Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Slash
When I realized that it was Duff holding onto me and not Tommy or Nikki I relaxed a little and stopped fighting to get his hands off of me but my body still remained tense. “Hey, sweetness, it’s ok, you’re safe Baby Boy, relax, just relax,” Duff whispered and I wanted to, I tried, but I couldn’t. I was too scared. It was all too fresh in my mind, I could still hear their groans and rapid breathing, still taste their cum in my mouth. The first nightmare hadn’t been as bad as this one, after that one I was still pretty drowsy and I had curled up with my head on Duff’s chest and gone back to sleep. But this time I was too scared to be able to settle back down. Duff cupped my face in his hands and gently brushed the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. “Don’t cry my sweet baby,” Duff soothed.
I scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me tightly and I fucking clung to him. I felt like I had been through a tornado and the only way I had survived was by clinging to something unmovable, something tall and strong, and that tall, strong, thing was Duff. Or maybe like I’d survived a shipwreck and he was my lifeboat. I realized how very much I needed him if I was going to survive. I needed to feel how real and solid he was, I needed him to anchor me to life or I was going to let myself drift away on a beautiful heroin cloud. But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t overdose. The image of Duff forever seeing my ghost walking just ahead of him down the street, always just out of reach won’t let me be selfish enough to kill myself. He’d told me that it’s what would happen the night I OD’d in the alley when I told him I slept with Izzy and I knew it was true. It’s how he would torture himself because he would blame himself. I know he feels like what happened to me tonight was his fault because he left me alone for a little while and went to the hotel bar but it wasn’t Duff’s fault. Nikki’s the crazy mother fucker who decided to do all of this.
I’d feel the same way if anything happened to Duff, he’s my soulmate; his ghost would haunt me for the rest of my life. At least Nikki and Tommy hadn’t shown any interest in coming after him yet and hopefully they never would. Just the thought of those two is enough to freak me the fuck out. Duff somehow picks up on it, I don’t know if he feels my heart start to race or the cold sweat that starts to break out on my body or the slight trembling that kicks in when their names run through my head again but Duff’s arms tighten around me. “You’re shaking, don’t be scared baby. Are you hurting?” Yes, I’m hurting and I start to tell him that but the words won’t come out; my mouth literally will not form them. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I talk? My heart starts to hammer in my chest and I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m panicking, I can’t talk, I can’t tell Duff what’s wrong! I just look at him, my eyes filled with terror, my chest heaving with every breath I struggle to pull in. “Slash, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Are you just scared? What’s going on Baby Boy?” Duff asks. But I can’t answer him.
This of course freaks him out more so he yells for Izzy and Axl. Izzy comes flying into the room, Axl follows behind him wiping the sleep from his eyes. “What’s wrong?” Izzy asks, looking at me worriedly.
“I don’t know!” Duff exclaims, his fear and worry bubbling to the surface in his anguished voice. “He won’t talk or he can’t talk and his heart’s racing and look at how he’s breathing!”
“He’s having a panic attack Duff, you have them and that’s exactly what happens to you, sometimes you can’t talk right away either, did you forget?” Axl asks dryly, scowling at Izzy who’s looking at me the same way Duff is, like he’d like to scoop me up and carry me away from here to somewhere where they could keep me safe, wherever that is.
Izzy agrees that I’m just having a panic attack and he and Duff spend the next few minutes getting me to breathe normally and Duff cooks up another hit for me and carefully injects it into my arm. Axl watches with an irritated look on his face and I’m not sure it it’s directed at me or Izzy, I’m guessing Izzy since I haven’t done shit to him. Once the smack is in my arm he goes back into the other room. Duff goes to the bathroom and asks Izzy to sit with me for a second. Izzy sits down next to me and looks at me sadly. “I’m sorry kid,” he whispers. I just look at him and nod, it’s not his fault and I want to tell him that but again, the words won’t come so I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. He gently wraps his arms around me and hugs me, pulling me against his chest and squeezing tightly. “I’m so sorry Pretty Baby,” he whispers, “I’m so sorry.” He holds me tightly for a few seconds and then pulls away when he hears Duff start to open the bathroom door. His eyes tell me that there’s so much more he’d like to say and do but he can’t and I can tell that it’s killing him. He stands up and goes back to the other room and Axl and Duff sits down next to me and I move over into his arms and cling to his shirt.
He patiently pries my fingers off of his shirt and moves so that he’s propped up in a small mountain of pillows and I snuggle in under his arm, my head resting between his shoulder and his chest. He gently stroked my hair and I flinched because my eyes were closed and I didn’t see it coming. He stopped and moved his hand away. I opened my eyes just as he mumbled “I’m sorry,” and I saw the hurt look on his face. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to touch me, I just wasn’t expecting it. I know exactly what he’s feeling; it’s what I felt in the days after he was attacked. I didn’t know whether or not I should touch him, if he wanted me to or if he wanted me to keep my hands off of him. I reached over and pulled his hand back to my hair and looked up at him pleadingly. “Baby it’s ok if you don’t want me to touch you,” he said softly. I shook my head and he tentatively stroked my hair again and I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. “I love you Baby Boy,” he whispered. I wanted to tell him I loved him too but I couldn’t so I just snuggled closer to him and gripped him harder. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair until I fell asleep. Just before I drifted away I heard him plead “Please don’t shut me out, don’t drift away from me Baby Boy.” I didn’t want to drift away from him, I just couldn’t answer.
When I realized that it was Duff holding onto me and not Tommy or Nikki I relaxed a little and stopped fighting to get his hands off of me but my body still remained tense. “Hey, sweetness, it’s ok, you’re safe Baby Boy, relax, just relax,” Duff whispered and I wanted to, I tried, but I couldn’t. I was too scared. It was all too fresh in my mind, I could still hear their groans and rapid breathing, still taste their cum in my mouth. The first nightmare hadn’t been as bad as this one, after that one I was still pretty drowsy and I had curled up with my head on Duff’s chest and gone back to sleep. But this time I was too scared to be able to settle back down. Duff cupped my face in his hands and gently brushed the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. “Don’t cry my sweet baby,” Duff soothed.
I scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me tightly and I fucking clung to him. I felt like I had been through a tornado and the only way I had survived was by clinging to something unmovable, something tall and strong, and that tall, strong, thing was Duff. Or maybe like I’d survived a shipwreck and he was my lifeboat. I realized how very much I needed him if I was going to survive. I needed to feel how real and solid he was, I needed him to anchor me to life or I was going to let myself drift away on a beautiful heroin cloud. But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t overdose. The image of Duff forever seeing my ghost walking just ahead of him down the street, always just out of reach won’t let me be selfish enough to kill myself. He’d told me that it’s what would happen the night I OD’d in the alley when I told him I slept with Izzy and I knew it was true. It’s how he would torture himself because he would blame himself. I know he feels like what happened to me tonight was his fault because he left me alone for a little while and went to the hotel bar but it wasn’t Duff’s fault. Nikki’s the crazy mother fucker who decided to do all of this.
I’d feel the same way if anything happened to Duff, he’s my soulmate; his ghost would haunt me for the rest of my life. At least Nikki and Tommy hadn’t shown any interest in coming after him yet and hopefully they never would. Just the thought of those two is enough to freak me the fuck out. Duff somehow picks up on it, I don’t know if he feels my heart start to race or the cold sweat that starts to break out on my body or the slight trembling that kicks in when their names run through my head again but Duff’s arms tighten around me. “You’re shaking, don’t be scared baby. Are you hurting?” Yes, I’m hurting and I start to tell him that but the words won’t come out; my mouth literally will not form them. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I talk? My heart starts to hammer in my chest and I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m panicking, I can’t talk, I can’t tell Duff what’s wrong! I just look at him, my eyes filled with terror, my chest heaving with every breath I struggle to pull in. “Slash, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Are you just scared? What’s going on Baby Boy?” Duff asks. But I can’t answer him.
This of course freaks him out more so he yells for Izzy and Axl. Izzy comes flying into the room, Axl follows behind him wiping the sleep from his eyes. “What’s wrong?” Izzy asks, looking at me worriedly.
“I don’t know!” Duff exclaims, his fear and worry bubbling to the surface in his anguished voice. “He won’t talk or he can’t talk and his heart’s racing and look at how he’s breathing!”
“He’s having a panic attack Duff, you have them and that’s exactly what happens to you, sometimes you can’t talk right away either, did you forget?” Axl asks dryly, scowling at Izzy who’s looking at me the same way Duff is, like he’d like to scoop me up and carry me away from here to somewhere where they could keep me safe, wherever that is.
Izzy agrees that I’m just having a panic attack and he and Duff spend the next few minutes getting me to breathe normally and Duff cooks up another hit for me and carefully injects it into my arm. Axl watches with an irritated look on his face and I’m not sure it it’s directed at me or Izzy, I’m guessing Izzy since I haven’t done shit to him. Once the smack is in my arm he goes back into the other room. Duff goes to the bathroom and asks Izzy to sit with me for a second. Izzy sits down next to me and looks at me sadly. “I’m sorry kid,” he whispers. I just look at him and nod, it’s not his fault and I want to tell him that but again, the words won’t come so I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. He gently wraps his arms around me and hugs me, pulling me against his chest and squeezing tightly. “I’m so sorry Pretty Baby,” he whispers, “I’m so sorry.” He holds me tightly for a few seconds and then pulls away when he hears Duff start to open the bathroom door. His eyes tell me that there’s so much more he’d like to say and do but he can’t and I can tell that it’s killing him. He stands up and goes back to the other room and Axl and Duff sits down next to me and I move over into his arms and cling to his shirt.
He patiently pries my fingers off of his shirt and moves so that he’s propped up in a small mountain of pillows and I snuggle in under his arm, my head resting between his shoulder and his chest. He gently stroked my hair and I flinched because my eyes were closed and I didn’t see it coming. He stopped and moved his hand away. I opened my eyes just as he mumbled “I’m sorry,” and I saw the hurt look on his face. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to touch me, I just wasn’t expecting it. I know exactly what he’s feeling; it’s what I felt in the days after he was attacked. I didn’t know whether or not I should touch him, if he wanted me to or if he wanted me to keep my hands off of him. I reached over and pulled his hand back to my hair and looked up at him pleadingly. “Baby it’s ok if you don’t want me to touch you,” he said softly. I shook my head and he tentatively stroked my hair again and I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. “I love you Baby Boy,” he whispered. I wanted to tell him I loved him too but I couldn’t so I just snuggled closer to him and gripped him harder. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair until I fell asleep. Just before I drifted away I heard him plead “Please don’t shut me out, don’t drift away from me Baby Boy.” I didn’t want to drift away from him, I just couldn’t answer.
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