Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Nikki
I lagged behind in the shadows as GNR took the stage. I could plainly see how tense they were. Steven was wearing a beer helmet and sucking on the straw every few seconds. His eyes seemed to uneasily dance about. Slash hid behind his hair wailing away at his guitar. He was doing his best to just vanish. Axl runs the length of the stage screaming into the mic until his face was red. He screams with the truest passion. He screams at those who've hurt him. Duff keeps one eye on Slash and the other trained on his bass. He appears to be a nervous wreck. Izzy stands in one four by four square and rarely leaves it. His eyes watch everything. He keeps looking to the other side of the stage. Finally a light hits that spot and I can see Erin standing there in a hat and sunglasses and her hair covering what they didn't.
I can't help but giggle to myself. I can't believe that cunt betrayed me. I bet she will think twice before crossing me again. I bet she looks like shit behind her disguise. There was a lot of blood when I was beating the shit out of her. I hit her until I knocked her ass out. I would have done even worse if T-Bone hadn't shown up and drug me away. I wanted to kill the bitch. I probably would have if Tommy hadn't stopped me from doing it. She opened up a can of worms she had no business opening. She knew to stay the fuck out of my diary. This wasn't the first time I had smacked her around for that. But she was like a fucking mule, sometimes one beating for her wasn't enough. This was definitely the worst beating I've given her.
I wonder if she cried to Axl first or Izzy? Probably both of them. The little whore liked them running a train on her. Erin loved being controlled, that was her obsession with me. I know Axl and Izzy have figured this out by now. They probably have her twined around their fingers so tight that there's no blood flow. I bet Izzy cleaned her up while Axl ranted on and on about me. Then Izzy probably shot her up. Izzy was pretty giving when it came to shoving needles in people's arms. Maybe that was the dealer in him, just hoping to gain more customers. Mommy's life did depend on his customers. But soon the music could do that. I wonder for how long he will continue to buy her life? Mexican Cartels don't fuck around. They wanted what they wanted when hey wanted it. Oh, your house burned down, fuck you, pay me. You broke your leg, fuck you, pay me. Izzy's mom will die if he doesn't obey their demands. And they don't want to lose their dealers. The dealer's are the ones who move their product to the masses. They get a territory and customers. It's bad for business when someone new has to take over an area. Usually the Cartels don't take to kindly to fucking with their business. And while Izzy may be important to them for business reasons, he's still quite expendable. They won't hesitate to cut off his fucking head if he crosses them. I bet Axl doesn't even know about any of it, not who Izzy sells for, Izzy would never tell anyone I bet. But I know. I can read him like a fucking open book.
I watch Izzy watching over his band mates and Erin with his watchful protective glare. To anyone who doesn't know it looks more like a curious wonder mixed with utter boredom and contemptuous feelings. There was a time when that gaze had my back too. But like everything, I fucked it all up. I let my pride get in the way. I should have just talked to Izzy the day after the party. I should have been smooth, like I am with chicks. Trust me, I have no problem getting whoever I want. Fuck, I even got Izzy. But the next day when I saw him there wasn't a single glimmer of recognition in his eyes. It was just another fucking day at the beach. There was not one ounce of awkwardness on his behalf...like it never fucking happened. What could I say? I couldn't find it in myself to have to say to him, since you seem to have forgotten, I fucked your brains out last night. It was amazing and now I'm completely in love with you. Izzy would have run for the hills because that's the sort of thing he would do. And I couldn't just flirt, as far as the world knew, myself included, I was straight until that night. Would have been awkward for all. All I could do was be his friend, his dope buddy. I admit, I got him in trouble with Axl for my own selfish reasons, not that any of them worked like I had planned. Still I always put forth my best effort.
I watch the utterly laid back hunch Izzy stands in as his cigarette dangles from his lips. He truly did smoke his cigarette with style. God I would have given him anything in this world. I would have taken him to the farthest edges of the earth. I would have held him when he slept and snuck him sweet kisses every day. I would have told him he was perfect. I would have told him how much I loved him. I would do everything he so desperately wants his fucking Fireball to do and be for him. Izzy needed extra love and compassion to compensate for how much of that he had lost. He sacrificed that part of himself to be out there on that stage. Also to be able to cope with everything that him and Axl had been through he had to build up a wall around his heart. Every record executive, A&R person, and club owner knows how the two of them were turned out time and time again. They laughed and made jokes about how they would cry or scream. They'd laugh at how they would try to get away. Seriously, everyone knows. That's how my record company came to throat fuck Izzy. But let's just say that after I made a visit to that guy he wouldn't be sticking his dick down anyone else's throat. I went to great lengths to make sure nothing like that ever happened to Izzy again. I protected him and he didn't even know. No one but me and Tommy has laid a finger on him since.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be mine. I fucked Axl just so I could tell him all about that night with Izzy. I thought it would have made Axl want to push Izzy away, plus Slash was in his bed and Axl was angry about it; but it didn't work out that way. Izzy was happy with Slash and that shit was not going to happen. If he couldn't be happy with me, then he would have no happiness at all. But when something bad happened to Axl Izzy naturally dropped Slash and went back to his place at Axl's broken side and Axl welcomed him back. Pity and comfort are the only things that even still exist between those two. That's hardly enough to still call it love. Misfortune was the mortar that held the bricks around them in place. But there's no joy anymore, that's plain to see. It's over for them and they both know it, but their joint misery keeps reminding them that they have no one but each other. Who else could relate? Who else had been there? That bond they held so tightly to was something I just couldn't break, and God knows I've tried my best to.
But Izzy doesn't even look at me as human anymore. I have made myself into the monster under his bed. I'm the stranger danger his parents warned him about. I'm the playground bully. I'm his soul's hate. But if I couldn't have his love then I would take his hate, at least in that regard I still exist in his world. I know I cross his mind daily. I know his heart races at every corner he turns or door he opens thinking I might be right there. All I wanted was his love; all I'm allowed is his fear.
Just then Axl catches my eyes on Izzy. I can see his eyes narrow and his growl become more primal. I just blow him a kiss and wink with a big smirk plastered on my face. He should be thankful that I took it easy on him. Half the time I was pretending he was Izzy. The rest of the time I was trying to imagine Izzy's love for him. Honestly I didn't see much to love. But I guess it just goes back to that impervious unbreakable bond. It couldn't last forever, could it? I mean there just had to be a point when they couldn't take being together anymore, right? I Izzy's already tasted the fruits of another love. But why the fuck did it have to be Slash? It should have been me.
I understand Izzy in ways Axl wishes he could. I totally get the need for smack. The money's good if you don't have a habit, but Izzy did. Most of the time it was just chipping and maintaining, but when it got bad it scared Axl. It wouldn't scare me. I wouldn't get pissed and leave him. I wouldn't feel the need to state the obvious, that he was a junkie, I am too. I wouldn't try to control his intake. Axl is starting to see Izzy as a cold hearted cheating bastard. But that's not Izzy at all. Izzy just wants more than he's being given. Axl can't give him what he needs because he's too damaged himself. But I could be everything he needs.
Now Duff has noticed me here and is peering at me with hate. I just give him a little fingered wave and look at Slash and lick my lips. Duff starts for me but Izzy quickly grabs his arm and shakes his head. Slash gets as far from me on the opposite side of the stage as he can. Axl throws an arm around Duff's neck and tells him something. Duff rolls his eyes and takes his place behind his mic to sing backup vocals. I just laugh at the terror I bring them. Taunting Duff is especially fun since he reacts so strongly to it. His love for and need to protect Slash is second to none; it even exceeds Izzy's so he's easy to mess with.
It's true what they say about love making a complete fool out of you. I'd never been in love before but when it happened I just knew. It's was as easy as breathing. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for him. Now there's nothing I haven't done because of him. There's just one thing left to do to hurt him. Just one tiny shred of hope and love lies unbroken...his precious Slash. And I will have him too. I will break Izzy by making him watch me do it. I will taint the only untainted thing in his world. Well somewhat tainted I guess but that kid was nowhere near as jaded as Axl or Izzy or even Duff; although Duff still had a good bit of innocent love and happiness in him too. Not for long though. I will ruin that kid. Every one of those damn Gunners had protected that little fuck from the day they met him and I wasn't really sure why except that maybe they saw in him something that they used to be before all of the unwanted sex and drugs and the myriad of other things they had been through. Shit, they turned out Steven before they would let anyone lay a hand on their precious lead guitarist. Hurting him would not only break Izzy it would break Duff and Steven and shit, maybe even Axl would have some feelings about it. They say that hatred is only love gone astray; pretty accurate statement. I couldn't hate these guys as much as I do if I hadn't/didn't love Izzy as much as I did.
Maybe when Izzy has nothing this hole in my chest will fill in. I know that's bullshit though, the hole was due to loving someone who didn't love me back. I don't get it, I did everything right that night. I fucking made love to him. I saw something in him I couldn't resist. Just the very essence of him drew me in. He's made me his captive just as much as I've made him mine. Would I ever be able to let go or let him go? How do I even do that? I can't stop loving him and because he doesn't love me my love has no choice but to become pain. I don't do pain very well, but neither does Izzy. And since pain is the only thing he still feels I dish it out in spades. I want him to hurt just as much as I do. It's funny how unrequited love has to be displaced when it's just one sided. If he only loved me back life would be fucking beautiful. We could be so damn happy.
But I wasn't even important enough to him to fucking remember sleeping with. All that romanticism I used, all of my heart, he just imagined it was Axl. He wanted it to be Axl. He needed that from Axl. But it was me who gave it. And Axl gets all the love there was in Izzy that night. It belonged to me and Axl owned it anyway. He may as well have been in the bed, he was in Izzy's mind. He was in his heart. I May as well have been invisible. All I was that night was Axl's surrogate dick.
I know he'll never love me. I know he'll never be mine. But reality has taken a back seat in my thinking process. I'm lashing out because I'm just a bastard who can't take rejection. It's never sat well with me. It's obviously an issue. I just don't know what to do with all this love I can't give. Even if I knew the right way to give it I still wouldn't get it in return. Izzy's made me feel more rejected than anyone will ever know. It hurts me so fucking much to see him touching anyone else. I don't know how to live with myself without him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I lagged behind in the shadows as GNR took the stage. I could plainly see how tense they were. Steven was wearing a beer helmet and sucking on the straw every few seconds. His eyes seemed to uneasily dance about. Slash hid behind his hair wailing away at his guitar. He was doing his best to just vanish. Axl runs the length of the stage screaming into the mic until his face was red. He screams with the truest passion. He screams at those who've hurt him. Duff keeps one eye on Slash and the other trained on his bass. He appears to be a nervous wreck. Izzy stands in one four by four square and rarely leaves it. His eyes watch everything. He keeps looking to the other side of the stage. Finally a light hits that spot and I can see Erin standing there in a hat and sunglasses and her hair covering what they didn't.
I can't help but giggle to myself. I can't believe that cunt betrayed me. I bet she will think twice before crossing me again. I bet she looks like shit behind her disguise. There was a lot of blood when I was beating the shit out of her. I hit her until I knocked her ass out. I would have done even worse if T-Bone hadn't shown up and drug me away. I wanted to kill the bitch. I probably would have if Tommy hadn't stopped me from doing it. She opened up a can of worms she had no business opening. She knew to stay the fuck out of my diary. This wasn't the first time I had smacked her around for that. But she was like a fucking mule, sometimes one beating for her wasn't enough. This was definitely the worst beating I've given her.
I wonder if she cried to Axl first or Izzy? Probably both of them. The little whore liked them running a train on her. Erin loved being controlled, that was her obsession with me. I know Axl and Izzy have figured this out by now. They probably have her twined around their fingers so tight that there's no blood flow. I bet Izzy cleaned her up while Axl ranted on and on about me. Then Izzy probably shot her up. Izzy was pretty giving when it came to shoving needles in people's arms. Maybe that was the dealer in him, just hoping to gain more customers. Mommy's life did depend on his customers. But soon the music could do that. I wonder for how long he will continue to buy her life? Mexican Cartels don't fuck around. They wanted what they wanted when hey wanted it. Oh, your house burned down, fuck you, pay me. You broke your leg, fuck you, pay me. Izzy's mom will die if he doesn't obey their demands. And they don't want to lose their dealers. The dealer's are the ones who move their product to the masses. They get a territory and customers. It's bad for business when someone new has to take over an area. Usually the Cartels don't take to kindly to fucking with their business. And while Izzy may be important to them for business reasons, he's still quite expendable. They won't hesitate to cut off his fucking head if he crosses them. I bet Axl doesn't even know about any of it, not who Izzy sells for, Izzy would never tell anyone I bet. But I know. I can read him like a fucking open book.
I watch Izzy watching over his band mates and Erin with his watchful protective glare. To anyone who doesn't know it looks more like a curious wonder mixed with utter boredom and contemptuous feelings. There was a time when that gaze had my back too. But like everything, I fucked it all up. I let my pride get in the way. I should have just talked to Izzy the day after the party. I should have been smooth, like I am with chicks. Trust me, I have no problem getting whoever I want. Fuck, I even got Izzy. But the next day when I saw him there wasn't a single glimmer of recognition in his eyes. It was just another fucking day at the beach. There was not one ounce of awkwardness on his behalf...like it never fucking happened. What could I say? I couldn't find it in myself to have to say to him, since you seem to have forgotten, I fucked your brains out last night. It was amazing and now I'm completely in love with you. Izzy would have run for the hills because that's the sort of thing he would do. And I couldn't just flirt, as far as the world knew, myself included, I was straight until that night. Would have been awkward for all. All I could do was be his friend, his dope buddy. I admit, I got him in trouble with Axl for my own selfish reasons, not that any of them worked like I had planned. Still I always put forth my best effort.
I watch the utterly laid back hunch Izzy stands in as his cigarette dangles from his lips. He truly did smoke his cigarette with style. God I would have given him anything in this world. I would have taken him to the farthest edges of the earth. I would have held him when he slept and snuck him sweet kisses every day. I would have told him he was perfect. I would have told him how much I loved him. I would do everything he so desperately wants his fucking Fireball to do and be for him. Izzy needed extra love and compassion to compensate for how much of that he had lost. He sacrificed that part of himself to be out there on that stage. Also to be able to cope with everything that him and Axl had been through he had to build up a wall around his heart. Every record executive, A&R person, and club owner knows how the two of them were turned out time and time again. They laughed and made jokes about how they would cry or scream. They'd laugh at how they would try to get away. Seriously, everyone knows. That's how my record company came to throat fuck Izzy. But let's just say that after I made a visit to that guy he wouldn't be sticking his dick down anyone else's throat. I went to great lengths to make sure nothing like that ever happened to Izzy again. I protected him and he didn't even know. No one but me and Tommy has laid a finger on him since.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be mine. I fucked Axl just so I could tell him all about that night with Izzy. I thought it would have made Axl want to push Izzy away, plus Slash was in his bed and Axl was angry about it; but it didn't work out that way. Izzy was happy with Slash and that shit was not going to happen. If he couldn't be happy with me, then he would have no happiness at all. But when something bad happened to Axl Izzy naturally dropped Slash and went back to his place at Axl's broken side and Axl welcomed him back. Pity and comfort are the only things that even still exist between those two. That's hardly enough to still call it love. Misfortune was the mortar that held the bricks around them in place. But there's no joy anymore, that's plain to see. It's over for them and they both know it, but their joint misery keeps reminding them that they have no one but each other. Who else could relate? Who else had been there? That bond they held so tightly to was something I just couldn't break, and God knows I've tried my best to.
But Izzy doesn't even look at me as human anymore. I have made myself into the monster under his bed. I'm the stranger danger his parents warned him about. I'm the playground bully. I'm his soul's hate. But if I couldn't have his love then I would take his hate, at least in that regard I still exist in his world. I know I cross his mind daily. I know his heart races at every corner he turns or door he opens thinking I might be right there. All I wanted was his love; all I'm allowed is his fear.
Just then Axl catches my eyes on Izzy. I can see his eyes narrow and his growl become more primal. I just blow him a kiss and wink with a big smirk plastered on my face. He should be thankful that I took it easy on him. Half the time I was pretending he was Izzy. The rest of the time I was trying to imagine Izzy's love for him. Honestly I didn't see much to love. But I guess it just goes back to that impervious unbreakable bond. It couldn't last forever, could it? I mean there just had to be a point when they couldn't take being together anymore, right? I Izzy's already tasted the fruits of another love. But why the fuck did it have to be Slash? It should have been me.
I understand Izzy in ways Axl wishes he could. I totally get the need for smack. The money's good if you don't have a habit, but Izzy did. Most of the time it was just chipping and maintaining, but when it got bad it scared Axl. It wouldn't scare me. I wouldn't get pissed and leave him. I wouldn't feel the need to state the obvious, that he was a junkie, I am too. I wouldn't try to control his intake. Axl is starting to see Izzy as a cold hearted cheating bastard. But that's not Izzy at all. Izzy just wants more than he's being given. Axl can't give him what he needs because he's too damaged himself. But I could be everything he needs.
Now Duff has noticed me here and is peering at me with hate. I just give him a little fingered wave and look at Slash and lick my lips. Duff starts for me but Izzy quickly grabs his arm and shakes his head. Slash gets as far from me on the opposite side of the stage as he can. Axl throws an arm around Duff's neck and tells him something. Duff rolls his eyes and takes his place behind his mic to sing backup vocals. I just laugh at the terror I bring them. Taunting Duff is especially fun since he reacts so strongly to it. His love for and need to protect Slash is second to none; it even exceeds Izzy's so he's easy to mess with.
It's true what they say about love making a complete fool out of you. I'd never been in love before but when it happened I just knew. It's was as easy as breathing. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for him. Now there's nothing I haven't done because of him. There's just one thing left to do to hurt him. Just one tiny shred of hope and love lies unbroken...his precious Slash. And I will have him too. I will break Izzy by making him watch me do it. I will taint the only untainted thing in his world. Well somewhat tainted I guess but that kid was nowhere near as jaded as Axl or Izzy or even Duff; although Duff still had a good bit of innocent love and happiness in him too. Not for long though. I will ruin that kid. Every one of those damn Gunners had protected that little fuck from the day they met him and I wasn't really sure why except that maybe they saw in him something that they used to be before all of the unwanted sex and drugs and the myriad of other things they had been through. Shit, they turned out Steven before they would let anyone lay a hand on their precious lead guitarist. Hurting him would not only break Izzy it would break Duff and Steven and shit, maybe even Axl would have some feelings about it. They say that hatred is only love gone astray; pretty accurate statement. I couldn't hate these guys as much as I do if I hadn't/didn't love Izzy as much as I did.
Maybe when Izzy has nothing this hole in my chest will fill in. I know that's bullshit though, the hole was due to loving someone who didn't love me back. I don't get it, I did everything right that night. I fucking made love to him. I saw something in him I couldn't resist. Just the very essence of him drew me in. He's made me his captive just as much as I've made him mine. Would I ever be able to let go or let him go? How do I even do that? I can't stop loving him and because he doesn't love me my love has no choice but to become pain. I don't do pain very well, but neither does Izzy. And since pain is the only thing he still feels I dish it out in spades. I want him to hurt just as much as I do. It's funny how unrequited love has to be displaced when it's just one sided. If he only loved me back life would be fucking beautiful. We could be so damn happy.
But I wasn't even important enough to him to fucking remember sleeping with. All that romanticism I used, all of my heart, he just imagined it was Axl. He wanted it to be Axl. He needed that from Axl. But it was me who gave it. And Axl gets all the love there was in Izzy that night. It belonged to me and Axl owned it anyway. He may as well have been in the bed, he was in Izzy's mind. He was in his heart. I May as well have been invisible. All I was that night was Axl's surrogate dick.
I know he'll never love me. I know he'll never be mine. But reality has taken a back seat in my thinking process. I'm lashing out because I'm just a bastard who can't take rejection. It's never sat well with me. It's obviously an issue. I just don't know what to do with all this love I can't give. Even if I knew the right way to give it I still wouldn't get it in return. Izzy's made me feel more rejected than anyone will ever know. It hurts me so fucking much to see him touching anyone else. I don't know how to live with myself without him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
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