Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...

I Walk The Line

by MaryJaneSixx 0 reviews


Category: Guns n' Roses - Rating: R - Genres: Romance - Warnings: [V] [X] [R] - Published: 2017-07-13 - 2454 words

My Brain reeled at what emergency there may be. By brain is going crazy contemplating possibilities. Somehow I knew Izzy had to be involved, otherwise he would have been the one handling such said emergency. So I went back to the hotel I to find out what was going down. I find Duff looking frazzled with huge tear soaked eyes. Slash is moaning and in fetal position. I can see bruises and cuts on him. Steven is frantically trying to explain but I can't follow him, he's not even making full sentences. Judging by the state Slash is in, a look I know far too well, he's in shock, and the desperation on Duffs face, I have only one name for what was hurting them. Nikki. I knew he wasn't done with us. The motherfucker won't stop unless he kills one of us, or until one of us put a bullet between his eyes.

But Izzy's not with them. "Where's Izzy?" I ask them. Slash cant, or simply won't respond. He just curls further into fetal position looking distraught. Hes bruised all over his face, arms, stomach, back, and legs and cut up and down his arms, I even see a little blood on his throat. Duffs eyes float about, obviously not wanting to tell me either. What the fuck are the trying to hide? I can tell they know something. And whatever it is, it's fucking bad. "Where the fuck is Izzy!" I shout at their zombified states. Duff reluctantly sighs.

"Nikki kidnapped us. Izzy got us out of there." He faintly whispers. "He told Nikki he would stay if he let us go..."

"Stay? Why?" I ask. I feel panic course through me. "Why the fuck would you let him do that?! Why didn't you go back for him?!" I scream.

"Cuz he's what Nikki's wanted all along," Duff explains.

My mind floods with all those diary entry of Sixx's that Erin had told us about."And Izzy fucking agreed to that?!" I fume. I didn't need Duff to confirm what I already knew, Izzy fucked Sixx.

"It was the only way to stop Sixx he didn't want to Axe. Please don't get in a huge fight over it," Duff practically begs. " It was the only way to save Slash!"

"You gotta help him Axl," Billy's voice infiltrates my head. But how? I know my dark angel is fucking that psycho. That's basically cheating. Billy assures me its like when the Reverend would do horrible things to me, that I provoked him to keep him off Amy! Izzy was just trying to play Savior and keep us all safe at his expense. I wanted to be pissed but I guess I understood. Izzy was doing what izzy did best, saving everyone and fixing shit.

It was a couple of hours before Izzy returned. We were all in vigil in Duff and Slash's room where we were holed up trying to soothe Duff and Slash. Billy was doing his best to soothe me. But I'm pretty inconsolable. I'd had the displeasure of fucking Sixx. I was so worried about Izzy. I was about two seconds from leaving and busting into that hotel room where Duff and Slash left him. Then a very faint knock came to the door. I answer the door and see Izzy there. He won't look at me. He can barely stand. His eyes droop and it's pretty obvious that he's been self medicating. I catch Izzy just as he was about to fall face first on the floor, his pupils the size of pinpricks, black circles around his eyes, and he's shaking, but not from drug or booze.

"How much did you take?" I ask. I immediately grab his arms to look them over. I see a few fresh in pricks

He pulls them away with what very little energy the heroin will allow him."Axl.." Izzy starts, but his eyes roll back. "Don't start, how's Slash?" He finally manages to mumble as i start leading him into the room Duff and Slash have.

I help Izzy inside and tears form instantly when he sees Slash all bruised and comatose. "This is all my fault. If I would have just..." Izzy has always carried blame on his shoulders, even the most minute things, trying to ease the tension in the room. But Izzy is about to crack and shatter like glass.

"Don't think about that now. We're all here, nobody's dead.," I sigh

"You weren't there, you didn't see what they made us watch, "Izzy whimpers getting a closer look at Slash. "I'm so sorry kid for not doing something sooner." Slash only balls up in the bed uttering not one word. His lack of response just makes Izzy feel worse, I can tell by the way his shoulders sump even more than they already are.

Tears are something izzy usually tries to bury. But he can't hide them from me. A little part of me feels jealous because he's so concerned with Slash."What about you darlin, did he hurt you?" I ask and turn him around, forcing him to look at me.

Izzy just breaks down unable to contain his tears. "Not physically, no. He hit me before he...but I'm ok," he says in a detached voice a million miles away

"Where im standing it looks like he did? I'm gonna fucking kill him!" I growl.

"No, just leave it alone, you'll just make shit worse. It's over now. I gave him what he wants, he promised to back off us." Izzy studies my face long and hard " you're pissed aren't you?" He chokes out in almost broken words of dread.

But Billy's voice comes to my head. " Izzy was just saving you. He loves you. Don't be mad at him, don't hurt him."

"I'm not pissed," I sigh. Izzy thinks I'm talking to him, but I'm not, I was talking to Billy.

"But I cheated again. I promise I wouldn't and I did," he wails. "Axl I didn't wanna do it, I had no choice! I couldn't keep letting Nikki rape us one by one. The only thing I could do was give him what he wanted!" I haven't heard such desperation in his voice in a very very long time.

"Comfort him Axl," Billy says in my head. "That's what he would do for you. You know it's what he wants more than anything."

But I don't know how to be Billy anymore. I'm too hardened by life. Comforting don't come easy these days. I do the best I can but so much fucking shit has gone down that comfort feels suffocating to me. And Izzy's not the same anymore. And Billy's all too happy to remind me that it's Axl's fault. Billy says Izzy needs love and wants it from Axl. He tells me Izzy strays because I hurt him so much, the mind games, the distance, always leaving him, calling him horrible things, Erin...

I've hurt him so much. I know I push him away with both hands. And lately sex between us is weird on my behalf. Izzy makes love, and I'm almost raping him. He says I'm hurting him every time. We've had our share of rough sex between us, but it was always consensual. Lately Izzy tells me to stop a lot, that I'm hurting him. Billy always begs me not to, but I find myself doing unspeakable things anyway. And I don't know why. I love Izzy. I don't mean to hurt him. I'm just all fucked up in the head since Nikki. He broke something that's not physical, and I don't know if it can be fixed.

"Lets get you cleaned up Izz,"I manage to say with some coaxing from Billy. "Your face is all crusted in dry blood. Stevie, help me get him in the shower."

"I don't wanna shower, I'm fine," Izzy protests.

"Too bad, you need to sober up and get the blood off," I say in an authoritative voice.

Steven and I start trying to help him down the hall. He sloughs us off him. " I said I don't need any help, I can do it on my own." With Stevens help,the faucet is running on cold in less than 3 minutes.

Steven leaves and Izzy reluctantly strips down. He gives a shocked gasp the second he feels how cold the water is, and tries to get out of the tub. "I'm not fucking overdosing Axl!"

"No. You stay there and I'll fill it with warm water. Are you hungry? I can have Steven call room service for some pancakes? " Izzy just looks at me as if I'm fucking retarded.

I soap the rag and start washing him tenderly, and he relaxed under my touch, the feathery touches I so seldom given him these days. His eyes just blankly stare at an invisible spot on the wall.

"It's that all right? " I ask softly examining his expression carefully

"Um, it's wonderful. ",He moans as his eyes slightly roll back.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on? Or rather what went on?" I ask cleaning his busted lip gently.

He sighed deeply, I knew he didn't want to go into details, but he knows I won't let up. He tries his best to hold it together, but given the circumstances, it's nearly impossible. His eyes start to shine with tears since it's just the two of us. I know it's bad because Izzy never cries, and his eyes are brimming with tears.

He started sobbing then."Nikki drugged us. Him and Tommy stuck fucking needles in our necks right at the hotel bar. Duff and I woke up tied to a chair and they..."

"Hush, it's OK baby. I get it. Don't talk about it now, it can wait until you're ready. " I wiped his tears with a towel. "I get it."

Still Izzy feels the shame to keep apologizing."Axl, I'm sorry! They were hurting him and I did the only thing I could to make Nikki stop! I didn't want to, I swear I didn't, but it was the only way!" He wails.

I pull him up out of the tub in my arms. He's shaking so bad and I know the fear he's feeling. I understand his Guilt. But there's nothing i can do except let him cry it out. In situations like this there just aren't any words that can make it better, more bearable, or bring any comfort. Nothing takes the shit away. Sometimes not even time.

"Hush now. I get it. I do", I said, covering with a big fluffy towel.

From the other room I could hear Duffs attempts to comfort Slash, that was crying and mumbling in his sleep. Somebody needed to be comforting Duff. He's just shattered. His words crack because he can't quit crying. I know all too well what the guys going through. I've been forced to watch Izzy get fucked right in front of me too. And I couldn't do anything but watch it's not natural to watch the person you love being violated,consent or not. It does a damage inside of you all on its own.

I understand what Izzy had to do to save Slash from that monster. Of course he would save him if he had it in his power. He loves him. I understand that the only thing stopping Izzy from going back to Slash is the fact that Slash and Duff are happy. Or were. I know I haven't been giving him many reasons to love me in a while. And Izzy's actually trying to reconnect us. But if Slash was free, I shutter to think of how fast he would leave me.

I close my eyes for a moment. Now was not the time to recall Nikki's hateful words, " he doesn't love you, he doesn't care for you." Izzy needs me now, more than he ever did, and fuck if I'm going to let him down, I'm going to care for him, and do my best to love him like he deserves to be loved. The way Billy keeps trying to drill into my head, because I can't lose him. I have to have him in my life. He means so much to me.

"Do you want to know something? " I ask, rocking him on my arms.

"What?" He mumbles.

"That was such a selfless thing you did. You're so brave Angel. See how strong you still are?"

"I'm not. I'm a fucking coward for not doing it sooner. I could have stopped this before it ever happened. I should have stopped it when Erin told us about Nikki's diary, but I didn't. I just let shit carry on and claim more and I'm ashamed for not doing anything. I'm ashamed that I did." His words are just mere whispers but so heavily laiden with pain.

I cup his chin and force him to look at me. "Don't be ashamed darlin, it's not your fault that Sixx is a lunatic."

"Like you're not ashamed of me right now?" He huffs, "I can see it all over your face." He hides his face on my chest. "I'm sorry." He sobs.

"It's OK. It's OK baby." I stroke him in my arms trying desperately to find a way to make it ok. I start to think of something to console him, but right now, words are useless. Tonight no words can cure Duff's heartbreak or Slash 's nightmares. Tonight, Izzy 's desperation is too profound for words, and my sadness too great. So I start to sing. I sing in that very deep voice Izzy liked so much.

"I keep a close watch in this heart of mine.
I keep my eyes wide open all the time..."

I took him in my arms to my room, laying him on the bed. His shivering starts up again. It's hard to know if it's fear, drugs, or a chill. I climb onto the bed with him. His hands instantly cling to me. His face buries into my side. He's curled into the smallest ball possible for someone 5'11". I wrap my arms around him as Billy reminds me of all the songs we sing to each other at times like this. I notice Billy watching in the mirror across the room. He urges me to continue singing.

Tonight there are no words. No words can take away our sadness, only music. In the end, music was what united us on the first place, and now, in our time of need, it was still there for us. Maybe music can get us through today.
Sign up to rate and review this story