guitarist up to his room so they can get high.
So they get high. They have some fun in the pool and on some golf carts. Just a really good fucking time. The rock star is intrigued by the guitarist. Simply fascinated. Obsessed. And he finds himself thinking shit he has never before thought. He could take one look at the guitarist and know some of the struggles he had had. The rock star had had...similar experiences. Well at some point the guitarist fucks a drummer from the rock stars band. And the rock star feels jealously. So when the guitarist finishes and returns to the rock stars room the rock star offers him more drugs, which he happily accepts. The rock star makes the fix really strong. He shoots up the guitarist who quickly passes out."

Nikki shifts his weight again and curls into me. He takes a strand of my hair and twiddles with it.
"The rock star took off all his clothes and the guitarists as well..." he runs the strand of my hair down my nose and across my lips. "The rock star had been fucked by a man before but had never had the experience of doing the fucking. But he secretly wanted it soooo fucking bad. Well...he had this attractive guitarist right there naked in his bed. He had the perfect opportunity. So he lay there a long while just caressing the guitarist. Feeling his warm skin. Running his tongue all over him just so he could taste him. The rock star spreads open the guitarists legs. He lies between them. He makes love to the barely there guitarist. It's slow, tender, caring, soft...passionate. It was fucking beautiful. The guitarist moaned as the rock star loved him. The rock star was filled with emotion. He had never before felt such a way. Everything was perfect. Then it's over and the guitarist snuggles into the rock star. He whispers but four little words before passing out again. 'I love you Fireball.'"

My heart races as he reaches over me to the night stand and picks the blade. I can see it's metal glint before my eyes. Nikki slides it under a button on my shirt and pops it off. Then he does it to the rest. He opens my shirt exposing my chest.

"The next morning when the rock star woke up the guitarist was gone. The rock star was...hurt by this. However he decides to see the rock star again instead of giving up. He just couldn't. Later the rock star finds out that the guitarist had no memory at all of being with him. Can't remember the passion, not the conversation, it was as if it never even happen." Nikki's eyes look into mine as he traces the razorblade gently down my chest. I prepare myself to be cut. His eyes grow black and he looks down at my chest. "This cuts the rock star...deep." I feel the razor slice into my skin. It stings and it burns, the blade is that sharp, but I don't scream.

"The rock star had this stinging sensation," he says softly as he drags the blade through my skin again. I can feel my blood run down my stomach. My chest is on fire. "The rock star felt rejected." He cuts me again. "The rock star was dying to feel that connection he did that night with the guitarist but he couldn't. The guitarist loved someone he called Fireball." And again he drags the blade through my searing flesh. The sick fuck runs his tongue through my bleeding wound.

"Mmmm... the rock star realized he would never ever...ever feel this way again..." Yet again I feel the burning sting of another slice. But I won't cry out. I wouldn't make a sound. If Nikki feels bored he will stop.

"So the rock star decided that if he couldn't have the guitarist then no one would. The rock star would take away everything the guitarist loved. He would crawl into his head and twist things so bad the guitarist would be disheveled... destroyed...fucked." I feel him gouge me even deeper. He licks my blood away again. "You taste like sugar and metal. Is this what he loves? The taste of you? Is he in your blood? Do I taste him too?"

Again the blade cuts through me. Nikki goes even deeper to make me bleed more. He laps at my blood like some sort of vampire. He looks up at me with blood on his lips. He leans up over me and kisses my lips softly. Then he bites my bottom lip hard enough to make it bleed. He bites my shoulders, my chest, my nipples . He bites it so hard that I cannot supress a whimper, it hurts so much.
"He kisses these lips and feels what the rock star did. And the rock star has to understand it. He has to find out what the guitarist loves so wholly. What does he love so much that it owns him? Does that feeling own you too? Do you love him like he loves you?"

The blade cuts me again and I hiss. "Yes."
Nikki glares down at me with his uncaring eyes.

"Wrong answer." He slowly and deeply drags the blade through me again. "Then I'll cut the feelings out of you." And again I'm cut. I can't take anymore.

"What do you fucking want from me?!" I shout out in agony.

He smirks, "Just to watch you bleed. To let you know how I hurt. He could have loved me and I would have loved him if it wasn't for you. You just had to keep taking him back...for everything I tried to seperate you...you always found a way to hang on to him. Why couldn't you just walk away and let me have him?"

"You don't know shit about love!" I growl and spit in his face. He swiftly punches me in the nose. I can feel blood start to pour from it.
Nikki pulls out a knife and holds it against my throat. "Now I'm going to do my best to do to you what I let Tommy do to Izzy. But I promise I'll do my best not to cum too fast." He reaches down and starts to cut away my pants. He rips and tears and manages to cut them all away from me. Oh god... he's going to fuck me. But his pants are still on. He lays on top of me looks into my eyes as his hands trace patterns on my cheeks in blood. "I completely understand what it is you love in him you know... I just don't get what he sees in you. You were damaged goods long before he ever met you... weren't you?"

"He will come for me...but you know that, don't you? Is that the reason for this? Just to lure
Izzy?" I ask.

"That's some if it, yeah," he smiles, "I'm not done causing him the pain he's caused me. Who knows, maybe I'll fuck him again so he remembers it this time."

"How did you expect him to remember when you got him so fucking loaded?! Even if he did remember, do you think it would have meant anything at all to him?! You never stood a chance with Izzy you crazy delusional fuck!! He could never love someone as cold and cruel as you!"

"He gave me no choice but to be cold and cruel," Nikki says as he runs his fingers through my hair. "I would have been perfect for him. You know why? Because we're so much alike."

"He is nothing like you," I shake my head.

"Oh yes he is," Nikki laughs, "he's just as heartless and mean as I am."

"No he's not," I say as a tear rolls from my eyes.
Nikki gently wipes it away, "Then why are you crying?" He then pressed his lips to mine again.

"Mmmm, show me how he kisses you..."

"Fuck you!"

"We'll get to that," he sarcastically laughs, "I'm just having a bit of trouble getting hard for you. See, I don't fucking like you very much."
"Fucking good! I hate you!!" I scream at him. He grabs my face in his hands and shoves his tongue in my mouth. I want to fucking bite it off but I know if I do there will be dire consequences. But I damn sure don't kiss the son of a bitch back.
He retracts from my mouth and looks at me for a long hard moment. "Well," he snorts, "the predicament doesn't lie in whether or not you like me. Your feelings are irrelevant to the situation at hand Fireball."

"Don't fucking call me that!" I snap. Only Izzy got to call me that.

I feel his hands glide down my sides. "Mmmm, is that one reserved for your precious dark angel?" He asks this as his eyes follow his hands path down me. "And I guess you're expecting him at any second, aren't you?"

"He'll come for me!" I yelp.

His eyes meet with mine and I shiver. "Are you so sure? You left him, threw him out like yesterday's garbage. Why in the fuck would he come for you now? I'm sure he's far too busy cuddling his little Curly Sue to concern him for the scorned ex. See," Nikki smiles at me, "I gave him a really really good reason not to let Slash out of his sight. So...he won't be coming for you."

"You fried fuck! We're both missing! A show has probably been canceled! Some fucking body is looking for us!" I shout.

"Yeah? And what makes you think anybody gives a shit enough? You think anybody actually fucking cares? Wake up kid. Izzy don't give a fuck about you anymore! He doesn't fucking love you!"

"Get your goddamn hands off me!!!"
A smirk prowls his face, "There's that defiant Fireball, bout time he joined the party. Submissive Axl just wasn't cutting it for me. I like it when you're mean," he leans over and whispers into my ear, "gives me a reason to be rough." He dips his weight down between my thighs and grinds his hips into mine. I can feel his dick trying to get hard. "Come on, talk more shit," he chuckles.

"Izzy's gonna cut your fucking dick off!!"

"Oh I doubt it. He had his chance to do that this morning and chickened out like the little bitch he is," he purrs and runs his tongue across my coagulating blood.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I question and fear what his answer might be.

"I paid a little visit to Slash this morning, well Tommy and I did..."

I jerk at my bound wrists, "What did you do you sick fuck?!"

"Oh...not quite as much as I was intending to do. Duff burst in like a blonde tornado and ruined everything. You know, you have a brutal bassist to be such a passivist. The bruise under my eye is courtesy of him. This one on my jaw is from your precious dark angel. Rather rude of them to interrupt if you ask me. Especially Izzy given our history together."

"History?!" I fume and stare him down. "What's the matter Sixx? You can't fuck someone unless they're tied up or passed out?!"

"But it's so much more fun this way," he coos as his hands explore my body even more. "I get all of the control, and you get none." He brings two of his fingers to my mouth and tries to work them in.
"Get them wet, like a good boy."
I tell myself not to let my mind wander off to some long ago forgotten Indiana nights. No! I won't remember his hands touching me. Touching that I didn't ask for. I won't think about him talking to me. I won't remember how he used to always tell me to be a good boy. Won't remember how he would say that if I didn't shut up he would give me something to cry about. No! No, I won't think about him! I need to think of something else. Go anywhere else in my head but there.
Nikki pulls his fingers out of my mouth and I feel him dangerously close to sliding them in my ass. "There," Nikki gleams as he slides them inside me, "that didn't hurt, did it?"

I squeeze my eyes shut to contain the tears that threaten to spill out. My mind was slipping and shifting from present to past and past to present. My brain was almost turning Nikki's hands into someone else's. I vowed to forget his voice. I vowed to forget the scriptures he recited as his fingers did as Nikki's are. I've spent so many years trying to forget that fucking voice. To forget his hands and his filthy cock he hurt me with over and over again calling it love and obedience. And for so long I did think that's what love was. It took Izzy to show me what love really was. And I surely didn't make it easy. I never made anything between us easy. I try to drift away. I needed to detach myself from a reality that's about to get very bad. I need to find a safe place in my mind that isn't tainted by misery.

"Mmmm, so tense," I hear Nikki say and twist his fingers inside me.

No! Stop listening to him! Tune him out! You're not here Axl. You're far far away. You're hidden deep within a corn field. It's safe. No one knows you're there except Izzy. That's it Axl, picture the leaves. Feel the warm breeze. See Izzy's face. That's it, go to the secret place you both share. You'll be safe there. You're always safe with Izzy. Find him Axl. You have to find him now before Nikki takes over your thinking.
And slowly Nikki's moans turn into the whistling rustle blowing the corn stalks above my head. The glare of my vision clears and I can see my Izzy's face coming into view. He smiles down at me warmly as his hands stroke my hair from my face. They are so soft because at this point he had never picked up a guitar. His eyes burn with love and i know it's all for me. He's mine. Bound together for all eternity.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," his soft voice whispers as he gazes at me in wonder.

"You're just high," I say shrugging off the awkwardness of the moment between us. At that point we were only 17, and I still thought izzy loving me was just some coping device I had made up.

"You think that matters?" He asks me. "You're beautiful if I'm sober or trashed. You're beautiful because you're mine." I guess at that moment I realized that he meant it.

"I'll always be yours Izzy," I mutter and feel his lips softly press to mine. And time stands still for me in this perfect daydream. Nikki, this room, the stinging at my chest, it all just loses its relevance. I'm gone away from here with all this torment. I'm with Izzy.

I feel then. A long, deep cut that goes from the top of my thigh to my knees. I can't even scream, I'm so stunned by the pain.

"Don't you go anywhere. I want you here for this," he says with his menacing black eyes.

"Fuck you!!!" I growl.

"You think you can run into your head and hide with Izzy? Haven't you figured out yet that he doesn't love you anymore? What did he do the second he was free of you? That's right beautiful, he ran right to Slash. I bet Slash wrapped those big soft beautiful lips around his cock and made him forget all about you." Nikki grinds up against me again. He's hard now. Now he's gonna try to fuck me.

"You don't know him as well as you like to think you sick bastard!"

Nikki dryly chuckles, " Well where is he then? I don't see him running to your rescue. I bet a part of him would see the retribution in all of this. Let's face it, you haven't been very good to him, have you? So bad in fact that he would just let this happen to you. He's probably in Slash's arms right this second, because I left a note on the front desk for him, telling him exactly where we are. Do you see him pounding the door? Oh poor you! I don't!"

I cannot help but cry at what he just told me. Izzy doesn't care. He doesn't love me. He's not risking leaving Slash to come looking for me.
"Kill me," I whisper, tears spilling from my eyes, "if Izzy doesn't love me, I rather be dead."
Again Nikki just laughs at me as he drags the nubs of his fingernails down my sore brutalized chest. I press my eyes shut again. "You made your own bed Fireball," he pants in my ear, "Maybe if you would have held him more...kissed him more...told him you loved him more he'd be here now to save you." His hand palms my shit again and his middle finger invades me. "You know, in this light you look just like a girl. Is that what got Izzy off about you? Did he like you to dress up as a girl for him? Did he whisper in your ear how beautiful you were?"

I shut my eyes and let the tears fall freely. Izzy didn't love me. Nothing that Nikki could do to me mattered anymore.

And again I hear the leaves of the corn stalks blowing together. I feel the ground under my back. I draw in my breath and can feel Izzy caressing my cheek. It's so gentle. "Open your eyes," I hear Izzy saying. And I do. We are lying side by side facing each other. "You don't ever have to be afraid when you're with me," he whispers. "I'll always be here to keep you safe. I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again. Not if I can help it. I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you." I know this is true to him from the intensity in his eyes. Izzy always looked so serious, even as a kid.

I push his brown wavy hair behind his ear, "Please don't ever lose me."

"HELLO!! Earth calling!!" Nikki yells as he cuts my other thigh. "You ready for me baby? I should probably tell you that I've never done this before...it might just hurt a little," I see his teeth glint as he bends to bite the soft flesh beside my balls.

Nikki sits on his knees between my thighs and begins looking for the right place to aim. I turn my head away. I try my best to disappear from all the unwanted memories I couldn't throw away or bury. "Stay with me Billy. You're safe here with me," I hear Izzy saying in my head. That's it Axl. Just stay with Izzy where you're always safe. This was the same thought that kept me safe from my father...well a part of me anyway. I couldn't keep him from taking my body. I couldn't keep him out of my head. But even when Izzy wasn't with me, he was still there in my heart. My love for him got me through several years of a botched childhood. He promised to take me away from that place, and he did.

Even when we were having to whore ourselves out to this fucked up industry, I could always look over and know I would see Izzy's face. And I would feel safe, despite whatever bad thing was happening to us. We were safe in each other's hearts. They could beat us, rape us, degrade us, but they couldn't touch our hearts. We kept those safe guarded. But everything else died slowly. But we had one another. I had taken izzy for granted I guess. I thought he would always be there for me. But he's not here. He's only here in my heart. And it hurts more than anything Nikki is doing.
He's fast and brutal. I don't even care for the pain, because my heart it's broken to a thousand pieces. I don't move, I don't whimper, I don't cry.

When he's done, he bites another chunk out of my arm. I'm covered in bleeding cuts and deep bites. But I don't care.

"Kill me." I whisper again.

"Oh I will. Now that I had my fun, you're have no use for me anymore. Can't keep torturing you if Izzy doesn't care for you uh?"
He searchs for a good vein in my arm and I look at the needle with hope. He's going to off me with heroin. I can float away, be free, fly away.
Then I'm warm again. All the pain is gone. I hear a explosion, but what is dying anyway? Just melting, drifting, flying. And God I'm flying!
Izzy got me in his arms, I'm flying!

"Axl! Axl baby, wake up. Please baby!"
I don't want to wake up. I'm safe. I wonder for a moment who's screaming, but it fades.

"Help!" Somebody screams. "Somebody please help! Oh my God, look at his eyes! Axl!"

I look at the person screaming, and just for a moment I can see Izzy's face through the fog. My beautiful dark angel, my only love.
"I love you Izzy."