FicWad

Axl

After tonight's show I take a quick shower. I find my thoughts wandering off to Izzy. He said he would wait, that he could, but I keep finding him getting sucked off by groupies or making out with Erin. I know he hasn't fucked any of them, otherwise he wouldn't be having wet dreams. I feel bad about last night; he'd left after I hit him and spent the night with Slash and Duff; at least I know with Duff there he spent the night alone. The guy is so sexually frustrated. A slight smile comes to my face. He's frustrated for me. He's waiting for me. He loves me. I can't keep putting him off. I'm healed up now, physically anyway. It's time and I know it. This is our last night in this hotel. We're bus bound again after this. We won't have privacy like this again.

When I get out of the bedroom Izzy's sitting on the bed with his acoustic in his lap gently strumming. He doesn't see me yet. I walk further into the room, still undetected. I reach over and touch his shoulder. He stops playing and looks up at me with a soft smile. "Hi Fireball," he says and strums a little more.

"Izzy I was thinking," I say. I can feel a lump forming in my throat.

"Oh yeah," he asks laying his guitar aside, "about what?" He looks up at me with intensely curious eyes.

"About you...us...about us," I swallow.

Izzy rests his weight back on his palms, "What about us darlin?" His expression has turned apprehensive, like he's not sure if what I have to say will be good or bad.

"I... it's...we haven't...since Nikki we..." Oh to hell with it. Actions with Izzy always work far better than words. I lean down and firmly press my lips to his. It only takes his arms half a second to pull me down onto the bed with him. He gives me one of those kisses that just tells you it can't get any better than this. And I so want to believe in that daydream.

I grab his wrists and push them up above his head. My teeth graze his Adams apple as he draws in his breath. His pelvis grinds up into mine. "Mmmm, this mean you want me Fireball?" He questions softly as my lips trail down his chest. I bite his nipple between my teeth and listen as he winces ever so slightly. "Easy darlin."

Fuck easy. I had been waiting just as long as he had. I knew he couldn't really wait a second longer and there was no chance in hell I was gonna let a line of whores beat me to him. He's mine. I need him now. I've denied myself the only person who brings me true pleasure long enough. It's just the two of us in this room. Nobody can ruin it. It's just me and him. I let go of his wrists and I reach down to his belt. I start jerking it open.

"Is there a fire?" Izzy smirks.

"Shut up before I gag you," I hiss jerking the belt free from his belt loops.

I'm wound up so much that I'd spin like a top if my feet touch the ground. I haven't wanted Izzy this much in a very long time. I'm just consumed in feeling. I'm lost on the ebb of this strange tide of desire. I've never needed to be inside him more. I jerk his pants down his hips as he just lays there looking up at me with a raised eyebrow. I know. I'm not usually this forceful right out of the starting gate. Truth is, I needed this even more than Izzy did. Not only have I deprived myself, but Izzy too. I've reduced his libedo to quick meaningless blowjobs from complete strangers. As for myself, I'm even more deprived.

I nip at his bottom lip as I start to come out of my own pants at marathon speeds. "Ouch," he winces and shoves me back a bit, "Goddamnit Axl, chill out with all the fucking biting."

I make no reply as I kick off my pants and pull my shirt over my head. I catch sight of myself in a mirror. It's little Billy again. A little kid undressing between a grown man thighs. Wow, how wrong is that? Why doesn't Izzy ever see him? He can't possibly only exist in my head and in a mirrors reflection.

"Axe?" Izzy breaks my daze. I look down at him looking up at me cautiously. "Where'd you go darlin?" His eyes divert down to my chest. A sad brokenness comes over them as his fingers trace over the scars that spell out Nikki. You know, raping me was something I could shove away and bury inside myself. But that fucking scar won't allow me to forget. Nikki had branded me with memories he wanted to make damn sure I couldn't ever forget. Even when I'm glaring at the falsetto features of little Billy it's still there. It pisses me off mostly, but Izzy...for him it's just one more thing to remind him that he couldn't save me that night either. And I think that was Nikki's main reason for doing it, just to torment Izzy.

I look away from Billy with a growl and take Izzy's lips with mine again. Billy can just fucking watch from the mirror. He's not fucking this up for me. I shove izzys thighs apart as far as they'll go and dip my hips down between them. I spit in my hand and coat my dick. I take Izzy's lips again as I line it up for entry and shove it in before he has the chance to object.

He turns his head to free himself of my desperate kiss. "Would a little prep or some warning be too much to ask?!" He seems a little pissed, but I just can't care.

"Shhhh," I say and turn his head to take his mouth again. I start to move my hips won't with my unbridled need to feel him. My movements are hasty and I just can't control it.

"S...slow down," Izzy pants and grips tightly at my biceps.

"Just shut up and take it Izzy," I find myself saying as I reach down and wrap my hand around his cock.

And he quits complaining for a while, save a few occasional winces. But his meekness doesn't last. "Darlin, you're being too rough." His eyebrows crease as he starts to push at my stomach, trying to stop me.

I sit up on my knees and look down at him laying here with a strained expression. I glance into the mirror again to see Billy looking down at Izzy too. "You're hurting Izzy," his childlike voice almost pleads with me. I flip Izzy over onto his stomach. I spread his ass apart and shove myself back in him before he can even respond with anything more than a pained grunt.

"Axe, stop it, what the fuck are you doing?" He asks looking over his shoulder. He tries to crawl away but I gab him by his hips and hold him in place.

I look back up at Billy in the mirror. "This is what the bad men did to you both," he softly whispers as a tear rolls down his cheek.

Izzys hands fist the sheets and he drowns his distress in the pillow. It's like I'm Billy. I'm standing outside myself and watching what Axl is doing to Izzy. And I know perfectly well that it's hurting him. I know there's zero enjoyment in this for him. But I just can't stop. Something inside of me has changed, twisted, grown misshapen and confused. The line between pleasure and pain isnt really distinguishable to me right now. There's always been others pleasure as a direct result of my pain. That door has to swing both ways. Maybe I shouldn't concern myself so much with giving when everybody just takes.

"No stop!" Billy screams at me. But the more I hear him the angrier I get. The more angry I get the rougher I get.

I glare up at the mirror. Billy's palms are pressed flat to it as he looks down with a tear soaked face at Izzy. He looks at me shakng his head. Izzy reaches both hands back trying to free my grip on his hips. "Axl what the fuck are you doing?!" I just look up at Billy banging his little fists in the mirror and begging me to please stop hurting Izzy. Izzy somehow manages to roll and slingshot me off him. His wide eyes stare at me, "You're fucking hurting me! What the fuck?!"

I just look over at Billy who is watching cautiously for the next turn of events. His expression anticipates all the bad that he seems to think is coming. And there's this pleading little voice begging over and over not to hurt Izzy. A ghostly reflection of a past me in the mirror now has a voice to further haunt me with. Why was he here? Why was he fucking with my head? Why wouldn't he just go the fuck away? I don't have time to go insane. There's the tour, the record company is sending us in the studio just after the first of the year... I don't have fucking time for this Billy bullshit.

"What the fuck do you keep looking in the mirror for?" Izzy questions looking over at it, "You getting off on watching yourself do that shit to me?!"

"No... I was..."I growl in frustration. I grab a lamp by the bed and hurl it into Billy's whiney little face. The mirror shatters and falls down on the floor.

Billy's little voice still rings in my ears, "Please don't hurt him." Why the fuck was he still here? I grip at my head trying my best to either pull it together or hold together whats left.

Izzy has no clue what the fuck is going on. He just backs against the headboard looking at me with true fear in his eyes. Shit. I fucked up bad didn't I? Maybe I should have fucked Erin instead, I didn't fucking care if I hurt her. But Izzy...Fuck I didn't want to hurt him but something in me just snapped. My dick throbs and I want him still.

"Izz...angel...I'm sorry. I got wound up...it's been a long time and..."

"That wasn't you being wound up. I don't know what the fuck that was, but it wasn't you being wound up. You...you were getting off on hurting me..."

"That's so not true," I huff, and probably for one of the first times, I'm lying to Izzy. I was getting off on overpowering him, over controlling him. And I know it's all fucked up and wrong...but I did like it. What the fuck is happening to me? I've never done anything like this before. It's so wrong.

"Well that's sure the fuck how it looked from my side," he pants and backs himself even further into the headboard.

"Darlin, I'm sorry," I softly say and slowly crawl closer to him. "I'm so sorry. Can we try again?"

"Not like that we ain't!"

"No. I know... I promise I'll take it easy. I'm so sorry baby...you're so beautiful and I want you so much," I reach out and lovingly strokes his cheek. He closes his eyes and a single tear squeezes out. "Don't you love me?"

"Of course I do...just..." his Shakey voice seems hesitant. Is he lying to me? Or is he just still in shock? I feel like he doesn't trust me. How can I even blame him for that? I don't trust me. He shouldn't trust me either.

"Do you still trust me Izzy? Like you did that first time for you out in the cornfield in the pouring rain? Do you still..." I swallow and just look at him. His mind is moving a million miles a second and I'm afraid it's moving away from me instead of to me.

Izzy nods and wraps his arms around me. "Always," he whispers.

My lips seek out his and I struggle really hard to tone it down. I still don't understand what came over me. That wasn't me. That was someone else... something else. Maybe ive been raped so much that... I don't know. Maybe the last shreds of my sanity have frayed away. Right now I'm not even concerned with the orgasm I know the sex will bring. I find myself thinking more like an animal, marking his territory. It's controlling izzy, but when the fuck have I ever been able to do that? Neither one of us has an ounce of submissiveness in bed. So what the fuck was my point with this?

Izzy's strange now. He doesn't know what to do. He says he loves me and trusts me...but I wouldn't trust me. Not like this. I don't even trust myself. Nor do I know if I can control this...this thing inside of me. Where did it come from? Why now? Why not years ago? Why fucking now? Things were supposed to be getting better, not worse. None of this is supposed to be happening. I just got Izzy back. I didn't want to lose him because my brain has turned inside out. I need Izzy. He's the only thing I fucking have to cling to. I have to be stronger than this but I don't think it's gonna give up, it wants me dead. Goddamn this noise inside my head.

So we try again. I keep my crazy thoughts and actions to myself and do as Izzy expects me to do. But he remains so timid. His eyes watch with this errie intensity. Izzy's always so cool, but I've got him truly scared. And why shouldn't he be afraid? I was doing something sexual he didn't like. I'm not stupid, I know where his head is. I feel like shit for putting it there. But in order for me to cum I have to imagine myself fucking him ruthlessly. No sweet kisses work. No loving words work. Only the most deviant thoughts from the darkest sections of my mind would work tonight. I've got to be going insane because it just doesn't make sense. Believe me I know how that felt and I know it's not pleasurable to be on the receiving end. But yet... And I love Izzy. Why am I getting off on some sick idea about bringing him pain? Why do I feel this need to dominate him? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm smoking a cigarette after Izzy falls asleep from his nightly fix. He slurred so bad when he told me goodnight. I know he doubled up on it tonight. And I know he did it because of what I had done. I bend down and pick up a shard of broken mirror. I hold it up to look at my reflection, but as expected it's Billy. His eyes are so confused, fuck maybe mine are too. Maybe I'm not seeing Billy at all. Maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm seeing him. The human mind is a very powerful thing. Is the power of suggestion is just in my head? Am I imagining all of this?

"Axl...please," I hear his words clear as day. I just close my eyes, drag from my cigarette and squeeze the broken piece of mirror in my fist. I feel it cutting into me. I just got stitches out of my knuckles from the last mirror I broke. I can't keep fucking myself up with mirrors. I can't keep seeing Billy.

"Just go away," I breathe and pray Billy doesn't answer.