FicWad

Axl

I dreamt of Versace, Gucci, and cheap imitation knock off's. They surrounded me, back me into an inescapable corner. They all wanted a piece of me. And as they started touching me the snap of a belt made them all turn and look. "This one's mine and I need to teach him a lesson." His silver hair is slicked back and his eyes look at me with impure thoughts he would later repent.

No matter how much I try to block him out, he always finds me in my dreams, and most nights he does find me.. And when he's here I feel like a helpless defensive kid all over again. It never stops.

"You're the seed of Satan.You are the fruit of his lust.". And now I know he's going to start quoting scriptures, but I already know then all. I know the holy Bible, forwards and backward. Truth of the matter is, faith is faith. it boils down to what you yourself believe. Does this make you wrong? If so, who's to say every one isn't wrong. I certainly don't believe the reverend's interpretations are the same as mine.

And I lay there in submission and listen to him tell me that he will purge the demon from my body and free my soul. And I just lay there and take it, believe it with the naivety of an obedient child. I just listen to the springs squeak and try to make a song of them. It's instinctual to be born believing that your parents know all. It took me a real long time to realize it was all lies. Steven Bailey didn't love me. Love would never hurt a child in such a perverse way. He controlled me. He controlled me with the God of God's, the King of Kings.

But scriptures turned into Tweed Suits and filthy words. Suck my cock, let me bend that pretty ass over, let me see you stroke it, stick your finger in my ass, oh god I'm gonna cum in your tight ass, swallow my cum, I'm going to cum on your face. Then there's the ride my dicks, get that ass up, stroke yourself while I fuck that ass, and the ever popular, get those legs up. And I did it all like the prodigal son.

But then there was Izzy. He was the complete opposite of everything I was taught to believe about love. He touched me so softly. His lips kissed mine wanting nothing in return but my heart. He was always perfect when it came making love to me. Nothing ever felt forced or that it was an obligation or punishment. But sometimes it takes a turn for something more primal. Sometimes it's downright an Olympic event. Sometimes I wonder if my views on sex are skewed. Maybe it's supposed to be loving and intimate. Long ago it had been. But now I'm finding that I've changed. After Sixx it just felt like something inside me changed too. I love Izzy, I honestly do, but after 12 years with a person this comfortable staleness come into play. What used to get you off now takes twice as long. But with little additions out of the norm, things get right back on track again. But my perfect dreams of Izzy almost always morph into something vile and ugly. I can't even dream of our happier times without seeing men's faces I didn't want to see.

"Fireball? Darlin you're just dreaming. You're ok, you're with me." Izzy's soft voice starts to bring me around.

I open my eyes to see Izzy looking me over cautiously, not daring to touch me. He knows that if he touched me in this state I would fight him off like a rapist.

"You wanna talk about it?" He whispers softly gently taking a strand of my hair and curling it around his finger.

I shake my head no. He already knows what I dream about.

"Want me to hold you until you fall asleep?" Which is the only comfort he can bring me in a time like this.

"No, I'm fine, just go back to sleep Izz," I sigh and roll back over. And I pray to myself that he doesn't press the issue and just lets it go.

I know he doesn't want to. I know he just wants to comfort me. He's the only person who has ever made me feel safe in my entire life. I'm just afraid the dream will come back and that I'll push him away. I don't want to do that. Izzy's all I have. But lately, it's getting harder and harder to feel safe in my Dark Angels arms. He broke my heart. He left me for Slash and I never thought he could do that to me. But how can I blame him? You can only push someone away so much before they just stop trying. And that's what I had done. I threw him away. I called him a useless piece of shit junkie more times than anyone should take. I don't deserve to have him anymore, no more than he deserves me. We have both wronged one another too many times. When does too many turn into enough?

But I just couldn't live with that fear of waking up next to him dead. But the truth is, he's already dead and so am I. What we once had is long gone. I'm not stupid, I know Izzy's only here now because he made himself responsible for me a long time ago. He was happy with Slash. Slash could give him all the love and adoration I couldn't anymore. They could have been happy, but I ruined it for them. There had been a time, long, long ago that I had made him smile. There had been a time that I could look him in the eye when he said he loved me and know it was true.

"Izzy," I whisper.

"Hummmm?" He drowsily answers.

"You were happy with Slash, weren't you?" I meekly ask.

"I'm with you darlin, not him," he yawns.

"But would you be...if Nikki never happened?" I say and it hurts to even think it to be true, but in my heart I question it.

He reclines up on his elbow and looks down at my shadowed face. "Yeah darlin, I was happy, but it was just a distraction...a distraction from losing you...the Axl I used to know. It's always been you. No matter how mad I get, no matter how many times you leave me...it'll always be you." And I see that intensity in his eyes. He's not lying, but he's not being completely honest with me either.

"But things would have been so much easier on you," I utter.

"One of us would have just overdosed. All we did was stay loaded to forget you and Duff. Slash doesn't love me like he does Duff...and Slash could never be you darlin." His fingertips trace my arm as he whispers in my ear.

"He's so much better to you than me Izz. I saw the way you lit up around him, and he did the same with you. It's not like that with us anymore. We're different," I shrug.

"You and I have a history no other lover could ever touch. I was your first friend, your first fuck, you were my first experience with a guy. We both had the same dream and now we're here living it together. I know I do a lame job of protecting you darlin, but I have tried. I'm that someone that your god made special just for you. You give me purpose," he talks so sweetly to me that its calming.

"Yeah, babysit the fucking basketcase so he doesn't off himself," I huff, "Izzy, it sounds like your only role in my life is to be my security blanket."

"That's not true Axe. You're everything left in me that's good. No one understands you like I do. And you know me and all my flaws, and you love me in spite of them, just the same as I love you Fireball. We're meant to be. Your higher power put us together for a reason, even if it is to hold each other up; and that's what we do darlin.,"

"I feel like I hold you back Izz. You didn't see how happy you were with Slash...." I look down shaking my head. "And I know why he made you so happy...it's because he reminded you of Billy."

Izzy almost looks faint and he doesn't say one word so I know I'm fucking right. All he can do is nod. "Yeah, in a lot of ways he did. Axe, don't you realize how much I love you? I dropped Slash with barely a goodbye because I knew I could never love him completely. I'll never be able to love anyone completely because you will always have a part of my heart and soul. I can only love you fairly because I love you with so much of myself. But I do miss Billy," his eyes start to tear up, "Billy used to hold my hand every chance he got. He would get me out of class just to kiss me. He told me he loved me. He though I was something so much better than what I've become. I was Billy's hero...but Axl...Axl only holds me when there's a reason. Axl has to have a fight picked with him to get any genuine feelings. Axl thinks I'm just a piece of shit junkie, you know, maybe I am, but Billy never called me that...Slash never called me that. I didn't have to fight with him so I could steal a kiss or get a hug. Neither of us had to have a nightmare to snuggle. Being with him was easy as breathing...but nothing could make him my Billy. And nothing could make him Axl. I love you Axe, I honestly do, but I'm not so sure if you still love me too. Are you only with me because I'm the only person you'll let comfort you?"

"I don't deserve you Angel," I say with tears in my eyes.

"I always thought that the story went that I didn't deserve you," he says with tears spilling from his hazel eyes.

"I've hurt you so much....my words have stabbed you repeatedly. I caused you to run to Slash. I know how much you need to be held and told that you're loved and needed...and somewhere over the years I just stopped doing that...and I'm sorry. You're not a piece of shit Izzy. You're the best person I know under all that pain. I know you hurt Izzy, you just deal with your pain differently than I do. I want to be able to love you like Billy did...but I can't undo all the shit that has been done. And it's not just me, you've changed too. You run and you hide. You numb yourself with smack just so you can't feel the pain. You don't know what it's like to live with the pain."

"Because you're a fighter Axe, you're stronger than I will ever be. In general you're just better Fireball, maybe I should have told you that more. I have so many regrets darlin...but you will never be one of them. I love you. I honestly do, above everyone and everything. I've loved you over half my life. How can I ever not? You're a part of me, like my DNA is programmed for brown hair and hazel eyes. You're programmed in my heart. I could never replace you with anyone who hasn't shared what we have together. You'll always be a part of me."

"But what does someone being a part of you really have to do with happiness? Sounds to me like I make you pretty fucking miserable. If Slash was available..."

"Stop it Axl," he cuts me off with a sigh, "let's not forget who fucked him first. Or Duff for that fact. You're the one who has lay down for the whole band, save Steven..."

Really, he wants to take cheap shots huh? "Yeah? And who's the whore who put Nikki Sixx in our lives?"

Izzy sits up and looks at me with the most hurt expression on his face. He looks away softly shaking his head. "Do you think I don't already blame myself for that? I was raped, you were raped, Duff was blackmailed into marriage, Slash was mouth fucked, and Steven snorted Comet. Don't you think I know that shit is all my fucking fault?! Well I guess now I know how you feel about me! Everything that's gone wrong in your life is somehow my fault! You're bringing up Slash because you didn't even want me back did you?!"

Of course I wanted him back. But not if it wasn't be where he wanted to be. "Izzy, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I blame Nikki for Nikki's actions, not you for apparently being an unforgettable lay. I guess I can't really blame the fucker for going all stalker."

Izzy just smirks and tries to not smile. "It can't go on like this...we can't go on like this," he shakes his head.

"I know," I nod, "but... I do still love you Izzy. I'm sorry I'm not Billy anymore. You have no idea how much I wish I could be just to see that light in your eyes again. We always tell ourselves that when we made it things would get better, but it hasn't. It's worse now as ever. When does it stop hurting so we can start living and loving again?"

"Maybe if we try...really really try..."

"Izzy...I promise I'll never leave you again. I don't want to be without you. And I do want to try to get back the love we once had...but you know it takes time after..."

"Axl, I'm not rushing you..."

" I know...but I also know you're a man with needs. You have my blessings to go grab a quickie with Erin. You're moody anyway."

"I'm moody??? Axl I don't want to fuck Erin."

"Well I don't want you to fuck him!"

"That's what you're afraid of? That I'll fuck Slash if you and I...that's why you keep pushing Erin on me?"

"The thought of you with Erin never bothered me...but the thought of Slash...baby it kills me," I say choking back my tears.

He doesn't say anything. He simply pulls me into his arms and breathes in my hair a moment. "I don't want you to hurt anymore darlin."

"And I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. if you wake up one day and can't find any shred of love for me, just leave...just run Izzy...promise me you'll do that."

"Axe..."

"Promise."

"Fine. I promise...but it's not gonna happen Fireball. You're stuck with me."

I meld into his arms, "I'm good with that."