FicWad

Nikki

I woke up for the first time since I can't even remember when smiling. I was actually smiling. Nothing funny had been thought of or uttered. No dreams of happiness had awakened me. I'm not free of withdrawal, I feel it in all the normal places. But yet, I wake up with this smile on my face. Only one thing is different today. Just one thing...Izzy. He gave himself to me last night. I didn't force him. I didn't just take what I wanted. For the first time in my life I actually gave someone what they wanted. What they needed. And you know what? It felt fucking good. Wow. Was I possessed by an Angel last night or something? This is so not me at all. But yet, I just can't wipe the silly little grin off my face. I've gotta puke, but I'm still smiling. I'm...happy.

I sit up reach for my cigarettes by the bed. I light one and refuse to let my gag reflex kick in. I exhale and look at the empty side of the bed next to me. I run my hand down the sheet slowly trying to feel the contours of Izzy's body in them. I know he's long gone, but if I try hard enough...I grab the pillow and pull it to my face, just hoping a slight smell of him still lingers on it. And I try so hard to find it. Just one tiny whiff.

I hug that pillow to me, still smiling, still ready to puke. I'm so in love. I laugh to myself as my eyes start to water...or maybe I'm crying. It's hard to tell for the smile on my face if it's tears of joy or tears of sadness. I'm going to choose joy. Fucking nothing was going to ruin this day. Today I'm happy and nothing can take it away from me.

I reach over and pick up the phone. I dial room service. "Yes, could you please send a box of chocolates to room 2311? No note will be necessary. Thank-you. Oh, and charge it to Doc McGee please. Thank-you," I smile and hang up. Suddenly I feel a little stupid because I sent a box of chocolates to Izzy who shares a room with Axl. I did promise Izzy i would be discreet. I quickly reach for the phone again and redial room service. "Hi, yeah, I just called about the chocolates, listen if they ask who it's from just say it's compliments of the hotel or some shit. I'll throw in an extra hundred bucks if you do that. Thank-you. You have a nice day too."

I hang up again and if it's possible through the nausea, I smile even more brightly. It feels like I'm waking up the first day of someone else's life. Like I traded souls with someone. I'm reborn. Nothing today seems like it did yesterday. The sun is brighter, the room is larger, the air clearer, and I feel something underneath the withdrawals, behind the happiness, deeper than the love. Hope. I have hope. Hope that just maybe there's something for me in this miserable world after all. It's like I've been swimming in this black ocean for so long that I forgot that all I had to do was put my feet down. Well, they're down now and I'll be damned if I go back to swimming in the darkness. I want to walk in the light. I want to be among all the people and take in a breath of life. I'm here for a reason. This is the first time I realized that. I matter. I'm not invisible. I'm not evil. I'm not angry. Fuck, I'm not even Nikki. Today I'm just a guy who's in love. Today that's enough.

I'll make him love me simply by loving him. I'll be whatever he needs, a friend, a brother, a lover, a confidant, anything. For once someone matters more to me than myself. God I wish i could have woke up next to him, planting tiny little kisses on his eyelids. Then I would spoon with him for an hour while tracing his velvety skin.

My little fantasy is interrupted by a banging on my door. It's a persistent pissed off banging. I assume it's a Gunner. But then a voice yells at me, "Open the fucking door Nikki!" It's Tommy. Great.

I open the door and Tommy bounds in like a 6'4" hyperactive kid on springs. But he's fucking pissed. He grabs my arms and shoves me into the wall and holds me there "You fucked Izzy? You fucked Axl?! You fucked Slash! Why the fuck do you lie to me and tell me you're straight?! Suddenly I find out this bullshit rapeathon you've involved me in is because you're fucking in love with Stradlin?!Why? Why not me?! I fucking love you and you know that?! Why not me?! Why wouldn't you fuck me too?!" He's shaking me with every word "What the fuck have you made me do?! I thought if I did all that shit that you'd finally get how much I love you! I've shown you that there's nothing I won't do for you!!"

"Tommy let me go," I calmly say. If he shakes me much more I'm gonna puke all over him.

"Fuck you," he growls and crashes his lips down on mine. I fight against him but he's super glued his lips to mine. He's got me wrapped so tightly in his arms that all I can do is wiggle. Finally he stops kissing me and just looks at me all hopeful like that actually made me fall in love with him.

"I just don't feel that way for you T-Bone."

His eyes narrowed as he glared at me. "Well maybe I should do what you do, you know, your whole approach to getting Izzy in your bed again. You've already turned me into a rapist. Maybe I should do to you what you made me do to Izzy. Maybe then you'll get it."

"You can't make me love you," I calmly say

"But you think you can make Izzy love you? Wake up man. Why the fuck would he?! He's never going to love you. I fucking love you. I'm what you need, not some junkie who's in love with everyone but you!"

"You don't know shit!" I shout in his face, "Were you there last night when he begged me to fuck him?! Izzy will love me! I know what he needs!"

"And I know what you need! I know how to be whatever you want! He's never going to feel about you the way you need! He loves Axl. He loves Slash! He. Does. Not. Love. You. And you'll never make him! The only reason he fucked you was to get us off Slash!! But you were banking on that weren't you you sick fuck?!"

"No! I didn't think he would do that! It just worked out nicely that way! And you have the nerve to call me a sick fuck?! You couldn't wait to rip Izzy open in that limo! You couldn't refuse seconds! And you seemed to be enjoying Slash last night! And you know what makes you the sickest of all!?! You did it because I told you to!! You're my fucking puppet! I've used you from the day I met you because you're stupid enough to let me!!"

And then he punches me. He draws his fist back for another strike but pauses. He shakes his head at me. "You're not worth fucking my hand up for." He shoves me back into the wall and storms from the room.

He would have to come in here and fuck up the best morning of my entire life. Nothing like a love scorned huh? But Tommy just wasn't what I wanted. I've always know I could fuck him if I ever wanted, but you just don't shit in your own back yard. We were band mates. Business and pleasure don't mix. Fuck, look what it had done to those Gunners. It was going to be their downfall. Mark my fucking words.