FicWad

Axl

The clouds above my head are rolling in fast with a beautiful display of thunder and pink lightning. I speed up my pace to make it to Izzy's before the bottom falls out. It's summer, so there's no school tomorrow. I had slipped out of church undetected, but I knew they would soon realize that I was gone. Fuck em. I just couldn't sit there any longer and listen to the empty words coming out of Reverend Beetle's fucking mouth. It was all fucking lies!

A neon bolt of lightning breaks through the sky and shutters everything around me. A clap of thunder immediately follows and I feel the drizzling start. Izzy's mom would be at work. His brothers would most likely be doing their own things. Plus this storm would be keeping everyone inside for a while. This is all perfect. I really needed Izzy right now, needed to feel that calmness he radiated.

I walk up to his door and knock. Through the glass I can see him coming from the kitchen. He sees me and smiles. He opens the door and realizes that the rain is starting. A bolt is sizzling lightning makes him jump. "Billy, what are you doing out? It's raining..."

I step up to him and grab both his wrists. "Come on," I whisper to him. I so want to smile but I just can't.

"What? Out in the rain?" He smirks but let's me lead him anyway.

I just keep walking backwards with my eyes fixed on his. "You say you love me, right?" I ask as I feel wet corn stalk leaves hitting the back of my arm as I pull Izzy into them.

"Yes," he says.

"I really need to show me," I say and continue back, going even deeper. The rain picks up quickly. Our clothes are quickly saturated. I finally stop. Izzy immediately kisses me as thunder rumbles all around us. His hands go to remove my shirt. I grab his wrists again. "Wait... Izzy... I need to know for sure, if you really really mean it."

His brows furrow at first, but relax. "OK Billy. How do you want me to show you then?"

"By showing me you trust me."

"How?" He shrugs.

I reach out to his pants and start to undo them. He looks down at my hands smiling shyly. This certainly wasn't seeming very out of the normal to him yet. He thinks it's going to be like all the other times he's been with me out here in this damn field. And then we're both naked. Izzy moves to kiss me again and I turn my head. "Izzy wait... need you to let me do it to you."

"Uh...what?" He asks and truly looks terrified.

"If you really love me you will trust me. I need to know that I'm not just some fuckhole to you. I gotta know Izzy. There's gotta be more than this." And I felt just in saying it. I love Izzy but the only way to know if he means it too... He's the one who has always fucked everybody. He doesn't understand the difference in the feelings of the one who gives it and the one who takes it. And I don't know how it feels to have the power of giving it. I had to fucking know. And if Izzy truly loves me he will let me.

His lips slightly quiver as they part, "OK Billy." He slowly gets on the ground looking up at me the best he can with the rain pelting down on his face. The sky crackles and goes bright from the lightning again. The ground rumbles with a brewing clap of thunder. I'm sorta shocked he said yes. At the same time my heart swells because at that exact moment I knew he really did love me.

I quickly get on my knees between his thighs and kiss him. I reach down and grab my dick. I start roaming for some entrance. Izzy pulls his lips away. "Down a little."

I move my dick down a little, "There?"

Izzy nods at me. So I shove my dick right in. Izzy's back arches. His mouth opens and he screams. His hands start to push at me. "Billy no!"

"What?!" I shout out in shock.

I can feel Izzy shaking. His face clearly reflects pain. "Billy you gotta go slow!! You can't just RAM the son of a bitch in!!!"

I can't resist the smile now. "I'm sorry Izzy," I laugh.

"Would you stop laughing before I push you off?! Just calm your virgin ass down!!"

"Now neither of us are virgins," I say just as I kiss him.

"I love you."

"CLEAR!!"

The thunder rolls. My breath races. Izzy is gripping at me as my hips slowly move me in and out of him. I can feel him getting hard too. This feels amazing. Izzy growls as I kiss him. I can feel his hand grab his dick. I can feel the pressure inside of me building up like an explosive sneeze. I'm so close.

"CLEAR!!"

"Now we belong to one another forever," Izzy whispers in my ear as we ride our orgasms down.

"I had to see what makes you so special."

"Call an ambulance!"

"CLEAR!!"

"Stay with me Billy. You'll always be safe with me."

"HELLO!?!? Earth calling!!!"

I gasp and open my eyes. Everything is dim and fuzzy, and I wonder if this is like death looks from the other side. I try to move, but my body responds with a brilliant shock of pain. I can't be dead, I mutter. A dead person cannot possibly hurt as much as I'm hurting now. Unless I was in hell.

Yes, definitely hell. I remember Nikkis words and my chest tightens. Izzy didn't love me. Not anymore. Dying did nothing to ease my pain. I let out a sound that seemed anguished even to my own ears.

"Axl! Axl it's ok !" I hear and I'm fighting for some reason. Pushing away arms that are trying desperately to hold me. I'm overwhelmed by confusion and rage and a primal need to run away.

"Axl! It's me! It's Izzy! You're safe! Calm down!" Izzy? I open my eyes and see him. He gives a sad smile and strokes my cheek. "It's OK. You're safe here with me," he says softly as a tear falls from his eye.

Who is this stranger? He looks like Izzy and talks like Izzy, but I know it's not him. I'm being tricked. Yes, reverend always said the Devil was the master of disguise.

"You gotta lay back. Try to rest," he tells me. He helps me lay back. His eyes float in tears. Jesus, how bad off am I? I feel pain in my chest, my stomach, my legs, I fucking hurt everywhere. I try to remember what had happened. It's fuzzy, like watching TV with the antenna all out if whack. But I keep see Nikki hovered over me laughing. I still feel afraid. I'm not supposed to feel this way dead. I choke back my own tears. I am more pissed off than hurt. I wanted to die . To cease . To exist and hurt no longer. Insted I'm faced with a cruel mockery of my desperation.

"I thought I was gonna lose you. You almost died. Nikki shot you so full of smack...I thought you were gonna die in my arms."

"Who are you? What do you want from me?" I ask, too desperate to cry. Hell is eternal. My suffering was never going to end.

"Axl...oh fuck! Billy! It's me, Izzy! Don't you recognise me darlin? "

The stranger looks at me with a face contorted in pain. Fuck, this evil thing was good, it almost fooled me for a moment.

"Go away from me, belzebub. I know you're not Izzy. Izzy is with Slash, and you don't fool me." I sneer at the beast.

"Axl, darlin," he sobs, "I'm here baby! I'm Izzy!"

I can feel my pulse picking up my rage and the monitor starts making a wild noise. I see a woman come rushing to me, but I'm quicker, I jump from the bed and rip all the crap attached to my body. More are coming, and the Devil keeps screaming at me, they are all screaming. But I tell them. If they get near me I'll jump out of the window, after all, is not going to kill me is it? I'm already dust. But some of the bastards have me from the back and I kick and jump and shit is flying everywhere. I feel my legs getting heavy and my white gown is soaked in blood. Blood, blood ,everything is blood coloured, they are laughing at me!

I slump foward, and the last thing I see is Izzy, my lovely Izzy, he's singing in my ear, I know the song, I know the song, we wrote it..

**

I have been awake now for some time, hearing hushed talks in the other end of the room. The stranger is talking to a doctor, if that's possible, they're trying to make me think I'm in a hospital, and things like psychosis, trauma and time reach my ears. The stranger sobs, and I feel curiosity. If the devil is going to fuck with me, I think, maybe I can fuck with him too.

"Izzy," I croak, "where am I?

He rushes to my side, his anxious looking face hovering over mine. His scent floods me, nicotine and sweat ,that particular sweaty smell that was so him, my breath hitched and I looked away.

"In hospital Fireball, safe. How are you feeling? "

"I don't know. " I didn't, not really. I hurt like hell, and was confused. It all seems too real to be a trick, yet I knew better.

"It's ok darlin. It's ok. " He kisses my hand and I feel like screaming. It's too much, too painful, and I start to cry.

My mind wanders off again. He said he thought he was gonna lose me. But he had lost me. Real Izzy had lost me when he ran straight to Slash. I may have been the one who broke things off, but how can I ever look at him and not feel that pain. Right now it's more than I can bear thinking of.

"Axe," Izzy barely says as he looks down, "did Nikki..."

Did he? Wait...where was Nikki? He wasn't in hell with me, so he must be plotting still, now that I was out of the way.

"Did you hear me Axe?" Izzy asks looking at me for a split second before glancing down again. "You were both naked when I found you..."

I sigh and stare aimlessly out the window. "I don't want to think about it right now."

"It's a simple yes or no question, did Nikki fucking rape you?"

I nip the inside of my lip at the hard real sound of the word rape... I didn't want to think about it, much less have The stranger make me think about it. It was just one more notch in my belt, right? He didn't exactly tear me apart the way Tommy had Izzy. It was rough and viscous, but it wasn't the worst. I'd been hurt far more before.

"Please tell me," his words come out with a tremble. I can feel him take my hand. His hazel eyes look over me intently. "Was I too late?"

"You already know it. The devil knows everything." I sigh, "yes...it happened."

Izzy let's go of my hand and both his hands go to his head. I can hear him crying. "Darlin I'm so sorry! I came just as soon as I realized...I'm so fucking sorry..." he leans over me and hugs me tight.

I squirm, shocked at this display of emotion. This thing was very, very good and I feel angry at it.

"Izzy... there's more," I whisper.

"What?" He asks pulling away to look at me again.

"Izzy...it wasn't just me..."

"What are you taking about?" He asks.

"I'm talking about you. Nikki fucked you too, the night we met him. Hes been obsessed with you because of it. It hurt him that you don't remember it happening. Everything, all of it has been to get back at you. He really is certified crazy."

Izzy blinks a few times. "I fucked him?" He barely manages to ask me.

I nod and look down. -Take that one belzebub. You don't know everything then-

"No," Izzy shakes his head, "I would have never..."

"It was after you fucked Tommy and went back to Nikki's room. He got you high. He took off your clothes and he fucked you. When it was over you told him, 'I love you Fireball.'"

He shakes his head in disbelief, "No. No he made it up...He made it up just to fuck with your head."

I was getting really nervous now. The reverend said that the devil knew everything. Always.

"No. I looked him right in the eye. He wasn't lying. It's the only thing that makes sense." I look up at him just as another disbelieving tear rolls down his cheek.

Izzy sits on the side of my bed sobbing.

"Oh my god Axe...it's all my fault?"

I don't have the heart to say yes. It sounds stupid that I should protect belzebub, but fuck. Maybe if I play his game I can get away from him.

"He wanted you to suffer because he loves you...he's fucking mental...Izzy, how did you get me away from him?"

He looks over at me and I watch his eyes go cold. "I fucking shot him."

My heart skips a beat. Do demons go around shooting people? "D...,Did you kill him?"

He shrugs, "I was aimed for his head. Steven pushed me. The gun went off and Nikki dropped down on top of you. I don't know where I hit him. I don't know if he's dead or alive. Cops came. Paramedics. They started asking questions. Steven told them that he did it but that it was because he was about to kill you. They took him for questing and let me go with you."

I sigh, "Great, now the cops will be coming for you."

"Let em," Izzy says, "I did what I had to do. Whatever it took..." he looks down with a sigh."I... I couldn't... I can't...live in a world without you in it. I don't give a fuck if I go to prison forever...not as long as you're safe. But as usual I let you down."

I'm more confused than ever. Could this be real? Was I really alive, in a hospital? Was I falling for the trick?

" He shot me full of heroin, walked out the door, and now I'm just like Desi. Dead."

His tear soaked eyes meet mine. "No. Not as long as there's a breath left in me. I love you darlin. No matter what... I'll always love you."

"Don't say that...you can't say that sort of stuff to me when you have Slash," I mumble and look out the window. It hurts so fucking much.

"Ask me where he is," Izzy softly says and I feel him taking my hand in his.

I slowly look at his hand holding mine. He was wearing his ring. His ring? Izzy?

"I left him with Duff...it's where he belongs. It's where his heart still is. And you still have mine. I was a fool and I'm sorry."

"Izzy," I say, my breath strangled with emotion, "it's really you?"

" Yes baby, its me!", he smiles, "Tell me you still love me," he says and kisses my hand softly.

Oh god, this is worst than being dead, I'm alive as alive could be, or wasn't I?

" Nothing has changed for us. Neither of us has changed. There need to be a change between us. There's no way we carry on the way we are...and we can't just pick up the blocks where they fell. We're toxic to each other..."

"Toxic?" Izzy asks and the way he says it is so painful. This is all way more than I care to deal with right now.

"You think we're toxic? No darlin, we're toxic to everyone around us. Everyone who gets too close to us finds nothing but pain...or death. We've always been in everything together. No one will ever mean shit to us but one another. We love each other. I love you Axe.,"

" You hurt me Izzy," I cried, "You gouged out my heart with a fucking spoon and fed it to me. Now you say that's all over and you're sorry and shit... I still haven't gotten over it, and I don't know if I can. Either way I have so much shit going on right now, I'm confused, just...just go back to Slash."

"Just go back to Slash... I just told you I love you. Slash was a mistake. I m sorry Fireball. Please forgive me!" Izzy says with complete sincerity.

And I do want to forgive him, but I don't want to give him the impression that he can just do this shit to me anytime he feels bored or unloved. I might love him to the end of the world and back, but I won't be his fool. I'm nobody's fool. He broke my heart. Does he think that some feeble 'Im sorry' has just magically put it all together again? No. It's not that easy. He has to completely earn my trust and respect back, because it's all gone.

"I want to forgive you Izzy, I just can't do it at the drop or a hat because you finally realize that you still love me."

Izzy just blankly stares at me. A tear rolls down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away. He nods, "I'm gonna make it up to you. I'll die trying. You'll see, you mean everything to me. We belong to one another forever," he holds up his left hand to show me the ring, "Forever. All you gotta do is give me a chance to prove it to you. Can you do that?"

I nod. Izzy kisses my hand with tears on his cheeks. Then he starts to slide into the bed next to me. He carefully takes me in his arms. I hiss as I move at all the slices in my chest. My entire chest is bandaged up. I feel Izzy kiss the top of my head. God it feels so good to be in his arms. I want so much to believe that everything just might be OK. But I know better. That's just a beautiful dream, nothing will ever take us back to the cornfield in Indiana. We will never be those two kids again. We can't go back to that, no matter how much we both want it or miss it. Life had brought too many things our way. We had changed. Nothing can make us who we were. Nothing. The question we should ask ourselves is can we love each other as we are, can we change and grow old together? Can we get past all the hurt we've caused each other?

I guess Izzy is reading my mind. "We're gonna be OK baby," he whispers into my hair. "I promse you that. And this isn't just another empty promise, I honestly mean it. I love you Fireball."

If this is hell, then I'm glad to be in it. At least here, I'm with Izzy again.