FicWad

Slash

My head is fucking spinning; Duff’s arms are around me holding me tightly against his and his lips on mine are sending the most wonderful jolts of pleasure through my whole body. His kisses aren’t hard and they aren’t sexual at the moment; they’re sweet and soft and deep and full of yearning and reassurance, and sadness mixed with elation. It’s a lot to take in but it feels wonderful to have his arms around me again so I take everything he gives and I try and give back as much as I can. One of his huge hands caresses my back and the other is looped around my waist and his fingers gently stroke the skin on my stomach next to my hip. My own arms are around his neck and I run my fingers through his damp, blonde, hair. He pulls back after a couple of minutes so that we can both catch our breath and he looks down at me. His beautiful hazel eyes hold so many questions and are full of a pleading hope tinged with fear of rejection. I don’t know what mine look like but there are so many feelings surging through me at this second that it’s hard to keep them all straight. I’m thrilled to be with him and excited to be kissing him; I’ve missed him. I don’t want these kisses to end, and I still love him; I’ve never stopped loving him I just didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else because it hurt too much to even consider.

At the same time my heart’s aching for Izzy. I hadn’t wanted to lose him, I hadn’t wanted to hurt him or cause him any pain but I feel like I did. He left me here with Duff intentionally so that he could go after Axl but I knew he was walking away from me because I wouldn’t leave him no matter how confused I was about my feelings for Duff. Izzy was just as confused as I was. I don't know what happened this morning between him and Axl but whatever it was it had made him cry. His eyes had been slightly puffy and red when he came back to our room this morning and he'd been just as distant as I was all day. It wasn't just what happened between me and Nikki that had been bothering him either; something else had been weighing on his heart and mind too, something painful and it wasn't memories of what Nikki had done to him. The look in his eyes wasn't angry and full of shame the way it was when he thought about what Nikki and Tommy had done to him. His eyes had been wistful and sad and I knew he was thinking about Axl. I know he saw that I was feeling something for Duff too; he had known it when he walked in on the insanity in our room this morning and had found me crying into Duff’s shoulder. That’s why he had given Duff such an evil glare over my shoulder; if he hadn’t known what I was feeling he wouldn’t have even acknowledged the fact that Duff had his arms around me.

I knew it was over between me and Izzy when we got back to the hotel and found out that both Axl and Nikki were missing. Izzy had immediately started freaking out, pacing up and down the hall and running his hands through his hair, and chain smoking in an effort not to outright panic. Then he had gone into savior mode; making plans in his head about how he was going to rescue Axl. That's what Izzy did; he saved all of us from bad situations but he hadn't been able to save years ago from his step-father and it haunted Izzy. He hadn’t been able to save him from sick record executives and he hadn’t been able to save him from that psycho who shoved a baseball bat up their asses; in fact he blamed himself for those things. I knew that he was hoping that maybe this time he could get to Axl before something horrible happened; this was his chance for salvation. I hoped that this time Izzy would get to be Axl’s hero.

Izz loved Axl to the depths of his soul and he always would and I had known that going into a relationship with him. Izzy had known that no one could ever take away the fact that Duff had been my first everything the same way that Axl had been Izzy’s. Duff and I didn’t have the history that Izzy and Axl had; we didn’t have ten years under our belt and we hadn’t had to help each other through as much trauma as those two had but I had still loved Duff with my whole heart and if I was honest with myself I knew that he had loved me too. The hard part for me was that I had also loved Izzy; I still loved Izzy. I still loved Duff. Why the fuck did it have to be complicated like this? I’m pretty sure Izzy knew that I was conflicted after this morning so he made the choice for me. It also helped to ease any guilt he felt about his feelings for Axl.

I don’t know what he would have done if Axl hadn’t disappeared but it doesn’t matter because he did and Izz is out saving him. It was something he needed to do and I would never have tried to stop him; I want Izzy to be happy and if this is what he needs to be happy I won’t stand in his way; he didn’t stand in my way now or in the past when he knew I needed Duff. Izzy needs for this to happen, being able to feel like he’s Axl’s hero might be the one thing that wiped out all of the darkness in Izzy’s soul. We all knew that Izzy was already a superhero in Axl’s eyes and that he had been from the first time he let Axl crawl through his bedroom window in the middle of the night when they were fifteen but Izzy couldn’t see it. He saw himself as a failure who kept letting Axl down; I hope that maybe that will change for him tonight. I hope that he’s safe, I hope Axl’s safe but I’m more worried about Izzy. He’s out there with no gun, running around looking for a psychopath who’s probably holding Axl hostage somewhere and Izzy’s got nothing but a blonde hairball for protection.

Axl was Izzy’s first love and he would be his last love; Axl’s name was tattooed on his soul. I might have a piece of Izzy’s heart but Axl will always be the one who holds part of his soul and vice versa. Nobody could understand or get to Axl the way that Izzy could; they owned the deepest parts of each other and it was beautiful; but it still hurt. Him hand delivering me to Duff was his way of breaking up with me and easing my hurt at the same time. He left me where he knew I'd be loved and cared for and protected. He must have decided that I’m safe with Duff again; guess he trusts him not to hurt me again. I wish I could say that I shared his confidence.

I realize that I’ve spaced out when Duff leans down and softly kissed my forehead and whispers
“Hey, you ok?” look up into his eyes again and realize that he’s just as confused as I am.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Do you mind if we go next door and get my guitar and stuff? You know I don’t like to sleep in a room without it,” I joke. Well, it was halfway a joke, I really didn’t like not knowing that my guitar was safe from Motley’s cans of spray paint; I didn’t want my baby to end up looking like Izzy’s prized white hollow bodied Gibson. I also want a fucking hit so bad that my mouth is watering just thinking about it because I’m so stressed out.

“Sure, you got the key?” Duff asks. I nod and we walk next door and I grab my guitar case and my cosmetic bag along with a change of clothes and Duff grabs my guitar stand and we make our way back to Duff’s room. I put everything down and walk out onto the balcony and light a cigarette; I’m so fucking confused. I don’t even know what to say to Duff after that amazing kiss and how I zoned out on him right afterwards. I decide that maybe saying nothing is best for the moment so I just stand and stare at the night sky and hope Izzy and Steven and Axl don’t end up getting killed or killing anyone else and how I’d really like to kiss Duff again…

Duff
So Izzy knocked on my door and hand delivered Slash into my care while he goes off to look for Axl who may or may not be in trouble. What the fuck? That motherfucker never fails to amaze me. It's like he's trying to return a stolen stereo or something. He outright stole Slash from me...now he's after Axl again. He could have called the cops. He could have called Nikki's management. But he didn't, and as they say, actions speak louder than words. So what exactly are his actions saying? Is he still in love with Axl? Is he coming back for Slash?

I look at Slash leaning on the wall just outside the sliding door to the balcony chewing on his fingernails. He doesn't really seem angry or anything. A little nervous, maybe a little sad, definitely lost in thought, but I guess that's to be expected. He must feel my eyes on him because he turns to face me. "What?" He meekly asks.
"Is everything OK?" I ask, "I mean what just happened with you and Izzy?"

Slash sighs and looks down. "Oh you mean about him going after Axl?" He's quiet a long time without moving. "Well... I don't know really. I mean... obviously he still cares." He shrugs and I’m not sure what to think. But then he looks up at me with tears in his eyes and says “You know he had to do it; save Axl I mean. It’s what he’s been trying to do since they were kids; maybe he’ll be able to do it before it’s too late this time.” His eyes drop and he lets his hair fall back down into his face and I know he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s crying from me but I know the little fucker too well. I just play along though and act like I don’t notice.

I can’t keep quiet for more than 30 seconds though. "Did he break up with you?" I can't help but ask.

"Um... Izzy doesn't really work like that... nothing is ever that black or white."
I guess I understood. Izzy didn't deal in absolutes much. But...where does it leave them? His eyes are still trained on the floor and I can hear him sniffle quietly behind the curtain of black curls that covered his face. “Are you ok Slash?” I ask him quietly moving a little closer. I want to wrap my arms around him and hug his skinny ass and tell him that he doesn’t need Izzy because he’s got me but I know that won’t go over well so I just settle for flopping down on the corner of the bed closest to him; that way he’ll know I’m there but I won’t look pushy. Fuck, when did I start thinking like a fucking chick?
"I'm OK," Slash nods, "guess I always knew he really would always love Axl. Both of our hearts still belonged to someone else; didn’t mean we didn’t love each other, we just loved somebody else more."

My eyebrows raise because I didn't expect him to say that. "Huh?"

His mouth curves into a bittersweet smile. He never looks up but I can see through the curls hanging in his face. "Guess the question now is...where does that leave us?"

My lips part but I'm temporarily a loss of words. "Us?...Slash...you ended us. You said you didn't feel safe with me anymore...that Izzy had never hurt you and never would but he obviously did because you’re standing over there trying to pretend you weren’t just crying over him. Now you want to ask me what's up with us? Fuck... I honestly don't know what to say to you." Honestly I just wanted to reach out and slap him for doing this shit to all of us. Oh I loved him. I wanted him back. However I'm still angry for going through all of this just to end up together again. And you know, how exactly does Izzy feel about all this? Or Axl for that matter?

“Duff you made this whole big production about how you wouldn’t get anywhere near your wife when she came to shoot that video, you made this huge deal about how you loved me too much to lay a finger on her. You picked me up and carried me to the bed from the bathroom and laid me down and had sex with me and promised me that you wouldn’t so much as touch her and then I walk into the bathroom and you’re balls deep in her cunt! Then you left with her and Axl and Erin and didn’t come back until like three in the fucking morning! Don’t even try and tell me that you were all out together because Izzy told me that Axl was back by midnight. I came back from getting wasted with the other two to an empty room and when you finally stumbled through the door you fucking reeked of pussy and that god-awful perfume that bitch wears. Do you even remember that or were you too drunk off your ass to remember how you climbed in bed with me and wrapped your arms around me complaining about how much you hated her before you passed out cold while I laid there and cried? You don’t remember any of that do you?” he asks angrily. “You broke my heart you bastard!”
I hang my head in shame. He’s right; I don’t remember any of that at all. The thought of him laying there in my arms crying while I was passed out drunk feels like a knife to my heart. But that thought isn’t the only thing that hurts.

"And do you somehow think that you fucking Izzy didn't break mine? More than once?!" OK maybe I'm getting defensive now, but fucking really?

“You married Mandy Duff! You left me alone for three days while you flew to Vegas and fucking got married! You didn’t go out there to just gamble and fuck strippers; you married her! I know what happened with Izzy hurt you and I’m sorry for that but god damnit Duff, you didn’t have to actually marry the bitch because Nikki told you to,” he throws back at me.

I just huff. "I married her so we could continue being a band! Did you really expect Nikki to just keep that sex tape private if I didn't?! What if he had done something even worse? Look at what he did to Izzy! I wish you never fucking introduced Nikki to all of us! He's destroying us!"

"Because we keep letting him..."

"I do believe it was you who was begging Izzy not to cut his dick off! I would have let him! But you stopped him. Now where is Axl? Where is Izzy? And where the fuck are we!?" Yeah, maybe I'm getting loud, but wouldn't you if you were in my shoes?

“I don’t know where we are ok? Then on top of you fucking that bitch you hit me Duff! You kicked me so hard that you broke my ribs and bruised the whole right side of my body! I could hardly stand up to play it hurt so bad! Izzy had to help me shower every night for a week and a half and then bind my ribs with an ace bandage and shoot me up for a second time so that the pain would go away enough for me to sleep!” he protests.

“Yeah, I just bet he helped you shower!” I growl.

“Don’t be such an asshole Duff, he didn’t lay a hand on me when I was hurting that bad; he didn’t sleep with me for a while because I was so fucked up because of you in more ways than one! He’s not the asshole you think he is! And tell me, how is me sleeping with Izzy any different than you sleeping with Axl? I sure didn’t expect to walk into Axl’s room and see your ass between his legs and hear you moan about how good he felt! What the fuck?!” he almost yells. “Was that some kind of revenge fuck for what happened with Izzy in the club that I don’t even remember? You beat me for kissing Izzy which turned out to be Izzy kissing me, I tried to tell you I didn’t do it but you wouldn’t listen, and then you decide that you need to fuck Axl the next morning? On top of that you have the nerve to act like you were the one who was so greatly wronged? Fuck that shit Duff; fuck that! Izzy might have hurt me by leaving me to go after Axl but he didn’t tear my heart into tiny little pieces and set them on fire with a fucking vodka fueled blowtorch!”

“Goddamnit I’m sorry ok!?! I’m sorry! I just got so fed up with how you’d manage to hurt me with Izzy over and over but I could never quite pinpoint anything you’d done after you slept with him until you kissed in that club and I just lost it! Now I’ve been watching the two of you hang all over each other for weeks and it’s been killing me! If you hadn’t fucked him in the first place last year none of this would ever have happened! Why couldn’t you just keep your fucking dick in your pants!?! I’m sorry I married Mandy trying to keep the world from finding out about us or worse, I’m sorry I got pissed when I saw you grinding up against Izzy with his tongue down your throat; forgive me for caring! I shouldn’t have hit you though and I never should have fucked Axl, it wasn’t like I planned it ok? It just happened! I’m sorry I’m not perfect like your precious Izzy! I can’t and won’t ever be like him and I’m fucking sorry!” I yell and I can feel my face turning red. I don’t even realize I’m yelling until Slash shrinks away from me and I see fear flash across his face. Fuck! I didn’t mean to yell at him or scare him, shit I hope I didn’t just blow any chance I had at getting him back! I’ve had way too much to drink since I heard him and Izzy going at it in the bathroom earlier and then I fucked Erin and drank some more…guess I really did have a vodka fueled blowtorch of destruction at my disposal and I kept aiming it at the one person that I never wanted to hurt; what was wrong with me?!”

“Oh my god, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m sorry Slash!” I blurt out and reach out to him slowly but he dodges me and backs away. Tears are streaming down his sweet baby face “I never wanted you to be him Duff; I just wanted you to be yourself and for you to keep your promises to me and you keep saying that you were trying to keep me safe from Nikki or the media or Axl or whatever but you don’t keep anyone safe by giving in and doing what people want you to do all the time! Remember the first fight that we had, the one about how you fucked that girl up against the wall at that party we had at the studio because Axl told you he would pimp me out if you didn’t? You’d promised me earlier that night that you wouldn’t do anything with anyone else but me no matter what Axl said, that you loved me and would never cheat on me but you did! Then you did the same damn thing with Mandy, tell me how much you love you me, swear that you would never, ever, touch the bitch and then you did it anyway! Fuck that’s how you ended up in bed with her the first time and I went after you that night because I wanted to prove to you that I was better than any fucking girl and I wanted to prove to myself that you wanted and needed me more than them! I should have just left you there with blue balls and gone to find Izzy that night! He’s always been there to pick me back up when you kick me down emotionally by fucking around with girls! He was there that first night when I saw you screwing that bitch up against the wall in that hell hole storage unit and he was there when I walked in on you and that whore you’re married to screwing on the bathroom sink and he was the one who held me when I cried every night after you decided to beat the shit out of me even though you were the one who cheated on me twice in one day! You thought I didn’t know and you had no plans of enlightening me either; I saw how pale you got when Izzy told you that I knew. At least I had the decency and the guts to admit to cheating on you with Izzy; you just hoped that you’d never get busted for fucking Mandy! You’d think that you would have learned from your mistakes; I know that you knew how much it hurt me to see you with girls, especially Mandy since you’re fucking married to her but you kept fucking them anyway and you always got caught! Were you trying to get caught? Do you get some sick sort of pleasure when I walk in and see you fucking some whore? Is that why you build me up telling me how much you love me before you do it? Do you enjoy watching how much more it hurts me when I find out?” he asks me incredulously.

“What?! No!” I babbled. What he said sort of threw me for a loop. He was right, every time I had cheated I had built him up, absolutely drowned him in love and affection and promises of how I wouldn’t do anything to betray him because I loved him and then I turned around and did what I promised him I wouldn’t do! Fuck! No wonder he reacted the way he did; he wasn’t just angry because I’d fucked some girl, he was angry because I’d promised him that I wouldn’t do it! That had to make it ten times more painful, it would for me if the situation is reverse, it just invalidated everything I had said about how much I loved him. Things make a little more sense now and man do I feel like the world’s biggest asshole! “Shit Slash, you’re right, I did promise you over and over that I wouldn’t lay my hands on anyone else and then I went out and did it..I wasn’t trying to lie to you either, I do love you more than anything and I never have wanted anyone but you since the night we kissed for the first time; I’ve been on fire for you ever since! I don’t know why I did that, I guess I just wanted to reassure you about my feelings for you but it only made it worse in the end. I’m so sorry Baby Boy…” I tell him with tears streaming down my face. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, preferably with me. I love you, I’ve always loved you; I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and I fucking mean that! I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me but I hope you do because I love you more than anything and I’ll whatever it takes to make you happy; even if that means letting you go,” I tell him, silently praying that it won’t come down to me letting him go to make him happy.

“You really want to be with me for the rest of your life? You mean you want to put a ring on my finger the way that Axl did with Izzy? That kind of forever?” Slash asks with a slightly incredulous look on his face.

“Yeah, like that,” I answer. “But not like this, not in the middle of an argument, not when things are so raw for both of us, when it’s the right time I want to do it how it should be done. I want to get down on one knee and surprise you with a ring, I want to carry you over the threshold of our first house, so not right now but just know that I want to work towards that. I can’t imagine a future without you, I can’t imagine building a life without you. You’re not just my lover you’re my best friend. I’ve been so lonely without you around. Sometimes I’d think about how I couldn’t wait to tell you about something and then I’d realize that you weren’t around to tell and my heart would break all over again. I hated being away from you. I love you Baby Boy. I told you before, you’re it for me; you’re all that I want from now until forever and that’s never going to change,” I all but whisper because my throat’s tight with unshed tears.

I look up at him and he’s just staring at me with tears running down his face. I hesitantly hold my hand out towards him; unsure of whether or not he’ll take it or shove it way but his fingers find their way into my palm and I close my hand over them. I have him in my arms in an instant and he buries his face in the spot where my shoulder meets my neck and sobs. I stroke his hair with one hand and hold him close to me with the other one. “Shh Baby Boy, I’m sorry I yelled at you, I’m sorry for this whole mess with Mandy and I’m sorry it’s been such an awful day. I’m sorry about what happened with Nikki earlier too, but all of it’s over now” I soothe. When I mention what Nikki did to him he grips the front of my shirt like he’s holding on for dear life the way he did when that trucker attacked him, the way he did the night that Zutaut guy groped him in the hallway outside of Izzy’s room, the way he had in the car on the way home after those two guys from Virgin fucked him and my heart crumbles. Even after two years he’s still that vulnerable, scared kid inside when it comes to those sorts of things and right now he’s clinging to me and not Izzy. Damn straight! It was me who knocked Nikki off of him this morning, it was me who punched those two mother fuckers out! It wasn’t Izzy for once and it was me who sat and held Slash right after it happened and calmed him down, me. Feeling his warm, skinny, body in my arms feels like coming home and I realize that no matter what happens he’s still my Baby Boy when he’s in my arms and I don’t think that those feelings are ever going to change for me. I love him too much for my own good. It’s impossible for me to stay angry at him when he’s clinging to me and crying into my shoulder like this. I just sigh and give in to the urge to comfort and hold him and I just stand there rubbing his back and talking to him quietly until he settles down enough to talk.

"Duff... you were really the only serious relationship I've ever had. You've been through a lot of things that are all firsts to me. Yeah, I've probably made a lot of mistakes, maybe I always will, but maybe I learn from them...I mean, I don't know yet...but I’m trying! Hopefully maybe you’ll learn from yours this time too and if you tell me you’re not going to fuck somebody don’t fuck them, otherwise keep your mouth shut! I won’t hurt you if you don’t hurt me ok?” he asks looking up at me with tear-filled, brown eyes. Like I could say no to that look.

"Yeah," I nod with a sigh. "So... you still love me?"

“Do you really even have to ask that? Of course I still love you! I wouldn’t be standing here crying if I didn’t!” he huffs.

"And you want to be with me again?" I ask trepidatiously. My heart will literally turn to dust in my chest if he says no.

He nods, "You know, only if you want..." his eyes look down as a tear falls. He sniffles and wipes his nose on the back of his hand. "I wish we could hit rewind and start all over..."

I let go of the breath that I was holding. "Me too Baby Boy, me too," I sigh and pull him close to me again. He looks up at me and I bring my hand up and stroke his cheek and move some of his curls out of his face and tuck them behind his ear. Then I cup the side of his face with one hand and bring my lips back down to his. The kiss is soft, and sweet, and deep. He softly rubs his hands up and down my sides as he kisses me and makes a small, content, sound when I lazily twirl one of his curls around my finger. He smiles into the kiss and cups my face for a second before moving to skim the backs of my arms with his callused fingers. I trace patterns on his bare back; I’d forgotten how soft his caramel colored skin really is. He looks cute and hot at the same time standing there in it. I trace the shape of a heart on his back and get a quiet, happy, sigh in response. “I love you,” I whisper to him, staring into his eyes when I say it.

“I love you too Duffy,”he breathes and I can’t help but grin. We kiss for a few more minutes and I don’t want to let go of him but eventually I have to. He heads into the bathroom for a shower and I call Doug to check and see if there’s any word on Axl or Nikki. I also grab all of Mandy’s stuff and put it back into her suitcase; there’s no way that bitch is setting foot back in this room. Doug says that there’s no word yet and that he’s got people out looking for him and Izzy and Steven and that he’s praying that no one loses a limb or shoots their eye out; I don’t think he quite understands the seriousness of the situation, Izzy’s not out there with a Red Rider BB gun, he’s out there with a Beretta and he’s hungry for blood. While I’m on the phone I tell Doug to find my wife and give her and Erin the key to the empty room at the end of the hall tonight and in every hotel that we’re staying in on this leg of the tour, that she’s not staying in my room anymore. I couldn’t just kick her out in the cold, she’d been pretty nice to me up to this point. Erin seemed to need a place to go too so what the hell. I open the door and hand Mandy’s suitcase to one of the two Hell’s Angel’s posted outside and come back in when I hear Slash yelling my name from the bathroom. Before I open that door though I have to stop and scratch my crotch, it’s fucking itching like a mother fucker! Come to think of it I’ve been itching since I got out of the shower, maybe I’m allergic to the soap or something…

When I open the bathroom door Slash is sitting on the toilet with a needle in his hand and blood running down his arm. He looks up at me sheepishly. “Could you maybe, you know, do this for me? You’re better at it than I am. I sigh and shake my head, I wish he would quit but that’s too much to hope for. His arms aren’t all bruised up so at I know that Izzy’s been shooting him up. Somehow that bugs me even more than if Slash had been doing it himself because Izzy obviously cared if he bothered to dose out his smack and shoot him up instead of letting him struggle through it himself. Sick kind of love in a way but they were both addicts, shooting Slash up so that his veins weren’t all fucked up was Izzy’s way of showing affection. Guess it was one of mine too. I kneel down in front of Slash and stretch out his arm. He pulls a belt tight around it and I feel around for a vein and slide the needle under his skin. I pull the plunger back slightly when blood flashes back into it to make sure that I’m really into the vein and when more blood flows into the syringe I push the plunger down and Slash drops the belt. A few seconds later he groans in pleasure and slumps over into me.

“You ok?” I ask him.

“Way better than ok,” he replies. I just shake my head and stand up in front of Slash and pull him to his feet. I bend down and swing him up into my arms and carry him out to the bed. I lay him down carefully and crawl in beside him. He snuggles into my chest and I flip the TV on and wrap my arms around him. I might be in fucking Alabama but with my Curly Sue back in my arms I feel like I’ve come home. Home, at least for me, is wherever we’re together.