Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
After Duff and Slash go back into their room Axl and I are just left staring at each other in the hallway. It felt good to get to hold Slash for a minute, I loved the way he felt in my arms; warm and soft, and sweet. But watching him snuggle up to Duff after he backed away from me sucked. I so wish that I could have him but it’s my own damn fault that I don’t and he’s in love with Duff and Duff’s love and support is what he needs to get through the aftermath of being so viciously assaulted. Duff loved him more than anything in the world and he would go to the ends of the earth for anything the kid needed or wanted; Slash would be fine eventually if Duff kept caring for him. I remember how Axl used to let me care for him; he’d come home with this closed off look on his face and give me one word answers and I’d know he’d done something to get us a gig. He’d get in the shower immediately and I’d follow him into the bathroom and be waiting with a towel when he got out. He’d let me hold him and tell me what happened. He’d cling to me, wanting me to be close to him, for me to make the memory disappear. He’d let me care for him, I’d put him to bed or on the couch and cook something for him and when he was done eating he’d stay as close to me as he could, wanting my love, wanting affection, wanting me to give him those things.
I remember how after the guy with the bat I was in worse shape than him and he’d insisted I stay in bed for two days before I couldn’t take it anymore and got up anyway. But for those two days he’d fed me and washed me and helped me to the bathroom. He’d held me and watched movies with me. My head was on his chest and he’d stroke my hair while we laid there and watched whatever movie was on cable. We were just thrilled to have cable, back in Indiana all we’d had were antennas. Axl had loved me then and he’d let me love him back.
Our sex life back then, despite all of the shit we went through was great too. Sometimes it was like a whirlwind and we’d be all over the room, switching off who was topping, but it was great. Now it’s shit. For the past couple of weeks all he seems to want to do is hurt me and I mean actually hurt me. He’s slapped me, bitten me, held me down in uncomfortable positions and fucked me when he knew he was hurting me, I don’t get it, even when he’s been angry at me he’s never acted like that in bed! Shit, even fucking Nikki a couple days ago was better than that! Nikki had been surprisingly gentle and sweet, claiming he loved me, which was just beyond my comprehension, but he didn’t hurt me like Axl had been doing. If it had been anyone besides Nikki I would have liked it but because it was Nikki remembering it just made me feel sick and guilty. I felt terrible for getting off in the same bed where Slash had been raped just an hour before.
Slash was amazing in bed; his dick alone made him feel fucking amazing but he was just good at what he did. He never hurt me either and shit he could have with what he’s packing! But he was sweet and like me he wanted it hot but he wanted to be loved. How good it felt seemed to be a mutual thing too; he would cum so hard that I thought my dick would get squeezed to death from how hard his body contracted around it when I fucked him. His whole upper body would turn red he came so hard. I liked to tease him when that happened, tell him that his head was going to explode; he would tell me that if it did I’d better run so I didn’t cop a murder charge because it was my fault. I'd get off so hard sometimes that I couldn't see anything but white and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds; we also fucked like rabbits, I miss that. He was so easy to be with too; he was sweet and loved to make me smile. We hardly ever argued, he loved to be held and he liked to be the one holding me as well. Like I told Axl- being with him was as easy as breathing.
But I’d needed to save Axl; foolishly thinking that if I saved him he would love me again. But I didn’t save him and I have no idea if he loves me. Sometimes I think I was really stupid to give up what I had with the kid; but when I came in that last morning and saw him crying in Duff’s arms-something about the way he leaned into Duff told me that he still loved him, he may not have known it until just then but he did. He was lost in thought for a big part of the day too and I knew he was thinking about Duff. I was going to ignore it until Axl went missing and I realized that I had to go save him or I’d never forgive myself. But if I was going to go after Axl and rescue him then I had to give my Pretty Baby someone to hold onto, and I could tell when Duff was holding him that morning that he still loved him. I mean we all knew Duff loved him but when he was holding him you could see, like physically see how much he cherished Slash. There’s just something I can’t explain, I saw it again the night I came and slept in their room after Axl hit me last week, something in the way Duff holds the kid speaks volumes about how he feels. It’s like Slash is something precious, something breakable, and Duff cradles him in his arms like a treasure he wants to hold onto but not damage. You would just have to see it to understand. So, when I saw Duff holding Slash that morning the way he held him and was talking to him quietly, trying to calm him down, told me that he’d learned his lesson and he’d never do anything crazy like hit him again. Those two needed each other, no matter how much it broke my heart, no matter how much I loved the kid, he belonged with Duff. So I left him with Duff that night when I went after Axl and their love had grown but mine and Axl’s love? It had withered and I had no idea what to do other than be blunt and honest about what I needed to make it better. I wish he would tell me what he needed, I’d give it to him in a heartbeat, but maybe I should ask him again. I look over at him after Slash and Duff are gone and he’s watching me with a scowl on his face. I sigh. “Ax, I don’t want to fight with you, I’d love nothing more than go back to bed, put my arms around you, and fall asleep holding you. I don’t want you to be anyone else but you; I just want to feel cared for and I want to care for you. Is that so wrong?” I ask him.
He glares at me silently for a few seconds and then asks “Would you really rather be with me than the kid? Would you really rather have me fucking you than him? I’m not sweet and easy like him and I never will be and you know that; you sure it’s me you want?”
He’s trying to act like he doesn’t care what my answer is but I know him better than that; inside he’s praying that I say yes and I know this because he’s biting his lip and that means that he’s worried. It’s one of his tells and I know them all. “Fuck Axl, how many times do I have to tell you that I love you before you believe me? I left him and came after you because I love you! I’m still with you because I love you! I don’t like what’s been going on between us sexually lately but I still want you; I just don’t want you to hurt me! It’s supposed to be an act of love- not painful and sadistic! I just want to feel like you love me, I want to know I made the right choice and that you love me as much as I love you. Is that so wrong?”
“No it’s not wrong Izzy. I do love you, I love you a lot. I’m sorry if I hurt you when we’re having sex; I don’t want to really hurt you I just want to play rough lately. If you’re not into it fine, I’ll tone it down. I just hate the look you get on your face when you look at Slash- it’s all mooney and dreamy. I feel like you say you love me but really your heart is still with him. I know you weren’t just having a fling; I know you Izzy and you really cared for him. I think he really cared for you too but he never stopped loving Duff. Being apart for a little while was good for the two of them; it gave them a chance to realize how much they meant to each other. I don’t think it did anything for us; it’s happened too many times before. I don’t mean to keep pushing you away either. I don’t want you far away from me; I want you as close as possible, I just worry that I’m gonna wake up to your dead body one day and I take that; better to just push you away now. Besides, I’m just a crazy asshole; why would you want to be with me anyway?”
“Because you’re my crazy asshole that’s why! I love you! Stop being a jerk and please stop pushing me away! I know you’re not pushing me away because you’re worried I might die in my sleep; that’s a tired excuse. I don’t know what’s going on with you but something is; you’re hiding something. “Let’s just go back to bed, we’re not getting anywhere,” I sigh.
“Fine with me,” Axl conceeds. We walk back into our room and we both silently peer around the open door that joins our room to Duff and Slash’s to make sure everything is ok. We find them curled up together and Duff is reading quietly to Slash who’s fighting dozing off. We silently move away from the door and back towards the bed. But before I have a chance to actually get in the bed Axl pulls me close to him and kisses me. I gladly kiss back. We get Erin moved to one side of the bed and I move into the middle with Axl on the outside and he curls into me and lets me hold him. I have no idea what exactly changed his mind but I’ll take it. Tonight at least I’ll get to sleep with Fireball in my arms.
After Duff and Slash go back into their room Axl and I are just left staring at each other in the hallway. It felt good to get to hold Slash for a minute, I loved the way he felt in my arms; warm and soft, and sweet. But watching him snuggle up to Duff after he backed away from me sucked. I so wish that I could have him but it’s my own damn fault that I don’t and he’s in love with Duff and Duff’s love and support is what he needs to get through the aftermath of being so viciously assaulted. Duff loved him more than anything in the world and he would go to the ends of the earth for anything the kid needed or wanted; Slash would be fine eventually if Duff kept caring for him. I remember how Axl used to let me care for him; he’d come home with this closed off look on his face and give me one word answers and I’d know he’d done something to get us a gig. He’d get in the shower immediately and I’d follow him into the bathroom and be waiting with a towel when he got out. He’d let me hold him and tell me what happened. He’d cling to me, wanting me to be close to him, for me to make the memory disappear. He’d let me care for him, I’d put him to bed or on the couch and cook something for him and when he was done eating he’d stay as close to me as he could, wanting my love, wanting affection, wanting me to give him those things.
I remember how after the guy with the bat I was in worse shape than him and he’d insisted I stay in bed for two days before I couldn’t take it anymore and got up anyway. But for those two days he’d fed me and washed me and helped me to the bathroom. He’d held me and watched movies with me. My head was on his chest and he’d stroke my hair while we laid there and watched whatever movie was on cable. We were just thrilled to have cable, back in Indiana all we’d had were antennas. Axl had loved me then and he’d let me love him back.
Our sex life back then, despite all of the shit we went through was great too. Sometimes it was like a whirlwind and we’d be all over the room, switching off who was topping, but it was great. Now it’s shit. For the past couple of weeks all he seems to want to do is hurt me and I mean actually hurt me. He’s slapped me, bitten me, held me down in uncomfortable positions and fucked me when he knew he was hurting me, I don’t get it, even when he’s been angry at me he’s never acted like that in bed! Shit, even fucking Nikki a couple days ago was better than that! Nikki had been surprisingly gentle and sweet, claiming he loved me, which was just beyond my comprehension, but he didn’t hurt me like Axl had been doing. If it had been anyone besides Nikki I would have liked it but because it was Nikki remembering it just made me feel sick and guilty. I felt terrible for getting off in the same bed where Slash had been raped just an hour before.
Slash was amazing in bed; his dick alone made him feel fucking amazing but he was just good at what he did. He never hurt me either and shit he could have with what he’s packing! But he was sweet and like me he wanted it hot but he wanted to be loved. How good it felt seemed to be a mutual thing too; he would cum so hard that I thought my dick would get squeezed to death from how hard his body contracted around it when I fucked him. His whole upper body would turn red he came so hard. I liked to tease him when that happened, tell him that his head was going to explode; he would tell me that if it did I’d better run so I didn’t cop a murder charge because it was my fault. I'd get off so hard sometimes that I couldn't see anything but white and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds; we also fucked like rabbits, I miss that. He was so easy to be with too; he was sweet and loved to make me smile. We hardly ever argued, he loved to be held and he liked to be the one holding me as well. Like I told Axl- being with him was as easy as breathing.
But I’d needed to save Axl; foolishly thinking that if I saved him he would love me again. But I didn’t save him and I have no idea if he loves me. Sometimes I think I was really stupid to give up what I had with the kid; but when I came in that last morning and saw him crying in Duff’s arms-something about the way he leaned into Duff told me that he still loved him, he may not have known it until just then but he did. He was lost in thought for a big part of the day too and I knew he was thinking about Duff. I was going to ignore it until Axl went missing and I realized that I had to go save him or I’d never forgive myself. But if I was going to go after Axl and rescue him then I had to give my Pretty Baby someone to hold onto, and I could tell when Duff was holding him that morning that he still loved him. I mean we all knew Duff loved him but when he was holding him you could see, like physically see how much he cherished Slash. There’s just something I can’t explain, I saw it again the night I came and slept in their room after Axl hit me last week, something in the way Duff holds the kid speaks volumes about how he feels. It’s like Slash is something precious, something breakable, and Duff cradles him in his arms like a treasure he wants to hold onto but not damage. You would just have to see it to understand. So, when I saw Duff holding Slash that morning the way he held him and was talking to him quietly, trying to calm him down, told me that he’d learned his lesson and he’d never do anything crazy like hit him again. Those two needed each other, no matter how much it broke my heart, no matter how much I loved the kid, he belonged with Duff. So I left him with Duff that night when I went after Axl and their love had grown but mine and Axl’s love? It had withered and I had no idea what to do other than be blunt and honest about what I needed to make it better. I wish he would tell me what he needed, I’d give it to him in a heartbeat, but maybe I should ask him again. I look over at him after Slash and Duff are gone and he’s watching me with a scowl on his face. I sigh. “Ax, I don’t want to fight with you, I’d love nothing more than go back to bed, put my arms around you, and fall asleep holding you. I don’t want you to be anyone else but you; I just want to feel cared for and I want to care for you. Is that so wrong?” I ask him.
He glares at me silently for a few seconds and then asks “Would you really rather be with me than the kid? Would you really rather have me fucking you than him? I’m not sweet and easy like him and I never will be and you know that; you sure it’s me you want?”
He’s trying to act like he doesn’t care what my answer is but I know him better than that; inside he’s praying that I say yes and I know this because he’s biting his lip and that means that he’s worried. It’s one of his tells and I know them all. “Fuck Axl, how many times do I have to tell you that I love you before you believe me? I left him and came after you because I love you! I’m still with you because I love you! I don’t like what’s been going on between us sexually lately but I still want you; I just don’t want you to hurt me! It’s supposed to be an act of love- not painful and sadistic! I just want to feel like you love me, I want to know I made the right choice and that you love me as much as I love you. Is that so wrong?”
“No it’s not wrong Izzy. I do love you, I love you a lot. I’m sorry if I hurt you when we’re having sex; I don’t want to really hurt you I just want to play rough lately. If you’re not into it fine, I’ll tone it down. I just hate the look you get on your face when you look at Slash- it’s all mooney and dreamy. I feel like you say you love me but really your heart is still with him. I know you weren’t just having a fling; I know you Izzy and you really cared for him. I think he really cared for you too but he never stopped loving Duff. Being apart for a little while was good for the two of them; it gave them a chance to realize how much they meant to each other. I don’t think it did anything for us; it’s happened too many times before. I don’t mean to keep pushing you away either. I don’t want you far away from me; I want you as close as possible, I just worry that I’m gonna wake up to your dead body one day and I take that; better to just push you away now. Besides, I’m just a crazy asshole; why would you want to be with me anyway?”
“Because you’re my crazy asshole that’s why! I love you! Stop being a jerk and please stop pushing me away! I know you’re not pushing me away because you’re worried I might die in my sleep; that’s a tired excuse. I don’t know what’s going on with you but something is; you’re hiding something. “Let’s just go back to bed, we’re not getting anywhere,” I sigh.
“Fine with me,” Axl conceeds. We walk back into our room and we both silently peer around the open door that joins our room to Duff and Slash’s to make sure everything is ok. We find them curled up together and Duff is reading quietly to Slash who’s fighting dozing off. We silently move away from the door and back towards the bed. But before I have a chance to actually get in the bed Axl pulls me close to him and kisses me. I gladly kiss back. We get Erin moved to one side of the bed and I move into the middle with Axl on the outside and he curls into me and lets me hold him. I have no idea what exactly changed his mind but I’ll take it. Tonight at least I’ll get to sleep with Fireball in my arms.
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