FicWad

Slash
“Hey, Baby Boy, it’s time to get up,” Duff is saying as I try and pull the pillow back over my head. He’s not having that though and he takes it away from me and I groan and cover my head with one arm and snuggle back down into the remaining pillow. “Come on now, no more sleeping, I told you last night that you weren’t going to be able to get up this morning if I read you another chapter of that book,” Duff says, shaking me slightly. I groan and push his hands off. I don’t want to get up yet, it had been a long night complete with nightmares and a panic attack and right now I was sleeping off two valium in addition to the smack that put me to sleep every night. I curl up into a ball and get comfortable again and Duff resorts to unfair tactics and tickles my side making me jump and squirm into wakefulness. “Come on Baby, get up, we have to be on the bus in an hour and a half and you still need a shower and we both need to eat. I glare at him from under my hair but it apparently isn’t intimidating because he just laughs and reaches out for my hands so he can pull me up. I grudgingly take his proffered hands and let him lead me into the bathroom where I brush my teeth while he gets the shower going and set on a comfortable temperature.

Duff climbs in and I follow behind him. He lets me move in front of him and stand in the warm spray and I sigh in pleasure as the steaming water runs over my skin. I turn around and get my hair wet and Duff asks “Want me to wash your hair?” I look at him and smile a little and nod; I love having my hair washed, it feels so good for another person to massage my scalp while scrubbing my hair. I turn around and Duff lathers up my hair with shampoo, his strong fingers rubbing my head as he cleans my hair. I groan in pleasure and he laughs. “You are so spoiled it’s ridiculous,” he teases. I rinse the soap out and condition my hair so that I can comb through the curls when I get out and then Duff pulls me close to him. I nestle my head on his shoulder and he hugs me and whispers “I love you Baby Boy.” He rubs my back softly, his hand gliding up and down over my wet skin. “Are you going to talk to me today?” he asks. “I’d love to hear your sweet voice.”
I really want to tell him that I love him back, I’d love to see him smile if I can manage to say it. I don’t really understand why I can’t talk, I just know that it feels like there’s something gripping my vocal cords tightly and it’s hard for me to get any sound to come out of my mouth, although it’s not just sound; I have a hard time getting my mouth to move right too. It’s frustrating and I thought maybe it was over until Tommy asked me how my ass was before we went onstage last night and my voice went away as the fear and embarrassment surged through me and it hasn’t really come back, I’ve just been able to talk in fitful spurts since then. But I want to talk to Duff. I look up at him and he looks back down into my eyes, waiting patiently as I concentrate on getting my mouth to form words. “Come on sweetness, you can do it,” he says, quietly encouraging me.
Finally I’m able to get out “Duffy, I love you so much.” He grins and I can’t help but smile back, I love seeing him happy. He holds me close with one arm and cups my face with his other hand and leans down and gives me a soft kiss. I kiss back lovingly and when he goes to pull back I reach up and pull him back down to me and keep kissing him. He hums happily and smiles into the kiss. I’m happy, content for a minute, until I feel Duff stiffen up next to my thigh. It’s his natural, normal, reaction to us kissing, shit, my own dick is starting to come to life, but I’m not ready to deal with that. I pull away, breaking the kiss and stepping back.
“Shit, I’m sorry baby,” Duff says. I shake my head and put my finger to his lips; I don’t want him to be sorry for wanting me, for being turned on by kissing me, I want him to feel those things forever, I’m just not ready for it at this second. I pull his hand over to his crotch and wrap it around his hardness, kiss him on the cheek, and step out of the shower. He laughs quietly and I look back and see him stroking himself a little. I dry off and leave Duff to finish his business in peace and go in the bedroom and get dressed, laughing when I hear him groan loudly through the wall, that didn’t take long!


When Duff comes out he tries to coax me into ordering breakfast but I don’t want any. “Baby you need to eat, you’ve hardly eaten anything for the past three days!” he says with worry in his voice when I shake my head at his offer of breakfast. I’m just not hungry. He eats and worries over me some more and tries to coax some pancakes and eggs into me and in lieu of that some milk and toast with butter and jelly which I eat a piece of to make him happy. Finally Duff is satisfied because some food passed my lips and we finish packing up and then it’s time to get on the bus. Everyone is in a great mood, even Izzy and Axl who bring Erin onto the bus and head into the back lounge shortly after getting on. They come back about 30 minutes later minus Erin with satisfied looks on their faces and in jovial mood for once. Of course Duff and Steven immediately start teasing them because we all know they were shooting up and fucking back there and it looks to have been successful even though one thing is not usually conducive to the other but I for one knew that Izzy’s dick worked just fine on smack, don’t know about Axl’s.


Duff gave me a pretty big hit when we got on the bus so I’m happy and relaxed and leaning against Duff’s chest. His arms are around me, holding me, and he’s stroking the back of my hands with his thumbs. When he leans down and whispers “I love you Baby Boy,” in my ear and squeezes me I feel something inside my chest and throat let go, it feels like something constricting has been released and without difficulty I’m able to respond with “I love you too Duffy.”


“Hey, you’re talking!” Duff says excitedly.


“Yeah, for now, no promises on how long it lasts. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just can’t, my mouth won’t move, I’m sorry for worrying you,” I told him.


“Baby, you don’t have to be sory for the way you react to what happened to you, you have nothing to be sorry for. I love you and I’m here for you, for whatever you need ok? Don’t hide how you feel from me, don’t be afraid to ask if you need something, I’ll always take care of you and I know that you’ll take care of me if I need you to; it’s what you do when you love somebody and I love you more than anything,” Duff reassures me. I hug him tightly to me and nuzzle into his neck. He holds me close to him and we stay that way for a minute, both of us just enjoying the closeness.


“Well thank you for taking care of me for the past few days; I know it’s been hard for you too. I don’t know what I would do without you,” I tell him quietly.


“I don’t know what I would do without you either sweetheart; I’ve been there and it sucks. It’s been hard seeing how much you’re hurting but don’t worry about me, worry about you and feeling better; let me take care of you and everything else ok? I love you and when you’re down like this it’s my job to care for you and even if it wasn’t I want to take care of you. I’m so glad that you’re letting me in; if you pulled away from me every time I tried to touch you on top of not talking I’d be a wreck and both of us being a total wreck would be bad,” Duff sighs.


“I don’t mind you touching me; I need for you to touch me and hold me, it’s part of how I know you care. If you had been weird about it or backed away from me emotionally I would feel so much worse. I worried about that while it was happening; about you not wanting me because I wasn’t going to be so innocent when you got me back, or that you wouldn’t want me after you saw me begging and crying, or that you would be disgusted by what you saw them do to me and not want me anymore. I was scared I’d have to deal with the pain of losing you on top of what they were doing to me; I wouldn’t have been able to handle it,” I say, my voice cracking with tears. Fuck I feel like a crybaby!
“Hey, shh, don’t cry Baby Boy, I’m right here. I would never leave you for something like that. I was scared of the same thing though when it happened to me; pretty sure it’s just a normal reaction. I’ll always want you and I’ll always love you, I hope you know that,” Duff said.


“I do know; you’ve taken really good care of me since...since it happened. You always take good care of me and you’re always sweet to me and you make me happy. I hope you know that I love you too,” I breathed, looking into his beautiful hazel eyes.


He smiled and nuzzled my face with his. “I know, and you make me happy too,” he replied. I squirmed around a little so that I was facing him a little more and kissed him softly. He smiled and slid his arms around my waist. One hand slid up the back of my shirt and started drawing little patterns on my back. I grinned when I felt him trace an I, a heart, and a u on my skin.


“I love you too Duffy,” I whispered. We kissed for a few more minutes, only stopping when we heard music coming from the back lounge. Izzy, Steven, and Erin were all passed out asleep in the bunks so that only left Axl. I didn’t recognize the song, it was all piano and I assumed Axl wrote it. Duff and I looked at each other and got up and walked to the back of the bus.


We walked into the back lounge and found Axl listening to the song on the boombox we kept on the bus. His back was to us so he didn’t realize right away that we were there. He was sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, his forehead resting on his knees and his arms wrapped around his legs. Axl’s voice suddenly came flowing out of the boombox: “When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. And when I’m holding you, don’t you know I feel the same, ooh yeah. We’ve been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain, but lovers always come and lovers always go and no one’s really sure who’s letting go today, walking away,”. My attention was pulled back to Axl sitting on the floor when he let out a quiet sob. “Axl, you ok man?” Duff asked.


Poor Axl jumped about a mile when he heard Duff’s voice. He whirled around, running his hand down his face wiping away tears that he didn’t want us to see and said “What the fuck man? Are you sneaking up on me or what?”


“We heard the music,” I say quietly. “It’s a beautiful song.”


“You decide to talk today?” Axl snapped. I ducked back behind my hair so he couldn’t see my face and wouldn’t know he hurt my feelings.


Duff knew though and he bristled beside me. “Hey! Don’t talk to him like that! He didn’t do anything to you, he just told you he liked your song!” Duff growls.


I expected Axl to get angry and braced myself for the beginning of a tantrum; instead Axl visibly deflated. He looked over at me and said “Sorry kid, I’m just, I don’t know, whatever, you didn’t do anything. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”


I just shrugged. In my head I was hearing an unwritten guitar riff to go with the piano in Axl’s haunting, beautiful, song. I walked the three steps across the room an picked up my accoustic guitar, sat on the couch, and started playing. I was vaguely aware of Duff, grinning at me and Axl looking at me in disbelief; I’m not sure why though, this is how we wrote most of the songs on our album. We would hear something someone else was working on and add to it and before we knew it we had a song. I pause at the bridge where there’s a major breakdown and the tempo of the song changes, becomes darker, almost sinister, and I look up at Axl. “Can you do that again?” he asks and I nod at him. He rewinds the tape and I play what had been in my head, committing it to memory so that I could play it again on demand. I listened to the words this time too and the pain in Axl’s voice when he sang it and my heart ached. I knew how much Izzy was hurting but I hadn’t known that Axl was hurting just as badly. But if he felt the way he did when he wrote this song then why did he keep treating Izzy like crap? Couldn’t he see that the way he was treating Izzy was hurting him and pushing him away? I stopped at the breakdown again because I needed my electric guitar for what I was hearing in my head; my accoustic couldn’t make the noises I needed for this part of the song.


Duff came over and sat down beside me. “That sounded really good Baby Boy; I love watching how you just hear something and then add to it; like you’re hearing something nobody else is,” he said.


“I am hearing something nobody else is, I just hear what my part would be and I play it, that’s all,” I tell him.


“Well, it’s amazing; you’re amazing,” Duff replies and leans over and kisses me softly.


“Hey, this is a no makeout zone,” Axl scolded.


“Man, you and Izzy and Erin fucked back here an hour ago! Now you want to make it a no makeout zone?” Duff asked, incredulous. He held his arms out to me and I put down my guitar and moved into them, snuggling up against him.


“I changed the rules,” Axl said. If you two start kissing it won’t end for a while and even when it does it’l just be flood of musy shit coming out of the two of you. I can only handle so much of you two being all lovey dovey and I’m pretty sure I’ve already had my daily dose.”


Duff raises his eyebrows and says “This from the man who wrote that song? It’s beautiful and kind of haunting and sad but it’s a love song, no two ways about it. If you feel all of that and can express it so eloquently why do you have such a hard time showing Izzy how you feel? You obviously love him, or you did when you wrote this song but since you’re back here listening to it I’m guessing you’re feeling the way you felt when you wrote it. Why don’t you play it for Izzy or at least tell him you love him and start acting like it? Fuck, it would reduce a lot of the tension in the band man.”


“It’s complicated Duff; Izzy and I aren’t anything like the two of you. You two are all happiness and light; too much shit has happened to Izzy and me to ever be happy like that again. Izzy’s not even half here most of the time anyway, he’s always fucked up on smack and on top of that all his heart yearns for isn’t me; what he wants is your boyfriend! Doesn’t that bother you Duff? Doesn’t it bother you that Izzy wants to be with your sweet little Baby Boy?” Duff glares at Axl but before he can say anything Axl turns and looks at me. “What did you give him that I can’t kid? I’d think it was your fucking huge dick but it’s not sex he’s longing for, it’s more than that. What did you do?”


I press myself closer to Duff and his grip on me tightens. “I didn’t do anything. I just, I don’t know, I just cared about him. Axl, I don’t know what things are like when you’re alone but when Izzy and I were alone he was really sweet and affectionate. He wanted to be held or he wanted to hold me all the time. He was way more freaked out about touring with Nikki and Tommy than he let on. He had panic attacks sometimes in the morning or before we left for shows and I’d have to hold him and calm him down. He liked it if I would sit behind him and hold him at night while we watched TV or he would hold me like that. Sometimes when he talked to his family on the phone he’d be so disappointed or sad when he hung up and I’d pull him over and hold him that way and tell him that I loved him and that he was special and worth something. He’d get really clingy for hours after he’d talked to them. I’d hold him when he had nightmares and keep holding him until he fell asleep again. I didn’t do anything unusual or great Axl; I just took care of him and showed him that I loved him. Nothing you can’t do. It was you he went back to, you he wanted to be with, he wants YOU to take care of him, he wants YOU to love him. He wants to feel like he’s loved and needed and worth something as a person. Give him that and stop riding him about the smack! Just because he’s high doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Shit, you’re high right now and you still feel love for him. If you would care for him more and yell at him less it would balance out on it’s own; if you’d love him more he would naturally use less because he wouldn’t be trying to numb the pain in his heart all the damn time!” I tell him. “Do you hear Duff riding me about it? No, because he accepts that it’s part of being with me. He weaned me down to two shots a day which took a lot of love and patience but we did it. I did it because it was important to him and I wanted to make him happy. I’m happy because Duff loves me and takes care of me when I need it; he’s always there so I don’t need to use as much. If you would be there like that for Izzy he probably wouldn’t use as much either; he didn’t use much when I was with him and he more or less stopped drinking then too.”


“I think what he’s saying Axl is that you need to love and take care of your fiancee,” Duff says from behind me. His voice has an edge to it and I can tell that he’s about to get angry; he doesn’t want to hear about things between me and Izzy. I stroke the backs of his hands with my thumbs to calm him down and I feel him relax a little. I bring one hand to my lips and I gently kiss the palm.


I see an angry glint in Axl’s eyes and he asks “If Izzy came to you and told you he wanted you back would you go be with him or would you stay with Duff?” He was just being mean now.


“I love Duff and you know it. He means everything to me and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I definitely wouldn’t leave him for somebody else. I want to be with him forever so no, I wouldn’t go back to Izzy if he asked and Izzy knows that,” I tell Axl.


“Yeah, I don’t think he does; he’s dying to fucking do something to make you feel better right now. What I really want to know is how the fuck you two stay so fucking happy; I mean shit, you just got fucked by Tommy and Nikki but it doesn’t seem to have changed a damn thing between the two of you; if anything you’re even closer than you were before. How the hell do you manage to stay happy after something like that?”


I clutch at Duff’s shirt with both hands and Duff squeezes me tightly. He takes a deep breath and I can tell he’s trying not to get angry. “Well, for starters, I didn’t call up Nikki’s girlfriend the day after. Secondly, I have no intention of ever bringing her into our bed, especially not the first time we sleep together again. Finally I’ve just tried my hardest to be there for him! I love him so anything he needs I’m there to make sure he gets it. If he needs held I hold him. If he needs space I give him space. If he wakes up screaming I’m there to let him know that he’s safe. If he’s sad I try to make him smile. If he’s angry I let him vent. If he’s scared I let him know I’m there to keep scary shit away. I talk to him about whatever he needs to talk about. I try and let him know that I love him constantly. He’s my best friend in addition to being my lover. Also- not to state the obvious but touch is really important; it’s intimate and being able to touch someone all the time is an intimate privilege and it keeps two people close and lets them know they’re cared for and I love touching him and I hope he likes touching me. It doesn’t matter if it’s just holding hands or kissing or making love, touch is a powerful connector and I make sure I let him know that I love him by touching him any chance I get. When was the last time you just put your arms around Izzy outside of having sex? When was the last time you held hands? When was the last time you kissed him without it leading to sex?” Duff asked.


Axl just looked at us, his mouth opening and closing, speechless for once. “I, I don’t know, Do you really sit around and think about all of that shit you just said?”


“No,” Duff laughed, but since you asked I took a minute to think about it! But I do think about how much I love him, how much I appreciate him, how I’m glad he’s my best friend and my lover all in one, and how I want him to feel safe, and happy, and loved. Nothing wrong with that.”


Axl huffed and rolled his eyes and then turned them on me. “What about you kid? How do you keep him happy? What’s your secret?”


I just looked at Axl for a minute wondering how much I should tell him. Whatever I said it would probably make him mad. I felt Duff’s grip on my tighten and I knew he was worried; worried that I was nervous and would make Axl mad and that Axl would say something that would hurt me. He was letting me know that he was there to back me up or protect me or give me a place to land if I needed one. All of that was conveyed just from him squeezing me. Axl and Izzy used to have wordless conversations constantly; I wondered how often they happened now? Fuck it, I don’t care what Axl thought. “Well, for starters I don’t make him share me with anyone else; there’s no third person in this relationship, Mandy or no Mandy. She’s not in our bed and she’s not on our bus. Also, I trust him. I know he loves me and I trust him not to do anything to hurt me but it’s more than that. I know if something bad happens to me he’ll be there for me. If I need help with something he’s right there. He’s not pushy and I try not to be either. His feelings matter to me and I try not to hurt them. I love it when he smiles at me, I love it when he holds me and I love to make him happy. So, to make him happy and keep him smiling at me I don’t act like a jerk to him! I listen to him when he needs to talk. I make sure that I kiss him good morning and good night, just little things to let him know that I care. You know, just buying him a pack of cigarettes when I’m buying my own will get me a kiss and he’ll know that I was thinking about him. If you really want to know what Izzy needs I’ll tell you but you’ll probably get pissed.


“You think you know Izzy do you?” Axl growls.


“I know him well enough; he talked about you sometimes,” I reply.


“He did? What the fuck did he say?” Axl demanded.


“It doesn’t matter what he said. Izzy just wants to be loved. He wants to be cared for. He wants to be touched and kissed and held. He wants to hold hands sometimes and to cuddle and to get a hug for no reason. But it’s more than that. He wants somebody he can count on to be there when he’s down. He wants somebody to be there to pick him up when he falls or more importantly hold him up when he’s drowning. He tries to do that for all of us, he’s always trying to be our hero or our savior or something; he just wants someone to be there for him. He needs a soft place to land sometimes too Axl; he holds in a lot of pain. There were nights he would get off the phone with his mom and cry. There were nights he’d talk about you and cry. All I could do was listen and hold him and tell him I cared about him; I couldn’t fix any of that pain, but you can. Lately you’ve been a real jerk to him; stop doing that. Act like you love him if you really do. Axl, you have something wonderful, you have someone who loves you, someone that tries their best to take care of you; stop pushing him away and let him care for you. That’s all you’ve gotta do,” I told him.
Axl just looks at me; staring right at me as if he could read my mind if he stared long enough. “I don’t always like being touched. It’s only been a few weeks since Nikki...I don’t always want anybody’s hands on me. Not everybody is like the two of you, sorry but I can’t just get raped and go back to cuddling in bed at night! I can’t just lay in Izzy’s arms and have him read me a book and feel better. I can’t go mute for a few days because I’m upset and have my boyfriend talk for me! I have to fucking sing! I have to front this fucking band! I have to act like nothing’s wrong and go on stage and give the world a show; I can’t hide from behind my fucking guitar and my hair! When I go to bed at night Izzy’s smacked out and asleep and I’m awake for hours; he’s not up to read me books. I can’t cuddle up under his arm when I want to feel safe; I can’t feel safe because his eyes are always roving, usually to wherever you are but more recently to Nikki! Izzy didn’t offer himself up to Nikki to save me; he was too busy fucking you in the arena bathroom while that was happening. Now Nikki’s sending him fucking chocolates and a goddamn guitar! I’m not sweet and cute and cuddly with a quiet voice and a huge dick! I’m not saying that he shouldn’t have saved you from Nikki; it sounds like what they did to you was really horrible.” I winced and shrank back against Duff who held me tighter and placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head. “I can’t be you, I can’t be like you, half the time I don’t even know how to be me anymore.”


“Axl, you don’t have to be me; he loves you, just be you and be nice to him Axl; treat him good, that’s all he wants Axl. He just wants you to love him,” I told him.


Axl just nodded and got up. “I’m gonna go lay with him; thanks for talking to me,” he says and gets up. “You two can go back to being disgustingly sweet now!”


“It’s what we do best!” Duff teased. When Axl’s gone Duff turns to me; “Do you think he’ll listen to anything we said?”


“Maybe, I don’t know. I’m just glad that I have you and that we’re happy together. I love you very much and I don’t want that to ever change,” I tell him looking into his beautiful eyes.
“I love you too my sweet Baby Boy and I can’t imagine a time when that wouldn’t be true. You’re my everything,” he almost whispers.


“You’re my everything too,” I tell him. He smiles and cups my face with both hands and kisses me. His kisses are gentle but full of passion and love. I feel bad for Axl and Izzy but even that can’t bring me down today. I’m high, I’m on my way home and away from the Crue, and the love of my life is kissing me; nothing is going to ruin this day for me.